30.4.07
", who said teddy is a bear? i say he's a piggy! XD"my first un-emo post since many days! ^0^
hmm yea after i read TP's email and meditated on the matter that was bothering me, i feel lighter and happier now.
no i havent found a solution or answer, but i know i will, sooner or later(:
okok so whats happening in sch now?
firstly, mid yrs coming up in 2 wks time!
mainly for english and maths.
and badminton teams shld be playing soon, so thats good.
coz i can almost feel the fat accumulating in me = ="
it's not funny, i've gained 2 kg (give and take) since coming here!! ><"
good thing teddy's getting fat too! XD
or so he claims... but that makes two of us!
:P
the topic of formal (aka prom, in sg) is becoming increasingly hot in sch now.
the yr12 girls especially are busy discussing what to wear, who to go with, to go or not to go...
and alot of them are hoping to go with a yr13 guy to their graduation prom (which is held later than the yr12 formal).
hahh.
so what else is new.
u must understand that here in a western country, the formal is like an official date to announce and introduce ur bf/gf (or someone u like) to other ppl.
so like, yea...
it's a bigggg thing.
sheesh who cares!
i told teddy im going to stay home that night and chat with him on msn(:
ohoh OMG.
someone added me on friendster and she's my long lost p.sch buddy!!!
YOGHURT!!
thats what we used to call her, somehow XD
cute name, just like her.
she used to be a real tomboy, but now she's in dance and it feels really cool?
awesome~
aww gee.. wish i can meet her again.
and jovial and tracy and amy..
they were my biggest supporters when i first started writing stories.
ok now im more than determined to save up and buy my own plane ticket back to sg at the end of this yr!!
tranquility ; 4/30/2007 05:17:00 pm.
", who said teddy is a bear? i say he's a piggy! XD"my first un-emo post since many days! ^0^
hmm yea after i read TP's email and meditated on the matter that was bothering me, i feel lighter and happier now.
no i havent found a solution or answer, but i know i will, sooner or later(:
okok so whats happening in sch now?
firstly, mid yrs coming up in 2 wks time!
mainly for english and maths.
and badminton teams shld be playing soon, so thats good.
coz i can almost feel the fat accumulating in me = ="
it's not funny, i've gained 2 kg (give and take) since coming here!! ><"
good thing teddy's getting fat too! XD
or so he claims... but that makes two of us!
:P
the topic of formal (aka prom, in sg) is becoming increasingly hot in sch now.
the yr12 girls especially are busy discussing what to wear, who to go with, to go or not to go...
and alot of them are hoping to go with a yr13 guy to their graduation prom (which is held later than the yr12 formal).
hahh.
so what else is new.
u must understand that here in a western country, the formal is like an official date to announce and introduce ur bf/gf (or someone u like) to other ppl.
so like, yea...
it's a bigggg thing.
sheesh who cares!
i told teddy im going to stay home that night and chat with him on msn(:
ohoh OMG.
someone added me on friendster and she's my long lost p.sch buddy!!!
YOGHURT!!
thats what we used to call her, somehow XD
cute name, just like her.
she used to be a real tomboy, but now she's in dance and it feels really cool?
awesome~
aww gee.. wish i can meet her again.
and jovial and tracy and amy..
they were my biggest supporters when i first started writing stories.
ok now im more than determined to save up and buy my own plane ticket back to sg at the end of this yr!!
tranquility ; 4/30/2007 05:17:00 pm.
28.4.07
", the sun is shining in my world.!"these few days it's been raining and the skies are cloudy and grey.
but my world is sunny.
but when i think abt us going to universities, i get really sad.
i dont know whats gonna happen in the future and even though i say i gladly follow God's will, it still takes patience and faith to figure out where He wants me to go and what to do next.
in case u're thinking the wrong thing, jenny is not in any relationship except for friendship.
whats happening is...
well, there's this guy in church whom i met abt 4 mths ago.
basically.. well, yea, he sort of caught my attn.
so that period of time when i got all depressed and emo on the blog?
earlier this yr?
yea, it's coz of him.
i didnt know what i was feeling.
and i felt really lost.
and the frustrating thing was, he never seem to ever look at girls.
or expressed any emotions.
or any thoughts.
he's like a typical sports geek who studies real hard.
these 4 mths have been a bumpy emotional roller coaster ride.
sometimes i feel like we have sth special in our friendship.
sometimes i dont.
then after camp, which was only last wk, it happened.
it happened just a few nights ago actually.
we were talking on msn and he made it clear who he likes.
and i told him how i felt too.
so that night, two ppl were deliriously happy.
thing is, i dont think this is just a casual crush or liking.
we're both serious.
i know thats what every teenage couple says, but we both love God and we both want to do whats right as good christians.
we both want to build each other up and we both know now's not the time.
so in a way, i dont like to classify this as a teenage crush.
it's funny really...
half a yr ago, yulan gave me a book called Boy Meets Girl, which talks abt dating and stuff, from a christian's p.o.v.
at that time i read it and felt v.inspired, but at the same time, thought, "gosh, thats not gonna happen to me, is it? like find a guy who really loves God, his family and friends, and me?"
but now it's happened.
and TP's really happy for me.
so are u guys.
but then... what now?
he's going to university next yr, probably remaining in christchurch.
and me, im going to university the yr after next, most definitely going out of christchurch.
im afraid, confused and worried.
i dont want all these to end before it even starts.
what is God's will for me?
what am i supposed to do?
i want to talk to my parents..
i tell them everything..
but bgr matters are so complicated.
i dont know if they will understand.
because this time... it's different.
i dont think there's anyone else i know who is in my situation...
good friends who like each other and both parties know it...
they pray together, share problems, respect each other physically and emotionally...
yet they arent in a relationship...
God, pls guide me in this matter.
im going to talk to the youth counsellor in church abt this soon.
guide me and help me know what to say to her.
Amen.
tranquility ; 4/28/2007 05:27:00 pm.
