15.11.07
", to hell with my CV;"it's still the same.
nothing has changed.
with dad i mean.
last night we went to the prize giving ceremony of Burnside High, 2007.
which is funny,
coz the students havent taken the eoys yet.
so the prizes were based on the sch prelims,
or sth.
either way,
apparently i didnt do well enough to earn myself a prize.
big deal.
dad asked if i was disappointed,
yes, duh, of course.
why wouldnt i be?
i tried my best,
i gave it a good shot,
i got results to be proud of.
but still.
it wasnt good enough.
it never will be,
will it?
thats the way things are.
i can try forever,
but never gain any recognition.
sure,
God sees and He knows,
He will reward me one day.
but i'm living in a practical world.
its just hard to take failure.
oh have i mentioned?
some time ago,
i sent out my manuscipt to 4 NZ publishers,
3 have rejected it
and 1 probably didnt even get it.
so yea.
im a failure through and through.
i've never really achieved anything.
dad says lots of younger kids see me as a role model,
because of me,
they have taken up writing, piano and sports of all kinds.
im flattered,
really.
but they shouldnt.
honestly.
if i think abt it,
i really havent achieved anything.
name me one u can think of.
PSLE top 10 in sch?
yes, well,
there was only one EM1 class in my p.sch.
out of 30 kids,
how hard is it to be in the top10?
sec 3 chosen for BSP and IP?
again, probablility was high.
many kids, yes,
but many places too.
so no surprises there.
singing and dancing talents?
if u even consider me to have those.
i just love dancing and took some lessons,
im no pro.
and singing?
put me with a toad
and we'll make some harmony.
publishing a book?
that was just a crappy online publisher,
u can give them rubbish and they'll publish it.
and btw,
may i add that i havent sold a single copy
except the ones i bought myself?
yf exco '06?
in case u havent noticed,
there werent a lot of candidates that yr.
i dont even know why i got chosen,
probably coz i aced the bible quiz or sth.
so what.
it just shows im a proven nerd.
yf exco '08 (in NZ)?
again, not many good candidates,
i was just highly sociable
and read the bible more often than the average Christian teen.
shortly after i got elected,
i heard that some girls werent happy with my win.
so much for general support.
hmm what elese?
ohyes, 3rd place in yr 12 Design?
to be honest,
i didnt like my own work much.
my tchr just liked it coz apparently its David Carson style,
who btw is a bigshot designer of some sort.
and so what if i got 3rd?
there were only prizes for 1st and 2nd places.
and whatelse?
ohright, full Excellences in my Media sch prelim papers?
yes i admit,
im proud of that.
but again,
it wasnt good enough was it?
didnt get a prize for that either.
and full Excellences for Classical Studies too?
yesyes.
but as usual,
not good enough.
so there u go.
what a complete screw up.
nth to my name at all.
and if i do have any achievements,
it's not mine,
it's God's.
i can never achieve anything by my own abilities,
that i have to say.
it's becoming quite depressing these days,
thinking abt my achievements (or lack of them),
and what i've done to actually make my parents proud.
it's been ages since i went onstage to receive any prize,
the last time being in p.sch.
sometimes it feels like im doing better and better in life,
but then again,
i wonder what exactly have i been doing better in.
i havent earned any credits,
i havent wowed anyone with any works,
i havent even managed to save a soul for Jesus.
"i dont need the sch's recognition," i told dad.
and i really dont.
i feel like i've done my best.
i prayed and relied not on my strength,
but on His power.
im proud of my results,
and thats the end of it.
i dont give two hoots abt prizes.
but thats not what he said.
ohno.
he had to go on.
"that's where u're wrong!
sch recognition is what u need for ur CV!!
the prizes u get in sch will be recorded down!"
oh bullocks.
seriously.
to hell with my CV.
i've worked so hard over the yrs,
always thinking abt my CV.
and where has it got me?
nowhere.
and kids who dont even know what CV is,
they're the ones getting prizes for God knows what.
and half of those who got prizes last night dont even know what it means to be stressed.
its unfair,
but who am i to complain?
like dad says,
do i question the fairness of the sch in the judging?
yes,
i do,
but i know i shldnt.
the sch's always fair,
isnt it?
its always right.
the ones who go on stage are always the best
and forever will be.
brilliant,
really,
im just so enlightened now.
note the deep sarcasm in my tone pls.
im not a sore loser,
really im not.
i dont deny the results of the prize winners.
all im saying is,
there are some things
that cannot be measured by results
or prizes.
things like character.
hardwork.
determination.
motivation.
PRAYERS.
these are more impt,
and not enough recognition are given to them.
im not saying i have those qualities,
im just saying that i think prizes and results are way overrated.
way over.
and CV?
read my lips:
I DONT CARE.
ANYMORE.
im sick and tired
of the world's way of measuring one's capabilities.
what abt those born with lower IQ?
those who try really hard,
but just cant achieve as much?
is it their fault?
from now on,
i study for my own pleasure.
i always love sch,
i love my subjects.
design, media, classical studies, english, calculus.
i love them all.
thats why i studied.
and got those results.
i mean,
9 Excellences and 2 Merits,
(and one of the paper which i got Merit, that was the highest anyone got. No one got an Excellence for that paper),
what else could i have asked for?
i will still be a mugger at heart,
CV or no CV.
im proud of what i can do,
and cannot,
because thats the way i am.
i dont need recognition.
i know im good.
narcisstic as it sounds.
but yea,
i dont need man's praise.
so yea.
i've realised im basically the kind of girl,
who even when she's failed miserably in everything
and everyone is saying she sucks,
still thinks she's done well.
because i know that,
i've put in my best effort.
and God was with me when i did it.
thats all that matters.
tranquility ; 11/15/2007 03:18:00 pm.
