4.4.07
", i should just shut up and accept who i am."in case you dont know, i had badminton trial for A team today.
and in case you dont know even more, there are 4 sets of teams in any sports.
A, B, C and possible D.
in each set, there are 3 teams.
e.g. A1, A2 and A3.
in which, of coz, A1 would be the best and the A team being the best among all the teams.
therefore, you would understand it's not easy getting into A1.
oh and also, higher than A1, you have the premier team.
and below is a reflection i wrote soon after i arrived home from the trial.
it is deeply emo and depressing.
but kindda inspirational at the end?
so yea, do feel free to leave this blog now if you want to.
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Badminton trial was a horrible mess. Below is the list of emotions I had after that:
Angry – Because the trial was so disorganized and we weren’t given fair chances, plus I wasn’t able to perform my best because I was too used to warm up practices before any actual game. So my limbs didn’t cooperate with me. AND my shoes weren’t rubbery enough and I couldn’t run well coz kept slipping.
Embarrassed – Apparently the trial was for A1/premier ONLY and I thought it was a general trial for A teams. If I had known it earlier, I wouldn’t even have gone and let myself look like one of those kids who obviously know nth about badminton but still want to go anyway to show off whatever skills they think they have.
At the end, out of 20 over people, more than 10 were gathered and dismissed. “I think you guys are probably going to be in A2, A3, or a B team, but you’re not A1 and premier material. Thank you for coming *big smile* you may go home now.”
That’s when I knew about the trial being for A1/premier teams. I felt like kicking myself all the way home. Fancy wasting my own darn time to trial for sth even a fool knows he cant get.
Now I look just like the rest of the dismissed people – sad dejected bunch of people who should’ve known better what kind of “material” they are. But truth is, I don’t think I suck completely. And I detest being viewed as the same sort of people as the others (like another William Hung who went for sth he obviously wasn’t cut out for). I know I can do better, maybe not good enough to get into A1, but still not too badly until I have to be dismissed, which is why I’m angry too.
Apologetic – Because I was a nervous wreck and I think it affected Victoria’s performance. She said I was making her nervous too. In the end, she got dismissed with me. We were playing as a team all the way, so I feel really bad. She probably had a good chance but like I said, I screw things up for myself and everyone else around me. It’s just bad luck for Vicky to be playing with me.
Self pity – I pity myself for believing for a split second that I’m just like my dad – capable, confident and always ready. For a split second there I thought one day I could become successful like him. I would never let the people around me down, not even myself.
I’ve always been told I’m confident, because I’ve been brought up to be a confident kid. But I never really believed in anything I do, deep down inside. I never believed I could top the last calculus common test until the results came out; I never believed my Macbeth essay would be good enough to be chosen and read out in class; I never believed I’ll get Excellence for Classics practice qns twice in a row…but I did. I just never believed.
But today, just before the trial, for a split second there, I really did believe.
Which was a big foolish mistake. One should just stick to being who she really is. And one should never forget God. I learnt this important lesson today. I was too proud, too sure of what Jenny can do. I forgot whatever skills she has come from God, her good luck spills from His grace and love.
I was influenced by my friend and started criticizing some players; I forgot nothing can be accomplished if God isn’t with me; I didn’t humble myself and thought only of winning (because that’s apparently how they select people for A team, by looking at the scores).
God saw all these and forsake me purposefully to teach me a lesson. I don’t blame him. I’m glad of the reminder. I see now that the trial was so trivial compared to what I have learnt and what more I can accomplish in life in His name of love.
Still, it doesn’t change the fact that the trial was crushing for me emotionally. I remember thinking at the start of the trial, “I’m sure some of these people aren’t even as good as they claim to be.” And now I’m one of them.
But spiritually, I have grown a little bit more. And I hope this will help me overcome this little setback. Compared to eternity, this is nothing. God is trying to change me, and I will gladly let him, for this is what I’ve been praying for. But to tell you the truth, though I was prepared for anything in order to be transformed by God, I didn’t think it’ll hurt so much.
It’s not about me not getting into the best team; it’s not even about the trial itself. It’s about me always forgetting to who am I, thinking I can do this and that, then realizing I can’t and have to fall back on my family and friends to comfort me. I’m like one of those poor morons in the cartoons, dreaming about flying and then jumping off a cliff thinking they actually can fly. God made me this way, so when can I just shut up and learn to accept who I am?
tranquility ; 4/04/2007 04:01:00 pm.
