31.12.05
juz came back from the watch night service, n it wuz a new experience for me. I have to confess, it wuz boring for me at one point, becoz all we did wuz prayers, n i didnt know wad we were prayin for.
Coz before that, i had no idea wad's a watch night service. I thought it wuz lyk normal service with sermons etc. Plus today's the last day of yr 2005, so i thought there might be some countdown element of fun in the "service".
oh well.
learnt something new today.
During the service, i felt depressed at one moment, coz i realised that my life after baptism hasnt changed much. In fact, i sometime forget im already baptised, so im lyk officially a Child of God.
And there i wuz, lettin my mind wander while everyone prayed. I really did try to pray with them, but becoz i didnt know the probs of the church specifically, i couldn't pray with sincerity n in details.
I mean, we prayed once for the old folks, but i dunno them personally, so im not sure of the probs they face, so i cant pray really well for them.
I swear im not being unfaithful to the church or anything. It's juz that it's hard for me to focus in my prayer on sth that is not closely related to me.
As in, even if i pray, lyk say the words "Dear Father in Heaven, pls help XXX to have faith etc etc..." im not sure if im being sincere or juz merely sayin the wordz.
You understand what im saying?
Lyk i look at those who r prayin, n wonder if they're really prayin. What goes through their minds? I mean, how can you keep your mind on a situation that doesnt concern you personally? Do they seriously worry abt all the situations on the screen, or do they juz say the words while prayin?
Oh man.
I don't think anyone gets what im tryin to say.
Point is, i don't think im a real Christian yet =( n there're still a lot of things i dunno. It's seriously sad and im gonna do sth abt it. But pastor louise once told me that not knowing everything doesnt determine my maturity as a Christian, it's the desire to know that matters.
Well, i feel lyk i wanna know everything abt God, n being Christian, so i'll really pray tonight that He will answers all my doubts n queries in due time.
Tomorrow is the election, n lyk i told sixuan, im really quite nervous. Coz im someone who likes to have some responsibility n get involved, so i'll honestly like a place in the committee. But then again, lyk i said, i dunno a lot of things, so maybe the yfers wun trust me that much.
There is another stupid n cowardly reason why i wanna be in the committee. It's becoz i still dun feel truly accepted into yf. As in, i know i have minnie n sixuan (who r genuinely sweet), but besides them, i dunno if the rest consider me as one of them now.
But if i get a place in the committee, it'll give me assurance that im at least truly involved in yf now, n im NOT juz a nobody in the church.
Sighz.
But sixuan made a good point.
If there r better candidates than me to be in the committee, so be it. There r other ways i can serve God :)
Thanks, sixuan. That really made me feel better ^ ^
Alright then, enough with this.
Moving on...
I was talkin to mum juz now, coz i suddenly realised that i've got the best parents in the world. No, really.
Perhaps it's coz i made some observation abt my frens' parents n decided im really lucky.
First of all, my parents trust me heaps. They allow me to go out, as long as i explain where im goin, they give me enough money to eat n have fun, n they dun keep calling or bugging me when im outside.
They REALLY trust me.
Of coz, i return their trust by calling them whenever i'll be out late, juz to reassure them im alright n not doin anything bad. I think they appreciate this n im juz really glad this trust thing can work both wayz.
Secondly, they care abt my future n wad kindda of person i'll become when i grow up. I never realised till now, that every time they nag or give me a lecture, it's becoz they wanna teach me sth abt life n if i juz listen carefully n learn, i'll become a much better person.
They teach me abt being organised (to increase workin efficiency), personal hygiene (in case i have room mates in future), cookin (so i can survive overseas in future), watchin my tongue (so i dun embarrass anyone in public) etc etc...
I get irritated sometimes (my dad's genes, i suppose), but whenever i chill down n think abt it, im thankful that they're already shapin up my character at this stage.
They're seriously responsible parents.
And my mum told me juz now that raising kidz with love isn't abt tying them to urself. It's abt lettin them walk by themselves, then grabbing hold of them when they're going to fall. Or when they do fall, help them pick themselves up.
If parents hold on to their kidz like kites without the string, the kidz will never learn.
This isnt called love.
It's erm something else.
She said a professor once mentioned at a talk abt parenting that parents should learn to be friends with their children.
I feel really proud that i can talk to my parents abt ANYTHING.
Im even startin to talk abt bgr with my dad now.
No, i dont mean he allows me to have a bf, but we're discussing things like, wad is true love? why izzit that youngsters nowadayz break up so easily? how izzit that my daddy n mummy can remain so loving for so many years? wad kind of guy should i look out for in future?
Etc etc.
It's quite cool actually.
Sometimes listening to a grown up's point of view can be very interesting.
Of coz, there will be a generation gap. There alwayz will be. If there isnt, they wont be called our parents, coz they're older than us. But that doesnt mean the gap alwayz have to get between us.
Communication, i believe, can alwayz bridge things up.
So, anyway, it's NEW YEAR now.
And we're all hugging n jumpin around =)
Have a joyous n fun filled year 2006, everyone!!
tranquility ; 12/31/2005 11:59:00 pm.
when i saw you standing there outside the church doors, a dazzling smile of bliss on your face, i finally understood what is happiness...
I attended my piano tchr's wedding today ^_^ it wuz so awesome. my first ever traditional church wedding!!
the flower girl was adorable n the next girl, who had the rings on a white heart shaped cushion, was even cuter *screams* KAWAII DES KA!! They walked VERY slowly down the aisle, then everyone wuz lyk SNAP SNAP SNAPping away.
Us three sisters were thrilled too. Especially when the music started playin and Miss Chia walked down the aisle, linkin arms with her dad. Ooh. Her smile was so real and you could so tell she's elated to be marrying at last, after SEVEN long years of bgr.
Oh gosh.
But that's becoz she wanted to wait till her catholic bf has truly converted into a christian before narrying. Aww man. Such a faithful christian.
Anyway, though im not lyk seriously close to my piano tchr, i was still very happy for her. I mean, it's juz so touching, especially when i saw her beamin at her guests as she walked down the aisle.
Then Jamie asked, "Haha, do you feel like getting married ?"
I said yes.
SERIOUSLY.
No wonder Love Conciege makes weddings out to be such serious business.
It's really no easy feat.
And it's a truly precious moment for the couple.
I admit, the real thing is not as drama n lovely as on tv (i.e dramatic music n last minute objections or burst in), but it's still very sweet.
But the pastor said sth true.
A wedding lasts for only 45 mins, but a marriage lasts FOREVER.
"...till death do us part."
That's the last sentence of the vow.
Gosh gosh gosh!!
How do i describe the atmosphere?!
Those of you who have attended such weddings before, you'll understand. It really makes a girl feel like being UP THERE with the guy of her dreams. Or at least for me, i feel that way.
:)
Haha but that'll have to wait.
I've still got next yr to chiong.
Then A level.
Oh well.
No one said i cant fantasise now!
So anyway, after the wedding, the family went for golf practise. And i must say, IT'S AN EXCRUXIATING GAME!!! honestly, it takes a lot of PATIENCE.
Each time i practise, i never get it right.
There are juz so many things to rmb, n i tried observing others, but i still dont understand wad im doin wrong. There was a point of time during the practise when i got so damn frustrated, i juz smashed the club at the ball.
Oh, it flew off alright.
But it didnt go far.
Sigh.
It juz shows you still need technique to play well.
But i realised today my patience has grown. The first time i practised, i got so pissed off with everyhting, i threw down the club several times and started cursing. But today, i held my temper n tears all the way till im done with all the balls.
I was boiling inside of coz. I really felt like screaming n kicking n makin a hell lot of noise. But i pushed it all down.
Nevertheless, i had a tiny outburst with dad becoz he wanted to go outside to have a snack but i wanted to buy a quick one at the cafe at the golf range. But pls, i was already lava hot inside coz of the practise. I need an excuse to shed an angry tear to make me feel better.
Even if it's a lame stupid excuse.
Note to self: Learn to control temper more effectively.
tranquility ; 12/31/2005 03:23:00 pm.
30.12.05
Young 
AND Old
had a long msn chat with sixuan last night n i must say, i learnt quite a lot. i told her abt not being able to get along well with ppl my age, n she said maybe if i dun keep thinkin they're my age, i'll be able to get along well with them.
i thought that makes a lot of sense, becoz when i talk to ppl, i keep thinkin in my mind that he is my senior, or she is my junior. but when it comes to ppl my age, i juz have that mental block to talk to them. i suppose i should really stop thinkin liddat.
but i think what makes a person senior to me, is not his or her age, rather, it is the mature way he or she thinks n the experience they have. It is the wisdom they have that makes it more comfortable for me to talk to them and the good advise they can give me.
Lyk i talked to michelle last night too, n she said i feel that yf is the best thing that ever happened to me becoz i only meet them once a week, n perhaps during the annual camp, so i cannot see the flaws that they have. So that's why i prefer them to my school frens.
This is something i never thought of, and now reflecting on it, it's very true. Im sure if i spent everyday with the yf, common conflicts would pop up too, juz lyk in school.
If someone who is, say, 4 yrs older than me, but behaves like a child n has completely no sense of direction in life, not to mention totally NOT sensible, i must say, i cant see him as my senior.
In other words, anyone whose thinkin is more mature than me, and has more experience in life, is my senior, and anyone who needs help n advise from me is my junior. Other than that, everyone else is my age.
Im not sure if this makes sense to you, but it's how i feel.
Perhaps i cant get along very well with ppl my age becoz there's nothing much we can talk abt.
Lyk if i talk to a senior, i can ask him/her for advise when i need to adapt to new changes or ask qns abt growing up. And when im talkin to a junior, i can tell him/her my life experiences n share with her some of the probs i once encountered, similar to his/hers.
But wad to talk abt with someone my age? Someone sharing the same probs as me, someone who cant give me advise on solving those probs? Of coz, when i meet someone with common interest as me, we have loads to talk abt, especially if our lives r somewhat similar.
Take lynn for example (the girl who went to carolling practise with me). We talk abt anything, n i think it's mostly becoz she's more mature n she thinks widely. We both have our own faults, but becoz of the similarities we share, conflicts seldom arise. Plus, lynn has high tolerance level n is a really forgiving girl.
But frens lyk her are hard to come, so i find myself mostly talkin to seniors/juniors. I like swapping life stories n talkin abt things that make you think. One of my good frens in NY once said to me, "Jianni ah, you don't know how to crap!"
It's true, i suppose. I cant bring myself to ask pointless qns or qns with very obvious answers. If i do, it's either out of genuine curiosity, or im feelin wacky.
I admit, not being able to crap does cramp my social circle a little, becoz with the ability to crap, that good fren of mine is able to make frens just like that *SNAP* But i believe in makin real frens who can share secrets n probs with each other.
Crappin helps us to make frens, but r they real, long lasting frens? I make frens based on interests or similarities, but that doesnt mean im not friendly. I can be frens with everyone, but good close frens?
Limited.
Call me fussy, but i'll rather have a few close-to-heart frens, than a humongous circle of frens, amongst which none of them have a deep friendship with me.
Hmm ok.
TIME OUT.
Lemme think.
How did i end up talkin abt makin frens?
Wait wait wait...
Ummhmm...
DING *lightbulb lights up*
Senior n junior right?
So back to Point One.
I personally dont see this as a prob (not being able to get along well with ppl my age), becoz i believe if im made to be frens with someone, we will be. If i cant get along that well with most ppl in my age grp -shrugs- what can i do?
I will try, but i will not change the way God made me.
There are those who can only get along well with juniors, n those who only like seniors. For me, im juz a minority who likes both grps of ppl, but cant walk hand in hand with my age grp.
Oh well.
Maybe one day i'll be able to see the world through the eyes of my age grp ppl. Then i'll know what they're thinkin.
But for now, im juz happy being around the lil n older ones.
:)
tranquility ; 12/30/2005 02:20:00 pm.
29.12.05
To Sixuan:
it's really all about what you choose to believe and how you want to think...
My first experience of enrivonmental change was p4. Halfway through the year, i was transferred from a co-ed school, Qifa, to an all girlz school, CHIJ (bukit timah). The culture there was very different but becoz i wuz still young, i adapted pretty well.
Due to the fact that i sat next to the class monitress, i made a lot of frens easily n within half a year, i climbed from the 20th position of the worst class (in Qifa), to 1st in the second best class (in IJ).
It was the happiest period of my life n for once, i had true frens who liked me for who i was.
But then i went to EM1, n only 4 other from my class went with me. It wasn't a pleasant time for me, becoz those in my EM1 class were originally already good frens. Those who went with me from my p4 class weren't even my close frens.
Yet, the Lord saw all these.
He directed me to a group of frens who eventually walked through the next 2 yrs with me (one of them remained my closest primary school fren till today), n later in my p5 year, i met another group of frens.
This group was quite neglected in the class.
One was quiet n silently hardworking, the other was blur n often teased by students, the last was what they called childish and had fantasty disney dreams.
I befriended this group and together, we had a lot of fun during our school dayz. I remember before PSLE, we made a pact to go to the same school, of coz eventually, only two of them went into SCGS, the rest split up.
When i entered NY, only one girl from my p.sch went with me, n she wasnt my close frens either. I thought this would be a great chance for us to become good frens.
I learnt how wrong i was.
