~.:Christ In Me:.~

news flash.

2009-01-23T12:17:00.002+08:00

ok after mths of anxious waiting, the results are finally out!

as of this moment of today, 23rd Jan 2009, I am an official first yr student of UNSW.

WOOHOO!

i have accepted the offer online and enrolled in my courses, all that's left to do is settle the accomodation.

whoo. i can fiinally breathe now.

it's been a really long wait, and many times i wondered if i will be doomed to stay in NZ for another 3-4 yrs.

don't get me wrong, NZ is great for living...if you are a non-Asian.

but as a true-hearted Asian, i cannot cope with living in a country that is so NOT updated in Asian news and entertainment varieties.

they have Asian food and nice ktv, that's for sure, but in terms of movies, CDs and magazines, it's kindda backward.

it's probably just too small, too quiet and too slow for my liking.

i like the pleasant environment and friendly ppl, so i'll just say it's a great place for retirement.

so anyway, i'll finish here by saying, SEEYA, NZ!

and HELLO AUSSIES!

or shall i say...G'DAY MATES!

last stop

2009-01-16T21:36:00.002+08:00

we are leaving He Fei first thing tmr and heading to Zhong Yang, our last stop in China.

we finished all our last min shopping today and are feeling very satisfied XD

because Zhong Yang is a village town and very much deprived of the internet, this will be my last post before i return to NZ on 2nd Feb.

i wish everyone a happy Chinese New Year and a good start to a new academic yr (for those still in high sch).

God bless!

guo yang

2008-12-29T20:52:00.002+08:00

went to tianjin last wk, then left beijing, currently in Gouyang of Anhui Province.

before this we were in Bo Zhou, also in Anhui.

day after tmr we'll be going to He Fei, capital of Anhui.

most of the big time activities will be happening there!

we'll be covering most of our shopping there, our photo taking session by professionals, and basically just going nuts.

jamie and i have each got a new cellphone.

hers is from Sony Ericsson walkman series and mine is from the Nokia Xpress Music series, and we l.o.v.e our phones(:

i also got a camera from dad, it's not new, but it belongs to me now ^^

after we've spent a wk in He Fei, we'll be heading to our final destination:

Zhong Yang of Anhui, the village of dad's birth and childhood.

there we will spend the Chinese New Year, receive ang baos, and get together with all our relatives on dad's side(:

AND THEN!

we're going home to New Zealand yo~~~~!!

i'll see you guys real soon yea!

enjoy the summer u lucky ppl~!!

beijing still

2008-12-22T15:58:00.002+08:00

Still in Beijing.
Been busy training with jamie coz dad got us a professional coach and we have training everyday in addition to our own practise sessions outside class.

i admit it was gruelling the first few lessons, i couldn't take the physical workout and the coach's high standards.

i was so close to quitting two days ago becoz i felt it was pointless for me to train any further.

i didn't just want to quit training, i wanted to give up bmt altogether and pick up another sport.

but then i knew in my heart that God doesn't want me to quit, because "Quitting Is Not The Christian Way.

That has been my motto for the past 2 yrs or so.

God is faithful to those who trusts in him.

Just when i was mullng over the matter in my heart, hesitant of whether i shld continue with the training, God brought me to meet one of my cousins who is studying at the number one uni in Beijing.

He is the same age as me, currently in his sophomore yr of uni.

he came from the same village as dad and grew up in a humble environment, but he graduated from high sch with a score high enough to allow him to come to Beijing to study.

he also got a scholarship that settled his financial difficulties.

Meeting him was the spark that inspired me to continue with training.

I saw how determined and focused he is, even in uni when he has other activities and a whole lot of electives to do he never thinks abt giving up.

Looking at how far he has come, and then looking at myself, i feel a sudden determination to be strong and keep on going.

When i was in sec 1, i gave up Japanese after half a yr.

When i was in sec 3, i gave up Chinese Dance because i couldn't take the physical hardship.

When i came to NZ, i gave up Sciences because i found interest in the arts and humanity.

It seems all my life i have been giving up, but this has to end somewhere.

I won't give up bmt, because it may prove to be the only thing i can persevere with and come through a stronger person.

God never allows us to be tempted beyond what we can endure.

I know the devil is trying its hardest to tempt me into depression and denial again, but my strength is in the Lord and i know i can make it.

Hope is trust in the Lord, knowing that he has plans for me.

The results for my uni applications are slowly but surely being revealed.

I am waiting with much anticipation and anxiety.

I dare not wish to be in a place without considering God's will for me, dare not think abt being in a place without being sure that is where i am meant to be.

Each time i think, "surely so-and-so uni will accept me", i stop myself and say, "no, God can change even the surest matters."

Being in Beijing has humbled me greatly, i have been broken and lifted up. I have learnt to trust even in the smallest matter.

I have also, to my own surprise, learnt to think and reflect in quietness, to stay silent and listen for God's voice.

In the past i always thought i have to share my problems with someone else to solve it, tell my problems to the world, discuss it with some guru.

But now i realise i can do it without telling a single soul, i can think things through not by my own strength and wisdom but by God's purest guidance.

Praise the Lord, for he is truly worthy.

beijing

2008-12-17T21:31:00.002+08:00

Location: Beijing
Next stop: Tian Jin

not much to report, except we've reached Beijing and seen the Bird Nest and Cube on the way to the university hotel.

Beijing is really refreshing.
It's surprisingly clean and neat, really high-tech and comfortabe.

To be able to see the city skyline is really amazing. In some other cities, the air is so polluted you can't see the horizon.

Looking forward to exploring this pleasant city.

Joyce has been adopted by our hosts in Wuhan as god-daughter.

the woman is mum's childhood friend and they grew up together and has been to school together since primary school all the way till end of high school.

the marriage between Joyce's godparents was match-made by mum many yrs ago so they are forever grateful to mum so to speak.

in any case, on our last night at their hse, they officially adopted Joyce as god-daughter.

jamie and i were like,
"Ohhh! Boohooo!! it's just the two of us now...xiang1 yi1 wei2 ming4...we have to find godparents too!!"

haha.
but i do realise that this godparenting thing is really abt having another child to pamper and spoil.

usually the youngest child of another family gets adopted, the older ones are usually too old to be pampered, not "cute" enough.

anyway, Joyce is enjoying being a god-daughter. She has received 2000 Yuan from her godparents.

cool eh.

so i was asking mum at the Wuhan airport if joyce can take jamie and i shopping when we get to Beijing. haha.

i want godparents for my children in future too!

ok jamie wants comp now.

ciao!

wuhan3

2008-12-14T19:44:00.002+08:00

hey ppl tag leh!
only yulan and jas have left msgs so far but i know more of u are out there reading my posts in secrecy horr...thanks for ur silent support ya~

went to the famous Huang He Lou today
(Yellow Crane Tower)

there's this saying,
"It will be ur regret if you don't go to the Yellow Crane Tower, but it will be an even deeper regret if u ever go."

which basically means,
because it is so famous, it'll be a pity if u don't visit it.

but once u do,
u realise it's actually nothing much...
so the regret is even deeper~

hahh.
i like that saying.
it's quite true.

i got really tired climbing stairs and slopes = =

then finally everyone went to look at some fabulous stones, so i stayed behind at a designated spot to wait for them with joyce coz i wasn't interested in stones.

hmm what else.

ohyes praise the Lord.
jamie and joyce have recovered from their prolonged diahorrea.

oh and we went to church today.
yes i know!
so exciting right!

it was a really humbling experience.

they were more advanced than i expected, they had powerpoint and microphones, but the piano was really out of tune and the pianist was...nervous, maybe.

i saw how little the ppl had to offer, yet they had such big, loving hearts and they sang those old, "boring" hymns with such zest and enthusiasm.

i felt truly humbled and almost ashamed.

there we are, in CCC, a perfectly well built and well equiped church.

with a fantastic lighting and sound system, stage setup and musical instruments.

but we have so many problems, we see the thorns in each other's eyes, we still have so much to complain.

are we, in the midst of all our complaints, forgetting the true nature of worship? pure and holy worship?

what is it that makes a worship truly joyful and blessed?

we try so hard to create a "perfect" music with drums and guitars and keyboards, trying to create a "worship atmosphere", to be a true "worship leader".

but these terms are contemporary terms.

they mean nothing to the ppl of the past, the ppl with a true heart of worship.

