5.2.08
", i say holy; set apart for you Lord."these days i find myself in a constant reverie of fervent praying for a scholarship or fiancial to a college in the US, but often it seems more like wishing.
i have made mistakes in the past,
when i relied on my own strength,
praying for sth that i want,
and forgetting to seek his perfect will.
then things dont go my way,
and i feel raw bitter disappointment,
eating me away inside,
until i faced the music,
and confessed my sins.
i dont want the same to happen this time.
becoz i realise now that i want to go to US,
more than anything.
i dont want to wish for it,
i want to really pray for it.
but i dont know if im doing it right.
i shld have faith,
but how can i have faith
if it's sth that i selfishly want,
and probably not whats meant for me?
i have chosen my subj courses for yr13 at burnside this yr.
it would all be the same as last yr,
except i've been placed into accelerated English,
and i was given the choice to do accelerated Calc or Stats.
i chose to do Calc again,
even though i did it last yr,
coz i want to do better this yr.
but at the same time,
i dread going through the same, though slightly different, Calc course again.
i dread taking Trig test again,
cannot imagine revising for Differentiation/Integration test all over again,
and i especially cannot bear getting only Merit again in my exams.
and also for accelerated English,
i dread underperforming,
especially when my tchr has chosen to look past my exam results,
and still decided im accelerated material.
i dread failing her and not reaching expectations,
especially since standards will be way higher in accelerated.
perhaps because of all that,
i yearn to receive a mail from a US college,
telling me i've been admitted,
with scholarship/financial aid.
becoz it would mean an end to my sch life here.
it would mean i dont want to face all that is waiting for me ahead.
all the stress, pressure and expectations,
mostly self produced.
im tired.
i've tried and im really tired.
i did my best last yr,
but i still remain only an above average student,
nth among the tops.
i dont know how much better i can fare this yr,
especially with 2 accelerated classes.
i want to stop all these.
the min i receive an OK from a US college,
i intend to leave sch,
and concentrate on my grade8 piano practical exam.
like, just practise every single day
instead of going to school.
thats right.
thats another thing on the agenda.
grade 8 isnt easy, i know.
and i've been told i will fail it,
if i dont buck up.
its a saddening thing to be told,
by the tchr too,
but someone's gotta tell me.
and now im really serious abt it.
especially after i watched this jap drama,
abt piano and music,
and two weird lovers.
after the whole process of college app,
school exams and projects,
i can say i've had enough of sch here.
and its only been a yr.
who said it's slacker here?
maybe i did once.
but never again shall i say that.
in singapore,
i've learnt that hardwork always pays off.
but here, it never seems to,
at least not for me.
or maybe its coz of the subjs im taking,
i mean,
media and classical studies?
there can be controversial answers to many questions.
since i came to NZ,
i've told myself i wouldnt stay here for more than 2 yrs.
i've never intended to stay here for long.
i've always seen this as a short stop for me.
so now im ready to move on,
to US, hopefully.
apart from my cowardice,
there are three more reasons for my eagerness to fly to US.
a long awaited reunion with dee would be ideal,
and i long to experience the life she's had the past few yrs.
i want to see and live all that she's been through,
all the good, the bad (and the ugly - haha its a pun).
the second reason is to repay my parents.
especially dad,
for taking so much time and effort,
to take me through the apps,
talk to his US colleges for advise,
and making sure everything is done perfectly to ensure me a fair shot.
i want the hardwork of his colleges to be paid off too.
the recommendation letters they wrote for me were way too flattering and unreal.
but they sincerely believe in my potential,
and what i can do,
even if i doubt myself.
i cannot bear to tell them im not going to US,
becoz i havent got a scholarship/financial aid.
it'll all be for nothing.
the last reason is simply to prove skeptics wrong.
with my mediocre results and clumsiness with words,
i know a few ppl who reckon i havent got a chance.
i actually think so too,
but the acceptance from Purdue has changed my view.
i have sth far more powerful and effective
than platinum results and flowery words -
i have God.
he has shown me a million times before,
how he can perform miracles
and help me through ordeals.
he can change hearts and minds.
i believe that as long as he's on my side,
i can go the distance.
i want to see their faces drop,
see their jaws hanging wide open,
when i tell them im going to US.
i want them to think silently,
"how the HECK was that possible for HER?!?"
and then the answer would come to them:
"because God was on her side."
i want them to realise the strength i have,
through God's peace and power.
i want them to see that Christians arent just for show,
we believe in what we cannot see,
and trust in the power we can feel.
results and merits,
that we can see.
but faith is about "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Heb 11:1)
i cannot see God,
but i have faith in him.
not that i will go to US,
but that his perfect will shall be done.
it was scary for me at first,
imagining the colleges critically looking at my app,
and going, "oooh a little dodgy here, arent we...?
shall we or shall we not?"
but then this verse comforts me:
"The one who is in you
is greater than the one
who is in the world."
(1 Jn 4:4)
of course,
God is way greater than those college ppl.
he can control everything.
if he wants me to go to US,
then i shall,
even if my app stinks.
so now,
i shall go and practise my piano,
find my inner peace,
and prepare for the first day of sch on friday.
one bright side is that as a senior of the sch this yr,
im allowed to wear 'mufti',
which means i dont have to wear uniform.
PLUS, i can leave sch during intervals and lunch,
and during study periods.
WHEEEE!!!
tranquility ; 2/05/2008 02:36:00 pm.