She was a typical cute n sweet girl, who made frens with the popular ones quite easily. I, on the other hand, was less prone to attracting attention, so i made frens with those who were quieter n less "loud".
The Lord saw my troubles once again n led me into the lives of one particular group of frens.
There were five of us altogether, one different from another and unique in our own ways. We fought n we quarrelled, but there were happy moments too.
Once, becoz of the issue of popularity, one of us nearly left, but eventually, we stuck together till the end of sec 2.
That was when everything changed again.
Yvonne, the brains, transferred to RGS.
Danxun, the mature n love expert, migrated to New Jersey.
And the remaining three were streamed into 3 different classes.
Things got worse when i found out none of my close sec 2 frens were in my sec 3 class.
I was all alone.
The first month of this yr was unbearably painful for me.
I cried nearly every day n became overwhelmingly depressed.
I kept shut during lessons n wrote songs whenever i had nothing to do. Everyone around me was slowly makin frens, but i remained silent.
At this point of time, i had completely forgotten abt my p.sch frens. We lost touch for a long time n led our seperate lives.
Perhaps out of lonliness, i started contacting all my old frens again n once again, we were frens. I was so desperate for frens i even resorted to makin frens online. Trouble brewed n it formed a vital part of my memory, one which taught me about life n brought me closer to God.
He could've stopped me if He wanted, but He let me make one mistake after another, finally, before i could plunge myself down the wrong path, He stepped in n took control of the situation.
Everything went right from then on n now, im finally living for myself, no longer worried abt my social life.
Then again, the problem is not completely solved.
In school, i still find myself wandering. I do have a few closer frens, but not to the extend we would talk abt anything n walk hand in hand. They have their own social life, n i have basically none in school.
If there's one thing im afraid of, it's being alone - spiritually or physically.
I went to a PSGL (Peer Support Group Leader) meeting this morning, n i was sitting alone in the corner of the Lecture Threatre. It didn't feel good, n i felt insignificant, not to mention sad.
My confidence level went low n i didn't speak or made much response during the meeting.
In the past, i had Danxun, now, i have no one.
It juz shows how impt frens can be when it comes to boosting your confidence n shaping up ur character.
I reflected during the metting.
And i realised that im leading different lives.
In church, i lead a cheerful n carefree life.
In school, im more quiet n easily depressed.
At home, im crazy beyond description n love hugging my sisters to death.
Im not sure if it's the same for everyone, but i decided that it's not possible for me to be satisfied with all my different lives.
Different environments call for different ways of behaviour.
I might not like the Jenny in school, especially the ppl around her, but i learn to take it eazy n rmb that i still have another life with God, with the yf.
And yet another life at Home.
Everyone has problem fitting in n being accepted, but sometimes, becoz we are all different, we can only adapt well to certain changes.
For me, i know i will never be able to fully adapt to NY. The behaviour of the girlz, the wayz of the teachers, the school system...
Yet there r girlz who absolutely love NY to pieces n would choose to stay there forever if they could. That's probably becoz of the frens they have there.
I know for me, i'll never fit in anywhere except at hcmc, n that's perfectly fine with me, becoz im made by Him such that i dun get along well with the majority, that's why in sch, or when i change environment, i make frens easily with ppl who r shunned or neglected by the majority of the class.
Haha to put it in a bad way, i easily become the outcast in a new environment, hated or gossiped by others behind.
But since i started in yf, i've learnt to be natural n more confident. So now when i feel lonely or have no frens in sch, instead of pitying myself n telling myself what a looser i am, i choose to think abt the yf, n the frens i have there.
There are a lot of hypocrites around me, especially in class, but instead of alwayz wonderin wad they're sayin abt me, i choose to look at them from the bright side, believing that i can change their bad impression by being sincere.
I watched Secondhand Lions juz now, n i learnt that it's all a matter of what you believe in.
God is there, whether you believe or not.
Your friends are talkin behind your back, but you can choose not to believe what they say.
The new environment freaks you out, but you can choose to believe you're happy n NOT pathetic.
Your siblings neglect you, but you can choose to believe they are juz busy n your generation gap is too big.
I know.
It's as good as lying to yourself.
But who says we cant believe in lies?
If it makes us feel better n does nothing to turn us against God, i don't see the problem.
I prefer to call it Thinking Positively.
It's not true that when you cant make frens so easily in a new environment, it means you're not so friendly n sociable. It probably juz means that you, as a person whom God has created, are not comfortable in that environment.
And it'll take a bit longer to fit it.
If we believe, and we have faith in our daily lives, it's not possible that EVERYTHING in our lives will go wrong.
Sure, one or two major things might happen, lyk homework or Changes, and we'll never be completely satisfied or happy.
HOWEVER, we must keep reminding ourselves of things that make us happy n thankful for. Things that are called Blessings.
It's never easy to smile in the face of problems, but becoz we are never really alone, we can do it.
There is bound to be at least one person on this earth who can make us feel better.
In my case, though i love the yf to pieces, i still havent found that special someone who can make life really different for me (i don't mean a bf, in case anyone got the wrong idea. im juz talkin abt a soul mate kindda person, lyk a fren. And we'll both be special to each other).
Still, i don't let Life get me down.
For now, i have the yf.
Their support, their friendship, their innocent wayz...
And that's all i ever ask for.
To the girl this entry is dedicated to, i hope i havent talked out of point (i usually do), but whateva the case is, i hope you will alwayz remember not to emphasis on your own problems in Life.
Don't repeat your sad story more than thrice maximum, becoz the more you say it, the more you're convincing yourself that your life is SAD.
You only need to tell it once to your family or closest siblings to gain comfort, once to the yf or closest frens to find support, and the last time to God, for guidance n advise.
Too many times will hurt.
Life is not really unfair n a complete thunderstorm unless we choose to think so.
Life can be pretty with sunshine and daisies too.
If we choose to believe.
It all depends on what we focus on.
So here's my advise to you:
When you blog abt something depressing, end it off with something cheerful n colourful that really makes you smile.
Becoz believe it or not, when ppl read ur sad entries, a small percentage of them is saying, "Hey look, life is sad afterall."
And then they start focusing on the sad things in their lives too.
And it all becomes a vicious cycle.
My point is, everyone, just STOP whining n complainin abt Life.
Take a deep breath, get some sleep, and reorganise your thinkin.
It's fine to grumble sometimes, i mean, that's what humans do. But when we overdo it, and get overly serious with our problems in Life, that's when depression settles in and we're spiritually n physically drained.
So, how about a big smile n altogether now:
HAPPY!! SHA LA LA LA~~ ^_^
EVERYBODY SHOULD BE HAPPY!! :)
SHA LA LA LA~!! =)
IT'S SO NICE TO BE HAPPY...!! *_*
SHA LA LA LA~!!
\^0^/
tranquility ; 12/29/2005 02:59:00 pm.
28.12.05
when loneliness swells up inside, nothing can subside it...
except that special someone...
im not sure if this is a normal feeling, n im not sure if i should post this on my blog, but i really need to spill it out.
since this yr, there has been this empty hole inside me, lyk something is missing from my life. and it's something that cannot be replaced by family or friends. it's like a need.
when im happy or really busy, i don't really sense this need. but when i calm down n lay in bed at night, i juz keep thinkin.
i wish this feelin will come to me later in life, becoz right now, i juz wanna focus on my studies, social life n family bonding.
i tried satisfying this need once, n the result was close to disastrous.
i cannot make the same mistake.
it's not the time now, n i understand.
but they alwayz say you cant control your feelings.
aren't christians supposed to have inner peace n feel contented all the time? why do i still feel this strong desire?
i can only keep ignoring it, keep pushing it to the back of my mind... hoping it'll stay faded until the day my parents think im ready to face it.
but isn't there an easier way to deal with this? i know that God has it all planned out for me, n it makes me feel much better, but occassionally, the pulsing desire juz comes back like a ghost.
anyone reading this, if you know what im talkin abt n you have similar experience or you have some comments, tag/email/sms me to let me know.
coz right now, i think only my social life can keep me going.
hmm... i really miss the yfers now.
cant wait to see you guyz.
really.
Confessions of the Sinful teenager:~~
~> forgive me, O Merciful Father, for being unsatisfied with your undying love.
~> pardon me for losing my temper with my daddy and sisters today.
~> and im sorry for being impatient with what you have arranged for me in Life.
~> and also being harsh to a good friend who has been by my side all the time.
~> im deeply regretful for many other wrong doings...
Lord, Forgive Me
in everything that i do, Lord...
help me to be persistent...
and do it with faith and courage...
remind me of my blessings so i learn to be contented...
grant me inner peace...
and open my eyes so i see the need of others...
guide and lead me in Life...
AMEN.
tranquility ; 12/28/2005 08:12:00 pm.
26.12.05
Watched Chronicles of Narnia 2day. It wuz incredible. C.S Lewis is a complete genius!! The whole story was so magical, wildly imaginative n juz unbelievable. Seriously. After the movie, i felt so dazed i couldn't think straight.
Lyk, how could the kidz juz stay in Narnia for so many years?? Until they're all grown up?! And juz suddenly, they stumble back into the real world n it becomes all like a dream? And they have no way back in? So Narnia is like, kingless n queenless there after??
So where exactly is the POINT of the whole fighting-the-snow-queen thing?
I discussed it with daddy on the way back, n we've decided that the whole Narnia experience was really all in the imagination of the four kidz. It could be real. No one will ever know. Point is, they were there, n everything felt real to them.
They survived. And they learnt.
They learnt about betrayer, the love of kinship, n most importantly, courage.
And the moral of the story seems to be revolving around the imagination of children. Sometimes we shouldn't be too absorbed in reality. We need to chill out at times n juz imagine.
It reminded me of the time when i wuz still a child. I used to imagine being captured by bad ppl and fighting to save myself. Then i'll pretend with barbie dolls, makin up stories n acting them out with the toys.
It all seemed real at that time, n sometimes, i could almost see everything happening in front of my eyes, as if i were watching a movie. After Jamie came, we started buildings "houses" out of blankets n chairs, pretending we were magical animals that could talk n we would visit each other n have adventures.
Then during my P6 year, i suddenly lost interest in pretending. At first i thought i wuz juz tired, but the excitement of imagining things never came back.
Now, that memory is fading away, n i can't imagine things as well as i could.
My very wise english teacher once said, the power of a child is that he could imagine, and that is one thing grown ups cannot do.
Suddenly, i feel upset again, becoz back when i could imagine stuff, my dayz were glorious, and i was never really truly sad.
But then i remember.
I can still imagine now, juz not in real life.
I can still fantasise n day dream, and sometimes they become so real i almost believe them.
I love lying in the bed for hrs, juz makin up a world called Kastilda, where dark and light magic were constantly at war. I made up this really lovely character called Jessie, who went to this world and the portal vanished, leavin her stranded there.
Then there was this guy called Jason, n they had amazing adventures together.
This is how i started writing my series of books called The Magicator.
The main character, Jessie, is real.
Or at least real in my mind.
Jessie is someone who has grown up with me since i was only seven.
She has changed personalities several times, but she was really the same deep down inside. She is everything i want to be, but cannot be.
I am not mentally retarded.
I swear.
I juz have a wilder imagination.
It never really went away.
Even after my childhood.
So to those who are proof reading my book now, i hope u're having fun in Kastilda, and for those who haven't read it, i hope you'll try it one day.
It is my imagination in reality.
So anyway, daddy and i were talkin.
And i mentioned abt missing my childhood. He agreed and said that in different phrases of our lives, we experience different things. We alwayz want to grow up faster when we're little, but when we get old, we wish time would slow down.
So the best solution is to juz simply treasure every day of your present life n make full use to it.
WARNING:
The below contents are some personal thoughts. Not meant to be taken too seriously by anyone.
Childhood, is about havin fun n being innocent.
Teenhood, is about building up our intellect for the future as well as shaping up our character to prepare ourselves for university. Of course, teenhood is also about havin a healthy n active social life, n working towards our dream.
Early adulthood, is about stepping into the real working society n possibly havin a family n thinkin abt the kidz's future.
Adulthood, is about preparing for the kidz' education n earning enough money to support the family n takin care of our parents.
Retirement, is about chilling out n reflecting on what has happened in our lives, enjoying what the world has to offer n to take up healthy activities to keep us going.
Life, is about being thankful for what we have been blessed with, doin everything with a smile to glorify Him, and simply preparing ourselves for the day when we'll meet him. All these achieved by reading the bible and constantly praying.
Hmm... ok.
Im done with my complicated reflections.
Phew.
This may sound a bit random, but...
I LOVE THE YFERS!!!
Minnie Sixuan Yilun Emily Tiffany Nichloas Grace Jun'an Michelle Zhixuan Alvin Jiaxin Pamela TY Rachel Kelvin Ming Yao AND MANY MANY MORE!!!
Oopz.
I juz suddenly thought of all of you n i juz feel so happy.
Everytime i go online, the first group of ppl i check for online is the "Church" group :)
Juz feel really blessed to know all of you.
Lookin forward to saturday =)
See ya at student centre!!
tranquility ; 12/26/2005 08:17:00 pm.
25.12.05
ohh long time no blog.
So much has happened over the past few dayz n i've been so touched by the Holy Spirit :) firstly n most importantly, there wuz the christmas eve carolling!