"when the music fades, and all is stripped away..."

what are we left with?
our drums? our guitars?
those will be gone.

and our voices?
will they ever be perfect enough?

can we still find God in our worship, without music, without sounds?

can we find Him in the smallest whisper? in our own breathing? in the silent darkness?

i worry that the true meaning of worship is being lost, i worry that i have lost myself in the music.

but above all,
i worry i have lost God in the avid pursue of an "emotional worship experience".

some will say that the church we went to today is a "boring, traditional church".

indeed, it may be, and i cannot say for sure that i can get used to it.

but no one can deny the purity of such a church, the earnest hearts in this temple.

the challenge, for me, is not whether i can adapt to such a "boring, traditional" form of worship, but whether i can retain the nature of such a worship in the contemporary worship scene.

the music can be misleading, it can be tempting, it can even be fatal.

it is not the music we have to listen to, but the sound of our heart singing it.

another thing that touched me at the church today was a special fellowship they had called the "Married Couple Fellowship".

obviously, it is a fellowship for married couples.

this fellowship has a choir, and when they went up onto the stage to sing, they went up in pairs and it was a really sweet scene.

my eyes went teary when the pastor requested that the wives present roses to their husbands, tell them "i love u" and give them a big hug.

i don't know why, but i felt really touched and tearful.

some of the couples are old, and it was really wonderful to see two in love till their old age.

perhaps, looking at them, i see myself a few yrs down the road.

perhaps i was looking at a scene i wish i could be a part of.

it is a scared love that two ppl share, and it is an experience that few are blessed with.

such a love in Christ is holy and unbreakable.

i wish for the happiness of all those couples, that their love will last through the ages.

finally, i was awed by the number of ppl who received Christ at the altar call.

about 30 went up, and the church congregation was probably as big as our church.

30 new believers!

it is incredible.

God bless those ppl and guard their hearts, for i cannot help but fear for their faith as they step out into the world and face so many challenges in this chaotic and pragmatic society.

but one thing i know for sure: once a child of God, always a child of God.

nothing can change that and no one can take that away from us.

wuhan2

2008-12-13T19:09:00.003+08:00

Jamie was pissed
coz i have developed this habit of zooming into ppl's faces after the pics have been taken on our digicam and seeing their expressions up close, warts and all.

then i say,
"HA JAMIE! u look funny!"

and she'll be like,
"can u stop it? it's very annoying leh."

it's really becoz we take so many grp pics with friends of our parents, so our faces always come out really small, especially when we take pics at scenic landscapes.

so i find the zoom in function really useful.

except of course i think i kindda abuse the function and play too much with it, coz once i zoomed in so close to Jamie's face that it looks like those huge "Missing Person" headline photos u see in the newspaper.

yea jamie got really pissed = ="
not funny.

anyway, i've started calling joyce a Thing.
no ill meanings, really, just a friendly, sisterly nickname or sth.

coz when she laughs really hard and giggles the way she does, her face would split into this really huge toothy grin and she'll quiver like a live toy, so i said she looks like this smiley, twitching Thing.

there's like no better word to use at that time, though "Mouse" would have been pretty close too.
but she looks more like a Thing than a Mouse.

going off on a tangent,
Jamie insists that the game on neopets, "Meepit Juice" is an educational game, coz it's classified under 'Educational' but frankly i think it's just a whole load of random clicking.

and she lost at Cheat.
how is that even possible on neopets?

we went to Wu Han University today and then over to the Hu Bei Museum.
quite interesting, we looked at artefacts from the various dynasties and also the human evolution process.
but then jamie and i still got really bored.

jamie was more bored than me,
and we called each other "no culture".
sad, really.

we got lost in one of the exhibitions and couldn't find the exit, so we went back and came out from the entrance only to find the exit next to it.
and i decided that the most boring job in the world is to be a museum exhibition guard.

u just look smart in that uniform but ur only job is to tell ppl to keep off the exhibition glass and get glared at.
and ur only companions are artegacts and skeletons.
SAD.

oh and i probably haven't mentioned this before, but before we came to china, jamie and i made a pact or sth.

we said that while we are in china, we would have to try and find one guy that all three of us (meaning including joyce) agree he is shuai4.

sounds easy right?
2mths in china and travelling all around?
there's bound to be at least ONE guy on the streets all 3 of us can agree on?

but it's been 3wks and still zilch.

i mean, please,
i've seen at least 2,
but jamie and joyce are like,
BLEECCK WHAT IS THAT?

sigh what's wrong with some ppl.

i saw another one at the museum today.
jamie's like,
"tsk tsk jenny. coming to museums to look at guys ah."
like i shld be looking at the dead ppl.

but come on,
not like i was actually LOOKING at guys.
it was she who reminded me of our pact when she said, "hmm we still haven't found one yet hor."

so then i looked around real casually and saw him.
i thought he looked really cute,
he had this child-like keenness abt him,
going around taking photos of the artefacts and checking things out with his friends.

it's not everyday u see a guy interested in museums.
it's probably the best place to find a bf, or a library, my personal favourite.

anyway.

i nicknamed him ANDI, coz he was wearing a jacket with an ANDI brand name across it.

jamie was like,
"WHAT! YUCK LA JENNY!
HE'S HORRIBLE!"

so she asked joyce what she thought when we next bumped into him at another exhibition on another floor, and joyce said the same thing.

i felt injustice for him.
seriously.
they probably didn't look at him carefully enough.
hummph.

then when we left the museum, sth really funny happened.

jamie said (no offence to anyone out there),
"i don't like china boys."

and i thought she said "china STUFF", as in like ancient artefacts in museusm etc.

so i said,
"oh, i like them,
but i don't like just looking at them, i like someone explaining them to me, like a tour guide. u rmb that time we went to beijing and had that guide? yea that was nice and..."

that's when jamie stopped me and asked me what rubbish i was saying.

and then of course i realise my mistake.
and it was hilarious.
coz if u take what i said and placed it in the context of jamie's statement, it has a totally different meaning.

imagine having a tour guide explaining to me the boys we meet in china!

"this is so and so from the province of Hu Bei.
Born in the year of the dragon, he enjoys a variety sports and exels in blahblahblah."

haha. not everyday conversations like this take place.

so anyway, yea the search is still ongoing.
though it seems to be doomed to certain failure.

sigh.
jamie says i'm screwed.
coz apparently i like "horrible looking" guys, according to her.

but i said that she's the screwed one, coz her standards are so super high.

and joyce nonetheless upholds her belief that one day i'll marry someone with glasses and freckles, though she has been kind enough recently to take the "freckles" quality out of her prophecy.

so yep, according to joyce, my bf/husband will be a nerd.
which is fine, i like nerds, everyone knows that.

hmm ANDI has glasses.

wuhan.

2008-12-12T14:11:00.002+08:00

Location: Wu Han
Next stop: Beijing

Second day here in Wu Han, so I haven't seen much yet.

Qiandao Hu was an absolute delight.
There are literally a thousand islands on the lake that is abt the size of Singapore.

A few of those islands are open to tourists and each of those islands has sth entertaining.

One is called Ostrich Island,
and we rode on an ostrich there!
They have keepers on the islands and they take care of the animals that have been put onto the islands for tourism purposes.

Then there's a Snake Island where they rear snakes (shivers...) and we took photos with the boa constrictor i think.

eew. it was so heavy and scaly.

oh and we fed deers too.
they were really cute eh!

but the most thrilling experience was probably hand feeding peacocks and taking photos with a tame one.
i bet not many ppl get to hug a peacock eh!

it's been brought up to be used to human handling so it just sat on its perch and let us pat it and hug it(:

that's the gist of what happened at Qiandao Hu.
really exciting for us and the view is breathtaking.
the water is so clear too.

i have also, in the past wk, officially coined the word "Shruti".

