22.5.07
", the stars were watching."God has a way of making life more surprising and entertaining than any tv shows.
He works in ways we cannot see and lead us in every footstep into His plans for us, from small to big.
that night teddy and i talked while the stars watched us.
it's the first time we ever talked in real life,
just two of us.
and standing side by side.
(well technically he was sitting and i was standing next to him)
he wasn't feeling happy,
a good friend made him angry.
i prayed and thanked God for giving me the courage to go find him.
i thanked God for making everything out of nothing that night.
we had lost hopes but He proved himself yet again to be faithful.
because of what happened,
i am determined to pursue an even closer relationship with God.
i've finally picked up the book A Young Woman's Call To Prayer
and it will teach me to pray.
i want to know God's will for me in this matter
and i believe learning to pray wholeheartedly and sincerely will help me.
i have had a change of heart regarding which univ to go to.
but i dont know if this change is from the Lord,
or from selfish wants.
last night i talked with teddy again,
and as usual, he was very honest with me abt his feelings.
he wants to go to University of Canterbury (UC) to study electric engineering.
and he says he hopes i would go there too,
but he knows it's just a selfish want.
coz my dad hopes for me to go to america/england.
but somehow... now... i dont want to leave either.
im not just staying because of teddy.
like i said, it's a sudden change of heart.
i read the study guide and info from UC,
and it really does seem to have a promising arts and fine arts course.
something is telling me im meant to go to UC.
seriously, i know some of you will think, "yea right who does she think she's kidding? she's got to be feeling that way coz of that guy..."
fine, think that way.
i've been through so much these past few mths that i honestly dont care what other ppl think and say anymore.
our conscience is clear.
we have maintained a healthy level of friendship despite how we feel,
and we have not let this strange friendship distract us from our studies.
the more serious issue he raised last night was the question of how long we can maintain this friendship.. how much longer can we endure this secrecy and undefined relationship.
it's easy to say take it easy,
be friends first and get to know the other person.
but we've been there done that.
we have developed a rapport and it's like we know what each other is feeling and thinking.
when we talk, it's not just surface things like,
oh how was ur day?
nice weather today eh..
my tchr/friend/parent did this and that today..
we actually discuss abt the future and our lives and the relationships we have with friends and family.
that good friend who annoyed him asked me sth:
do u guys have, like, the same personality?
(coz he was suspecting sth going on between us)
i said not really...
but inside i was thinking,
but our personalities are complementary.
he knows what to do and say to make me feel better,
and he knows how to handle my personality,
unlike some guys are know who are either too sticky or too cold.
so last night when he raised the issue of going into a relationship,
(it took him pretty long to get the words out and meaning across,
that shy kid XD)
i was actually really glad he took initiative to bring up the subject because i've been wanting to discuss it properly with him.
we dont want to rush,
but we dont want to sneak around and hide things from our parents either.
he's ready, i can tell,
but im being held back by my past..
i told him abt what happened to me 2yrs ago,
that i went to church after that becoz of what a church counsellor did for me.
(and that church counsellor is probably reading this right now,
i'll just like to thank her again for her patience with me back then)
he was very understanding,
and his honesty gave me courage.
but still,
the past has scarred me more than i realise.
im scared to even acknowledge the words "i love u".
im scared to even try to understand the concept of "love".
i start questioning myself how mature i am really.
and i wonder if im ready now.
i thought i was ready, 2yrs ago.
i thought i could handle a relationship and my studies at the same time.
i thought i found love.
i thought one guy could feel up the emptiness in my life.
mum wrote me a note at that time:
"it's not that i dont want u to go into a relationship,
im just worried your small shoulders are not strong enough,
to handle the committment and responsibilities that come with it,
and that you're too young to know what is love."
now, 2yrs later,
those words keep coming back to me.
i have been happy for a yr after that,
i found friends in school and church,
and i found God.
so for one year i didnt give my past a single thought.
now im forced to confront it once again.
have i matured?
are my shoulders stronger now?
do i have a clearer idea now what is love?
do i know better what kind of guy is suitable for me?
i dont know,
i want to say yes to all.
coz i feel like i do.
but i really dont know.
maybe im just living in self denial.
maybe i am still the same kid i was, 2yrs ago.
but here are the things that make me feel like this time it's different from 2yrs ago:
*
teddy is real, not virtual,
we met in a church social outing and we started off as friends.
*i didnt know God 2yrs ago, but
now i do,
and im praying for His guidance in this matter everyday.
*i feel that this is a relationship that can
glorify the Lord,
because both parties pray and wait patiently together.
*
my dad knows him personally and likes him,
and vice versa with his mum and me.
*so far, a mth since we confessed our feelings,
our studies have not gone slack at all.
*our
good friends in church who know abt us
approve of our relationship.
*we can
communicate well and speak each other's mind.
*
teddy does not make me cry;
he makes me feel blessed.
*
we went through a time of inner struggle and self questioning regarding our feelings before letting one another know abt it.
therefore this is not an infatuation or crush.
*
God seems to be helping us in small and big ways,
drawing us closer together.
(or is this another self denial?
is this just my own wishful thinking again?
why would God help us if, eventually, His plan for us is to seperate?)
i told teddy i want to give us a chance,
to give it a shot.
but im scared.
i havent gotten over my past yet.
i dont want to fall and hurt myself again.
im unsure of myself.
i dont hope to go into any relationship now,
but i hope maybe next yr, or end of this yr.
he said he would never hurry or force me into this,
he will wait until im ready.
i trust him,
and i trust God.
but i dont trust myself to know what to do.
it sounds ironic.
but i really am thinking a lot abt this.
thats why i need all the prayer help i can get.
im not gonna allow myself to get depressed/stressed abt this.
teddy is a blessing from God,
no matter what satan is up to,
i will only want God's will for me,
for us.
i will be patient, and give thanksgiving.
i will persevere in my prayers and seek for answers in the Lord.
i will not let my normal life be affected becoz of this.
i will not let history repeat itself.
after i get over my past,
there's still the matter of our parents.
as like many other,
they believe high school focus shld be on studies,
and a relationship is a definite NO.
but like teddy says,
if both parties are willing and prepared,
and both mature enough to know their priorities,
then why not?
they also say we shld only get into that when we're in univ,
coz we're not mature enough in high sch to know what we want.
but then i have an argument for that...
if "Univiersity" is the standard to measure how mature we are to get involved in a relationship,
then since australia kids go to univ at age 17 and here we go to univ at 18,
does that mean the kids there are a yr more mature and ready than us for bgr?
to be honest,
many univ students have messed up relationships.
age shld not matter when it comes to relationships.
maturity differs with everyone.
i dont know if the two of us are mature enough now,
but i know to say we cannot go into a relationship becoz we are still in high sch is a lame reason.
i hope to first overcome my past now,
then talk to my parents with him.
i dont know how we're gonna do it,
but we'll manage.
God is our defender and witness to our trials.
i believe everything will work out fine eventually(:
tranquility ; 5/22/2007 10:01:00 am.
