29.12.05
To Sixuan:
it's really all about what you choose to believe and how you want to think...
My first experience of enrivonmental change was p4. Halfway through the year, i was transferred from a co-ed school, Qifa, to an all girlz school, CHIJ (bukit timah). The culture there was very different but becoz i wuz still young, i adapted pretty well.
Due to the fact that i sat next to the class monitress, i made a lot of frens easily n within half a year, i climbed from the 20th position of the worst class (in Qifa), to 1st in the second best class (in IJ).
It was the happiest period of my life n for once, i had true frens who liked me for who i was.
But then i went to EM1, n only 4 other from my class went with me. It wasn't a pleasant time for me, becoz those in my EM1 class were originally already good frens. Those who went with me from my p4 class weren't even my close frens.
Yet, the Lord saw all these.
He directed me to a group of frens who eventually walked through the next 2 yrs with me (one of them remained my closest primary school fren till today), n later in my p5 year, i met another group of frens.
This group was quite neglected in the class.
One was quiet n silently hardworking, the other was blur n often teased by students, the last was what they called childish and had fantasty disney dreams.
I befriended this group and together, we had a lot of fun during our school dayz. I remember before PSLE, we made a pact to go to the same school, of coz eventually, only two of them went into SCGS, the rest split up.
When i entered NY, only one girl from my p.sch went with me, n she wasnt my close frens either. I thought this would be a great chance for us to become good frens.
I learnt how wrong i was.
She was a typical cute n sweet girl, who made frens with the popular ones quite easily. I, on the other hand, was less prone to attracting attention, so i made frens with those who were quieter n less "loud".
The Lord saw my troubles once again n led me into the lives of one particular group of frens.
There were five of us altogether, one different from another and unique in our own ways. We fought n we quarrelled, but there were happy moments too.
Once, becoz of the issue of popularity, one of us nearly left, but eventually, we stuck together till the end of sec 2.
That was when everything changed again.
Yvonne, the brains, transferred to RGS.
Danxun, the mature n love expert, migrated to New Jersey.
And the remaining three were streamed into 3 different classes.
Things got worse when i found out none of my close sec 2 frens were in my sec 3 class.
I was all alone.
The first month of this yr was unbearably painful for me.
I cried nearly every day n became overwhelmingly depressed.
I kept shut during lessons n wrote songs whenever i had nothing to do. Everyone around me was slowly makin frens, but i remained silent.
At this point of time, i had completely forgotten abt my p.sch frens. We lost touch for a long time n led our seperate lives.
Perhaps out of lonliness, i started contacting all my old frens again n once again, we were frens. I was so desperate for frens i even resorted to makin frens online. Trouble brewed n it formed a vital part of my memory, one which taught me about life n brought me closer to God.
He could've stopped me if He wanted, but He let me make one mistake after another, finally, before i could plunge myself down the wrong path, He stepped in n took control of the situation.
Everything went right from then on n now, im finally living for myself, no longer worried abt my social life.
Then again, the problem is not completely solved.
In school, i still find myself wandering. I do have a few closer frens, but not to the extend we would talk abt anything n walk hand in hand. They have their own social life, n i have basically none in school.
If there's one thing im afraid of, it's being alone - spiritually or physically.
I went to a PSGL (Peer Support Group Leader) meeting this morning, n i was sitting alone in the corner of the Lecture Threatre. It didn't feel good, n i felt insignificant, not to mention sad.
My confidence level went low n i didn't speak or made much response during the meeting.
In the past, i had Danxun, now, i have no one.
It juz shows how impt frens can be when it comes to boosting your confidence n shaping up ur character.
I reflected during the metting.
And i realised that im leading different lives.
In church, i lead a cheerful n carefree life.
In school, im more quiet n easily depressed.
At home, im crazy beyond description n love hugging my sisters to death.
Im not sure if it's the same for everyone, but i decided that it's not possible for me to be satisfied with all my different lives.
Different environments call for different ways of behaviour.
I might not like the Jenny in school, especially the ppl around her, but i learn to take it eazy n rmb that i still have another life with God, with the yf.
And yet another life at Home.
Everyone has problem fitting in n being accepted, but sometimes, becoz we are all different, we can only adapt well to certain changes.