Some of the yf ppl formed a choir n we carolled around the estates near church. It was a new n wonderful experience for me, especially when i realised ppl actually bothered to stop n listen. Perhaps it's coz it's not everyday they meet ppl carolling, but then again, it made me realise it's juz possible that our singing that night MIGHT have triggered some feelings inside someone, n that might juz be enough to change his or her life.
Sometimes we juz need a sign from God or a tiny nudge from the Holy Spirit, then we'll find ourselves going in His direction. It could be possible that our carolling had caused someone to think abt Him.
With that in mind, i really sang with my heart n hoped that the choir's voice will reach into the hearts of the listeners. Some kidz were really warm n supportive, n we even took pics with them. They don't all speak english, yet they kept yelling, "Good, Good! Very good!" after we finished carolling.
It's amazing how they can still appreciate our songs of praise, even though we speak different languages n when i heard them cheering, it wuz as if it were a sign from God, that he too was happy with what we were doin.
Through the carolling, i got to know some members of yf better, n im grateful for the chance. After UB4, i've been hoping for another chance as such, n the night after carolling wuz awesome.
The girlz chatted waay past their bedtimes n we had supper (macdonald) at a very late hour.
I talked to someone for a long time n though i had to give up some precious sleep, i wuz thankful for the chance, becoz i learnt a lot from the conversation, regarding her life as well as those of other yfers.
Seems to me now that everyone leads 2 lives, some even more, n we all have many sides, basically sad n happy. It makes me feel better becoz sometimes i feel that i behave differently with different ppl. And now i know it's normal.
Christmas 2day has been fabulous.
Joyce was juz absolutely fascinated with her presents n convinced that all her wishes had come true :)
Though Jamie n I knew what presents we were getting, becoz we bought it for each other, we still had fun pretending to be surprised in front of Joyce. It was especially satisfying for us when we sneaked out the surprise prezzies for daddy n mummy.
A vibrating body massager for daddy (in the shape of a doggy), a bible book holder n snow globe for mummy ^ ^
Ohh jamie bought an archie comic for me as a surprise! Haha, THANKS JAMIE!!
Yulan:
Frankly, im quite certain what kind of person i want to become, but im not sure if i can do it. becoz the person i want to become when i grow up, is a rather complicated person. She is someone who does not envy nor feel jealous, never petty nor unkind, alwayz happy n friendly to everyone, brings hope or at least inpsires the ppl around her.
This person sounds almost perfect, which im sure is what everyone hopes to become. But there's no such thing as perfection, we all know.
I don't know how far i'm away from my goal, but im sure God can change us, and i juz pray (wheneva i think abt this) that He will change me into someone he wants me to be.
To me, the most important thing is (after family) my social life.
I cannot bear the thought of losing friends, or having ppl hate or dislike me. I know i cannot satisfy everyone, but as long as i have no problem at least communicating with everyone n workin with ppl, im happy.
tranquility ; 12/25/2005 07:55:00 pm.
21.12.05
i feel so glam n woman 2day.
oh man.
i bought my first ever pair of high heels ON IMPULSE. but i really lyk the glittery maple. it's so shiny n pretty~~ Then i wore ear rings that look lyk dreamweavers (which i totally adore), n this ancient looking necklace that i've not worn for AGES.
I swear im usually not so bimbotic.
I dunno wad came over me 2day.
Probably coz im goin orchard.
Wadeva.
It felt good.
Dressing up, i mean.
Lyk, come on, how many times do we actually get to wear nicely? I think girlz shld dress up once in a while to gain some confidence. becoz sometimes, we're so busy we dun take care of our outer appearance, then we think we're ugly n fat etc. but when we dress, we see that actually we're not so bad.
let's not talk abt those who dress up all the time.
So im actually feelin really happy now, coz juz came back from carollin practise n everything's been so fun! i mean, yea i didn't get that hug from sixuan, but it's still great to see everyone again :)
Though there are quite few ppl 2day, we did our individual best to keep spirits up. And im glad my fren, lynn, could nevertheless see the cheerful spirit of hcmc yf despite the numbers.
I cant rmb wad she said abt yf, but im sure she thinks everyone' s really friendly, not to mention SOME ppl who r lyk being totally OVER FRIENDLY.
HAHA!
So out of point lah, these ppl.
Pressurise my dear fren...
No lah, seriously, im grateful to ppl lyk SIXUAN & MINNIE for makin lynn feel so welcomed n homey =) i wuz kindda worried she'd feel left out.
Anywayz, i realised also that havin frens makes me smiley too. As in, when i think abt how nicely everyone treats me, i juz feel so LOVED.
Of coz in sch it's a different thing, coz u nv know if they're treating u nicely n with SINCERITY, or izzit juz an act of hypocrisy.
Sighx... i alwayz get stressed juz thinkin abt NY galz.
They can be sooo complicated sometimes.
Oh well.
As long as i have the yf behind me, i'll be happy every day *grins*
Ohh on the way home juz now, jamie said sth that made me quite sad.
She said she didn't think daddy was goin to buy her a handphone, n i can really see she's quite saddened. I know she really really really wants a handphone, n it's seriously necessary for her, but daddy might not know.
I've tried talking to him, but i understand he has a lot of family burdens already, n i dun want him to feel pressurised by jamie's need of a handphone. I told her i could share mine with her, lyk we split the wk n use the handphone, but she said forget it.
I juz feel v.sorry for jamie.
She tried her best for psle, n it's not her fault she cannot score 3 marks for higher chinese or get into NY.
I think as long as she has tried her best, she ought to be rewarded for her effort.
ARRGHH.
If only im old enough to work.
Then i'll be able to earn enough money to buy her a handphone for a christmas surprise. I feel so disappointed in myself. She oreadi bought me a surprise christmas prezzie n i've got her nth.
Boo.
Ohh.
I want an older brother.
Still lookin for one.
Haha actually i have a lot of older brothers liaox.
There's a handful of them at hcmc yf.
A bunch of deranged monkeys.
:D
Thanks everyone~!!
tranquility ; 12/21/2005 11:34:00 pm.
20.12.05
Juz finished writing xmas cards to my classmates n frens. oh man. hand aching!! n my tongue tastes weird from all that licking the glue stuff on the envelope. bleagh.
haha anyway, it wuz all good fun n in the spirit of xmas.
jamie n i have wrapped up all the presents on our lists n we're juz waitin for the big day now. i feel really poor this xmas, coz i splurged quite a lot last mth when i went out with frens. so i cant get jamie much for xmas. she dun seem to mind, n i know she's gettin some surprise prezzies for me.
N that juz makes it doubly bad for me!!
Boo...
Maybe i could do more chores around the house and dad'll give me some pocket money. But jamie is already doin all the work to earn that extra few bucks.
Sighx...
I've still got 23 more cards to write to the yfers, n my To Do list is no where near completion. This is so tiring n frustrating, but as long as the holidays are not over, i still have time to do them, so i wun stress myself.
Hmm... the manuscript is shaping up n im juz finished up the cover page design. Hope can rush out everything before Christmas.
Ohhh im soo lookin forward to carolling.
It's gonna be my first ever, n im sure it'll be fun.
Trying to read the baptism manual currently, a bit tough for me, coz language quite cheem, but i'll keep trying.
Oh n erm, if anyone has the time, pls give me a full recount of what happened last sun (the voting, i believe), coz although sixuan has been kind enough to tell me what happened, it's still not detailed enough for me.
lyk, wad happened the min u stepped into the humanities room... who said what, who did what, how did the voting start n proceed... coz i've never been to a proper election with names being proposed n seconded, so i'll lyk to know.
I feel really crummy for missing yf last sunday, n if i have a detailed recount, i can perhaps paint the voting session in my mind. then i wun feel so bad abt missing it.
Anyway, i wuz thinkin abt this whole blog thing.
Wad's the real purpose of it anyway?
For me, it's a form of keepin in touch with frens, letting them know how's my life goin thru my entires. But then again, how many ppl actually take time off to go blog surfing? They do, im sure, but technology is so advanced now, if i wanted someone to know abt my life, i'd call her.
Blog is also a way of gettin to know each other better. Through our entries, we can note the tone n behaviour of each other as we recount our day's happening. But this brings me back to point one, not many ppl actually have so much time to understand their frens better through their blogs.
And this whole "no time" thing actually caused me, as a blogger, to have one thought: Why should i blog?
I know there r ppl who read my blog, but not enough to encourage me to write, becoz that's the purpose of a blog, to let ppl read.
Yet there r enough ppl who r reading this to stop me from writing anything way too personal. Or thoughts that r hidden deep inside me.
So at the end of the day, wad exactly is the purpose of a blog?
An online diary which u can write anything u want?
If u do, u may be accused of racism, or u might hurt someone's feelings, or u could offend another. You cant juz write without thinkin on a blog.
Is blog a narrative form of diary, where u juz recount what happened to u in a day?
If so, r ppl really interested in wad happened to u in sch or at home? Wouldn't they be more concerned abt their own lives?
Or really, is blog a place for ppl to whine n complain, post their probs n let ppl tag their words of comfort n advises?
This seems by far, to me, the most sensible purpose of a blog. It takes too much time juz callin up frens n keep repeating the whole sad story, juz to hear what they have to say n feel comforted.
But what abt ppl who lead happy sunshine lives n have no complains? I don't think they have a need for blogs, then. So does this mean only sad n grumpy ppl have blogs?
Of coz, happy ppl can have blogs too. Their blogs will most probably be full of smileys n love, inspiring everyone to be cheerful n take a positive attitude towards life.
Again, i don't think ppl actually read a blog purposefully juz to find inspiration or be happy.
In fact, i wonder now: Why do ppl read blogs?
In my case, i dun read unless they tell me to, or when i feel that someone is troubled n i want to know more abt her problem. OR i have some frens whom i dun meet often n i wanna understand what's goin on in their lives.
What abt you? Do u read blogs for a purpose? And why do u blog?
Post at the tagboard n tell me kz, coz this topic is quite interesting for me.
Anyway, personally, i have nothing against blogging. I wuz juz thinkin abt it n the above was what i came up with.
Im on a neutral stand here, so pls feel free to tag ur opinions.
^ ^
tranquility ; 12/20/2005 06:23:00 pm.
19.12.05
Yippee.
Back from m'sia ^ ^
The trip wuz short but wild.
3 families went n there were altogether 13 ppl. Not an unlucky number i would consider, it wuz probably gd, but it could get better if there were 12 instead.
See, there wuz this girl (she's not in the picture), 5 yrs old, who is really spoilt n a total brat. Oh dun get me wrong. She looks angel sweet n all that, lyk any typical round eyed child, but deep down inside, she's as scheming as a baby fox.
Um. That doesn't sound right.
Never mind.
Point is, she totally loves sucking up to the older ones, n pitting herself against the toddler in the pic. See, the toddler has elder twin sisters, aged 13, n this angel girl juz enjoys makin the toddler feel all crummy n lousy that someone else has gotten her older sisters.
It's not lyk she doesn't have her own elder sis, she juz didn't come.
But angel girl juz had to budge into every family photo besides her own, n make herself look lyk a complete extra.
There wuz once when we were havin dinner at a restaurant, n she wuz being naughty n played with the toothpicks. Accidentally, she emptied the whole bottle onto the floor n there wuz a huge mess.
Joyce n the toddler instantly leapt back n started pickin up the toothpicks.
Angel girl?
She went cowering behind her parents, fearfully eyeing every waiter/waitress as they passed, afraid of getting scolded. Then finally one waiter came up to our table n saw the Joyce n the toddler picking up the toothpicks.
Of course, to him, it seemed obvious who'd spilled the toothpicks.
But, duh, gimme a break.
It wasn't the two of them!
Oh, they didn't get scolded, but it wuz still irritatin for me as an older sis to see my younger sis get a bad impression from a stranger, even though she did nothing wrong.
N angel girl says really hurting stuff which she really meant.
Lyk pointing out someone's faceful of horrible pimples or leg hair etc.
It's juz sooo frustrating to be around her.
Her parents r seriously nice n sweet tempered, that's probably why they cant bear to scold her etc. So she turned out to be a selfish, irresponsible, spoilt, irritating little angel.
The whole incident made me think.
Can we really excuse kidz such as angel girl juz becoz they are, well, kidz?
Can being "a child" be used as an excuse for such disgusting behaviour?
Should we be kind n sweet to them even though they totally turn off ppl with their spoilt ways?
Shouldn't we, lyk, gently try to remind them of their manners n stuff? Even though we're not their parents?
I dun understand how parents can allow their kidz to turn out lyk this.
Maybe they don't know.
I know, it sounds lyk im being really mean n stuff, but truth is, i totally cant bring myself to be nice to someone lyk her.
Im usually really happy around kids, n i dun mind being teased or being played around with, but not when they take it for granted n r total stinkin brats that r not worth the effort.
I kept my promise to her n bought her a lolly, but it wuz really becoz she insisted on it.
-Shrugs-
Kidz.
What can u do?
We've juz got to be nice to them, haven't we?
Most kidz r juz so full of beans n totally innocent n cute, but so NOT lyk angel brat. Seriously. She's the first.
Urgghhh.
I think i so totally sinned against the Lord by speakin bad behind her back.
I spoke so badly about her, im beginning to think im a devil.
I would've ruined my reputation as a nice, kind older sister.
CRAP!
Why can't i juz give the poor kid a chance?
What came over me?!?
I swear im usually not lyk that.
I juz never met such an obnoxious kid.
Oh here's an enlarged pic of her with Joyce:
Who would believe she's such a...