SHRUTI:
(n)someone who exists non-existently; to be ignored
e.g. "Throughout the entire lecture, no one was listening to the professor's words of wisdom. By the end of it, he had become a shruti."

the more i use it, the more it grows on me.
it just sounds like a proper word.
joyce and jamie has started using it too.
although, quite annoyingly, they tend to use it on me.

dad has been busy preparing for his lectures at each of our stop.
ytd he was at Zhe Jiang University,
and this morning he was giving a talk at HUST
(Huazhong University of Sci&Tech).
i hope he doesn't become a shruti like in my example,
but i doubt he will.

i went to one of his lectures once,
at the open day of UC,
and it was really quite entertaining and fascinating.
i was impressed.

jamie's diahorrea is still as bad.
joyce's condition is improving slowly.
i'm basically well and alive.

i think the hotel we checked into last night is haunted,
well i don't know.

once a pastor or sth came to church,
and he was talking abt the gifts of the spirit.
and on the spot he began to identify certain gifts that ppl had.

he pointed straight at mum and said she had the gift of hospitality.
anyway, he said i have the gift of discerning and intercession.

apparently it means i can sense the presence of evil spirits but also that of the holy spirit.
it also means i can pray for intensive amt of hrs for a single event or person, interceding on his or her behalf.

i don't know eh.
sounds a bit farfetched to me, the praying thing i mean.
the longest i ever prayed is probably 20mins.

but the discerning thing.
well.
maybe.

but i do sense things,
whether it's real sensing or just my psycho-self, i don't know.

so anyway,
i didn't like that hotel.
it's too old and too stale.

joyce didn't like it either.
coz the toilet was too far from the rooms.
haha.
it was tucked down right at the other end of the apartment.

in any case,
ghost or no ghost,
mum and dad decided we can't stay in such a place.
(no hot water!!)

so we moved out this morning and we're now staying comfortably at a friend's hse where there's internet (yayy!!)
and i don't sense any spirits here XD

ok i gtg now.
pls pray for my continued spiritual growth,
that i will not neglect my spiritual life here where God's presence is so meek amongst the ppl.

hang zhou.

2008-12-09T15:11:00.002+08:00

location: Hang Zhou
next stop: Wu Han

well what do you know.
turns out we all fell victim to the so-called
"shui2 tu3 bu4 fu2" illness.

i had stomach flu for the last 2 days in Shanghai,
spent it in hospital,
hooked up to that water bag dripping thing,
had to seat in that chair for 4.5hrs on the first day,
and 2hrs for the 2nd.

had to take a finger-prick blood test too.
they pricked my finger with this NOT thin thumbtack thingy.
ouch la.
but it was real quick.
and my results show i have unnaturally high amt of whtite blood cells i think.

then joyce fell ill just before we left shanghai.
and she had to do the finger-prick thing too,
and she kept saying she hates that person.
good thing is she didn't need to take the water dripping treatment.

and now jamie is having diahorrea.
yea.
it's been pretty crazy.

so anyway, gist of it is, we're all just trying to survive now.

but Hang Zhou is really nice.

I'M GOING TO QIANDAO HU TMR!!
(THOUSAND ISLAND LAKE)

i read and learnt abt it from an article in the chinese txtbk,
back when i was still in the BSP at NYGH,
and ever since then it's been my fantasy to visit this beautiful scenic place i've heard so much abt!

ok im in a hotel lobby using their internet,
but there's still someone smoking around me,
so i shall leave now.

update soon.

shanghai.

2008-12-04T18:46:00.003+08:00

at the moment i am in shanghai,
the never-ending city of development.

going online is a problem,
coz i dont really want to waste hrs
at an internet cafe.

anyway, i'm at someone's hse now,
so it's a lot more comfortable.

since coming to shanghai,
we've basically been following the same daily routine.

we leave the condo apartment at 10am,
catch the condo shuttle to an MRT station
(yes i know! so cool eh! they have MRT stations here that are SOO much like the ones in singapore! nostalgia~~)

and then we take the MRT to some place we've never been to,
and shop till we drop.
most of the times it's just window shopping,
but we still walk till we drop.

lunch and dinner are mostly taken outside,
breakfast is bread and egg or sth,
coz the apartment isn't that well equiped.

dad's friend owns that apartment
but coz he doesn't live there
he kindly allowed us to live there while we're here in shanghai.

and i think i'll mention that the condo is in this huge place
that forms a small town or sth.

it's a rich ppl santuary complete with a golf course,
swimming complex,
acres and acres of MANSIONS,
and an entire section of condos.

you can seriously get lost in this place,
so the shuttle bus is a BIG help.

anyway, yea, that's life so far in shanghai.
shopping, eating, walking.
very much like living in Singapore minus the schooling.

dad's arriving tmr morning (yay!)
so i'm looking forward to a reunion.

it's really good,
for once not having to think abt hol hmwk,
or next yr's sch course while i'm on holiday.

it's good to be able to hang out with the girls,
go silly and laugh till we choke.

we practically have one major joke for each day,
everyday sth really stupid happens
and we laugh abt it for the whole day.

then the next day there'll be sth new to laugh abt.
it's almost always abt me,
but mehh,
i'm used to that.

today's joke is:
"Mono&Shruti;
Shruti, the non-existent Indian friend."

hahahah.
it's really funny but i apologise if no one gets it coz it's really an inside joke.

it started when i rmbed someone called SHRUTI.
an Indian girl.
so i asked Joyce if she rmbs that friend of hers.

and she says
"huh? i dont have a friend called SHRUTI ah."

i insisted that she does,
or someone called PARVATI, maybe,
or ASHANTI?

"NO leh... don't have ah..."

huhh?? then how come i rmb someone called SHRUTI??

"jamie, u have a friend called SHRUTI right?
it must be u."

"huh? what? SHRUTI?
i dont have an Indian friend ah."

then joyce reminded jamie,
"yes u do, u once told me abt an Indian friend,
quite fat, and when she runs her fat wobbles and all that."

"nono, that wasn't her Indian friend," i said, "that's her."

so then, just to try my luck, i asked mum abt SHRUTI.

as expected, she said no, no idea who that is.

and so SHRUTI became the non-existent Indian friend,
who till now i STILL believe exists,
just that no one rmbs her.

ohman...
sorry SHRUTI!
whoever u are!

and how did Mono&Shruti come abt?
well, it's like this.

joyce then bought this chinese flute thing,
plays like a recorder,
except it's like a hu2 lu4,
and it's made of bamboo or sth.

there are three pipes on it,
and there's a foam plug for some reason,
and we were trying to decide what it was for.

it was definitely for plugging one of the pipes,
except we didn't know if it made any difference to the sound.

then we figured out that it's to create a mono and stereo sound.
if u unplug all the pipes,
it creates a stereo sound,
if u plug one of it,
it becomes mono.

i came up with that explanation,
mono and stereo i mean.
and joyce was fascinated,
kept asking us to repeat that phrase,
so she could rmb it.

so jamie said,
"m-o-n-o...and...s-t-e-r-e-ohhhh.."

and then i just suddenly randomly said,
"SHRUTI."

dont ask me why!
i dont know why!
it just seemed funny at that time.

maybe coz "stereo" and "SHRUTI"
both start with "S".

joyce was cracking up like humpty dumpty
and i was too.

i told the girls i have a secret dream
of being a cartoonist
drawing my own cartoon strip.

and i said i'll name my two characters
Mono&Shruti.

hah. just coz it sounds so random and spastic.

and then, haha,
the hilarious thing is,
after i said that,
joyce couldnt rmb "stereo"

she rmbed
"mono" and "SHRUTI"
instead of "mono" and "stereo".

HAHAHA.

weird.!

but funny. haha.
joke of today.
too bad jamie doesn't appreciate half of it.
sigh.
sad ppl.

as much as i'll like to,
i can't share with u lovely ppl all the jokes we've had,
coz even i can't rmb all of it.
and internet is always a problem.

but still, i hope u guys are all having fun,
wherever u are
(how was UB??)

i'll see u NZ ppl in feb,
and SG ppl...sometime further in the future.
and u American girl...even further in the future.
but i WILL seeya guys yea?

meanwhile, take care u guys!
<3

some sharing.

2008-10-19T18:54:00.002+08:00

don't know if anyone will see this,
but it's a relief to some extent,
to be able to write freely where few visit.

my other blog is becoming slightly saturated,
and it is in times like this that i remember this small,
tiny, private haven of mine.

it reflects the life i have known in sg,
the days of irrational rebellion and passion.

i went back to the yf blog just now,
and i teared, reading yulan's entries.
those spiritual words of inspiration,
they are so familiar,
so long lost in my life now.

here, no one really speaks like that.
we don't have daoshis in yf,
we have two counsellors,
but they are too busy to really spend time with us.

the uni and high sch students lead two separate lives.
one is infatuated with bgr and the superficial,
the other is more mature and fun.

the latter remind me of the daoshis in hcmc yf.
spiritual, yet sassy,
mature, yet monkey-ish.

it feels really good to hang out with ppl like u guys.

its like taking a long, blissful bath in a thermal spring during the icy winter.

a few weeks ago i was spiritually low,
like you wouldn't believe.

man, even i couldnt believe myself.

i didn't do my QT for 2 wks, probably 3.
its shocking, i know.
and i feel the effect, trust me i did.

i feel satan's attacks on me constantly,
but the preacher talked abt Job today,
and i feel inspird, even comforted, by God.

i felt like he was saying to me,
"good on you, jenny,
you've gone through all that rubbish,
yet u've never abandoned me.

you might have complained,
you might have wondered where i am,
you might even have stopped reading my word.

but deep down,
u still held fast to me,
trusting that our relatioship will hold fast.

well done, jenny."

i want to please God.
i know i have built a relationship with him,
and even if i cant feel it at times,
i know its there.

i've been through so much with him,
its not possible for me to turn away.

to whom shall i go too, even if i do?

he is the only God,
the only one who has saved me.

it is his for the giving,
and his for the taking.

updates

2008-04-03T07:17:00.002+08:00

and becoz i know
i have been MIA for such a long time,
i will post some updates now.

firstly,
SCHOOL:

its my last yr of high sch here,
meaning im starting univ next yr march.

i love all the subjs im still doing in sch,
and im doing fine so far.

i've basically decided to pursue an architecture degree,
becoz thats what Univ of Auckland is famous for,
and becoz i love design and buildings so much.

