31.12.05
juz came back from the watch night service, n it wuz a new experience for me. I have to confess, it wuz boring for me at one point, becoz all we did wuz prayers, n i didnt know wad we were prayin for.
Coz before that, i had no idea wad's a watch night service. I thought it wuz lyk normal service with sermons etc. Plus today's the last day of yr 2005, so i thought there might be some countdown element of fun in the "service".
oh well.
learnt something new today.
During the service, i felt depressed at one moment, coz i realised that my life after baptism hasnt changed much. In fact, i sometime forget im already baptised, so im lyk officially a Child of God.
And there i wuz, lettin my mind wander while everyone prayed. I really did try to pray with them, but becoz i didnt know the probs of the church specifically, i couldn't pray with sincerity n in details.
I mean, we prayed once for the old folks, but i dunno them personally, so im not sure of the probs they face, so i cant pray really well for them.
I swear im not being unfaithful to the church or anything. It's juz that it's hard for me to focus in my prayer on sth that is not closely related to me.
As in, even if i pray, lyk say the words "Dear Father in Heaven, pls help XXX to have faith etc etc..." im not sure if im being sincere or juz merely sayin the wordz.
You understand what im saying?
Lyk i look at those who r prayin, n wonder if they're really prayin. What goes through their minds? I mean, how can you keep your mind on a situation that doesnt concern you personally? Do they seriously worry abt all the situations on the screen, or do they juz say the words while prayin?
Oh man.
I don't think anyone gets what im tryin to say.
Point is, i don't think im a real Christian yet =( n there're still a lot of things i dunno. It's seriously sad and im gonna do sth abt it. But pastor louise once told me that not knowing everything doesnt determine my maturity as a Christian, it's the desire to know that matters.
Well, i feel lyk i wanna know everything abt God, n being Christian, so i'll really pray tonight that He will answers all my doubts n queries in due time.
Tomorrow is the election, n lyk i told sixuan, im really quite nervous. Coz im someone who likes to have some responsibility n get involved, so i'll honestly like a place in the committee. But then again, lyk i said, i dunno a lot of things, so maybe the yfers wun trust me that much.
There is another stupid n cowardly reason why i wanna be in the committee. It's becoz i still dun feel truly accepted into yf. As in, i know i have minnie n sixuan (who r genuinely sweet), but besides them, i dunno if the rest consider me as one of them now.
But if i get a place in the committee, it'll give me assurance that im at least truly involved in yf now, n im NOT juz a nobody in the church.
Sighz.
But sixuan made a good point.
If there r better candidates than me to be in the committee, so be it. There r other ways i can serve God :)
Thanks, sixuan. That really made me feel better ^ ^
Alright then, enough with this.
Moving on...
I was talkin to mum juz now, coz i suddenly realised that i've got the best parents in the world. No, really.
Perhaps it's coz i made some observation abt my frens' parents n decided im really lucky.
First of all, my parents trust me heaps. They allow me to go out, as long as i explain where im goin, they give me enough money to eat n have fun, n they dun keep calling or bugging me when im outside.
They REALLY trust me.
Of coz, i return their trust by calling them whenever i'll be out late, juz to reassure them im alright n not doin anything bad. I think they appreciate this n im juz really glad this trust thing can work both wayz.
Secondly, they care abt my future n wad kindda of person i'll become when i grow up. I never realised till now, that every time they nag or give me a lecture, it's becoz they wanna teach me sth abt life n if i juz listen carefully n learn, i'll become a much better person.
They teach me abt being organised (to increase workin efficiency), personal hygiene (in case i have room mates in future), cookin (so i can survive overseas in future), watchin my tongue (so i dun embarrass anyone in public) etc etc...
I get irritated sometimes (my dad's genes, i suppose), but whenever i chill down n think abt it, im thankful that they're already shapin up my character at this stage.
They're seriously responsible parents.
And my mum told me juz now that raising kidz with love isn't abt tying them to urself. It's abt lettin them walk by themselves, then grabbing hold of them when they're going to fall. Or when they do fall, help them pick themselves up.
If parents hold on to their kidz like kites without the string, the kidz will never learn.
This isnt called love.
It's erm something else.
She said a professor once mentioned at a talk abt parenting that parents should learn to be friends with their children.
I feel really proud that i can talk to my parents abt ANYTHING.
Im even startin to talk abt bgr with my dad now.
No, i dont mean he allows me to have a bf, but we're discussing things like, wad is true love? why izzit that youngsters nowadayz break up so easily? how izzit that my daddy n mummy can remain so loving for so many years? wad kind of guy should i look out for in future?
Etc etc.
It's quite cool actually.
Sometimes listening to a grown up's point of view can be very interesting.
Of coz, there will be a generation gap. There alwayz will be. If there isnt, they wont be called our parents, coz they're older than us. But that doesnt mean the gap alwayz have to get between us.
Communication, i believe, can alwayz bridge things up.
So, anyway, it's NEW YEAR now.
And we're all hugging n jumpin around =)
Have a joyous n fun filled year 2006, everyone!!
tranquility ; 12/31/2005 11:59:00 pm.