Oh never mind.
Forget it.
It's over anyway.
Lord, forgive me.
Sighx... at least i didn't show my dislike for her, i tried my best to be nice to her.
Over the past 3 dayz, i learnt a very impt lesson - no, it's not abt angel brat - a family holiday often serves the purpose of bonding everyone n helps us to know each other better.
Lyk through this trip to malaysia, i realised that Joyce can actually get really high n idiot when Jamie n I get her into the right mood.
N that's when things go totally wrong.
She'll completely lose herself n start doin things that blow me up.
Lyk being disrespectful n calling me names, screaming at the wrong time, roll her eyes n totally kill me...
Arrghh.
Oh well.
It's kindda lyk a side effect of hers when she gets high.
Can't help it.
Jamie n I got soo crazy during the long drive that we totally forced the wild side of Joyce out.
We imitated well known commercials by changing the product they advertise to something silly; did raps in stupid slangs; sang songs by direct translation; re-invented the famous lines of actors/actresses e.g. Mei Ren Yuuuu. etc etc.
It lasted for only, lyk, 15 mins?
But it was my craziest moment since i wuz born.
Then on the last night, before we came back to s'pore, Jamie n I led the other girlz into craziness too. Oooh i think we created quite a racket in the restaurant.
Oh, i also realised that Jamie actually cares a lot a lot a lot A LOT for me.
*grins*
Really.
After we spent the whole day in the water theme park at our resort, i wuz feelin kindda weak n feverish, she wuz so worried she kept askin if i were alright.
Aw... so sweet...
Im totally touched.
I put on a big smiley face n told her i wuz fine.
But i really wuz feelin fine, after knowing how much she cared.
N mummy, through the trip, i discovered that she can get flustered quite easily. Lyk, really flustered.
Her fingers can turn to jelly n her mind would be totally messed up n she wouldn't be able to think straight.
I alwayz thought my mum wuz the cool n composed type.
But the trip proved me wrong.
While she wuz driving, she made a few small mistakes n she totally shrieked n made a everyone jumpy, thinkin something major had happened.
MUM!
You've got to learn how to be cool in times of trouble!
But i really think she did a good job.
Everyone else thought so.
Even daddy.
Speakin of daddy, the trip made me feel quite sad.
He wuz tryin to take some pics for us when we were sittin on the boat for a ride called Grand Canyon Rapids, but the boat gave a sudden jerk n he slid off his seat n bumped his back on the side of the boat.
He laughed it off n we all thought he wuz fine... until dinner time.
He didn't come out for dinner n we were told later there was a dreadful pain in his back.
He couldn't walk properly after that n had probs even sittin n standing up.
That wuz how mummy came to be the driver.
As i watched daddy limp his way around, it suddenly struck me how much he had aged over the yrs n i suddenly had a vision of him as an old man.
Oh man.
I really wanted to cry.
I juz felt so upset.
He told me jokingly that he didn't want to be paralysed yet, becoz he still have a lot of family burdens to take care of. And there were still a lot of things he want to do, lyk get his dream house n play golf with us.
I dun want him to be paralysed either....!!
I wuz so worried sick that i smsed minnie n asked her to tell yf to pray for my dad.
He has done a lot for the family, n has a lot more to do.
I dun want to grow up yet, but i have to, becoz i want to take care of my parents.
I dun want them to work so hard now, but they have to, becoz they want to take care of us.
The least I can do now as the oldest child is take good care of the younger ones n try to help out more around the house.
It takes patience n time to do that, but i'll have to make it a habit.
Beocz i never know what's gonna happen tomorrow.
And if one day, sth really happens to someone in the family, i'll live with regret forever.
That's how i go about treating everyone in my life.
I treat them as though i'll never see them again.
It's not a curse.
It's a way of reminding myself how precious n unpredictable life is.
And we dunno what's gonna happen the next minute.
I dun want regrets in my life.
Especially to my family.
So here's a reminder to everyone reading this:
You never know if you'll lose someone the next minute, and if you ever get really angry with someone n feel lyk doin something mean to him/her, ask yourself, "What if i never see him/her again?"
The question helps me to keep my temper under control.
It might work for you too.
PICTURES~!!!
Sunway Lagoon Resort lobby
family photo outside hotel ^ ^
girlz wet after ride...!
girlz in the house :)
playing kangaroo :P
*sisters*in*christ*
TO SIXUAN:
Thanks for alwayz being here for me and don't stress over being new kz? Im juz as new as you in yf n u're never alone. You're actually a very friendly n sociable girl, try to open up n make as much frens as possible in ur new cca. I had the same problem as you when i transferred the start of this yr, but things got better with new friends. At first i wuz so stressed i cried every time during cca for the first wk. It's all a matter of time.
And when u feel so depressed n upset with life, dun think of cryin as the first solution. Count ur blessings n think of someone who is in a worse situation than you, then try n help him/her. It makes u feel more fortunate n less sian with life. If it doesn't help, you could alwayz arrange to go out with some frens (lyk minnie n me ^ ^) n have a gd talk or laugh it off. If no time, a phone call will do.
But sometimes, i understand nothing really helps, n at this point of time, a good cry will help. After that, give urself a shake n remind urself that ur frens in church will alwayz be there for u, n u'll alwayz find comfort n advise here.
All ur probs abt being new, sch probs etc are juz what i'd call "short term probs". These r probs that will can be solved sooner or later, n through these probs, u discover who r ur real frens n ur faith in God grows stronger. Don't let these "short term probs" get u down, becoz it's juz part of the devil's plot to make u spiritually tired n mentally worn out. It is the "long term probs" you should be worried abt, lyk being a living testimonial to God n frequently goin back to his Words for enlightenment. If u r constantly takin care of ur "long term probs", the short term ones will naturally be solved n u'll see that at the end of the day, everything will be fine.
Continue smiling n i really hope to see u in church for a long long time :)
tranquility ; 12/19/2005 01:06:00 pm.
14.12.05
Everything went smoothly today during video editing. Though there were a few minor technical probs, i managed to finish editing everything n send it to my own account so i can add in the music at home :)
Praise the Lord~!!
Anyway, spent abt 2.5 hrs in comp lab, then went home for lunch n finally off to my ex-piano tchr's hse. Her two kidz r really adorable, the older one bossy n a typical boy (competitive n unwilling to lose), the younger one seriously into Barbie n Power Rangers.
I know!!
It's such a cute combination!!
*screams*
He loves Barbie's hair n clothes, but enjoys fighting lyk the Power Rangers. That's juz sooo RARE! I wonder how he'll grow up to be like. But his older brother, Gavin, keeps teasing him for lykin Barbie n the pink colour.
Poor gareth kept defending himself.
Oooh. So cutie cutie!!
We played some pretty childish games lyk Tables n Chairs (where we're supposed to stack up mini tables n chairs, sth lyk uno stacko), but i kindda liked it, coz i haven been around kidz for some time.
Then i took them all down to the playground n that's when sth happened.
As i wuz the oldest, it's obvious im meant to take care of 3 yr old Gareth, but i lost focus for one split second n he went toddling towards the swings.
WHAM.
Jamie, who was on the swing at that time, slammed into him n he went spinning on the ground. Ok, it wasnt that bad, he wasnt hurt at all, but still, i felt awfully bad.
The poor kid burst out cryin n to my surprise, he made a beeline for his older bro, throwing his arms around Gavin's waist n sobbing.
That scene really touched me.
Gavin often smacked Gareth n left him out of games, makin him cry n stuff, but now, when he felt hurt, the first person little brother thinks of is his big brother.
Like, love totally surpasses everything else.
I geniunely felt i've done Gareth wrong, but after a min, he wuz beaming n high fiving with me again. That's when i realised something else.
Little kidz r totally full of beans n downright innocent.
To them, they r blameless, n in their eyes, everyone is faultless.
They may feel the pain n cry, but they absolutely cannot find it in their hearts to blame anyone. They juz accept what has happened to them n forget abt it quickly.
Some ppl, as they grow out of their childhood, they still retain this special character - innocence n forgiveness.
But sad to say, most ppl lose it.
If our hearts r broken in a relationship, we fault somebody.
If we lose sth, we blame.
If we trip over someone, we curse.
If our parents restrict us, we grumble.
How many times a day do we say, "It's all XXX's fault!" or "It's not my fault!!"
How often do we remark, "I hate XXX!"
These r wordz that will never come out of the mouth of a kid.
Im talkin abt really young kidz, lyk, nearly toddlers.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes, i feel that i lyk little kidz better than ppl of my age. Sometimes, i lyk the little ones more than myself.
The grown up world n complicated society has completely changed our natural forms. We grow up n get influenced by the scheming world, where it's "The Survival of The Fittest". Thus we often kill each other in order to grow stronger, abandoning our conscience n shedding our child-like innocence.
We cannot afford to "lose out" to others or fade out among our peers. We have to follow up with the lastest trends in order to look "in the crowd". These are all part of fighting for our own survival.
I think i might've stretched the topic a little too far, but what im saying is, the poisoned insides of some ppl around me really disgust me. The way they behave n the way they talk makes me wonder how they were as little kidz.
Perhaps it's good for all of us to take some time off to play around with toddlers.
Their innocence n simplicity will stun you.
And you will see how complex the adult minds are.
Oh, there's another thing i've been thinkin abt.
It's really becoz of the sermon last sunday.
Sth Pastor Li said made me think.
Why am i chosen to be a Christian?
He's chosen me to serve him, but im not sure in what area.
What is my purpose as His child?
I dun think im capable of spreadin the Word yet,
so what exactly am i meant to do?
I cant juz sit back n sing holy hymns all the time.
Yf ppl, if anyone reading this n have comments, pls tag kz?
Coz it's sth that's been bothering me for quite some time now.
Anywayz, really drained now...
still have golf lesson tmr morning n piano lesson in the aftnn.
Pleasant dreamz everyone~!!
tranquility ; 12/14/2005 11:03:00 pm.
13.12.05
Ohhh.
stress stress stress...!!!
i haven felt soo busy for AGES.
it started today, when i went to sch to download the video for my china immersion trip. I wuz in charge of editing it n burning a copy for the sch. HOWEVER...
I spent the whole day in sch, n STILL did not manage to finish the editing.
By 4pm (i went to sch at 9am), i had only just managed to finish downloading everything. And the lab would be closing in an hr. So i had no time to do the editing. Eventually i decided to burn everything into a CD n edit at home. HOWEVER...
I split the downloading process into 2 parts, becoz i went out for lunch around 12. I managed to burn the first part into the CD, BUT for the second part, i couldn't burn at all. Probably becoz of the CD, nevertheless, i wuz stuck with no ideas.
How wuz i goin to bring home everything for editing?!?
I tried using Yousendit, compiling everything into zip form, burning again n again... nothing worked eventually. I waited sooo long for the cursed Yousendit that finally, i had to give up becoz the lab wuz closing.
Trust me, i prayed.
It wuz useless.
At that point, i really questioned God. All my faith in him seemed to be put to the test once again. All that spiritual connection with him during UB4 evaporated n i began wondering.
I felt so close to him during quiet times n bible study, or even when im with my friends. Yet when real life situations need His help, it doesn't seem to do any good.
I juz cant pray that the computer works n bingo, it'll work.
It juz doesn't work lyk that.
I wuz stressed beyond description.
I had spent the ENTIRE day in sch, slaving in the chilly comp lab, n it all comes down to NOTHING. All becoz the stupid comp wouldn't burn my data.
#@*!#!!#
So now i have to go back to sch early in the morning at 9am tmr to do the editing part. coz i've got to visit my ex-piano tchr in the afternn.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming the Lord. I juz wonder what good is spiritual peace when ur real life probs juz doesnt seem to get solved. Or when everything goes wrong in the day.
Oh wait.
Something went right: I managed to get home before it rained.
Big deal.
Sighx...
WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH ME?!?
i cant believe im actually doubting Him.
Yulan, i think i need another counselling session =(
it's been so long since i experienced things goin wrong in my day. I juz need someone or something to blame it all on. But maybe it's not anyone's fault. It juz happened for a reason.
A reason not meant to be comprehended by my shallow human mind.
A reason that is so godly, a human like me would not understand.
Please.
I've heard that SO-O-O many times...
I really need a direct answer.
Whatever.
Im feelin incredibly crummy, lousy, grumpy n sweaty now (did 15mins hula hooping juz now). Shall talk abt sth nicer...
I wanna watch Perhaps Love.
Oooh it's soo dance-y n sing song-y, lyk a musical ^0^ n it's full of vibrancy n love. A bit abstract, i heard, but it's definitely a good quality show.
ANYONE WANNA WATCH?!
Oh that reminds me, have to save up for Christmas. Still haven buy prezzie for Jamie, Minnie, Sixuan, n chocs or sth for the yf.
Family n I goin out on... 23rd dec i think, to watch Chronicles of Narnia. Whoosh. So cool :D maybe this time we'll finally get to take a family neoprint!! Jamie n I have been dying for one.
Daddy's company alwayz provides tix for such movies at a much lower rate n we've watched Ocean's Twelve & Harry Potter 5 before as a family.
Yea, ok i know.
A bit random.
No connections whatsoever.
But whatever.
Im gonna sleep now.
hope ur day wuz better than mine.
Nightz, everyone~!!
tranquility ; 12/13/2005 02:23:00 pm.