(also i have a secret dream
of personally designing my parents' retirement mansion.

YES I KNOW
so crazy right.
i'll have to earn lotsa money
to buy them a mansion,
but i want to design it myself.)

im starting to warm up to a certain group of friends in sch,
yes i know,
im so slow socially.

they're all asians
and my chinese has improved heaps as a result!

as proof,
visit my chinese blog,
yes CHINESE BLOG
haha

www.wretch.cc/blog/jollybeans

its a blogging engine that taiwan youths use these days.
and i actually use it more often
than blogspot

probably coz i find myself
more comfortable with chinese these days.

yes i know.
FAR OUT!!! ><"

so yea anyway,
school is just great.
there are a lot more priviledges
being a senior in school
so its all cool(:

CHURCH:

im still in the YG (youth grp) exco,
serving as the Activities Coordinator.

but at the same time,
i've started attending the YAG (young adults grp) too,
mainly for univ-aged students/part timers.

so now its like,
i go to YG to serve,
learn abt worship
and handling difficult ppl,

but YAG has good bible study sessions,
which help me grow spiritually,
and its great fellowship.

im involved in the p&w teams
for both YG and YAG,
but my service is still mainly based in the YG.

anyway its great,
not everyday one can have the best of both worlds XD

YAG CAMP COMING UP!!

its called "EXPLORER"
and the idea is
we're going to explore our lives,
and eventually explore Christ.

im super psyched abt it k.
not only coz i expect it to be more mature spiritually than the YG camp i attended last yr,
but also coz i absolutely love having fellowship with the YAG peeps.

i felt a little bummed
when they lowered the age allowance for the camp

coz it seemed to me that
if the age allowance of the camp is lowered
then the maturity of the content and discussions
would be lowered too

and i thought it was quite ridiculous
that the youngest person going for the YAG camp,
is actually only 16.

but God made me see the bigger picture,
so im cool with everything now(:

so anyway,
i've been asked to be a grp leader in the camp,
and its quite nerve wrecking for me.

i mean,
man,
i really dont know if i can do it eh.

although most of the ppl are high sch age
(due to the lowered age allowance),
but its still a young adults camp.

will my grp actually listen to me??
and cooperate...?? >~<"

im involved in the camp p&w too,
which im ok with,
except it's in less than 3 wks
and they havent scheduled practice sessions yet...

i need to pray immensely for the camp!!

FAMILY:

great great great,
nth really wrong right now,
and it all feels good.

dad nearly died of dehydration
during a 13km marathon.
he had to be carried
for the last few hundred metres.

thank God he survived that...
when he came home and told us
we were freaked out!

coz while he was fainting,
we were in church for sunday service.

and at around 10am when he fell,
jamie had a sudden dizzy spell
and felt nauseous.

and they were dozens of kilometres apart!

thats what i call telepathic connection...

its so cool,
and i bet that connection
was what pulled dad through.

somehow,
God connected him and jamie,
and that somehow saved dad.

real miracles(:

new plans

2008-04-03T07:14:00.001+08:00

,"it is not by strength that one prevails;" 1 Sam 2:9b

the results are all out now.
im not going to america this yr,
coz even though i have been offered places in some colleges, i lack the financial funding.

hmm i thought i'll be really disappointed,
but u know what,
God can really change one's heart.

when he closes a door for me,
he gives me enough peace and faith to accept taking another path.

sometimes it's hard
to suddenly find myself facing a dead end
coz i've been so sure its the path im meant to walk.

its hard
to suddenly realise i need another plan,
that somehow im meant to go to B instead of A.

its overwhelming in fact
to be hit by the reality
that things are really not that simple.

but im ok now,
completely at peace.

the new plan is
to go to Univ of Auckland next yr,
its located in the north island of NZ,
and ranked quite highly on the international platform.

the amazing thing is,
my parents are actually fine with this,
they've accepted the fact
that i've tried my best to go to america
but the time isnt right yet
and God wants me to go somewhere else instead.

i find it funny now,
thinking back to when i first came to NZ.

i was so sure
that im only staying here for 2 yrs max.

i wanted to go places,
i wanted to leave NZ,
as soon as possible.

but its funny
how things have worked out.

now im looking at myself,
seeing myself here in NZ
for the next few yrs.

and im actually ok with that(:

i do feel disappointment of course
but not coz my plan for myself failed
but coz not going to america
means not seeing an old friend for another few yrs.

the bitterness of this truth hurts
coz we've both been trying so hard,
but our friendship has lasted for so long
this will be but another test.

God does provide,
and even when things dont turn out the way i expect it to, there's always another door waiting for me.

praise him

hallelujah!

new sch term

2008-02-05T14:36:00.001+08:00

", i say holy; set apart for you Lord."

these days i find myself in a constant reverie of fervent praying for a scholarship or fiancial to a college in the US, but often it seems more like wishing.

i have made mistakes in the past,
when i relied on my own strength,
praying for sth that i want,
and forgetting to seek his perfect will.

then things dont go my way,
and i feel raw bitter disappointment,
eating me away inside,
until i faced the music,
and confessed my sins.

i dont want the same to happen this time.
becoz i realise now that i want to go to US,
more than anything.
i dont want to wish for it,
i want to really pray for it.

but i dont know if im doing it right.
i shld have faith,
but how can i have faith
if it's sth that i selfishly want,
and probably not whats meant for me?

i have chosen my subj courses for yr13 at burnside this yr.
it would all be the same as last yr,
except i've been placed into accelerated English,
and i was given the choice to do accelerated Calc or Stats.
i chose to do Calc again,
even though i did it last yr,
coz i want to do better this yr.

but at the same time,
i dread going through the same, though slightly different, Calc course again.
i dread taking Trig test again,
cannot imagine revising for Differentiation/Integration test all over again,
and i especially cannot bear getting only Merit again in my exams.

and also for accelerated English,
i dread underperforming,
especially when my tchr has chosen to look past my exam results,
and still decided im accelerated material.
i dread failing her and not reaching expectations,
especially since standards will be way higher in accelerated.

perhaps because of all that,
i yearn to receive a mail from a US college,
telling me i've been admitted,
with scholarship/financial aid.

becoz it would mean an end to my sch life here.
it would mean i dont want to face all that is waiting for me ahead.
all the stress, pressure and expectations,
mostly self produced.

im tired.
i've tried and im really tired.
i did my best last yr,
but i still remain only an above average student,
nth among the tops.

i dont know how much better i can fare this yr,
especially with 2 accelerated classes.
i want to stop all these.
the min i receive an OK from a US college,
i intend to leave sch,
and concentrate on my grade8 piano practical exam.
like, just practise every single day
instead of going to school.

thats right.
thats another thing on the agenda.
grade 8 isnt easy, i know.
and i've been told i will fail it,
if i dont buck up.

its a saddening thing to be told,
by the tchr too,
but someone's gotta tell me.
and now im really serious abt it.
especially after i watched this jap drama,
abt piano and music,
and two weird lovers.

after the whole process of college app,
school exams and projects,
i can say i've had enough of sch here.
and its only been a yr.

who said it's slacker here?
maybe i did once.
but never again shall i say that.

in singapore,
i've learnt that hardwork always pays off.
but here, it never seems to,
at least not for me.
or maybe its coz of the subjs im taking,
i mean,
media and classical studies?
there can be controversial answers to many questions.

since i came to NZ,
i've told myself i wouldnt stay here for more than 2 yrs.
i've never intended to stay here for long.
i've always seen this as a short stop for me.
so now im ready to move on,
to US, hopefully.

