17.11.06
IM FINALLY IN TOUCH WITH THE WORLD AGAIN.BUT I CAN ONLY POST A QUICK ONE NOW COZ JAMIE USED THIS COMP IN MY DAD'S OFFICE FOR A V.LONG TIME JUST NOW SO WE NEED TO RUSH HOME NOW.
i just read the tags and well,thanks everyone,they make me feel alot better,but my post is not going to be the happy me.things here are different from what i expected,and i expected myself to take it with a better mood too.
i havent got a card that can let me call back,or use the internet (im in dad's office now),so like,i feel so distant and far from everyone.it's so depressing.and i wonder how i can live here for the next 2 yrs,assuming im goin somewhere else for uni.
i miss everyone like hell ok.my first night 2 days ago was NOT enjoyable.i squeezed in with jamie and joyce even though we have one bed each.they think it's coz im scared of sleeping alone,but truth is,im scared to face the night alone.it's so sad and lonely and depressing for me right now.
the things i seek comfort in these few days is the bible study i got from the daoshis,and the taiwan drama series Devil Beside You starring Rainie Yang.these are the only things that remind me of who i am and my chinese origins.i tell jamie not to watch the show too quickly,coz she is like chiong-ing through the discs,coz im scared of what will happen after i watch finish the show.i will have no more chinese shows to watch,seeing that the temporary hse we're stayin in has no internet or television.im scared of going crazy being in a place that doesnt smell familiar.
it's weird suddenly being the minority,but im gaining comfort after going out this aftnn and seeing other ppl of other races too.the ppl here seem nice enough,but it's really hard not to wonder if ur race matters to the majority.identity crisis?maybe.
pls pray for me.im like praying every min when i feel depressed now,coz i know im at my weakest point,and it's the easiest time for Satan to attack...
the night here is short.it only gets dark after 8pm,and it's bright as the sun by 5pm.thats sth i like abt this place,coz nights are lonely and they made me feel sad,so it's good to keep them short.
it's cold here only in the morning and evening.i found a new bestie,and it's the heater by the kitchen.it's like a metal casing that radiates really strong heat,so im literally hugging it every morning and evening coz it's FREEZING.and it's supposedly starting of summer already!i cant imagine winter here...
they speak funny here.they pronounce letter E literally,like my name,JENNY CHEN,becomes GENIE CHEEEN or sth,and CHESS becomes CHEESE.hmm -.-"
i've received several cultural shocks already,like the fact that some big grocery shops dont pack ur food nicely into plastic bags like they always do in singapore.they just scan and put the food back into an empty trolley,and expect u to do the packin by the side yourself.
and the fact that we have no telly and internet really doesnt improve the situation.pls.God.i need a miracle.i need a miracle to tide me through all these,to start a new life after spending 14yrs in singapore and to get used to everything here...
like introducing myself as GENIE,to start with...
im startin sch only in mid feb and i've decided to choose media studies,jap,classical studies (which is really great coz it includes historical,cultural and literacy studies of ancient rome,greek etc),maths and eng(which is compulsory).of coz,they might not let me take jap coz the other students would have started a yr ago.if they dont allow,then i'll just take the pointless economics.
the subjects are cool right.they even have subjects like history of art,performing music,multimedia,physical education,horticulture...lots and lots!(:
but im prepared to just be quiet and be the study geek for the next 2 yrs in my new high sch.im tired of makin frens already,especially when im the new kid all over again,and i have to leave my bestie and everyone else in singapore.im sure the kids in my sch have besties and cliques too,so maybe i'll just be on my own.and i dont think i'll mind.i'll just work hard and get a scholarship or sth.and i thought i'll be really sporty and nice when i get here,join a hip and sporty cca like tennis or dance,but now i think im destined to be a "club person" afterall.im thinkin of joining the christian group,or the radio/film club,but dad is thinkin of the debate club.hmm.so like,yea,im the club girl...
just as i thought,im having another identity crisis all over again. like,whoo,well done GENIE.you thought you were so secure and confident with all that frens in singapore,but apparently,you werent,coz now put to the test,u're not sure again.
major shit ok.im pissed off with myself for not being able to be cool abt everything and just submerge into the new environment.maybe im giving myself too much pressure,but i really dont see how i can get used to this place.
i want to go home and i want to go to for yf outing on sunday.i want my blanket that i left behind and i want to see TP.i want to go hwa chong and i want to tell lynn personally abt the sermon by andrew peh.the last sermon that i heard in hcmc.abt true christian friends.
if not for my family,i would have mentally broken down million of times le.but the fact that im not alone here makes things better.i hope i can be strong and just be myself here.but it'll take some time.
shit.i shouldnt be worrying everyone here on my blog,but i probably am.like u must be picturing me crying in a sad little corner of the hse or sth.i've only cried once so far,and that was at night.
now,i try to tire myself out as much as possible in the day,so i can fall asleep immediately at night.then when i wake in the morning,there's so much to do i dont have to think.as much to do as just watchin Devil Beside You,that is..
and i cant find my Upper Room.
this is annoying and frustrating.i misplaced the cd with a video TP made for me,but i just watched the video mich made.i want to go hcmc this sunday,and not some strange place with zero chinese.i want to go hmv and hear all those chinese songs.i want to hear good and pure chinese,even those with heavy china accents.
i never thought my origin will be so impt to me.im missing yes933 and i want to watch channel 8.it's so shitty.i cant speak their weird english with the E and stuffs.i cant be all smiley and OH HELLO YES GOOD DAY TO YOU TOO to every shop assisstant i meet.and i cant live here for the next 2 yrs.
i went back to singapore last night in my dreams,i was in nanyang,and i saw sandy and lynn in rjc uniform.they were leavin for china immersion and then the classroom was all empty,only i was there alone.i woke up and for a split second i couldnt remember where i was.then of coz i knew.
im in christchurch,new zealand.in a bed on the second floor of 11 Montana Ave.(this is not my final address,so dont post anything yet).
everything still seems so unreal.i can still remember everything in singapore as though i can just take a bus back.but duh.i cant.i cant even take a boat back.i have to take a plane.which makes the distance between me and everyone seem even greater.
plus there is a 5hr time difference.im 5hrs faster than u guys,so in the day,im always thinkin stuffs like "nicholas shld be playin comp in class now", "is lynn suffering in china coz of her cramps?", "TP should be enjoying her comp game now", "coco could be writing now", "are the daoshis preparing for the yf outing?"....
i feel like u guys are always behind me and i keep wishing i can slow down the time so we can at least be experiencing the same hr together.but thats not possible,coz God made the world this way,and i gladly acccept it,even if it's suffocating.
im sry no pics yet.no time to have fun so far.i'll upload pics asap.but till the next time i get to touch a comp with internet connection,u wont be hearing from me,and vice versa.
take care my frens.miss you lots and lots.
with deepest love,
jenny
tranquility ; 11/17/2006 03:58:00 pm.