31.12.05
juz came back from the watch night service, n it wuz a new experience for me. I have to confess, it wuz boring for me at one point, becoz all we did wuz prayers, n i didnt know wad we were prayin for.
Coz before that, i had no idea wad's a watch night service. I thought it wuz lyk normal service with sermons etc. Plus today's the last day of yr 2005, so i thought there might be some countdown element of fun in the "service".
oh well.
learnt something new today.
During the service, i felt depressed at one moment, coz i realised that my life after baptism hasnt changed much. In fact, i sometime forget im already baptised, so im lyk officially a Child of God.
And there i wuz, lettin my mind wander while everyone prayed. I really did try to pray with them, but becoz i didnt know the probs of the church specifically, i couldn't pray with sincerity n in details.
I mean, we prayed once for the old folks, but i dunno them personally, so im not sure of the probs they face, so i cant pray really well for them.
I swear im not being unfaithful to the church or anything. It's juz that it's hard for me to focus in my prayer on sth that is not closely related to me.
As in, even if i pray, lyk say the words "Dear Father in Heaven, pls help XXX to have faith etc etc..." im not sure if im being sincere or juz merely sayin the wordz.
You understand what im saying?
Lyk i look at those who r prayin, n wonder if they're really prayin. What goes through their minds? I mean, how can you keep your mind on a situation that doesnt concern you personally? Do they seriously worry abt all the situations on the screen, or do they juz say the words while prayin?
Oh man.
I don't think anyone gets what im tryin to say.
Point is, i don't think im a real Christian yet =( n there're still a lot of things i dunno. It's seriously sad and im gonna do sth abt it. But pastor louise once told me that not knowing everything doesnt determine my maturity as a Christian, it's the desire to know that matters.
Well, i feel lyk i wanna know everything abt God, n being Christian, so i'll really pray tonight that He will answers all my doubts n queries in due time.
Tomorrow is the election, n lyk i told sixuan, im really quite nervous. Coz im someone who likes to have some responsibility n get involved, so i'll honestly like a place in the committee. But then again, lyk i said, i dunno a lot of things, so maybe the yfers wun trust me that much.
There is another stupid n cowardly reason why i wanna be in the committee. It's becoz i still dun feel truly accepted into yf. As in, i know i have minnie n sixuan (who r genuinely sweet), but besides them, i dunno if the rest consider me as one of them now.
But if i get a place in the committee, it'll give me assurance that im at least truly involved in yf now, n im NOT juz a nobody in the church.
Sighz.
But sixuan made a good point.
If there r better candidates than me to be in the committee, so be it. There r other ways i can serve God :)
Thanks, sixuan. That really made me feel better ^ ^
Alright then, enough with this.
Moving on...
I was talkin to mum juz now, coz i suddenly realised that i've got the best parents in the world. No, really.
Perhaps it's coz i made some observation abt my frens' parents n decided im really lucky.
First of all, my parents trust me heaps. They allow me to go out, as long as i explain where im goin, they give me enough money to eat n have fun, n they dun keep calling or bugging me when im outside.
They REALLY trust me.
Of coz, i return their trust by calling them whenever i'll be out late, juz to reassure them im alright n not doin anything bad. I think they appreciate this n im juz really glad this trust thing can work both wayz.
Secondly, they care abt my future n wad kindda of person i'll become when i grow up. I never realised till now, that every time they nag or give me a lecture, it's becoz they wanna teach me sth abt life n if i juz listen carefully n learn, i'll become a much better person.
They teach me abt being organised (to increase workin efficiency), personal hygiene (in case i have room mates in future), cookin (so i can survive overseas in future), watchin my tongue (so i dun embarrass anyone in public) etc etc...
I get irritated sometimes (my dad's genes, i suppose), but whenever i chill down n think abt it, im thankful that they're already shapin up my character at this stage.
They're seriously responsible parents.
And my mum told me juz now that raising kidz with love isn't abt tying them to urself. It's abt lettin them walk by themselves, then grabbing hold of them when they're going to fall. Or when they do fall, help them pick themselves up.
If parents hold on to their kidz like kites without the string, the kidz will never learn.
This isnt called love.
It's erm something else.
She said a professor once mentioned at a talk abt parenting that parents should learn to be friends with their children.
I feel really proud that i can talk to my parents abt ANYTHING.
Im even startin to talk abt bgr with my dad now.
No, i dont mean he allows me to have a bf, but we're discussing things like, wad is true love? why izzit that youngsters nowadayz break up so easily? how izzit that my daddy n mummy can remain so loving for so many years? wad kind of guy should i look out for in future?
Etc etc.
It's quite cool actually.
Sometimes listening to a grown up's point of view can be very interesting.
Of coz, there will be a generation gap. There alwayz will be. If there isnt, they wont be called our parents, coz they're older than us. But that doesnt mean the gap alwayz have to get between us.
Communication, i believe, can alwayz bridge things up.
So, anyway, it's NEW YEAR now.
And we're all hugging n jumpin around =)
Have a joyous n fun filled year 2006, everyone!!
tranquility ; 12/31/2005 11:59:00 pm.
when i saw you standing there outside the church doors, a dazzling smile of bliss on your face, i finally understood what is happiness...
I attended my piano tchr's wedding today ^_^ it wuz so awesome. my first ever traditional church wedding!!
the flower girl was adorable n the next girl, who had the rings on a white heart shaped cushion, was even cuter *screams* KAWAII DES KA!! They walked VERY slowly down the aisle, then everyone wuz lyk SNAP SNAP SNAPping away.
Us three sisters were thrilled too. Especially when the music started playin and Miss Chia walked down the aisle, linkin arms with her dad. Ooh. Her smile was so real and you could so tell she's elated to be marrying at last, after SEVEN long years of bgr.
Oh gosh.
But that's becoz she wanted to wait till her catholic bf has truly converted into a christian before narrying. Aww man. Such a faithful christian.
Anyway, though im not lyk seriously close to my piano tchr, i was still very happy for her. I mean, it's juz so touching, especially when i saw her beamin at her guests as she walked down the aisle.
Then Jamie asked, "Haha, do you feel like getting married ?"
I said yes.
SERIOUSLY.
No wonder Love Conciege makes weddings out to be such serious business.
It's really no easy feat.
And it's a truly precious moment for the couple.
I admit, the real thing is not as drama n lovely as on tv (i.e dramatic music n last minute objections or burst in), but it's still very sweet.
But the pastor said sth true.
A wedding lasts for only 45 mins, but a marriage lasts FOREVER.
"...till death do us part."
That's the last sentence of the vow.
Gosh gosh gosh!!
How do i describe the atmosphere?!
Those of you who have attended such weddings before, you'll understand. It really makes a girl feel like being UP THERE with the guy of her dreams. Or at least for me, i feel that way.
:)
Haha but that'll have to wait.
I've still got next yr to chiong.
Then A level.
Oh well.
No one said i cant fantasise now!
So anyway, after the wedding, the family went for golf practise. And i must say, IT'S AN EXCRUXIATING GAME!!! honestly, it takes a lot of PATIENCE.
Each time i practise, i never get it right.
There are juz so many things to rmb, n i tried observing others, but i still dont understand wad im doin wrong. There was a point of time during the practise when i got so damn frustrated, i juz smashed the club at the ball.
Oh, it flew off alright.
But it didnt go far.
Sigh.
It juz shows you still need technique to play well.
But i realised today my patience has grown. The first time i practised, i got so pissed off with everyhting, i threw down the club several times and started cursing. But today, i held my temper n tears all the way till im done with all the balls.
I was boiling inside of coz. I really felt like screaming n kicking n makin a hell lot of noise. But i pushed it all down.
Nevertheless, i had a tiny outburst with dad becoz he wanted to go outside to have a snack but i wanted to buy a quick one at the cafe at the golf range. But pls, i was already lava hot inside coz of the practise. I need an excuse to shed an angry tear to make me feel better.
Even if it's a lame stupid excuse.
Note to self: Learn to control temper more effectively.
tranquility ; 12/31/2005 03:23:00 pm.
30.12.05
Young
AND Old
had a long msn chat with sixuan last night n i must say, i learnt quite a lot. i told her abt not being able to get along well with ppl my age, n she said maybe if i dun keep thinkin they're my age, i'll be able to get along well with them.
i thought that makes a lot of sense, becoz when i talk to ppl, i keep thinkin in my mind that he is my senior, or she is my junior. but when it comes to ppl my age, i juz have that mental block to talk to them. i suppose i should really stop thinkin liddat.
but i think what makes a person senior to me, is not his or her age, rather, it is the mature way he or she thinks n the experience they have. It is the wisdom they have that makes it more comfortable for me to talk to them and the good advise they can give me.
Lyk i talked to michelle last night too, n she said i feel that yf is the best thing that ever happened to me becoz i only meet them once a week, n perhaps during the annual camp, so i cannot see the flaws that they have. So that's why i prefer them to my school frens.
This is something i never thought of, and now reflecting on it, it's very true. Im sure if i spent everyday with the yf, common conflicts would pop up too, juz lyk in school.
If someone who is, say, 4 yrs older than me, but behaves like a child n has completely no sense of direction in life, not to mention totally NOT sensible, i must say, i cant see him as my senior.
In other words, anyone whose thinkin is more mature than me, and has more experience in life, is my senior, and anyone who needs help n advise from me is my junior. Other than that, everyone else is my age.
Im not sure if this makes sense to you, but it's how i feel.
Perhaps i cant get along very well with ppl my age becoz there's nothing much we can talk abt.
Lyk if i talk to a senior, i can ask him/her for advise when i need to adapt to new changes or ask qns abt growing up. And when im talkin to a junior, i can tell him/her my life experiences n share with her some of the probs i once encountered, similar to his/hers.
But wad to talk abt with someone my age? Someone sharing the same probs as me, someone who cant give me advise on solving those probs? Of coz, when i meet someone with common interest as me, we have loads to talk abt, especially if our lives r somewhat similar.
Take lynn for example (the girl who went to carolling practise with me). We talk abt anything, n i think it's mostly becoz she's more mature n she thinks widely. We both have our own faults, but becoz of the similarities we share, conflicts seldom arise. Plus, lynn has high tolerance level n is a really forgiving girl.
But frens lyk her are hard to come, so i find myself mostly talkin to seniors/juniors. I like swapping life stories n talkin abt things that make you think. One of my good frens in NY once said to me, "Jianni ah, you don't know how to crap!"
It's true, i suppose. I cant bring myself to ask pointless qns or qns with very obvious answers. If i do, it's either out of genuine curiosity, or im feelin wacky.
I admit, not being able to crap does cramp my social circle a little, becoz with the ability to crap, that good fren of mine is able to make frens just like that *SNAP* But i believe in makin real frens who can share secrets n probs with each other.
Crappin helps us to make frens, but r they real, long lasting frens? I make frens based on interests or similarities, but that doesnt mean im not friendly. I can be frens with everyone, but good close frens?
Limited.
Call me fussy, but i'll rather have a few close-to-heart frens, than a humongous circle of frens, amongst which none of them have a deep friendship with me.
Hmm ok.
TIME OUT.
Lemme think.
How did i end up talkin abt makin frens?
Wait wait wait...
Ummhmm...
DING *lightbulb lights up*
Senior n junior right?
So back to Point One.
I personally dont see this as a prob (not being able to get along well with ppl my age), becoz i believe if im made to be frens with someone, we will be. If i cant get along that well with most ppl in my age grp -shrugs- what can i do?
I will try, but i will not change the way God made me.
There are those who can only get along well with juniors, n those who only like seniors. For me, im juz a minority who likes both grps of ppl, but cant walk hand in hand with my age grp.
Oh well.
Maybe one day i'll be able to see the world through the eyes of my age grp ppl. Then i'll know what they're thinkin.
But for now, im juz happy being around the lil n older ones.
:)
tranquility ; 12/30/2005 02:20:00 pm.
29.12.05
To Sixuan:
it's really all about what you choose to believe and how you want to think...
My first experience of enrivonmental change was p4. Halfway through the year, i was transferred from a co-ed school, Qifa, to an all girlz school, CHIJ (bukit timah). The culture there was very different but becoz i wuz still young, i adapted pretty well.
Due to the fact that i sat next to the class monitress, i made a lot of frens easily n within half a year, i climbed from the 20th position of the worst class (in Qifa), to 1st in the second best class (in IJ).
It was the happiest period of my life n for once, i had true frens who liked me for who i was.
But then i went to EM1, n only 4 other from my class went with me. It wasn't a pleasant time for me, becoz those in my EM1 class were originally already good frens. Those who went with me from my p4 class weren't even my close frens.
Yet, the Lord saw all these.
He directed me to a group of frens who eventually walked through the next 2 yrs with me (one of them remained my closest primary school fren till today), n later in my p5 year, i met another group of frens.
This group was quite neglected in the class.
One was quiet n silently hardworking, the other was blur n often teased by students, the last was what they called childish and had fantasty disney dreams.
I befriended this group and together, we had a lot of fun during our school dayz. I remember before PSLE, we made a pact to go to the same school, of coz eventually, only two of them went into SCGS, the rest split up.
When i entered NY, only one girl from my p.sch went with me, n she wasnt my close frens either. I thought this would be a great chance for us to become good frens.
I learnt how wrong i was.
She was a typical cute n sweet girl, who made frens with the popular ones quite easily. I, on the other hand, was less prone to attracting attention, so i made frens with those who were quieter n less "loud".