apart from my cowardice,
there are three more reasons for my eagerness to fly to US.
a long awaited reunion with dee would be ideal,
and i long to experience the life she's had the past few yrs.
i want to see and live all that she's been through,
all the good, the bad (and the ugly - haha its a pun).

the second reason is to repay my parents.
especially dad,
for taking so much time and effort,
to take me through the apps,
talk to his US colleges for advise,
and making sure everything is done perfectly to ensure me a fair shot.

i want the hardwork of his colleges to be paid off too.
the recommendation letters they wrote for me were way too flattering and unreal.
but they sincerely believe in my potential,
and what i can do,
even if i doubt myself.
i cannot bear to tell them im not going to US,
becoz i havent got a scholarship/financial aid.
it'll all be for nothing.

the last reason is simply to prove skeptics wrong.
with my mediocre results and clumsiness with words,
i know a few ppl who reckon i havent got a chance.
i actually think so too,
but the acceptance from Purdue has changed my view.

i have sth far more powerful and effective
than platinum results and flowery words -
i have God.

he has shown me a million times before,
how he can perform miracles
and help me through ordeals.
he can change hearts and minds.
i believe that as long as he's on my side,
i can go the distance.

i want to see their faces drop,
see their jaws hanging wide open,
when i tell them im going to US.

i want them to think silently,
"how the HECK was that possible for HER?!?"
and then the answer would come to them:
"because God was on her side."

i want them to realise the strength i have,
through God's peace and power.
i want them to see that Christians arent just for show,
we believe in what we cannot see,
and trust in the power we can feel.

results and merits,
that we can see.
but faith is about "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Heb 11:1)

i cannot see God,
but i have faith in him.
not that i will go to US,
but that his perfect will shall be done.

it was scary for me at first,
imagining the colleges critically looking at my app,
and going, "oooh a little dodgy here, arent we...?
shall we or shall we not?"

but then this verse comforts me:
"The one who is in you
is greater than the one
who is in the world."
(1 Jn 4:4)

of course,
God is way greater than those college ppl.
he can control everything.
if he wants me to go to US,
then i shall,
even if my app stinks.

so now,
i shall go and practise my piano,
find my inner peace,
and prepare for the first day of sch on friday.

one bright side is that as a senior of the sch this yr,
im allowed to wear 'mufti',
which means i dont have to wear uniform.
PLUS, i can leave sch during intervals and lunch,
and during study periods.
WHEEEE!!!

back, i think

2008-01-12T19:32:00.000+08:00

", he's just a kid at heart."

i apologise sincerely for my long, unexplained absence.
it is wrong, very wrong of me.
bad jenny.

i have been busy with college apps,
and have been going downhill for some time
but thank God things are starting to look up.

i understand that blogging is crucial,
it helps me update u guys whats going on here
and vice versa.

but recently i have felt God working in me,
and i have changed in my mindset.

before, i used to enjoy blogging because i think a lot and i need my blog as an output source for all those crazy thoughts running around.
i needed to pen them down to organise and get my head around them.

i have been praying for God to change me,
and now he has.
i still think abt stuffs,
but i no longer feel the impulse to write them down,
or comment so much on ppl and things,
even on myself.

one's heart and spirit are difficult things to judge and describe.

it's hard to simply say that someone is "good",
or "nice",
or "caring".

such words were invented by humans to set standards for each other.
they are not sufficient to truly capture the depth and vast sophistication of the heart and spirit of humans created by God.

so these days,
i speak less,
but i still see and hear and think.

i try not to judge,
and i would like to think im improving.

i have gone into the habit
of thinking quietly abt my past, present and future.

i like to think quietly,
and then sleep after that.

i do not come up with fantastic philosophies abt life,
nor answers to my qns,
but i still like to think.
difference is,
i dont rush myself now.

what is a few years compared to eternity?

God is the best judge of character,
so i leave all to him.

i just live my life in faith,
to walk each step in prayer.

p.s because you are such a good friend of mine,
and because this is a Christian-based blog,
i'll tell u sth i've been thinking abt.

recently i've been thinking abt the spiritual gifts of God.
every Christian has one,
so i've been told.

i wouldnt say im the best Christian,
but i would like such a gift from God.

i look at the list of spiritual gifts mentioned in the bible,
and i think none of them is present in my life,
and i dont feel i have them.
except for one.

the gift of faith.

im not sure though.
im really not.
and who am i to decide if thats my gift?

but i think thats a really cool gift.
i'll really like that.
and i'll pray for that.

God has prepared a present for all of us,
it'll be a pity not to ask for it and open it.

i encourage you to seek your spiritual gift,
identify it and acknowledge it,
then use it to bless others
with the blessings you have received.

google "spiritual gift" and lots of links come up,
there are even tests to find out your spiritual gift.

they may not be accurate,
and at the end of the day,
you have to feel inside your heart
to know what is your gift,
but still,
the links are fun starting points!(:

so yea,
all the best for the new school year!

thurs exam.

2007-11-22T16:35:00.000+08:00

", barney is a dinosaur; from our imagination."

media paper was alright.
calculus paper was rather terrible.

dont think can get E for that.
hopefully an M.

last paper tmr.
english.

full Es for that hopefully.

im at the halfway point,
deciding if i shld do architecture in univ.
its starting to sound like a very cliche choice.

i've been asking abt it,
from someone who's studying it now.
it seems to suit me.
but i dont know.
i still prefer general Design,
like graphics or jewellery design.
maybe interior.

we'll see.
i dont think univs in aust will even accept me now,
coz i have to finish my last yr of schooling next yr.

ohwell.

no harm trying.

i like the sound of the Design programme in Univ.of NSW.

wed study.

2007-11-21T05:56:00.000+08:00

", when i grow up;"

edinburgh univ is awesome.
i didnt know it's ranked 3rd in uk
and in the top100 world ranking.

i really like one particular course they offer,
BA of Architecture or sth,
which leads on to a 2yrs study in Design.
it's exactly what i'm looking for.
it combines almost all of my interest.

hmm yea,
so these days,
in the midst of final exams
and preparation for SAT/ACT,
i have been surfing the net for information on these univs:

Edinburgh Univ.
Univ.College of London.
Univ. of Syndey.
Univ. of NSW.

all top choices, i know.
stiff competition and all that.
i'll apply for a few more safe schs.
im not silly.
it'll be a miracle if i can get into any of those univs.

as for the states,
i really need recommendations.
i have no idea which univ to apply to.

i mean,
the ivy league is fine and dandy,
but do i really want to aim so high?
more like,
can i??

arent there good univs in the states
that are not in the league?
come on d,
i need some names.

so yea,
in total im probably going to apply at abt 10 univs.
hahh.
thats what u call kiasu.

but seriously,
who knows?
i dont even know which country i want to go to
(though edinburgh in scotland is highly appealing).

anyway,
it's hardly my choice.
i'm not good enough to choose.

ok back to revision.
two more exams tmr.

and classical studies exam ytd was fantastically shocking.

more than half the ppl left the examination within the first 2 hrs of the exam.
and i dont blame them.

i mean,
every single paper had elements of unknown and untaught contents in it,
who would have the gut and knowledge to do the papers anyway?

how often to do u get papers
that ask qns never taught or seen before?

fortunately,
despite my limited revision,
i managed to dig out enough info from my memory to finish the papers to my best.

i dont dare to think abt the results,
all i can say is,
if i dont score full Excellences,
very few can,
coz < thirty ppl stayed till the end of the exam to finish the papers.

imagine the probability of possible Es.

CV crap.

2007-11-15T15:18:00.000+08:00

", to hell with my CV;"

it's still the same.
nothing has changed.
with dad i mean.

last night we went to the prize giving ceremony of Burnside High, 2007.

which is funny,
coz the students havent taken the eoys yet.
so the prizes were based on the sch prelims,
or sth.

either way,
apparently i didnt do well enough to earn myself a prize.

big deal.

dad asked if i was disappointed,
yes, duh, of course.
why wouldnt i be?

i tried my best,
i gave it a good shot,
i got results to be proud of.

but still.
it wasnt good enough.

it never will be,
will it?

thats the way things are.
i can try forever,
but never gain any recognition.

sure,
God sees and He knows,
He will reward me one day.

but i'm living in a practical world.
its just hard to take failure.

oh have i mentioned?
some time ago,
i sent out my manuscipt to 4 NZ publishers,
3 have rejected it
and 1 probably didnt even get it.

so yea.
im a failure through and through.
i've never really achieved anything.

dad says lots of younger kids see me as a role model,
because of me,
they have taken up writing, piano and sports of all kinds.

im flattered,
really.
but they shouldnt.
honestly.

if i think abt it,
i really havent achieved anything.
name me one u can think of.

