6.8.06
yesterday was saturday,the worst one for me possible in my short life of 16yrs.i actually forgot my promise to nicholas to go with him for balai mission trip.he called my hse at 7.45am to tell me everyone's waitin for me at the ferry terminal.and he was the only yfer there.
it's a very complicated situation,honestly.i dont usually forget sth so impt.but truth is,when he asked me if i wanted to go balai,i had
already bought tix to the gym fiesta concert on the same saturday of the balai trip.but believe it or not,i totally forgot abt the concert when he asked me.so i said ok.
so basically i've got 2 programmes lined up within one day,which is impossible in reality,becoz the balai mission trip goes from morning to night,around 7pm.and the concert is at 7.30pm,so i cant possibly rush down to sch in time.
but anyway,point is,i wasnt aware i had 2 plans for one day.i honestly didnt had time and the brain space to think so much.during the first few days of this wk,i could still rmb the balai trip,in fact,i was really lookin forward to it.coz it's nicholas first time,so it'll be quite exciting for him i suppose.
BUT.
i had 2 tests on wed,and i was so stressed on monday that i nearly cried in class becoz i had lost nearly all my notes for both physics and bio test topics.SO.due to all the stress and stupid sch stuffs,i COMPLETELY forgot abt BOTH my plans.i just focused on the tests.
those were the last 2 tests for this term,so i was seriously lookin forward for them to be over.so when they were finally over,i was so relieved!
and i could only rmb the concert.
i dont know what happened!!
i just forgot abt the trip.somehow.i thought it was because i didnt write it down in my planner.it's very risky you know.not writing down ur plans.but it's a lame excuse for forgetting.so i sat down to reflect.
and i can only say..
it just happened.
look,i know at first glance,this sounds like an irresponsible thing to say.but truth is,i honestly feel it's not in my control.it's not as if i could've remembered if i tried.because fact is,when we do God's work,the devil will try means and ways to stop us.and in this case,the devil used the tests against me.
and i was defeated by the devil because my relationship with God was weak at that point of time.i was dead tired every single night,and i hadnt been doin my quiet time.each time i'll say to myself,im tired,i'll do it after the tests.
which i really meant.
but i guess i didnt stick to my promise,because after the tests i had other stuffs to do.so God stepped in to discipline me.
after i forgot the trip ytd,i went to do volunteer cip at east coast park,and it was so obvious there was a higher force working against me.because i missed every single transportation i was rushing for on the way home,and i had to walk for an hr when i was going there due to the fact that i alighted at the wrong stop.
it sounds coincidental to some ppl,like it's a common thing,missing buses and mrt.but i just knew it's God disciplining me..and i really dont mind.compared to what nicholas was going through alone in balai,it was nothing.
i was actually pretty upset that almost everyone who knows abt this thinks it's my fault,which it is,but it's not like i can be blamed.
i can be blamed for neglecting,i admit.but it's not my fault that i forgot.because it's a chain effect caused by my laziness in relation with God.so i was quite annoyed when even jamie says she would be angry with me too if she were nicholas.
but i decided that it's understandable if he's angry.this kind of thing takes time to get over.that sense of betrayer.
however,i feel that the one i disappointed most was God.although i made a promise to nicholas to go for the balai trip,i made an even bigger promise to Him.and to a certain extent,i think He doesnt want me to go to the balai trip.
because like i said,my relationship with Him was weak at that time,imagine a person spiritually weak going for mission work.she wouldn't feel spiritual fulfilment or feel the passion to do God's work.my time in balai would've been wasted anyway.
God was telling me something.and i understand now.
i sought forgiveness,and i believe i am forgiven.
when i told yongliang abt this today,he just said,"Aiya,this kind of thing cant be helped.It's alright."
and i felt like he's the only one who understands.
who needs a reason for forgetting?
why doesnt anyone else understand?
i know i disappointed ppl and broke a promise,but i feel that it's not worse than a broken spiritual promise.and im utterly disappointed in myself too.
i think the point here is not me forgetting to go for the trip,but rather,my relationship with God.i need to reconcile with Him,like haowen said.
(if this post of mine leaves you thinking im irresponsible and not willing to admit my mistake or wadsover,it either means im very bad at expressing my own views effectively,maybe it's my lousy language use.
or.it means you dont get what im saying.due to different opinions or lack of understanding of me as a friend.)
to nicholas,im sorry.
and i sincerely hope u'll find the time and passion soon to go to balai again.
tranquility ; 8/06/2006 07:52:00 pm.
