28.5.07
", the sweetness in this bitterness."so much happened ytd.
it changed everything.
but i guess it was a reminder from God that we must always be patient and trust in Him.
and never forget that He is always in control of all situations, good and bad.
i cant say im sad now.
but im not exactly as happy as before.
lets just say that im humbled and broken inside once again,
becoz of what the Lord has done.
this time He didn't shower His blessings upon teddy and me directly.
it was good at first, but then things took a turn and ended up rather horribly.
we were both emo-ing last night,
becoz reality struck us and we realised we may eventually still have to split.
it was as i feared all along.
that things may end before they even started.
basically, my parents made it clear they hoped for me to try for a scholarship to america.
they believe i have the potential and to waste it would be a disappointment to God.
they think im trying to take the easiest way out by choosing to go to UC.
so at that time, i felt so crushed as i realised i cant go on being so emotionally attached to teddy.
i felt guilty and a strong desire to be a full time geek so that my parents have nth more to complain abt.
i txted teddy and we both agreed we would take a step back in our feelings and go back to being incredibly normal friends.
we would go on a long long journey seperately,
a journey of waiting and persistent prayer.
and eventually, hopefully, we will meet again.
it felt terribly like a break up,
except there's nth to break in the first place.
we've always just been friends,
only the emotions were complicated.
today, i knew things would be different between us.
and they are.
the barrier is back again.
and im not pinning this on my parents.
i admit i feel disappointed, maybe even angry, with teddy,
becoz he's so willing to take back his feelings and seal them up until its safe to release them again.
i know its not easy for him, but he's willing to cooperate.
but then now...
perhaps the Holy Spirit is working in me,
but i feel suddenly relieved.
immensely relieved and somewhat happy.
we are friends again.
no more emotional responsibilities,
no more late night calls that sacrifice sleep or study time,
no more chiding from parents coz of our cellphone bills,
no more hiding or sneaking around when we meet in church.
it's not like it was bad when our feelings for each other was wide and open,
but becoz of our duties in our seperate lives,
we have to handle our parents, studies, friends...
and it gets mentality and emotionally draining for us to unofficially be "more than friends".
we were never in a relationship, i should make this clear.
we never did anything to dishonour our parents.
now that we both have put some restrain on our feelings,
and set out clear guidelines to what we can/can not do,
it feels so much easier and lighter.
we're both waiting and praying.
our feelings are still there.
but for now,
due to the circumstances,
we choose to harness our feelings and turn it into sth good.
like a driving force that moves us forward,
spiritually together.
i dont know what the ending for us will be like.
but i feel God has spoken to me today.
i fasted and prayed this morning,
becoz i felt so in need and desperate.
i read Proverbs 30 and i prayed for 20mins.
then i went to sch and met my prayer buddy agnis during study period.
she was thoughtful all the time, after i told her abt my problem with my parents and asked for her to pray for me.
eventually she turned to me and said sth so incredibly amazing and beautiful that i wanted to leap up and scream with excitement:
"Jenny, i had a dream last night... sort of like a dream...
i was praying for u, and many other ppl, and a name came into my head,
as though God was speaking to me.
"and i was just wondering...
the guy u like...
his name is not ____, is it...?"
she did say teddy's actual name,
and i was so amazed my jaw dropped.
i have NEVER told her ANYTHING abt teddy,
except that i like someone.
and yet she heard his name while she was praying for me.
when i confirmed the name that she had heard was the name of the guy i like,
she looked so happy i wanted to hug her.
"i was so afraid to ask u,
coz im worried that if the name is wrong...
then it probably came from the devil!"
then she looked at me, smiled, and said:
"dont worry Jenny...
i think you two will be fine."
and with those words,
my mood changed completely
and my entire day was all right.
one can argue what "you two will be fine" means.
does it mean we'll end up together?
i think thats not impt.
impt thing is, God is with us.
and whatever the ending is,
we will both be happy,
even if it is seperation.
it is a journey with an uncertain end.
and when the two of us reach the end of the journey,
we may not find each other there.
but while we're still on the journey,
i at least intend to make the best out of it.
this is truly sweetness in bitterness.
to friendship,
CHEERS.
tranquility ; 5/28/2007 04:03:00 pm.