PSLE top 10 in sch?
yes, well,
there was only one EM1 class in my p.sch.
out of 30 kids,
how hard is it to be in the top10?

sec 3 chosen for BSP and IP?
again, probablility was high.
many kids, yes,
but many places too.
so no surprises there.

singing and dancing talents?
if u even consider me to have those.
i just love dancing and took some lessons,
im no pro.
and singing?
put me with a toad
and we'll make some harmony.

publishing a book?
that was just a crappy online publisher,
u can give them rubbish and they'll publish it.
and btw,
may i add that i havent sold a single copy
except the ones i bought myself?

yf exco '06?
in case u havent noticed,
there werent a lot of candidates that yr.
i dont even know why i got chosen,
probably coz i aced the bible quiz or sth.
so what.
it just shows im a proven nerd.

yf exco '08 (in NZ)?
again, not many good candidates,
i was just highly sociable
and read the bible more often than the average Christian teen.
shortly after i got elected,
i heard that some girls werent happy with my win.
so much for general support.

hmm what elese?

ohyes, 3rd place in yr 12 Design?
to be honest,
i didnt like my own work much.
my tchr just liked it coz apparently its David Carson style,
who btw is a bigshot designer of some sort.
and so what if i got 3rd?
there were only prizes for 1st and 2nd places.

and whatelse?

ohright, full Excellences in my Media sch prelim papers?
yes i admit,
im proud of that.
but again,
it wasnt good enough was it?
didnt get a prize for that either.

and full Excellences for Classical Studies too?
yesyes.
but as usual,
not good enough.

so there u go.
what a complete screw up.
nth to my name at all.
and if i do have any achievements,
it's not mine,
it's God's.

i can never achieve anything by my own abilities,
that i have to say.

it's becoming quite depressing these days,
thinking abt my achievements (or lack of them),
and what i've done to actually make my parents proud.

it's been ages since i went onstage to receive any prize,
the last time being in p.sch.

sometimes it feels like im doing better and better in life,
but then again,
i wonder what exactly have i been doing better in.

i havent earned any credits,
i havent wowed anyone with any works,
i havent even managed to save a soul for Jesus.

"i dont need the sch's recognition," i told dad.

and i really dont.
i feel like i've done my best.
i prayed and relied not on my strength,
but on His power.
im proud of my results,
and thats the end of it.

i dont give two hoots abt prizes.

but thats not what he said.
ohno.
he had to go on.

"that's where u're wrong!
sch recognition is what u need for ur CV!!
the prizes u get in sch will be recorded down!"

oh bullocks.
seriously.
to hell with my CV.

i've worked so hard over the yrs,
always thinking abt my CV.
and where has it got me?

nowhere.

and kids who dont even know what CV is,
they're the ones getting prizes for God knows what.
and half of those who got prizes last night dont even know what it means to be stressed.

its unfair,
but who am i to complain?

like dad says,
do i question the fairness of the sch in the judging?

yes,
i do,
but i know i shldnt.

the sch's always fair,
isnt it?
its always right.
the ones who go on stage are always the best
and forever will be.

brilliant,
really,
im just so enlightened now.

note the deep sarcasm in my tone pls.

im not a sore loser,
really im not.
i dont deny the results of the prize winners.
all im saying is,
there are some things
that cannot be measured by results
or prizes.

things like character.
hardwork.
determination.
motivation.
PRAYERS.

these are more impt,
and not enough recognition are given to them.

im not saying i have those qualities,
im just saying that i think prizes and results are way overrated.
way over.

and CV?

read my lips:

I DONT CARE.

ANYMORE.

im sick and tired
of the world's way of measuring one's capabilities.

what abt those born with lower IQ?
those who try really hard,
but just cant achieve as much?
is it their fault?

from now on,
i study for my own pleasure.
i always love sch,
i love my subjects.
design, media, classical studies, english, calculus.

i love them all.
thats why i studied.
and got those results.

i mean,
9 Excellences and 2 Merits,
(and one of the paper which i got Merit, that was the highest anyone got. No one got an Excellence for that paper),
what else could i have asked for?

i will still be a mugger at heart,
CV or no CV.
im proud of what i can do,
and cannot,
because thats the way i am.

i dont need recognition.
i know im good.
narcisstic as it sounds.
but yea,
i dont need man's praise.

so yea.
i've realised im basically the kind of girl,
who even when she's failed miserably in everything
and everyone is saying she sucks,
still thinks she's done well.

because i know that,
i've put in my best effort.
and God was with me when i did it.
thats all that matters.

last day

2007-11-14T03:51:00.000+08:00

today is the last sch day of the yr.
i dont know what to feel.

many form 7ths (i.e. JC 2 ppl) would be leaving for other places.
next yr will be very different without them i guess.

i suppose the significance of today
hasnt hit me with full force yet.

even though i know very well
that after today
i will not see some of my friends
for a very long time.
maybe never again.

after today,
i will never get to wear sch uniform again.
becoz in form 7 we get to wear mufti
i.e. home clothes.

after today,
my competitive journey
to fight for a place in a state college
will officially begin.

after today,
it'll be the end of my beginning here
in a new land.

i have so many emotions in me.
it's been exactly one yr,
me being here.

i wish i can say more,
to you guys in sg,
and my friends here.

but i cant even begin to find words
to express my thoughts.

it hasnt been easy,
coming here,
but i've made the most of it.

i have no regrets,
saying goodbye to friends
who are leaving Burnside High.

at the same time,
i still hold the memories of sg
closely to my heart.

thank you Father.
for this part of ur plan.
me being here,
and everything else.

vote.

2007-11-09T08:31:00.000+08:00

pls view and vote(:

these are campaign competitions that i participarted in and i need votes in order to win (sort of).
THANK YOU!

(p.s u dont have to be a member to vote,
u can sign in and vote as a guest)

http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/Blogs/BlogView.aspx?bid=16807&=PPIMEMAIL&isep=1&pbapi=172260&pbvi=6513346

http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=147318_79675524&=PPIMEMAIL&isep=1&pbapi=172260&pbvi=6513346

nearing end.

2007-11-06T09:38:00.001+08:00

", i like my sun with a sprinkle of rain;"

prelims are over,
in case i havent mentioned that yet.
they've been over for a few wks now,
and im quite happy with my results(:

only 2 more wks till eoys,
tension is building
and pressure is on.

(and as one of my tchrs like to say,
"Pressure's on,
don't stuff up!" XD)

these days,
i really miss my good friends in sg.
it's like,
suddenly the noises in life are blocked out
and all i can hear is my own breathing
and the memories i have.

it gets really depressing sometimes,
coz no one here can understand,
not even my family.

i mean,
sure, they'll sympathise and all,
but i cant emphasise enough
how much i really miss the girls.

thank God for some drama in my life,
to keep my mind occupied.
i'll start studying soon,
this wk,
i swear.

then after eoys,
comes SAT and ACT.

then after that,
i'll start preparing Christmas presents,
and finish designing a logo
for dad's new company.

and oh
gotta start having driving lessons
from dad.
once i get a car, that is.
he's still looking
and comparing prices
to find the best,
but i'll get one,
he promised.

this wk on monday,
i was mucking around the hse
for far too long
and was running late for sch.
i was panicking coz i havent made my lunch
but then i saw that mum had made it for me
when she saw me rushing around
getting ready.

i love daddy and mummy.

these days im starting to think
maybe flatting wouldnt be as great
as i think.
i'll miss my family.

and these days
i realise i've found a new tag line.
jamie was asking me
why wasnt i doing hmwk,
and i replied,
"i cant be bummed to do hmwk."

it got stuck on me,
so now i keep saying,
"i cant be bummed to do (this-and-that)..."

this entry is starting to sound real sluggish,
like im turning into a pig.
maybe i am.
maybe its just PMS.
but dont worry
i'll get a grip.

exams always does the trick.

yesterday
i invited some bmt ppl to YAG camp.
it's gonna be next april,
during term 1 break,
but now's Super Early Bird registration,
so i figured i might as well ask some ppl.

for those who has never tried,
and dont know,
it is NOT easy
inviting ppl to an evangelistic camp.

the mental stress i went through prior to that...
the time i spent praying and even fasting...
the number of times i've told vic
that im so nervous that i feel like puking...
gosh.

i dont know why i was so nervous.
maybe coz they're guys.
maybe coz i dont really know.
we dont even talk.
maybe coz im afraid of failure.
i felt like i was doing sth for God,
so its incredibly impt.
i felt like i couldnt face a failure.

i prayed for courage,
for wisdom of speech,
for an opportunity.

the opportunity came,
though rather late,
didnt get to talk to them
till later during the game.

courage?
yea well
see, thing is,
i didnt really have time
to puke up courage.
i panicked
coz i thought we were going home already.
so i just went straight up
and told them everything.

i didnt say it very well either
(so much for wisdom)
i basically gabbled and pointed a lot
(at what? i dont know)
somehow
by some miracle
he said he'll consider
(the other guy was too old for the camp),
so i gave him a registration form
and told him to ask his other friends.
he said he'll get back to me
after he asked them.

one of them goes to church sometimes,
but i dont reckon he's a Christian,
the rest probably havent even heard of Christ,
so im just praying real hard now
that all of them will be able to go.
(i'm going,
in case i havent mentioned that.)