For me, i know i will never be able to fully adapt to NY. The behaviour of the girlz, the wayz of the teachers, the school system...
Yet there r girlz who absolutely love NY to pieces n would choose to stay there forever if they could. That's probably becoz of the frens they have there.
I know for me, i'll never fit in anywhere except at hcmc, n that's perfectly fine with me, becoz im made by Him such that i dun get along well with the majority, that's why in sch, or when i change environment, i make frens easily with ppl who r shunned or neglected by the majority of the class.
Haha to put it in a bad way, i easily become the outcast in a new environment, hated or gossiped by others behind.
But since i started in yf, i've learnt to be natural n more confident. So now when i feel lonely or have no frens in sch, instead of pitying myself n telling myself what a looser i am, i choose to think abt the yf, n the frens i have there.
There are a lot of hypocrites around me, especially in class, but instead of alwayz wonderin wad they're sayin abt me, i choose to look at them from the bright side, believing that i can change their bad impression by being sincere.
I watched Secondhand Lions juz now, n i learnt that it's all a matter of what you believe in.
God is there, whether you believe or not.
Your friends are talkin behind your back, but you can choose not to believe what they say.
The new environment freaks you out, but you can choose to believe you're happy n NOT pathetic.
Your siblings neglect you, but you can choose to believe they are juz busy n your generation gap is too big.
I know.
It's as good as lying to yourself.
But who says we cant believe in lies?
If it makes us feel better n does nothing to turn us against God, i don't see the problem.
I prefer to call it Thinking Positively.
It's not true that when you cant make frens so easily in a new environment, it means you're not so friendly n sociable. It probably juz means that you, as a person whom God has created, are not comfortable in that environment.
And it'll take a bit longer to fit it.
If we believe, and we have faith in our daily lives, it's not possible that EVERYTHING in our lives will go wrong.
Sure, one or two major things might happen, lyk homework or Changes, and we'll never be completely satisfied or happy.
HOWEVER, we must keep reminding ourselves of things that make us happy n thankful for. Things that are called Blessings.
It's never easy to smile in the face of problems, but becoz we are never really alone, we can do it.
There is bound to be at least one person on this earth who can make us feel better.
In my case, though i love the yf to pieces, i still havent found that special someone who can make life really different for me (i don't mean a bf, in case anyone got the wrong idea. im juz talkin abt a soul mate kindda person, lyk a fren. And we'll both be special to each other).
Still, i don't let Life get me down.
For now, i have the yf.
Their support, their friendship, their innocent wayz...
And that's all i ever ask for.
To the girl this entry is dedicated to, i hope i havent talked out of point (i usually do), but whateva the case is, i hope you will alwayz remember not to emphasis on your own problems in Life.
Don't repeat your sad story more than thrice maximum, becoz the more you say it, the more you're convincing yourself that your life is SAD.
You only need to tell it once to your family or closest siblings to gain comfort, once to the yf or closest frens to find support, and the last time to God, for guidance n advise.
Too many times will hurt.
Life is not really unfair n a complete thunderstorm unless we choose to think so.
Life can be pretty with sunshine and daisies too.
If we choose to believe.
It all depends on what we focus on.
So here's my advise to you:
When you blog abt something depressing, end it off with something cheerful n colourful that really makes you smile.
Becoz believe it or not, when ppl read ur sad entries, a small percentage of them is saying, "Hey look, life is sad afterall."
And then they start focusing on the sad things in their lives too.
And it all becomes a vicious cycle.
My point is, everyone, just STOP whining n complainin abt Life.
Take a deep breath, get some sleep, and reorganise your thinkin.
It's fine to grumble sometimes, i mean, that's what humans do. But when we overdo it, and get overly serious with our problems in Life, that's when depression settles in and we're spiritually n physically drained.
So, how about a big smile n altogether now:
HAPPY!! SHA LA LA LA~~ ^_^
EVERYBODY SHOULD BE HAPPY!! :)
SHA LA LA LA~!! =)
IT'S SO NICE TO BE HAPPY...!! *_*
SHA LA LA LA~!!
\^0^/
tranquility ; 12/29/2005 02:59:00 pm.