26.4.07
", 我的爱和未来. dreams really do come true."thanks boy for telling me all that last night.
it was good you found the courage to finally tell me how u feel.
and vice versa.
we're both really happy now(:
stupidly happy.
it seems so innocent and immature right now, our feelings.
but we both love God, and like u said, He will lead the way.
as for me, i believe His plans are the best ones.
i submit everything into His hands and im not too worried whats going to happen to us eventually.
but we will walk on the path of righteous, together, even if just for now.
thank you Lord, for helping me find the courage to face up to my own feelings, to seek Your Will in my decisions and thank you for pointing me in the right direction.
my life has never been so good.
but i know Satan will try and ruin it for everyone.
so i continue praying for your merciful guidance and blessing hand upon us sinners.
forgive us our sins, in thought, word and deed.
renew us and change us so that we may be truly like u.
amen.
tranquility ; 4/26/2007 06:23:00 pm.
24.4.07
", not by my Will, but by Yours."stupid camp.
changed everything.
i'm truly happy that we can talk face to face now, instead of just hiding behind the computer screen...
im really glad that on the last day we could goof around naturally and not feel awkward.
it confirmed the friendship we have and now i know...
you are real.
it started with what they call love at first sight.
but it grew and deepened.
and i believe u feel it too.
but neither of us is saying anything.
thats alright.
im just thankful that both of us acknowledge the immense trust we have between us.
i want u to know, that i thank God for u.
but now there's someone else getting involved.
he's a very sad soul.
he's been through alot on his journey for true love.
i dont want to be a murderer.
a murderer who killed someone's last streak of hope for a better tomorrow.
i was the one who told him he would find someone better.
i was there as a good friend to support him that fateful night, when the one with him shld've been her.
but this isnt how i want things to turn out.
on one hand, u're being very silent and reserved.
on the other hand, he's going to keep advancing and it's hard to miss the signals he's sending.
both of you are really great.
both of you have got brains, sensitivity, the willingness to listen more and speak less...
he's a music talent and academic genius.
composer of the 2 theme songs for this yr's camp.
and student of 5 accelerated classes.
u are a pro in badminton.
probably one of the star players in the sch team.
and u use ur brains and wits in everything u do.
i dont want a choice.
sometimes no choice is the best choice.
i pray to God.
i know His plans are to prosper us.
i know all these will work for the best of all of us.
after all, we're all followers of Christ.
Dear Lord,
thank you for answering my prayers made before the camp.
you have strengthened me and given me answers to the questions in my heart.
im sure this change of events is planned and under ur control.
i pray for patience and a good heart to stay focused on u and let nth distract me.
shine light on the devil's temptations so that i may see them and avoid them.
help me stay on the path of righteousness and faithfulness to You.
the future is in ur hands i know.
knowing this, i have no fear and no worry.
i pray u bless all the hearts who love you.
and forgive us all for our transgressions.
Amen.
tranquility ; 4/24/2007 05:41:00 pm.
12.4.07
", to all my besties out there, i wish for true love to always prevail, where ever u are.!"i never really believed in "friends forever".
i knew ppl use it too casually and with too little expectations.
few ppl use it with sincerity.
but most importantly, it just never seemed possible to me, for friends to be forever.
to me, friends always seemed to be a passing wind.
sometimes a breeze, sometimes a gust, and sometimes they come with the storm.
but nevertheless, they pass after some time,
i believe God gives us two kinds of friends.
the first type comes into our lives when we need help or simply need a friend, or not, depending on the situation.
these are the friends who make an impact on our lives at that time and then we never hear of them again.
the second type stays with us for a longer time in comparison.
they dont make such a big difference in the short run, but at the end of the day, we see the significance of such lasting friendships.
this doesn not mean the second type of friends is more superior or better quality than the first.
it simply differs according to the will of God and the role each of us plays in the life of another.
friends have a purpose in our lives, each one of them, just like we have a purpose in our friends' lives.
of coz, there will be times when casual strangers stroll past us and we call them our hi-bye friends.
and they have a purpose too.
so anyway, today, i want to remember those friends who had made an impact on me while i was in sg, and at that time were very significant to me (still are now), yet now not so close anymore.
i want to remember these friends who changed me in small and big ways, and i wish them all the best wherever they are now.
this is not the complete list, i'll be adding more as i rmb.
those not included here could mean two things:
1) we were never so close until we shared heart felt problems, to begin with.
2) we were close and still are.
-------------------------------------
Jiamin:My lower primary bestie.
She was the first christian i ever met and showed me what it meant to be a dutiful christian.
In a way, God first made contact with me through her.
BeeHoon&gang:Class monitress of my p4 class.
she and her groupies made me feel v.welcomed as a new kid in CHIJ(BT), after i transferred there from Qifa.
They were all faithful catholics and attempted to bring me to catholic classes.
another attempt from God to reach me, but failed at that time.
i remained a free thinker.
TheDGS:mel, gill&shani.
only mel and shani started out as christian and catholic respectively.
the four of us were a clique and we have a huge secret no one shall ever know.
praise the Lord, all four of us are baptised and believers of Christ this day.
the magic has indeed worked.
GirlsOfTheSwing:pz, hf, yv and dx.
i rmb the times when we used to sit on the swing in nanyang and talk abt everything under the sun, sharing chips (or not = =) and occassionally pushing someone off coz only 4 ppl can get on.
yv is from a good catholic family, and although she made no attempt to convert me, i still thank God for planting a believer among my friends.
Shaun&Mark:we've been through alot.
we met in a rather unconventional way and the two of you opened my eyes to a world i never knew - a world probably more real than the one im living in.
i wasted a lot of time, i know.
things could've been better.
but i've learnt and grown, thanks to you two.
one was a brother to me, another a good friend.
no one can ever replace the memories i have of you two and i'll always rmb the day when we all met at the bus stop for the first time.
things didnt end on a good note for one of us, but still, i wont forget you guys.
be well.
Haowen:one of the dear daoshis of hcmc yf.
when i first knew him, i didnt think much of this chap and i wasnt too thrilled when he was appointed my mentor in the yf exco.
time proved me wrong and i saw his servant's heart and willingness to serve and obey.
i rmb the many times when i bombard him with qns abt the christian faith and bible and he was always serious and sincere in answering.
he would research and ask other daoshis in order to give me the best possible answer.
he was also my unofficial math tutor nearing my sec4 eoys.
he would be there during the study grps and he could always solve any math qn thrown at him.
i also rmb my 16th bday last yr.
it was very significant to me and i was incredibly anxious that day.
i had invited seriously all the friends i had.
i invited the DGs, the yfers, sixers... just abt any friend from all parts of my life.
it was the biggest party i ever self organised and i was losing faith in myself and God.
but haowen turned up with his guitar and i knew nth could go wrong.
and nth did.