God's power is made perfect in weakness.

thank goodness for that.
i think im a complete failure
at promoting camps and the likes.

note to self:
never try be a sales person in future.
stick to being a consumer.

exams.

2007-10-09T07:12:00.000+08:00

", when one falls down, there's two to pick her up;
God and herself."

prelims stress.
who'd have thought?
i thought stress level would be lower here.
but mehh.
not really.

every moment i spent outside sch is a sliver lining now.
going to youth grp on sat,
worship service on sun,
bmt on mon and weds,
working on fri...

i treasure every little blessing more than ever now;
i notice ppl around me
and im learning to appreciate them more.

term 4 started ytd
and i think it will fly past me like a storm.
after 2wks prelims,
i have a mth of normal sch days,
and then its the exams.

after exams there will be no more sch,
so including the study leave i have during exams,
sch actually break up from mid nov to mid feb for me.

3mths!!

yayy the bright side of life~XD

jamie is a freaking sharp observer.

bmt changes.

2007-10-08T08:15:00.000+08:00

ok quick one before i start class.

the family isnt playing bmt on sunday anymore.
we're playing on mon and wed nights.

not a very exciting update yes i know.
but it will get exciting.
soon.

i hope.

SAT/ACT

2007-09-28T12:48:00.000+08:00

', the tears that don't fall.'

it's funny how things work.
recently i've been thinking abt doing the SAT and ACT tests.
for those who don't know,
they are tests take in US and, well, they're just a big deal basically.
i suppose if one does well in those tests,
they have sth to show the top colleges.

but anyway,
dad and i decided the education system here in nz is crap.
they say its internationally recognised,
but its not really.

A'levels is what i call internationally recognised.
it's tougher, sure, but better than what we have here.

so dad reckons if i wanna get a fair chance at going to US or england for univ, i gotta do external tests like SAT and ACT that are widely done all over the world.
its like a standard kind of testing or sth.

funnily enough,
ytd i talked to dd on msn and i asked her abt the tests and US colleges.
i must say,
that talk with her sparked my old dream of going to the states for univ.
(well to be honest,
my first dream was to go to Cambridge,
but mehh,
they dont do media and design)

immediately after the msn conv. with dd ended,
i googled SAT and ACT.
for the rest of that day,
i was downloading and reading,
surfing and checking.

By midnight, after almost exactly 12 hrs,
i had registered online for a SAT and ACT test,
on 1st Dec and 8th Dec respectively.

yea kindda hasty it seems,
but i realised time was running short if i want to aim for college in oct next yr.
the tests have scheduled dates and its not very often.
dad figured if i dont do well in the dec tests,
then i can still have a shot in jan or march next yr.

im quite excited abt the tests actually, though nervous too.
the family is planning to fly over to wellington with me for the ACT test,
coz the ACT doesnt have a test centre here in christchurch.

we'll be there for the weekend, then flying back before monday coz its not the summer holidays yet ><"

heyy dd,
this does not mean im going to US for college yea? XD
im just trying my luck,
but thanks for the talk ytd,
it gave me a good boost of confidence~

i feel kindda bad for telling u all those stuffs ytd,
spoilt ur dream of everyone meeting up one day..
i hope u dont give up on that dream,
i for one really wish to see everyone again,
just to see how much we've all changed,
even if we cannot be like how we were in the past.

copied.

2007-09-21T08:40:00.000+08:00

", spring."

updates:

-youth grp election results:
+Jacob, president
+Angel, vice pres
+Steph, Treasurer
+Judy&Douglas&Jenny, Acitivites Group
+Rachel&Johnny, Care Group
+Amy, Logistics
+Vicky, Secretary

-upcoming events im involved in:
+beach outing, tmr; games IC
(yea, obviously, thats what Activities Group ppl do XD)
+brother's day, next wk; organisation of games
+pianist for brother's day praise&worship (first time omg!!)
+prelims in first and second wk of term 4, early october
+results of prefects selection
(yes i applied for Student Support Prefect, but its really just becoz everyone is saying its good for my records if i apply for univ or sth..
and since im hoping to go to England for univ, anything that is useful is good.)
+exhibition of about thirty yr12 design works in the city art gallery over the next two wks of holiday
(whoopee my first exhibition!)
+new car promised by dad
(i've got my learner's license so now all i need is a car to start learning practical..)

results in school so far, term1-3:
+Classics research paper, Merit
+Classics internal assessment, Excellence
+Calculus internal assessment, Excellence
+English wide reading, Completed
+English formal writing, Excellence
+English creative writing, Excellence
+English oral presentation, Excellence
+Media internal assessment, Excellence
+Design 2.2 assessment - Merit
+Design end of year folio (halfway) - Excellence (so far)

yepp i think thats abt all the time i have for now to update!

havent really got anything interesting to say,
not that life is boring.
im really happy now,
a smooth creamy sort of bliss.
the bliss of every day life.

im learning, im growing, im changing.
for the better.
thats all that matters i suppose.

in case u're worried,
no im not changing into a western airhead bimbo(:
im still a nerd,
and i still read the bible.

i have changed in the sense that i am more...
at peace with everything around me?
i used to hate lunching alone,
but now im alone every lunch,
not becoz i havent got anyone to hang out with,
but becoz i choose to be.

and im perfectly happy this way,
surprising yes.
i never thought i would change into someone like this.
its nothing bad i guess?

i suppose its a cultural difference.
the chinese here are all sugar and glitters,
while the kiwis are all going effs and bfs.
i belong in neither groups.
but im fine with it,
im not being outcasted,
neither am i excluding ppl in my life.

its all good(:

new exco.

2007-08-15T08:25:00.000+08:00

", when it reaches the climax, it starts to go down."

i'm back,
but sadly not with a lot of updates~

i've just been busy with reports and projects,
going to church, writing, playing the piano.
everyday is so busy.

umm the biggest news i have right now,
is being elected into the church youth grp exco for the rest of this yr till next yr term 4.
the posts are not yet decided yet,
but we are asked to pray abt these positions and think abt what we might want to volunteer for:

1. President
2. Vice pres (the vice pres will automatically be pres for the organisation of youth grp camp next yr, its a tradition like UB ^^)
3. Secetary (umm sp error?? ><")
4. Logistics (in charge of snacks and other such things after every youth grp session)
5. 2 care group leaders (one male, one female; both in charge of welcoming and getting to know newcomers, also responsible for the bonding and overall relationships within the youth grp)
6. 2 games leaders (any gender; both in charge of organising games when it is Potluck Day or Fun Day)
7. 2 praise&worship leaders (any gender; both in charge of scheduling worship leaders and band members each wk; have to call up ppl in charge to make sure everyone involved has the music score sheets)

yepyep so 10 positions altogether~
hmm well i have thought abt it actually,
and i think i will volunteer for either care group or games leader.
if not, praise and worship leader is fine with me too,
just that it'll be a new job!

while im on this topic,
i might as well share my feelings abt the newly elected exco.

to begin with,
there are a lot of ppl i didnt expect to be voted in.
while im happy for them,
its worrying to know i will be working with them for a yr,
because these ppl are.. not fantastically easy to get along with.

looking at the new exco,
i notice that many are either young in faith,
or have no faith at all.
they are good youths,
enthusiastic and bright.
but in terms of a healthy relationship with God,
i think we still have a long way to go.

i admit i am disappointed that the truly faithful ones were not voted in.
an example would be jamie.
despite her young age,
she does her quiet time daily and faithfully,
requesting for prayer support from the family often.

it is disappointing that the youth grp,
being made up of insecure teens unsure of what they want,
are unable to see ppl for who they really are,
but judge based on the surface.

i was discussing this matter with Caren,
the ex-vice pres of the youth grp.
She tells me that it feels like the voting of exco members,
is like a voting for the most popular ppl,
the ones with personality, looks and/or ability,
the ones with large social circle and are on good terms with the previous exco.

i dont know how i fit into any of those categories,
but like last yr,
God has once again given me an opportunity to serve the church
and i intend to do better than what i had done (or not done) in sg.

i am not saying the youth grp voted in any "wrong" ppl.
everyone is entitled the right to serve and lead in church.
there is no one "unsuitable" or "wrong" for the job.

what i meant was,
to truly lead the youth grp into a state of spiritual maturity,
shouldnt the leaders themselves first be the light and salt of God?
shouldnt they first be persistent and faithful in prayer?

rather than continue to moan and rant abt the "wrong" decisions of the youth grp,
i have decided to look at things in perspective,
and use the other exco members as a mirror for myself.

i will learn what shld be learnt from them,
and correct myself accordingly in places i am not yet perfect.
even if the others are a mistake,
i will not let myself be a mistake in God's plans.