The Lord saw my troubles once again n led me into the lives of one particular group of frens.
There were five of us altogether, one different from another and unique in our own ways. We fought n we quarrelled, but there were happy moments too.
Once, becoz of the issue of popularity, one of us nearly left, but eventually, we stuck together till the end of sec 2.
That was when everything changed again.
Yvonne, the brains, transferred to RGS.
Danxun, the mature n love expert, migrated to New Jersey.
And the remaining three were streamed into 3 different classes.
Things got worse when i found out none of my close sec 2 frens were in my sec 3 class.
I was all alone.
The first month of this yr was unbearably painful for me.
I cried nearly every day n became overwhelmingly depressed.
I kept shut during lessons n wrote songs whenever i had nothing to do. Everyone around me was slowly makin frens, but i remained silent.
At this point of time, i had completely forgotten abt my p.sch frens. We lost touch for a long time n led our seperate lives.
Perhaps out of lonliness, i started contacting all my old frens again n once again, we were frens. I was so desperate for frens i even resorted to makin frens online. Trouble brewed n it formed a vital part of my memory, one which taught me about life n brought me closer to God.
He could've stopped me if He wanted, but He let me make one mistake after another, finally, before i could plunge myself down the wrong path, He stepped in n took control of the situation.
Everything went right from then on n now, im finally living for myself, no longer worried abt my social life.
Then again, the problem is not completely solved.
In school, i still find myself wandering. I do have a few closer frens, but not to the extend we would talk abt anything n walk hand in hand. They have their own social life, n i have basically none in school.
If there's one thing im afraid of, it's being alone - spiritually or physically.
I went to a PSGL (Peer Support Group Leader) meeting this morning, n i was sitting alone in the corner of the Lecture Threatre. It didn't feel good, n i felt insignificant, not to mention sad.
My confidence level went low n i didn't speak or made much response during the meeting.
In the past, i had Danxun, now, i have no one.
It juz shows how impt frens can be when it comes to boosting your confidence n shaping up ur character.
I reflected during the metting.
And i realised that im leading different lives.
In church, i lead a cheerful n carefree life.
In school, im more quiet n easily depressed.
At home, im crazy beyond description n love hugging my sisters to death.
Im not sure if it's the same for everyone, but i decided that it's not possible for me to be satisfied with all my different lives.
Different environments call for different ways of behaviour.
I might not like the Jenny in school, especially the ppl around her, but i learn to take it eazy n rmb that i still have another life with God, with the yf.
And yet another life at Home.
Everyone has problem fitting in n being accepted, but sometimes, becoz we are all different, we can only adapt well to certain changes.
For me, i know i will never be able to fully adapt to NY. The behaviour of the girlz, the wayz of the teachers, the school system...
Yet there r girlz who absolutely love NY to pieces n would choose to stay there forever if they could. That's probably becoz of the frens they have there.
I know for me, i'll never fit in anywhere except at hcmc, n that's perfectly fine with me, becoz im made by Him such that i dun get along well with the majority, that's why in sch, or when i change environment, i make frens easily with ppl who r shunned or neglected by the majority of the class.
Haha to put it in a bad way, i easily become the outcast in a new environment, hated or gossiped by others behind.
But since i started in yf, i've learnt to be natural n more confident. So now when i feel lonely or have no frens in sch, instead of pitying myself n telling myself what a looser i am, i choose to think abt the yf, n the frens i have there.
There are a lot of hypocrites around me, especially in class, but instead of alwayz wonderin wad they're sayin abt me, i choose to look at them from the bright side, believing that i can change their bad impression by being sincere.
I watched Secondhand Lions juz now, n i learnt that it's all a matter of what you believe in.
God is there, whether you believe or not.
Your friends are talkin behind your back, but you can choose not to believe what they say.
The new environment freaks you out, but you can choose to believe you're happy n NOT pathetic.
Your siblings neglect you, but you can choose to believe they are juz busy n your generation gap is too big.
I know.
It's as good as lying to yourself.
But who says we cant believe in lies?
If it makes us feel better n does nothing to turn us against God, i don't see the problem.
I prefer to call it Thinking Positively.
It's not true that when you cant make frens so easily in a new environment, it means you're not so friendly n sociable. It probably juz means that you, as a person whom God has created, are not comfortable in that environment.
And it'll take a bit longer to fit it.
If we believe, and we have faith in our daily lives, it's not possible that EVERYTHING in our lives will go wrong.
Sure, one or two major things might happen, lyk homework or Changes, and we'll never be completely satisfied or happy.
HOWEVER, we must keep reminding ourselves of things that make us happy n thankful for. Things that are called Blessings.
It's never easy to smile in the face of problems, but becoz we are never really alone, we can do it.
There is bound to be at least one person on this earth who can make us feel better.
In my case, though i love the yf to pieces, i still havent found that special someone who can make life really different for me (i don't mean a bf, in case anyone got the wrong idea. im juz talkin abt a soul mate kindda person, lyk a fren. And we'll both be special to each other).
Still, i don't let Life get me down.
For now, i have the yf.
Their support, their friendship, their innocent wayz...
And that's all i ever ask for.
To the girl this entry is dedicated to, i hope i havent talked out of point (i usually do), but whateva the case is, i hope you will alwayz remember not to emphasis on your own problems in Life.
Don't repeat your sad story more than thrice maximum, becoz the more you say it, the more you're convincing yourself that your life is SAD.
You only need to tell it once to your family or closest siblings to gain comfort, once to the yf or closest frens to find support, and the last time to God, for guidance n advise.
Too many times will hurt.
Life is not really unfair n a complete thunderstorm unless we choose to think so.
Life can be pretty with sunshine and daisies too.
If we choose to believe.
It all depends on what we focus on.
So here's my advise to you:
When you blog abt something depressing, end it off with something cheerful n colourful that really makes you smile.
Becoz believe it or not, when ppl read ur sad entries, a small percentage of them is saying, "Hey look, life is sad afterall."
And then they start focusing on the sad things in their lives too.
And it all becomes a vicious cycle.
My point is, everyone, just STOP whining n complainin abt Life.
Take a deep breath, get some sleep, and reorganise your thinkin.
It's fine to grumble sometimes, i mean, that's what humans do. But when we overdo it, and get overly serious with our problems in Life, that's when depression settles in and we're spiritually n physically drained.
So, how about a big smile n altogether now:
HAPPY!! SHA LA LA LA~~ ^_^
EVERYBODY SHOULD BE HAPPY!! :)
SHA LA LA LA~!! =)
IT'S SO NICE TO BE HAPPY...!! *_*
SHA LA LA LA~!!
\^0^/
tranquility ; 12/29/2005 02:59:00 pm.
28.12.05
when loneliness swells up inside, nothing can subside it...
except that special someone...
im not sure if this is a normal feeling, n im not sure if i should post this on my blog, but i really need to spill it out.
since this yr, there has been this empty hole inside me, lyk something is missing from my life. and it's something that cannot be replaced by family or friends. it's like a need.
when im happy or really busy, i don't really sense this need. but when i calm down n lay in bed at night, i juz keep thinkin.
i wish this feelin will come to me later in life, becoz right now, i juz wanna focus on my studies, social life n family bonding.
i tried satisfying this need once, n the result was close to disastrous.
i cannot make the same mistake.
it's not the time now, n i understand.
but they alwayz say you cant control your feelings.
aren't christians supposed to have inner peace n feel contented all the time? why do i still feel this strong desire?
i can only keep ignoring it, keep pushing it to the back of my mind... hoping it'll stay faded until the day my parents think im ready to face it.
but isn't there an easier way to deal with this? i know that God has it all planned out for me, n it makes me feel much better, but occassionally, the pulsing desire juz comes back like a ghost.
anyone reading this, if you know what im talkin abt n you have similar experience or you have some comments, tag/email/sms me to let me know.
coz right now, i think only my social life can keep me going.
hmm... i really miss the yfers now.
cant wait to see you guyz.
really.
Confessions of the Sinful teenager:~~
~> forgive me, O Merciful Father, for being unsatisfied with your undying love.
~> pardon me for losing my temper with my daddy and sisters today.
~> and im sorry for being impatient with what you have arranged for me in Life.
~> and also being harsh to a good friend who has been by my side all the time.
~> im deeply regretful for many other wrong doings...
Lord, Forgive Me
in everything that i do, Lord...
help me to be persistent...
and do it with faith and courage...
remind me of my blessings so i learn to be contented...
grant me inner peace...
and open my eyes so i see the need of others...
guide and lead me in Life...
AMEN.
tranquility ; 12/28/2005 08:12:00 pm.
26.12.05
Watched Chronicles of Narnia 2day. It wuz incredible. C.S Lewis is a complete genius!! The whole story was so magical, wildly imaginative n juz unbelievable. Seriously. After the movie, i felt so dazed i couldn't think straight.
Lyk, how could the kidz juz stay in Narnia for so many years?? Until they're all grown up?! And juz suddenly, they stumble back into the real world n it becomes all like a dream? And they have no way back in? So Narnia is like, kingless n queenless there after??
So where exactly is the POINT of the whole fighting-the-snow-queen thing?
I discussed it with daddy on the way back, n we've decided that the whole Narnia experience was really all in the imagination of the four kidz. It could be real. No one will ever know. Point is, they were there, n everything felt real to them.
They survived. And they learnt.
They learnt about betrayer, the love of kinship, n most importantly, courage.
And the moral of the story seems to be revolving around the imagination of children. Sometimes we shouldn't be too absorbed in reality. We need to chill out at times n juz imagine.
It reminded me of the time when i wuz still a child. I used to imagine being captured by bad ppl and fighting to save myself. Then i'll pretend with barbie dolls, makin up stories n acting them out with the toys.
It all seemed real at that time, n sometimes, i could almost see everything happening in front of my eyes, as if i were watching a movie. After Jamie came, we started buildings "houses" out of blankets n chairs, pretending we were magical animals that could talk n we would visit each other n have adventures.
Then during my P6 year, i suddenly lost interest in pretending. At first i thought i wuz juz tired, but the excitement of imagining things never came back.
Now, that memory is fading away, n i can't imagine things as well as i could.
My very wise english teacher once said, the power of a child is that he could imagine, and that is one thing grown ups cannot do.
Suddenly, i feel upset again, becoz back when i could imagine stuff, my dayz were glorious, and i was never really truly sad.
But then i remember.
I can still imagine now, juz not in real life.
I can still fantasise n day dream, and sometimes they become so real i almost believe them.
I love lying in the bed for hrs, juz makin up a world called Kastilda, where dark and light magic were constantly at war. I made up this really lovely character called Jessie, who went to this world and the portal vanished, leavin her stranded there.
Then there was this guy called Jason, n they had amazing adventures together.
This is how i started writing my series of books called The Magicator.
The main character, Jessie, is real.
Or at least real in my mind.
Jessie is someone who has grown up with me since i was only seven.
She has changed personalities several times, but she was really the same deep down inside. She is everything i want to be, but cannot be.
I am not mentally retarded.
I swear.
I juz have a wilder imagination.
It never really went away.
Even after my childhood.
So to those who are proof reading my book now, i hope u're having fun in Kastilda, and for those who haven't read it, i hope you'll try it one day.
It is my imagination in reality.
So anyway, daddy and i were talkin.
And i mentioned abt missing my childhood. He agreed and said that in different phrases of our lives, we experience different things. We alwayz want to grow up faster when we're little, but when we get old, we wish time would slow down.
So the best solution is to juz simply treasure every day of your present life n make full use to it.
WARNING:
The below contents are some personal thoughts. Not meant to be taken too seriously by anyone.
Childhood, is about havin fun n being innocent.
Teenhood, is about building up our intellect for the future as well as shaping up our character to prepare ourselves for university. Of course, teenhood is also about havin a healthy n active social life, n working towards our dream.
Early adulthood, is about stepping into the real working society n possibly havin a family n thinkin abt the kidz's future.
Adulthood, is about preparing for the kidz' education n earning enough money to support the family n takin care of our parents.
Retirement, is about chilling out n reflecting on what has happened in our lives, enjoying what the world has to offer n to take up healthy activities to keep us going.
Life, is about being thankful for what we have been blessed with, doin everything with a smile to glorify Him, and simply preparing ourselves for the day when we'll meet him. All these achieved by reading the bible and constantly praying.
Hmm... ok.
Im done with my complicated reflections.
Phew.
This may sound a bit random, but...
I LOVE THE YFERS!!!
Minnie Sixuan Yilun Emily Tiffany Nichloas Grace Jun'an Michelle Zhixuan Alvin Jiaxin Pamela TY Rachel Kelvin Ming Yao AND MANY MANY MORE!!!
Oopz.
I juz suddenly thought of all of you n i juz feel so happy.
Everytime i go online, the first group of ppl i check for online is the "Church" group :)
Juz feel really blessed to know all of you.
Lookin forward to saturday =)
See ya at student centre!!
tranquility ; 12/26/2005 08:17:00 pm.
25.12.05
ohh long time no blog.
So much has happened over the past few dayz n i've been so touched by the Holy Spirit :) firstly n most importantly, there wuz the christmas eve carolling!