Nicholas:my emo binny for a period of time.
he never told me everything abt himself and till today i feel i know little abt him.
but during that time when i was uncertain abt my own identity, he was there (on msn = =), ready to listen to my rants.
he was the only one who saw the real side of me, the complaining, rude, short tempered me.
and he accepted this friend nevertheless.
i've changed now, nicholas, into a better person i hope.
and im happy with who i am now.
thank you for believing in me and teaching me self acceptance.
Coco:you are one of the few girls who know almost everything abt me.
i'll always rmb that night at the chalet when we talked till midnight and you supported me while i made that difficult decision to call someone.
it's a pity it all had to end just as we were getting to know each other.
time is against us and it's no one's fault that we dont know whats happening to one another now.
but still, i wish you all the best in whatever u're facing now, and whoever is with u now.
God bless and guide you, my dear friend.
Junan:lion man with a kid's heart.
i rmb the trip to balai; i rmb the outing at sentosa; i rmb the times when u were leading bible study when i first joined hcmc yf.
those were hilarious times becoz u were there with ur sense of lameness.
i didnt really share alot of my problems with u, but i told u my past once, and u're one of the few who know.
im not sure how far things have progressed between you and someone, but i wish u happiness and blessing all the same.
may God use u to bless and enlighten lost souls in the christian faith.
thanks for being such a good brother while i needed one.
Zhixuan:I rmb discussing politics and worldly issues with u through email and on msn.
those times made me feel grown up and i learnt alot from u.
i rmb how u used to tell me on msn to get off and go study.
and i rmb how u take God's work and words really seriously.
sometimes u're like the big brother i never had, and other times u're a daoshi of the church.
and then for the rest of the times, u're a really good friend who made me realise what are the more impt things in life.
i know u will go on to do great things for God.
Yulan:i like to call her my angel and benefactor.
she pulled me out of the dark times and directed me towards light.
God has been working to reach me and touch my heart all my life, and he suceeded through this lady.
yulan, i know how difficult things get for u, and it's probably not even half of what i imagine, for God's work is never easy.
but u have a good heart and i know He will bless u.
i pray that u'll have emotional and spiritual strength in ur work, also physical strength, and may all who get to know u be blessed as well.
Gloria:i still rmb what u told me after my bday party last yr, at the sidegate of my condo.
have faith in the way u were created, dear girl.
i hope u're happier now in a new environment.
i wont forget ur sophisticated ways with language and music.
i hope when we next meet, u'll be a more secure person with plenty of good friends.
god bless.
tranquility ; 4/12/2007 04:03:00 pm.
9.4.07
", thank you for the cross, my friend."term 1 break now.
woots.
i've got an entire wk to myself before i head off for church youth camp for the second wk of the hols, next wk.
hmm sorry for my long absence from this blog.
was in a deep emo pit for some time.
stuffs kept coming up and i had trouble being emotionally stable.
so yea.
but things are pretty much alright now.
big thanks to those who went on emo binge with me:
peter, for listening to me despite his own problems and insecurities.
jason,
for always being so cool abt me unloading emo stuffs onto him.
amy, for saying she'll support me (even though she has no idea abt any of my problems).
vic, for being so sane and sensible whenever i need advise and someone to talk to.
TP, for doing email relays with me and forgiving me when im late in reply.
sixuan, for sharing with me her own problems and still remembering me when she's unhappy.
cheers, you ppl are the best(:
ok so now that happy jenny is back, i shall discuss some of the things i learnt during this emo period.
firstly, i realised i am still not spiritually strong enough to know what to do at certain times.
or what not to do.
the bible tells me to hold my tongue for it is wise to do so.
but many times, especially the past few wks, it has become increasingly difficult to do so, mainly because other ppl have been loading their own problems onto me and i found the need to talk to a listening ear.
i chose my confidantes carefully and im confident they will not spill the secrets.
however, it does not change the fact that i have in fact broken my promise to those friends with the problems of not telling others.
so here's a qn for you:
if i revealed the secrets of another to a friend
without any intention of spreading the news insensibly or gossip, but
purely out of need for spiritual support and help (and im positive my friend will not spill the beans), did i then go against the words of the bible?
also, in doing so, did i also betray the trust of those who confided in me?
this has been eating at my inner conscience but personally i feel that as long as my intentions do not stem from evil and foolishness, but rather, conveyed after much thought and consideration, i have done nth to be ashamed of.
in fact, i think if i tell those ppl who confided in me that i told their secrets to so-and-so, they would understand because they know that friend too and they trust him/her too.
(i put him/her because i have a few close friends whom i confide such things with.)
but anyway, im probably living in self-denial.
so do feel free to tag ur opinion and let me know what u think.
secondly, God has a way of making things better.
after a rather bad badminton session last night, i was positive my easter sunday night was screwed.
but eventually, my friends said some v.nice things on msn and i went to bed feeling cheered up and remained in a good mood for today ^-^
it is true indeed, in all that we do and experience, give thanks constantly and never lose faith in Him.
ok enough of the reflections.
mann it's so frustrating to type now coz dad has forced me to start learning to type the proper ways, using all ten fingers instead of four.
so im typing...... like...... v e r y slooooow....nooowww....
movie outing tmr!!
going to watch Mr Bean with the girl twins and jamie.
and possibly joyce too.
surfed the net for publishers today.
found 5 or 6 possible publishers so as soon as im done editing The Magicator for the last time, im gonna start sending the manuscript out and hopefully i'll get at least one publisher responding.
pray for me yes? ^-^
ok i'll post again soon.
this one's getting wee bit too long XD
BYE!
tranquility ; 4/09/2007 03:37:00 pm.
4.4.07
", i should just shut up and accept who i am."in case you dont know, i had badminton trial for A team today.
and in case you dont know even more, there are 4 sets of teams in any sports.
A, B, C and possible D.
in each set, there are 3 teams.
e.g. A1, A2 and A3.
in which, of coz, A1 would be the best and the A team being the best among all the teams.
therefore, you would understand it's not easy getting into A1.
oh and also, higher than A1, you have the premier team.
and below is a reflection i wrote soon after i arrived home from the trial.
it is deeply emo and depressing.
but kindda inspirational at the end?
so yea, do feel free to leave this blog now if you want to.
---------------------
Badminton trial was a horrible mess. Below is the list of emotions I had after that:
Angry – Because the trial was so disorganized and we weren’t given fair chances, plus I wasn’t able to perform my best because I was too used to warm up practices before any actual game. So my limbs didn’t cooperate with me. AND my shoes weren’t rubbery enough and I couldn’t run well coz kept slipping.
Embarrassed – Apparently the trial was for A1/premier ONLY and I thought it was a general trial for A teams. If I had known it earlier, I wouldn’t even have gone and let myself look like one of those kids who obviously know nth about badminton but still want to go anyway to show off whatever skills they think they have.
At the end, out of 20 over people, more than 10 were gathered and dismissed. “I think you guys are probably going to be in A2, A3, or a B team, but you’re not A1 and premier material. Thank you for coming *big smile* you may go home now.”
That’s when I knew about the trial being for A1/premier teams. I felt like kicking myself all the way home. Fancy wasting my own darn time to trial for sth even a fool knows he cant get.
Now I look just like the rest of the dismissed people – sad dejected bunch of people who should’ve known better what kind of “material” they are. But truth is, I don’t think I suck completely. And I detest being viewed as the same sort of people as the others (like another William Hung who went for sth he obviously wasn’t cut out for). I know I can do better, maybe not good enough to get into A1, but still not too badly until I have to be dismissed, which is why I’m angry too.
Apologetic – Because I was a nervous wreck and I think it affected Victoria’s performance. She said I was making her nervous too. In the end, she got dismissed with me. We were playing as a team all the way, so I feel really bad. She probably had a good chance but like I said, I screw things up for myself and everyone else around me. It’s just bad luck for Vicky to be playing with me.
Self pity – I pity myself for believing for a split second that I’m just like my dad – capable, confident and always ready. For a split second there I thought one day I could become successful like him. I would never let the people around me down, not even myself.
I’ve always been told I’m confident, because I’ve been brought up to be a confident kid. But I never really believed in anything I do, deep down inside. I never believed I could top the last calculus common test until the results came out; I never believed my Macbeth essay would be good enough to be chosen and read out in class; I never believed I’ll get Excellence for Classics practice qns twice in a row…but I did. I just never believed.
But today, just before the trial, for a split second there, I really did believe.
Which was a big foolish mistake. One should just stick to being who she really is. And one should never forget God. I learnt this important lesson today. I was too proud, too sure of what Jenny can do. I forgot whatever skills she has come from God, her good luck spills from His grace and love.
I was influenced by my friend and started criticizing some players; I forgot nothing can be accomplished if God isn’t with me; I didn’t humble myself and thought only of winning (because that’s apparently how they select people for A team, by looking at the scores).
God saw all these and forsake me purposefully to teach me a lesson. I don’t blame him. I’m glad of the reminder. I see now that the trial was so trivial compared to what I have learnt and what more I can accomplish in life in His name of love.
Still, it doesn’t change the fact that the trial was crushing for me emotionally. I remember thinking at the start of the trial, “I’m sure some of these people aren’t even as good as they claim to be.” And now I’m one of them.
But spiritually, I have grown a little bit more. And I hope this will help me overcome this little setback. Compared to eternity, this is nothing. God is trying to change me, and I will gladly let him, for this is what I’ve been praying for. But to tell you the truth, though I was prepared for anything in order to be transformed by God, I didn’t think it’ll hurt so much.
It’s not about me not getting into the best team; it’s not even about the trial itself. It’s about me always forgetting to who am I, thinking I can do this and that, then realizing I can’t and have to fall back on my family and friends to comfort me. I’m like one of those poor morons in the cartoons, dreaming about flying and then jumping off a cliff thinking they actually can fly. God made me this way, so when can I just shut up and learn to accept who I am?
tranquility ; 4/04/2007 04:01:00 pm.
2.4.07
", 生长在水里的蜗牛叫水牛. o.O"whee~HELLO(:
okiedokes what to talk abt today!
ok start with the funny bits ba!
was walking home with jamie today after school and i couldnt help opening a book i just borrowed from the library and reading small sections of it, just to get a feel of what it's gonna be like.
then jamie was like:
dont read while u're walking!it's bad for your eyes...
and i was feeling v.indignant for some reasons and just retorted without thinking:
im not
reading! im just
looking at the words...
>"<
urpps.
hahaha yea that was lame but i wasnt really thinking.
then the other stupid thing that happened was at the dinner table.
and we were having mussels.
mum insisted u could eat the whole thing, with all that black disgusting looking stuffs.
and i said u couldnt.
even when u eat water snails, u need to leave out the end of it coz it's not edible there.
thats when i said the headline of today's post.
hahh.
read it carefully again if u havent yet got the joke.
^-^
yepp ok so anyway.
ohoh good news!!
i got Excellence for creative writing internal assessment(:
i was sooo nervous when tchr was handing out paper.
coz only 15% of the class (meaning 4 ppl) got Excellences and majority got Not Achieved...
to me, this Excellence is more than just an E.
it's proof for myself and a sign from God that writing is indeed sth i can perform well in and i have been blessed with this talent for a purpose in Him.
i am still searching and praying for answers.
there are many careers and fields in which writing is useful.
im not sure where to go yet.
but im sure He will lead and guide me(:
whee~
suki is becoming such a good boy.
he gets too hyper and hard to control occassionally.
but thats fine.
i just snarl at him and then beg for forgiveness ^-^
he's becoming a handsome little fella too!
white and black gleaming coat, always standing tall with his head cocked and ears perked up.
ahhh~
i've decided my future bf shld look like suki.
HAHAHA.
yayy i can see the shining full moon and it's making me highhhh!!!
yepyep daily QT still going well.
and im taking up more roles in the YG.
keyboardist for this wk's YG worship and singer2 for next wk.
and then im down for keyboard duties several times during the camp and one singer2 duty.
whoo...gotta memo all the lyrics and learn the songs!
not to mention learn the keyboard, which isnt too different from piano so shld be fine(:
yayy today is a happy day coz only 3 more days before 2wks break!! ^0^
tmr i shall put up a list of To Dos for the holidays.
till then,
keep the smiles turned on, ppl!! :D
tranquility ; 4/02/2007 05:08:00 pm.