Some of the yf ppl formed a choir n we carolled around the estates near church. It was a new n wonderful experience for me, especially when i realised ppl actually bothered to stop n listen. Perhaps it's coz it's not everyday they meet ppl carolling, but then again, it made me realise it's juz possible that our singing that night MIGHT have triggered some feelings inside someone, n that might juz be enough to change his or her life.
Sometimes we juz need a sign from God or a tiny nudge from the Holy Spirit, then we'll find ourselves going in His direction. It could be possible that our carolling had caused someone to think abt Him.
With that in mind, i really sang with my heart n hoped that the choir's voice will reach into the hearts of the listeners. Some kidz were really warm n supportive, n we even took pics with them. They don't all speak english, yet they kept yelling, "Good, Good! Very good!" after we finished carolling.
It's amazing how they can still appreciate our songs of praise, even though we speak different languages n when i heard them cheering, it wuz as if it were a sign from God, that he too was happy with what we were doin.
Through the carolling, i got to know some members of yf better, n im grateful for the chance. After UB4, i've been hoping for another chance as such, n the night after carolling wuz awesome.
The girlz chatted waay past their bedtimes n we had supper (macdonald) at a very late hour.
I talked to someone for a long time n though i had to give up some precious sleep, i wuz thankful for the chance, becoz i learnt a lot from the conversation, regarding her life as well as those of other yfers.
Seems to me now that everyone leads 2 lives, some even more, n we all have many sides, basically sad n happy. It makes me feel better becoz sometimes i feel that i behave differently with different ppl. And now i know it's normal.
Christmas 2day has been fabulous.
Joyce was juz absolutely fascinated with her presents n convinced that all her wishes had come true :)
Though Jamie n I knew what presents we were getting, becoz we bought it for each other, we still had fun pretending to be surprised in front of Joyce. It was especially satisfying for us when we sneaked out the surprise prezzies for daddy n mummy.
A vibrating body massager for daddy (in the shape of a doggy), a bible book holder n snow globe for mummy ^ ^
Ohh jamie bought an archie comic for me as a surprise! Haha, THANKS JAMIE!!
Yulan:
Frankly, im quite certain what kind of person i want to become, but im not sure if i can do it. becoz the person i want to become when i grow up, is a rather complicated person. She is someone who does not envy nor feel jealous, never petty nor unkind, alwayz happy n friendly to everyone, brings hope or at least inpsires the ppl around her.
This person sounds almost perfect, which im sure is what everyone hopes to become. But there's no such thing as perfection, we all know.
I don't know how far i'm away from my goal, but im sure God can change us, and i juz pray (wheneva i think abt this) that He will change me into someone he wants me to be.
To me, the most important thing is (after family) my social life.
I cannot bear the thought of losing friends, or having ppl hate or dislike me. I know i cannot satisfy everyone, but as long as i have no problem at least communicating with everyone n workin with ppl, im happy.
tranquility ; 12/25/2005 07:55:00 pm.
21.12.05
i feel so glam n woman 2day.
oh man.
i bought my first ever pair of high heels ON IMPULSE. but i really lyk the glittery maple. it's so shiny n pretty~~ Then i wore ear rings that look lyk dreamweavers (which i totally adore), n this ancient looking necklace that i've not worn for AGES.
I swear im usually not so bimbotic.
I dunno wad came over me 2day.
Probably coz im goin orchard.
Wadeva.
It felt good.
Dressing up, i mean.
Lyk, come on, how many times do we actually get to wear nicely? I think girlz shld dress up once in a while to gain some confidence. becoz sometimes, we're so busy we dun take care of our outer appearance, then we think we're ugly n fat etc. but when we dress, we see that actually we're not so bad.
let's not talk abt those who dress up all the time.
So im actually feelin really happy now, coz juz came back from carollin practise n everything's been so fun! i mean, yea i didn't get that hug from sixuan, but it's still great to see everyone again :)
Though there are quite few ppl 2day, we did our individual best to keep spirits up. And im glad my fren, lynn, could nevertheless see the cheerful spirit of hcmc yf despite the numbers.
I cant rmb wad she said abt yf, but im sure she thinks everyone' s really friendly, not to mention SOME ppl who r lyk being totally OVER FRIENDLY.
HAHA!
So out of point lah, these ppl.
Pressurise my dear fren...
No lah, seriously, im grateful to ppl lyk SIXUAN & MINNIE for makin lynn feel so welcomed n homey =) i wuz kindda worried she'd feel left out.
Anywayz, i realised also that havin frens makes me smiley too. As in, when i think abt how nicely everyone treats me, i juz feel so LOVED.
Of coz in sch it's a different thing, coz u nv know if they're treating u nicely n with SINCERITY, or izzit juz an act of hypocrisy.
Sighx... i alwayz get stressed juz thinkin abt NY galz.
They can be sooo complicated sometimes.
Oh well.
As long as i have the yf behind me, i'll be happy every day *grins*
Ohh on the way home juz now, jamie said sth that made me quite sad.
She said she didn't think daddy was goin to buy her a handphone, n i can really see she's quite saddened. I know she really really really wants a handphone, n it's seriously necessary for her, but daddy might not know.
I've tried talking to him, but i understand he has a lot of family burdens already, n i dun want him to feel pressurised by jamie's need of a handphone. I told her i could share mine with her, lyk we split the wk n use the handphone, but she said forget it.
I juz feel v.sorry for jamie.
She tried her best for psle, n it's not her fault she cannot score 3 marks for higher chinese or get into NY.
I think as long as she has tried her best, she ought to be rewarded for her effort.
ARRGHH.
If only im old enough to work.
Then i'll be able to earn enough money to buy her a handphone for a christmas surprise. I feel so disappointed in myself. She oreadi bought me a surprise christmas prezzie n i've got her nth.
Boo.
Ohh.
I want an older brother.
Still lookin for one.
Haha actually i have a lot of older brothers liaox.
There's a handful of them at hcmc yf.
A bunch of deranged monkeys.
:D
Thanks everyone~!!
tranquility ; 12/21/2005 11:34:00 pm.
20.12.05
Juz finished writing xmas cards to my classmates n frens. oh man. hand aching!! n my tongue tastes weird from all that licking the glue stuff on the envelope. bleagh.
haha anyway, it wuz all good fun n in the spirit of xmas.
jamie n i have wrapped up all the presents on our lists n we're juz waitin for the big day now. i feel really poor this xmas, coz i splurged quite a lot last mth when i went out with frens. so i cant get jamie much for xmas. she dun seem to mind, n i know she's gettin some surprise prezzies for me.
N that juz makes it doubly bad for me!!
Boo...
Maybe i could do more chores around the house and dad'll give me some pocket money. But jamie is already doin all the work to earn that extra few bucks.
Sighx...
I've still got 23 more cards to write to the yfers, n my To Do list is no where near completion. This is so tiring n frustrating, but as long as the holidays are not over, i still have time to do them, so i wun stress myself.
Hmm... the manuscript is shaping up n im juz finished up the cover page design. Hope can rush out everything before Christmas.
Ohhh im soo lookin forward to carolling.
It's gonna be my first ever, n im sure it'll be fun.
Trying to read the baptism manual currently, a bit tough for me, coz language quite cheem, but i'll keep trying.
Oh n erm, if anyone has the time, pls give me a full recount of what happened last sun (the voting, i believe), coz although sixuan has been kind enough to tell me what happened, it's still not detailed enough for me.
lyk, wad happened the min u stepped into the humanities room... who said what, who did what, how did the voting start n proceed... coz i've never been to a proper election with names being proposed n seconded, so i'll lyk to know.
I feel really crummy for missing yf last sunday, n if i have a detailed recount, i can perhaps paint the voting session in my mind. then i wun feel so bad abt missing it.
Anyway, i wuz thinkin abt this whole blog thing.
Wad's the real purpose of it anyway?
For me, it's a form of keepin in touch with frens, letting them know how's my life goin thru my entires. But then again, how many ppl actually take time off to go blog surfing? They do, im sure, but technology is so advanced now, if i wanted someone to know abt my life, i'd call her.
Blog is also a way of gettin to know each other better. Through our entries, we can note the tone n behaviour of each other as we recount our day's happening. But this brings me back to point one, not many ppl actually have so much time to understand their frens better through their blogs.
And this whole "no time" thing actually caused me, as a blogger, to have one thought: Why should i blog?
I know there r ppl who read my blog, but not enough to encourage me to write, becoz that's the purpose of a blog, to let ppl read.
Yet there r enough ppl who r reading this to stop me from writing anything way too personal. Or thoughts that r hidden deep inside me.
So at the end of the day, wad exactly is the purpose of a blog?
An online diary which u can write anything u want?
If u do, u may be accused of racism, or u might hurt someone's feelings, or u could offend another. You cant juz write without thinkin on a blog.
Is blog a narrative form of diary, where u juz recount what happened to u in a day?
If so, r ppl really interested in wad happened to u in sch or at home? Wouldn't they be more concerned abt their own lives?
Or really, is blog a place for ppl to whine n complain, post their probs n let ppl tag their words of comfort n advises?
This seems by far, to me, the most sensible purpose of a blog. It takes too much time juz callin up frens n keep repeating the whole sad story, juz to hear what they have to say n feel comforted.
But what abt ppl who lead happy sunshine lives n have no complains? I don't think they have a need for blogs, then. So does this mean only sad n grumpy ppl have blogs?
Of coz, happy ppl can have blogs too. Their blogs will most probably be full of smileys n love, inspiring everyone to be cheerful n take a positive attitude towards life.
Again, i don't think ppl actually read a blog purposefully juz to find inspiration or be happy.
In fact, i wonder now: Why do ppl read blogs?
In my case, i dun read unless they tell me to, or when i feel that someone is troubled n i want to know more abt her problem. OR i have some frens whom i dun meet often n i wanna understand what's goin on in their lives.
What abt you? Do u read blogs for a purpose? And why do u blog?
Post at the tagboard n tell me kz, coz this topic is quite interesting for me.
Anyway, personally, i have nothing against blogging. I wuz juz thinkin abt it n the above was what i came up with.
Im on a neutral stand here, so pls feel free to tag ur opinions.
^ ^
tranquility ; 12/20/2005 06:23:00 pm.
19.12.05
Yippee.
Back from m'sia ^ ^
The trip wuz short but wild.
3 families went n there were altogether 13 ppl. Not an unlucky number i would consider, it wuz probably gd, but it could get better if there were 12 instead.
See, there wuz this girl (she's not in the picture), 5 yrs old, who is really spoilt n a total brat. Oh dun get me wrong. She looks angel sweet n all that, lyk any typical round eyed child, but deep down inside, she's as scheming as a baby fox.
Um. That doesn't sound right.
Never mind.
Point is, she totally loves sucking up to the older ones, n pitting herself against the toddler in the pic. See, the toddler has elder twin sisters, aged 13, n this angel girl juz enjoys makin the toddler feel all crummy n lousy that someone else has gotten her older sisters.
It's not lyk she doesn't have her own elder sis, she juz didn't come.
But angel girl juz had to budge into every family photo besides her own, n make herself look lyk a complete extra.
There wuz once when we were havin dinner at a restaurant, n she wuz being naughty n played with the toothpicks. Accidentally, she emptied the whole bottle onto the floor n there wuz a huge mess.
Joyce n the toddler instantly leapt back n started pickin up the toothpicks.
Angel girl?
She went cowering behind her parents, fearfully eyeing every waiter/waitress as they passed, afraid of getting scolded. Then finally one waiter came up to our table n saw the Joyce n the toddler picking up the toothpicks.
Of course, to him, it seemed obvious who'd spilled the toothpicks.
But, duh, gimme a break.
It wasn't the two of them!
Oh, they didn't get scolded, but it wuz still irritatin for me as an older sis to see my younger sis get a bad impression from a stranger, even though she did nothing wrong.
N angel girl says really hurting stuff which she really meant.
Lyk pointing out someone's faceful of horrible pimples or leg hair etc.
It's juz sooo frustrating to be around her.
Her parents r seriously nice n sweet tempered, that's probably why they cant bear to scold her etc. So she turned out to be a selfish, irresponsible, spoilt, irritating little angel.
The whole incident made me think.
Can we really excuse kidz such as angel girl juz becoz they are, well, kidz?
Can being "a child" be used as an excuse for such disgusting behaviour?
Should we be kind n sweet to them even though they totally turn off ppl with their spoilt ways?
Shouldn't we, lyk, gently try to remind them of their manners n stuff? Even though we're not their parents?
I dun understand how parents can allow their kidz to turn out lyk this.
Maybe they don't know.
I know, it sounds lyk im being really mean n stuff, but truth is, i totally cant bring myself to be nice to someone lyk her.
Im usually really happy around kids, n i dun mind being teased or being played around with, but not when they take it for granted n r total stinkin brats that r not worth the effort.
I kept my promise to her n bought her a lolly, but it wuz really becoz she insisted on it.
-Shrugs-
Kidz.
What can u do?
We've juz got to be nice to them, haven't we?
Most kidz r juz so full of beans n totally innocent n cute, but so NOT lyk angel brat. Seriously. She's the first.
Urgghhh.
I think i so totally sinned against the Lord by speakin bad behind her back.
I spoke so badly about her, im beginning to think im a devil.
I would've ruined my reputation as a nice, kind older sister.
CRAP!
Why can't i juz give the poor kid a chance?
What came over me?!?
I swear im usually not lyk that.
I juz never met such an obnoxious kid.
Oh here's an enlarged pic of her with Joyce:
Who would believe she's such a...
Oh never mind.
Forget it.
It's over anyway.
Lord, forgive me.
Sighx... at least i didn't show my dislike for her, i tried my best to be nice to her.
Over the past 3 dayz, i learnt a very impt lesson - no, it's not abt angel brat - a family holiday often serves the purpose of bonding everyone n helps us to know each other better.
Lyk through this trip to malaysia, i realised that Joyce can actually get really high n idiot when Jamie n I get her into the right mood.
N that's when things go totally wrong.
She'll completely lose herself n start doin things that blow me up.
Lyk being disrespectful n calling me names, screaming at the wrong time, roll her eyes n totally kill me...
Arrghh.
Oh well.
It's kindda lyk a side effect of hers when she gets high.
Can't help it.
Jamie n I got soo crazy during the long drive that we totally forced the wild side of Joyce out.
We imitated well known commercials by changing the product they advertise to something silly; did raps in stupid slangs; sang songs by direct translation; re-invented the famous lines of actors/actresses e.g. Mei Ren Yuuuu. etc etc.
It lasted for only, lyk, 15 mins?
But it was my craziest moment since i wuz born.
Then on the last night, before we came back to s'pore, Jamie n I led the other girlz into craziness too. Oooh i think we created quite a racket in the restaurant.
Oh, i also realised that Jamie actually cares a lot a lot a lot A LOT for me.
*grins*
Really.
After we spent the whole day in the water theme park at our resort, i wuz feelin kindda weak n feverish, she wuz so worried she kept askin if i were alright.
Aw... so sweet...
Im totally touched.
I put on a big smiley face n told her i wuz fine.
But i really wuz feelin fine, after knowing how much she cared.
N mummy, through the trip, i discovered that she can get flustered quite easily. Lyk, really flustered.
Her fingers can turn to jelly n her mind would be totally messed up n she wouldn't be able to think straight.
I alwayz thought my mum wuz the cool n composed type.
But the trip proved me wrong.
While she wuz driving, she made a few small mistakes n she totally shrieked n made a everyone jumpy, thinkin something major had happened.
MUM!
You've got to learn how to be cool in times of trouble!
But i really think she did a good job.
Everyone else thought so.
Even daddy.
Speakin of daddy, the trip made me feel quite sad.
He wuz tryin to take some pics for us when we were sittin on the boat for a ride called Grand Canyon Rapids, but the boat gave a sudden jerk n he slid off his seat n bumped his back on the side of the boat.
He laughed it off n we all thought he wuz fine... until dinner time.
He didn't come out for dinner n we were told later there was a dreadful pain in his back.
He couldn't walk properly after that n had probs even sittin n standing up.
That wuz how mummy came to be the driver.
As i watched daddy limp his way around, it suddenly struck me how much he had aged over the yrs n i suddenly had a vision of him as an old man.
Oh man.
I really wanted to cry.
I juz felt so upset.
He told me jokingly that he didn't want to be paralysed yet, becoz he still have a lot of family burdens to take care of. And there were still a lot of things he want to do, lyk get his dream house n play golf with us.
I dun want him to be paralysed either....!!
I wuz so worried sick that i smsed minnie n asked her to tell yf to pray for my dad.
He has done a lot for the family, n has a lot more to do.
I dun want to grow up yet, but i have to, becoz i want to take care of my parents.
I dun want them to work so hard now, but they have to, becoz they want to take care of us.
The least I can do now as the oldest child is take good care of the younger ones n try to help out more around the house.
It takes patience n time to do that, but i'll have to make it a habit.
Beocz i never know what's gonna happen tomorrow.
And if one day, sth really happens to someone in the family, i'll live with regret forever.
That's how i go about treating everyone in my life.
I treat them as though i'll never see them again.
It's not a curse.
It's a way of reminding myself how precious n unpredictable life is.
And we dunno what's gonna happen the next minute.
I dun want regrets in my life.
Especially to my family.
So here's a reminder to everyone reading this:
You never know if you'll lose someone the next minute, and if you ever get really angry with someone n feel lyk doin something mean to him/her, ask yourself, "What if i never see him/her again?"
The question helps me to keep my temper under control.
It might work for you too.
PICTURES~!!!
Sunway Lagoon Resort lobby
family photo outside hotel ^ ^ girlz wet after ride...!
girlz in the house :)
playing kangaroo :P
*sisters*in*christ*
TO SIXUAN:
Thanks for alwayz being here for me and don't stress over being new kz? Im juz as new as you in yf n u're never alone. You're actually a very friendly n sociable girl, try to open up n make as much frens as possible in ur new cca. I had the same problem as you when i transferred the start of this yr, but things got better with new friends. At first i wuz so stressed i cried every time during cca for the first wk. It's all a matter of time.
And when u feel so depressed n upset with life, dun think of cryin as the first solution. Count ur blessings n think of someone who is in a worse situation than you, then try n help him/her. It makes u feel more fortunate n less sian with life. If it doesn't help, you could alwayz arrange to go out with some frens (lyk minnie n me ^ ^) n have a gd talk or laugh it off. If no time, a phone call will do.
But sometimes, i understand nothing really helps, n at this point of time, a good cry will help. After that, give urself a shake n remind urself that ur frens in church will alwayz be there for u, n u'll alwayz find comfort n advise here.
All ur probs abt being new, sch probs etc are juz what i'd call "short term probs". These r probs that will can be solved sooner or later, n through these probs, u discover who r ur real frens n ur faith in God grows stronger. Don't let these "short term probs" get u down, becoz it's juz part of the devil's plot to make u spiritually tired n mentally worn out. It is the "long term probs" you should be worried abt, lyk being a living testimonial to God n frequently goin back to his Words for enlightenment. If u r constantly takin care of ur "long term probs", the short term ones will naturally be solved n u'll see that at the end of the day, everything will be fine.
Continue smiling n i really hope to see u in church for a long long time :)
tranquility ; 12/19/2005 01:06:00 pm.
14.12.05
Everything went smoothly today during video editing. Though there were a few minor technical probs, i managed to finish editing everything n send it to my own account so i can add in the music at home :)
Praise the Lord~!!
Anyway, spent abt 2.5 hrs in comp lab, then went home for lunch n finally off to my ex-piano tchr's hse. Her two kidz r really adorable, the older one bossy n a typical boy (competitive n unwilling to lose), the younger one seriously into Barbie n Power Rangers.
I know!!
It's such a cute combination!!
*screams*
He loves Barbie's hair n clothes, but enjoys fighting lyk the Power Rangers. That's juz sooo RARE! I wonder how he'll grow up to be like. But his older brother, Gavin, keeps teasing him for lykin Barbie n the pink colour.
Poor gareth kept defending himself.
Oooh. So cutie cutie!!
We played some pretty childish games lyk Tables n Chairs (where we're supposed to stack up mini tables n chairs, sth lyk uno stacko), but i kindda liked it, coz i haven been around kidz for some time.
Then i took them all down to the playground n that's when sth happened.
As i wuz the oldest, it's obvious im meant to take care of 3 yr old Gareth, but i lost focus for one split second n he went toddling towards the swings.
WHAM.
Jamie, who was on the swing at that time, slammed into him n he went spinning on the ground. Ok, it wasnt that bad, he wasnt hurt at all, but still, i felt awfully bad.
The poor kid burst out cryin n to my surprise, he made a beeline for his older bro, throwing his arms around Gavin's waist n sobbing.
That scene really touched me.
Gavin often smacked Gareth n left him out of games, makin him cry n stuff, but now, when he felt hurt, the first person little brother thinks of is his big brother.
Like, love totally surpasses everything else.
I geniunely felt i've done Gareth wrong, but after a min, he wuz beaming n high fiving with me again. That's when i realised something else.
Little kidz r totally full of beans n downright innocent.
To them, they r blameless, n in their eyes, everyone is faultless.
They may feel the pain n cry, but they absolutely cannot find it in their hearts to blame anyone. They juz accept what has happened to them n forget abt it quickly.
Some ppl, as they grow out of their childhood, they still retain this special character - innocence n forgiveness.
But sad to say, most ppl lose it.
If our hearts r broken in a relationship, we fault somebody.
If we lose sth, we blame.
If we trip over someone, we curse.
If our parents restrict us, we grumble.
How many times a day do we say, "It's all XXX's fault!" or "It's not my fault!!"
How often do we remark, "I hate XXX!"
These r wordz that will never come out of the mouth of a kid.
Im talkin abt really young kidz, lyk, nearly toddlers.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes, i feel that i lyk little kidz better than ppl of my age. Sometimes, i lyk the little ones more than myself.
The grown up world n complicated society has completely changed our natural forms. We grow up n get influenced by the scheming world, where it's "The Survival of The Fittest". Thus we often kill each other in order to grow stronger, abandoning our conscience n shedding our child-like innocence.
We cannot afford to "lose out" to others or fade out among our peers. We have to follow up with the lastest trends in order to look "in the crowd". These are all part of fighting for our own survival.
I think i might've stretched the topic a little too far, but what im saying is, the poisoned insides of some ppl around me really disgust me. The way they behave n the way they talk makes me wonder how they were as little kidz.
Perhaps it's good for all of us to take some time off to play around with toddlers.
Their innocence n simplicity will stun you.
And you will see how complex the adult minds are.
Oh, there's another thing i've been thinkin abt.
It's really becoz of the sermon last sunday.
Sth Pastor Li said made me think.
Why am i chosen to be a Christian?
He's chosen me to serve him, but im not sure in what area.
What is my purpose as His child?
I dun think im capable of spreadin the Word yet,
so what exactly am i meant to do?
I cant juz sit back n sing holy hymns all the time.
Yf ppl, if anyone reading this n have comments, pls tag kz?
Coz it's sth that's been bothering me for quite some time now.
Anywayz, really drained now...
still have golf lesson tmr morning n piano lesson in the aftnn.
Pleasant dreamz everyone~!!
tranquility ; 12/14/2005 11:03:00 pm.
13.12.05
Ohhh.
stress stress stress...!!!
i haven felt soo busy for AGES.
it started today, when i went to sch to download the video for my china immersion trip. I wuz in charge of editing it n burning a copy for the sch. HOWEVER...
I spent the whole day in sch, n STILL did not manage to finish the editing.
By 4pm (i went to sch at 9am), i had only just managed to finish downloading everything. And the lab would be closing in an hr. So i had no time to do the editing. Eventually i decided to burn everything into a CD n edit at home. HOWEVER...
I split the downloading process into 2 parts, becoz i went out for lunch around 12. I managed to burn the first part into the CD, BUT for the second part, i couldn't burn at all. Probably becoz of the CD, nevertheless, i wuz stuck with no ideas.
How wuz i goin to bring home everything for editing?!?
I tried using Yousendit, compiling everything into zip form, burning again n again... nothing worked eventually. I waited sooo long for the cursed Yousendit that finally, i had to give up becoz the lab wuz closing.
Trust me, i prayed.
It wuz useless.
At that point, i really questioned God. All my faith in him seemed to be put to the test once again. All that spiritual connection with him during UB4 evaporated n i began wondering.
I felt so close to him during quiet times n bible study, or even when im with my friends. Yet when real life situations need His help, it doesn't seem to do any good.
I juz cant pray that the computer works n bingo, it'll work.
It juz doesn't work lyk that.
I wuz stressed beyond description.
I had spent the ENTIRE day in sch, slaving in the chilly comp lab, n it all comes down to NOTHING. All becoz the stupid comp wouldn't burn my data.
#@*!#!!#
So now i have to go back to sch early in the morning at 9am tmr to do the editing part. coz i've got to visit my ex-piano tchr in the afternn.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming the Lord. I juz wonder what good is spiritual peace when ur real life probs juz doesnt seem to get solved. Or when everything goes wrong in the day.
Oh wait.
Something went right: I managed to get home before it rained.
Big deal.
Sighx...
WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH ME?!?
i cant believe im actually doubting Him.
Yulan, i think i need another counselling session =(
it's been so long since i experienced things goin wrong in my day. I juz need someone or something to blame it all on. But maybe it's not anyone's fault. It juz happened for a reason.
A reason not meant to be comprehended by my shallow human mind.
A reason that is so godly, a human like me would not understand.
Please.
I've heard that SO-O-O many times...
I really need a direct answer.
Whatever.
Im feelin incredibly crummy, lousy, grumpy n sweaty now (did 15mins hula hooping juz now). Shall talk abt sth nicer...
I wanna watch Perhaps Love.
Oooh it's soo dance-y n sing song-y, lyk a musical ^0^ n it's full of vibrancy n love. A bit abstract, i heard, but it's definitely a good quality show.
ANYONE WANNA WATCH?!
Oh that reminds me, have to save up for Christmas. Still haven buy prezzie for Jamie, Minnie, Sixuan, n chocs or sth for the yf.
Family n I goin out on... 23rd dec i think, to watch Chronicles of Narnia. Whoosh. So cool :D maybe this time we'll finally get to take a family neoprint!! Jamie n I have been dying for one.
Daddy's company alwayz provides tix for such movies at a much lower rate n we've watched Ocean's Twelve & Harry Potter 5 before as a family.
Yea, ok i know.
A bit random.
No connections whatsoever.
But whatever.
Im gonna sleep now.
hope ur day wuz better than mine.
Nightz, everyone~!!
tranquility ; 12/13/2005 02:23:00 pm.