30.4.07
", who said teddy is a bear? i say he's a piggy! XD"my first un-emo post since many days! ^0^
hmm yea after i read TP's email and meditated on the matter that was bothering me, i feel lighter and happier now.
no i havent found a solution or answer, but i know i will, sooner or later(:
okok so whats happening in sch now?
firstly, mid yrs coming up in 2 wks time!
mainly for english and maths.
and badminton teams shld be playing soon, so thats good.
coz i can almost feel the fat accumulating in me = ="
it's not funny, i've gained 2 kg (give and take) since coming here!! ><"
good thing teddy's getting fat too! XD
or so he claims... but that makes two of us!
:P
the topic of formal (aka prom, in sg) is becoming increasingly hot in sch now.
the yr12 girls especially are busy discussing what to wear, who to go with, to go or not to go...
and alot of them are hoping to go with a yr13 guy to their graduation prom (which is held later than the yr12 formal).
hahh.
so what else is new.
u must understand that here in a western country, the formal is like an official date to announce and introduce ur bf/gf (or someone u like) to other ppl.
so like, yea...
it's a bigggg thing.
sheesh who cares!
i told teddy im going to stay home that night and chat with him on msn(:
ohoh OMG.
someone added me on friendster and she's my long lost p.sch buddy!!!
YOGHURT!!
thats what we used to call her, somehow XD
cute name, just like her.
she used to be a real tomboy, but now she's in dance and it feels really cool?
awesome~
aww gee.. wish i can meet her again.
and jovial and tracy and amy..
they were my biggest supporters when i first started writing stories.
ok now im more than determined to save up and buy my own plane ticket back to sg at the end of this yr!!
tranquility ; 4/30/2007 05:17:00 pm.
", who said teddy is a bear? i say he's a piggy! XD"my first un-emo post since many days! ^0^
hmm yea after i read TP's email and meditated on the matter that was bothering me, i feel lighter and happier now.
no i havent found a solution or answer, but i know i will, sooner or later(:
okok so whats happening in sch now?
firstly, mid yrs coming up in 2 wks time!
mainly for english and maths.
and badminton teams shld be playing soon, so thats good.
coz i can almost feel the fat accumulating in me = ="
it's not funny, i've gained 2 kg (give and take) since coming here!! ><"
good thing teddy's getting fat too! XD
or so he claims... but that makes two of us!
:P
the topic of formal (aka prom, in sg) is becoming increasingly hot in sch now.
the yr12 girls especially are busy discussing what to wear, who to go with, to go or not to go...
and alot of them are hoping to go with a yr13 guy to their graduation prom (which is held later than the yr12 formal).
hahh.
so what else is new.
u must understand that here in a western country, the formal is like an official date to announce and introduce ur bf/gf (or someone u like) to other ppl.
so like, yea...
it's a bigggg thing.
sheesh who cares!
i told teddy im going to stay home that night and chat with him on msn(:
ohoh OMG.
someone added me on friendster and she's my long lost p.sch buddy!!!
YOGHURT!!
thats what we used to call her, somehow XD
cute name, just like her.
she used to be a real tomboy, but now she's in dance and it feels really cool?
awesome~
aww gee.. wish i can meet her again.
and jovial and tracy and amy..
they were my biggest supporters when i first started writing stories.
ok now im more than determined to save up and buy my own plane ticket back to sg at the end of this yr!!
tranquility ; 4/30/2007 05:17:00 pm.
28.4.07
", the sun is shining in my world.!"these few days it's been raining and the skies are cloudy and grey.
but my world is sunny.
but when i think abt us going to universities, i get really sad.
i dont know whats gonna happen in the future and even though i say i gladly follow God's will, it still takes patience and faith to figure out where He wants me to go and what to do next.
in case u're thinking the wrong thing, jenny is not in any relationship except for friendship.
whats happening is...
well, there's this guy in church whom i met abt 4 mths ago.
basically.. well, yea, he sort of caught my attn.
so that period of time when i got all depressed and emo on the blog?
earlier this yr?
yea, it's coz of him.
i didnt know what i was feeling.
and i felt really lost.
and the frustrating thing was, he never seem to ever look at girls.
or expressed any emotions.
or any thoughts.
he's like a typical sports geek who studies real hard.
these 4 mths have been a bumpy emotional roller coaster ride.
sometimes i feel like we have sth special in our friendship.
sometimes i dont.
then after camp, which was only last wk, it happened.
it happened just a few nights ago actually.
we were talking on msn and he made it clear who he likes.
and i told him how i felt too.
so that night, two ppl were deliriously happy.
thing is, i dont think this is just a casual crush or liking.
we're both serious.
i know thats what every teenage couple says, but we both love God and we both want to do whats right as good christians.
we both want to build each other up and we both know now's not the time.
so in a way, i dont like to classify this as a teenage crush.
it's funny really...
half a yr ago, yulan gave me a book called Boy Meets Girl, which talks abt dating and stuff, from a christian's p.o.v.
at that time i read it and felt v.inspired, but at the same time, thought, "gosh, thats not gonna happen to me, is it? like find a guy who really loves God, his family and friends, and me?"
but now it's happened.
and TP's really happy for me.
so are u guys.
but then... what now?
he's going to university next yr, probably remaining in christchurch.
and me, im going to university the yr after next, most definitely going out of christchurch.
im afraid, confused and worried.
i dont want all these to end before it even starts.
what is God's will for me?
what am i supposed to do?
i want to talk to my parents..
i tell them everything..
but bgr matters are so complicated.
i dont know if they will understand.
because this time... it's different.
i dont think there's anyone else i know who is in my situation...
good friends who like each other and both parties know it...
they pray together, share problems, respect each other physically and emotionally...
yet they arent in a relationship...
God, pls guide me in this matter.
im going to talk to the youth counsellor in church abt this soon.
guide me and help me know what to say to her.
Amen.
tranquility ; 4/28/2007 05:27:00 pm.
26.4.07
", 我的爱和未来. dreams really do come true."thanks boy for telling me all that last night.
it was good you found the courage to finally tell me how u feel.
and vice versa.
we're both really happy now(:
stupidly happy.
it seems so innocent and immature right now, our feelings.
but we both love God, and like u said, He will lead the way.
as for me, i believe His plans are the best ones.
i submit everything into His hands and im not too worried whats going to happen to us eventually.
but we will walk on the path of righteous, together, even if just for now.
thank you Lord, for helping me find the courage to face up to my own feelings, to seek Your Will in my decisions and thank you for pointing me in the right direction.
my life has never been so good.
but i know Satan will try and ruin it for everyone.
so i continue praying for your merciful guidance and blessing hand upon us sinners.
forgive us our sins, in thought, word and deed.
renew us and change us so that we may be truly like u.
amen.
tranquility ; 4/26/2007 06:23:00 pm.
24.4.07
", not by my Will, but by Yours."stupid camp.
changed everything.
i'm truly happy that we can talk face to face now, instead of just hiding behind the computer screen...
im really glad that on the last day we could goof around naturally and not feel awkward.
it confirmed the friendship we have and now i know...
you are real.
it started with what they call love at first sight.
but it grew and deepened.
and i believe u feel it too.
but neither of us is saying anything.
thats alright.
im just thankful that both of us acknowledge the immense trust we have between us.
i want u to know, that i thank God for u.
but now there's someone else getting involved.
he's a very sad soul.
he's been through alot on his journey for true love.
i dont want to be a murderer.
a murderer who killed someone's last streak of hope for a better tomorrow.
i was the one who told him he would find someone better.
i was there as a good friend to support him that fateful night, when the one with him shld've been her.
but this isnt how i want things to turn out.
on one hand, u're being very silent and reserved.
on the other hand, he's going to keep advancing and it's hard to miss the signals he's sending.
both of you are really great.
both of you have got brains, sensitivity, the willingness to listen more and speak less...
he's a music talent and academic genius.
composer of the 2 theme songs for this yr's camp.
and student of 5 accelerated classes.
u are a pro in badminton.
probably one of the star players in the sch team.
and u use ur brains and wits in everything u do.
i dont want a choice.
sometimes no choice is the best choice.
i pray to God.
i know His plans are to prosper us.
i know all these will work for the best of all of us.
after all, we're all followers of Christ.
Dear Lord,
thank you for answering my prayers made before the camp.
you have strengthened me and given me answers to the questions in my heart.
im sure this change of events is planned and under ur control.
i pray for patience and a good heart to stay focused on u and let nth distract me.
shine light on the devil's temptations so that i may see them and avoid them.
help me stay on the path of righteousness and faithfulness to You.
the future is in ur hands i know.
knowing this, i have no fear and no worry.
i pray u bless all the hearts who love you.
and forgive us all for our transgressions.
Amen.
tranquility ; 4/24/2007 05:41:00 pm.
12.4.07
", to all my besties out there, i wish for true love to always prevail, where ever u are.!"i never really believed in "friends forever".
i knew ppl use it too casually and with too little expectations.
few ppl use it with sincerity.
but most importantly, it just never seemed possible to me, for friends to be forever.
to me, friends always seemed to be a passing wind.
sometimes a breeze, sometimes a gust, and sometimes they come with the storm.
but nevertheless, they pass after some time,
i believe God gives us two kinds of friends.
the first type comes into our lives when we need help or simply need a friend, or not, depending on the situation.
these are the friends who make an impact on our lives at that time and then we never hear of them again.
the second type stays with us for a longer time in comparison.
they dont make such a big difference in the short run, but at the end of the day, we see the significance of such lasting friendships.
this doesn not mean the second type of friends is more superior or better quality than the first.
it simply differs according to the will of God and the role each of us plays in the life of another.
friends have a purpose in our lives, each one of them, just like we have a purpose in our friends' lives.
of coz, there will be times when casual strangers stroll past us and we call them our hi-bye friends.
and they have a purpose too.
so anyway, today, i want to remember those friends who had made an impact on me while i was in sg, and at that time were very significant to me (still are now), yet now not so close anymore.
i want to remember these friends who changed me in small and big ways, and i wish them all the best wherever they are now.
this is not the complete list, i'll be adding more as i rmb.
those not included here could mean two things:
1) we were never so close until we shared heart felt problems, to begin with.
2) we were close and still are.
-------------------------------------
Jiamin:My lower primary bestie.
She was the first christian i ever met and showed me what it meant to be a dutiful christian.
In a way, God first made contact with me through her.
BeeHoon&gang:Class monitress of my p4 class.
she and her groupies made me feel v.welcomed as a new kid in CHIJ(BT), after i transferred there from Qifa.
They were all faithful catholics and attempted to bring me to catholic classes.
another attempt from God to reach me, but failed at that time.
i remained a free thinker.
TheDGS:mel, gill&shani.
only mel and shani started out as christian and catholic respectively.
the four of us were a clique and we have a huge secret no one shall ever know.
praise the Lord, all four of us are baptised and believers of Christ this day.
the magic has indeed worked.
GirlsOfTheSwing:pz, hf, yv and dx.
i rmb the times when we used to sit on the swing in nanyang and talk abt everything under the sun, sharing chips (or not = =) and occassionally pushing someone off coz only 4 ppl can get on.
yv is from a good catholic family, and although she made no attempt to convert me, i still thank God for planting a believer among my friends.
Shaun&Mark:we've been through alot.
we met in a rather unconventional way and the two of you opened my eyes to a world i never knew - a world probably more real than the one im living in.
i wasted a lot of time, i know.
things could've been better.
but i've learnt and grown, thanks to you two.
one was a brother to me, another a good friend.
no one can ever replace the memories i have of you two and i'll always rmb the day when we all met at the bus stop for the first time.
things didnt end on a good note for one of us, but still, i wont forget you guys.
be well.
Haowen:one of the dear daoshis of hcmc yf.
when i first knew him, i didnt think much of this chap and i wasnt too thrilled when he was appointed my mentor in the yf exco.
time proved me wrong and i saw his servant's heart and willingness to serve and obey.
i rmb the many times when i bombard him with qns abt the christian faith and bible and he was always serious and sincere in answering.
he would research and ask other daoshis in order to give me the best possible answer.
he was also my unofficial math tutor nearing my sec4 eoys.
he would be there during the study grps and he could always solve any math qn thrown at him.
i also rmb my 16th bday last yr.
it was very significant to me and i was incredibly anxious that day.
i had invited seriously all the friends i had.
i invited the DGs, the yfers, sixers... just abt any friend from all parts of my life.
it was the biggest party i ever self organised and i was losing faith in myself and God.
but haowen turned up with his guitar and i knew nth could go wrong.
and nth did.
Nicholas:my emo binny for a period of time.
he never told me everything abt himself and till today i feel i know little abt him.
but during that time when i was uncertain abt my own identity, he was there (on msn = =), ready to listen to my rants.
he was the only one who saw the real side of me, the complaining, rude, short tempered me.
and he accepted this friend nevertheless.
i've changed now, nicholas, into a better person i hope.
and im happy with who i am now.
thank you for believing in me and teaching me self acceptance.
Coco:you are one of the few girls who know almost everything abt me.
i'll always rmb that night at the chalet when we talked till midnight and you supported me while i made that difficult decision to call someone.
it's a pity it all had to end just as we were getting to know each other.
time is against us and it's no one's fault that we dont know whats happening to one another now.
but still, i wish you all the best in whatever u're facing now, and whoever is with u now.
God bless and guide you, my dear friend.
Junan:lion man with a kid's heart.
i rmb the trip to balai; i rmb the outing at sentosa; i rmb the times when u were leading bible study when i first joined hcmc yf.
those were hilarious times becoz u were there with ur sense of lameness.
i didnt really share alot of my problems with u, but i told u my past once, and u're one of the few who know.
im not sure how far things have progressed between you and someone, but i wish u happiness and blessing all the same.
may God use u to bless and enlighten lost souls in the christian faith.
thanks for being such a good brother while i needed one.
Zhixuan:I rmb discussing politics and worldly issues with u through email and on msn.
those times made me feel grown up and i learnt alot from u.
i rmb how u used to tell me on msn to get off and go study.
and i rmb how u take God's work and words really seriously.
sometimes u're like the big brother i never had, and other times u're a daoshi of the church.
and then for the rest of the times, u're a really good friend who made me realise what are the more impt things in life.
i know u will go on to do great things for God.
Yulan:i like to call her my angel and benefactor.
she pulled me out of the dark times and directed me towards light.
God has been working to reach me and touch my heart all my life, and he suceeded through this lady.
yulan, i know how difficult things get for u, and it's probably not even half of what i imagine, for God's work is never easy.
but u have a good heart and i know He will bless u.
i pray that u'll have emotional and spiritual strength in ur work, also physical strength, and may all who get to know u be blessed as well.
Gloria:i still rmb what u told me after my bday party last yr, at the sidegate of my condo.
have faith in the way u were created, dear girl.
i hope u're happier now in a new environment.
i wont forget ur sophisticated ways with language and music.
i hope when we next meet, u'll be a more secure person with plenty of good friends.
god bless.
tranquility ; 4/12/2007 04:03:00 pm.
9.4.07
", thank you for the cross, my friend."term 1 break now.
woots.
i've got an entire wk to myself before i head off for church youth camp for the second wk of the hols, next wk.
hmm sorry for my long absence from this blog.
was in a deep emo pit for some time.
stuffs kept coming up and i had trouble being emotionally stable.
so yea.
but things are pretty much alright now.
big thanks to those who went on emo binge with me:
peter, for listening to me despite his own problems and insecurities.
jason,
for always being so cool abt me unloading emo stuffs onto him.
amy, for saying she'll support me (even though she has no idea abt any of my problems).
vic, for being so sane and sensible whenever i need advise and someone to talk to.
TP, for doing email relays with me and forgiving me when im late in reply.
sixuan, for sharing with me her own problems and still remembering me when she's unhappy.
cheers, you ppl are the best(:
ok so now that happy jenny is back, i shall discuss some of the things i learnt during this emo period.
firstly, i realised i am still not spiritually strong enough to know what to do at certain times.
or what not to do.
the bible tells me to hold my tongue for it is wise to do so.
but many times, especially the past few wks, it has become increasingly difficult to do so, mainly because other ppl have been loading their own problems onto me and i found the need to talk to a listening ear.
i chose my confidantes carefully and im confident they will not spill the secrets.
however, it does not change the fact that i have in fact broken my promise to those friends with the problems of not telling others.
so here's a qn for you:
if i revealed the secrets of another to a friend
without any intention of spreading the news insensibly or gossip, but
purely out of need for spiritual support and help (and im positive my friend will not spill the beans), did i then go against the words of the bible?
also, in doing so, did i also betray the trust of those who confided in me?
this has been eating at my inner conscience but personally i feel that as long as my intentions do not stem from evil and foolishness, but rather, conveyed after much thought and consideration, i have done nth to be ashamed of.
in fact, i think if i tell those ppl who confided in me that i told their secrets to so-and-so, they would understand because they know that friend too and they trust him/her too.
(i put him/her because i have a few close friends whom i confide such things with.)
but anyway, im probably living in self-denial.
so do feel free to tag ur opinion and let me know what u think.
secondly, God has a way of making things better.
after a rather bad badminton session last night, i was positive my easter sunday night was screwed.
but eventually, my friends said some v.nice things on msn and i went to bed feeling cheered up and remained in a good mood for today ^-^
it is true indeed, in all that we do and experience, give thanks constantly and never lose faith in Him.
ok enough of the reflections.
mann it's so frustrating to type now coz dad has forced me to start learning to type the proper ways, using all ten fingers instead of four.
so im typing...... like...... v e r y slooooow....nooowww....
movie outing tmr!!
going to watch Mr Bean with the girl twins and jamie.
and possibly joyce too.
surfed the net for publishers today.
found 5 or 6 possible publishers so as soon as im done editing The Magicator for the last time, im gonna start sending the manuscript out and hopefully i'll get at least one publisher responding.
pray for me yes? ^-^
ok i'll post again soon.
this one's getting wee bit too long XD
BYE!
tranquility ; 4/09/2007 03:37:00 pm.
4.4.07
", i should just shut up and accept who i am."in case you dont know, i had badminton trial for A team today.
and in case you dont know even more, there are 4 sets of teams in any sports.
A, B, C and possible D.
in each set, there are 3 teams.
e.g. A1, A2 and A3.
in which, of coz, A1 would be the best and the A team being the best among all the teams.
therefore, you would understand it's not easy getting into A1.
oh and also, higher than A1, you have the premier team.
and below is a reflection i wrote soon after i arrived home from the trial.
it is deeply emo and depressing.
but kindda inspirational at the end?
so yea, do feel free to leave this blog now if you want to.
---------------------
Badminton trial was a horrible mess. Below is the list of emotions I had after that:
Angry – Because the trial was so disorganized and we weren’t given fair chances, plus I wasn’t able to perform my best because I was too used to warm up practices before any actual game. So my limbs didn’t cooperate with me. AND my shoes weren’t rubbery enough and I couldn’t run well coz kept slipping.
Embarrassed – Apparently the trial was for A1/premier ONLY and I thought it was a general trial for A teams. If I had known it earlier, I wouldn’t even have gone and let myself look like one of those kids who obviously know nth about badminton but still want to go anyway to show off whatever skills they think they have.
At the end, out of 20 over people, more than 10 were gathered and dismissed. “I think you guys are probably going to be in A2, A3, or a B team, but you’re not A1 and premier material. Thank you for coming *big smile* you may go home now.”
That’s when I knew about the trial being for A1/premier teams. I felt like kicking myself all the way home. Fancy wasting my own darn time to trial for sth even a fool knows he cant get.
Now I look just like the rest of the dismissed people – sad dejected bunch of people who should’ve known better what kind of “material” they are. But truth is, I don’t think I suck completely. And I detest being viewed as the same sort of people as the others (like another William Hung who went for sth he obviously wasn’t cut out for). I know I can do better, maybe not good enough to get into A1, but still not too badly until I have to be dismissed, which is why I’m angry too.
Apologetic – Because I was a nervous wreck and I think it affected Victoria’s performance. She said I was making her nervous too. In the end, she got dismissed with me. We were playing as a team all the way, so I feel really bad. She probably had a good chance but like I said, I screw things up for myself and everyone else around me. It’s just bad luck for Vicky to be playing with me.
Self pity – I pity myself for believing for a split second that I’m just like my dad – capable, confident and always ready. For a split second there I thought one day I could become successful like him. I would never let the people around me down, not even myself.
I’ve always been told I’m confident, because I’ve been brought up to be a confident kid. But I never really believed in anything I do, deep down inside. I never believed I could top the last calculus common test until the results came out; I never believed my Macbeth essay would be good enough to be chosen and read out in class; I never believed I’ll get Excellence for Classics practice qns twice in a row…but I did. I just never believed.
But today, just before the trial, for a split second there, I really did believe.
Which was a big foolish mistake. One should just stick to being who she really is. And one should never forget God. I learnt this important lesson today. I was too proud, too sure of what Jenny can do. I forgot whatever skills she has come from God, her good luck spills from His grace and love.
I was influenced by my friend and started criticizing some players; I forgot nothing can be accomplished if God isn’t with me; I didn’t humble myself and thought only of winning (because that’s apparently how they select people for A team, by looking at the scores).
God saw all these and forsake me purposefully to teach me a lesson. I don’t blame him. I’m glad of the reminder. I see now that the trial was so trivial compared to what I have learnt and what more I can accomplish in life in His name of love.
Still, it doesn’t change the fact that the trial was crushing for me emotionally. I remember thinking at the start of the trial, “I’m sure some of these people aren’t even as good as they claim to be.” And now I’m one of them.
But spiritually, I have grown a little bit more. And I hope this will help me overcome this little setback. Compared to eternity, this is nothing. God is trying to change me, and I will gladly let him, for this is what I’ve been praying for. But to tell you the truth, though I was prepared for anything in order to be transformed by God, I didn’t think it’ll hurt so much.
It’s not about me not getting into the best team; it’s not even about the trial itself. It’s about me always forgetting to who am I, thinking I can do this and that, then realizing I can’t and have to fall back on my family and friends to comfort me. I’m like one of those poor morons in the cartoons, dreaming about flying and then jumping off a cliff thinking they actually can fly. God made me this way, so when can I just shut up and learn to accept who I am?
tranquility ; 4/04/2007 04:01:00 pm.
2.4.07
", 生长在水里的蜗牛叫水牛. o.O"whee~HELLO(:
okiedokes what to talk abt today!
ok start with the funny bits ba!
was walking home with jamie today after school and i couldnt help opening a book i just borrowed from the library and reading small sections of it, just to get a feel of what it's gonna be like.
then jamie was like:
dont read while u're walking!it's bad for your eyes...
and i was feeling v.indignant for some reasons and just retorted without thinking:
im not
reading! im just
looking at the words...
>"<
urpps.
hahaha yea that was lame but i wasnt really thinking.
then the other stupid thing that happened was at the dinner table.
and we were having mussels.
mum insisted u could eat the whole thing, with all that black disgusting looking stuffs.
and i said u couldnt.
even when u eat water snails, u need to leave out the end of it coz it's not edible there.
thats when i said the headline of today's post.
hahh.
read it carefully again if u havent yet got the joke.
^-^
yepp ok so anyway.
ohoh good news!!
i got Excellence for creative writing internal assessment(:
i was sooo nervous when tchr was handing out paper.
coz only 15% of the class (meaning 4 ppl) got Excellences and majority got Not Achieved...
to me, this Excellence is more than just an E.
it's proof for myself and a sign from God that writing is indeed sth i can perform well in and i have been blessed with this talent for a purpose in Him.
i am still searching and praying for answers.
there are many careers and fields in which writing is useful.
im not sure where to go yet.
but im sure He will lead and guide me(:
whee~
suki is becoming such a good boy.
he gets too hyper and hard to control occassionally.
but thats fine.
i just snarl at him and then beg for forgiveness ^-^
he's becoming a handsome little fella too!
white and black gleaming coat, always standing tall with his head cocked and ears perked up.
ahhh~
i've decided my future bf shld look like suki.
HAHAHA.
yayy i can see the shining full moon and it's making me highhhh!!!
yepyep daily QT still going well.
and im taking up more roles in the YG.
keyboardist for this wk's YG worship and singer2 for next wk.
and then im down for keyboard duties several times during the camp and one singer2 duty.
whoo...gotta memo all the lyrics and learn the songs!
not to mention learn the keyboard, which isnt too different from piano so shld be fine(:
yayy today is a happy day coz only 3 more days before 2wks break!! ^0^
tmr i shall put up a list of To Dos for the holidays.
till then,
keep the smiles turned on, ppl!! :D
tranquility ; 4/02/2007 05:08:00 pm.