Christchurch Chinese Church is a blessed place,
i have heard abt its history and how it started.
it is an inspiring story and i hope to give it all i've got.

my only regret is that i cannot be in Holy Covenant Methodist Church instead.
one can serve anywhere,
but regret is all there is,
if one did not serve her best.

God bless you all in sg,
i pray for you.

bday photos.

2007-07-16T09:07:00.000+08:00

Photos from bday party!!

check out more at

www.wretch.cc/album/jollybeans

from left: Angel, Daniel (aka ah di) and Vic

from left: Vincent, JackJack (aka Jacob), Steph, Agnis and Jamie

Karaoke session!

from left: Vic and Angel

All the girls at the party~

From left: Angel, Steph, Vic, Agnis, Joyce, Jenny, Jamie and Caren.

All boys at the party~

From left: Vincent, Bart, Jason, Jacob, Jenny, Daniel and Peter.

last day of hol.

2007-07-15T10:32:00.000+08:00

", dancing with the memory."

first day of term 3 tmr
goodbye sadness and emo-ness.
hello old hardworking jenny.

good luck to me trying to get a scholarship(:
i know i've lost sight and focus on my (or God's) original dreams and goals for a while in term2,
but now i'm back on track and as far as i can see, nothing is gonna stop me from getting to where i (or God) want to get to.

i have good friends and a supportive family.
i will survive~

p.s i just finished The Five People You Meet In Heaven.
it's awesome, love it!
if only heaven really is like that eh,
like i have a pretty good idea of whats going on in my life,
but there are still some stuffs i would like to make more sense of,
such as why some things happen, or dont.
and why ppl do things, or dont.

hmm i was having fun that day trying to guess,
if there are really five ppl im gonna meet in heaven,
who would they be?
who would i wish to meet?

my life hasnt been so sad
such that it is filled with death and despair,
so right now i can only think of one person
i'll like to meet in heaven,
even though i know we will all meet there one day.

Grandpa;
i wish to apologise for my bratty behaviour to him when i was still really young,
and i want to ask him how it feels like to suffer and die a slow painful death,
it was probably cancer?

we can guess abt life,
but we will never know.

pool.

2007-07-11T04:33:00.000+08:00

", not just about you anymore."

monday was hilarious.
vic and i got the course date wrong,
so early at 8.30am when we got to Natcoll
(this techonolgy polytechnic where the Digital Photography course is held),
we were told that the course starts only on tues ><"

wahha so we decided since we are already in town,
we might as well source around for a place to rent a video cam for the filming of our media arts film.
but before that we went to have macdonald breakfast
(yesss my fav~)
and sat there chatting for ages before we got going.

circled the inside out of the city centre for ages,
and we had no luck with a video cam.
BUT ooh check this,
we found this really awesome store called Manna,
which sells fantastic Christian stuffs ranging from CDs to books.

I actually bought presents for the twins,
a book with quotes and verses for teen guys,
and a soothing meditation CD with nice worship songs~
and then i got amusing cards to go with those(:

then, we chanced upon a fund raising carnival or sth,
and i bought this sweet unicorn plush toy for Joyce's bday next mth.

oh and i bought contact lens solution for myself,
coz according to a newspaper report in hong kong,
the one im currently using (Amo Complete Moisture),
contains worm-like bacteria that can cause blindness
if used over long period of time.
eeek ><"

finally, we came to this ANCIENT book store
with piles of books from the 70s and 80s.
i mean seriously, those books are OLD and kindda funky(:

the store itself looks and smells old,
and they had this ladder that reached up to the higher shelves.
its like those stores in the old movies,
oh kindda like the wand store in harry potter! XD

it's so cool k,
we spent ages in there just soaking up the vibe of old knowledge,
and it felt amazing.
like going back in time :D

hmm yea so basically four hours later i was loaded with shopping bags
and we made our way to the university,
where i was told i can borrow video cam.

vic went home and i stopped by the univ to get the cam.
didn't take long to find that loan place.
thankfully they are willing to lend me on the account my dad is a staff there.
but first i needed my dad's signature for the form.

so i went up to his office but he wasn't in.
waited around eating sultana chocs
and he came back abt half an hr later.

got him to sign the paper,
used the Internet for a quick email reply to lynn,
then went back to the store to hand in the paper.
they told me to return at 3 to collect the cam,
IF they have one available for me.

returned to the office,
Internet again,
then went to get cam but realised i need to buy a tape for it.
went back to office to get money,
and went down to get cam and tape.

so finally, at close to 4pm,
i got the cam~ = ="

but then i also received a txt from bart.
he was bored at home so he asked if i wanna join his friends for a drink or sth.
i said ok, told my dad where i was going,
then met bart and his friends then we drove to town.

so sian... didn't want to go back to town..
just walked for 4hrs there la~
but then it's three against one,
so i went,
and they didn't even tell me where we were going = =

we ended up in a popular hang out called Q-World,
where ppl go and play pool.
i admit i was a little worried what sort of ppl will be there..
i mean, pool?
come on...
isnt that a game played by bored drunk ppl in pubs?

but my biased opinion against pool was proved wrong.
the place turned out to be pretty decent and clean with good music playing.
it was full of pool tables where ppl just book by the hr and play with their friends, chatting and playing friendly games.
no pub XD
i even met agnis there by sheer coincidence! ^-^

so bart taught me how to play pool,
like how to put my left hand on the table so it becomes a support for the pole,
then right hand hold the pole.
and there's a 3point rule - hand, head, chest,
and to make a good straight shot,
one has to get down low by making sure all 3 points of the body are along and touching the pole.

then there's the stripe and colour rule,
where one party chooses a type of ball - stripes or coloured.
and for the rest of the game he/she can only hit that type of ball.

blahblahblah.
didn't really get the whole idea,
but i know the gist enough to have a good time.
was fun la~
i could actually hit the balls,
just couldn't really get them in XD

then watched bart and his friend winston play a proper game.
darn pro!!
his other friend, sharon, and i played a game too.
hehh we couldn't get any ball in
so eventually we let the boys finish the game for us :P

after that winston sent everyone home.
haha coincidentally we're all malayasians/singaporeans,
so it felt nice and homey around them.

then ytd was the first day of the course.
really awesome!
went into a proper studio to shoot some photos,
learnt to operate a digi cam,
like adjust the white balance, aperture, shuttle and film speed etc
to achieve the best results with photos.

then after that vic and i met up with johnny to start on our media filming.
wasn't too bad except we didn't have a tripod stand so a lot of shots we can't actually shoot properly.
went home at about 5pm.

today we bring in an object from home we want to advertise
and learn how to use photoshop to beautify people,
like make the wrinkles disappear,
whiten the teeth etc etc.
but arrghhh i can't keep up!!
the tchr is going tooo fast~

and later in the aftnn we're going back into the studio to shoot the object we brought.
tmr we are models for each other and shooting our friends in the studio,
then we heading out into the city to shoot some buildings/scences to set as the background.

finally on friday we putting all 3 elements together using photoshop layering and other tools to create an advertisement for the product.
pretty cool actually XD

ohyea in case u haven't already guessed,
im in the Natcoll comp lab now using the comp here,
it's break time now(:
lesson will commence in 15mins.

gonna continue filming later today after class at 3pm,
and we are aiming to finish filming by tmr
coz the cam needs to be returned on friday.

gahh so busy..
haven't touched homework yet ><"

term 3 starting next wk..
think it'll be super hectic.
gotta do sound and music recording for the film,
editing the shots and putting in the credits.

then there's design portfolio which will be a mad rush and huge project,
will take up the entire term 3 and might carry into term 4.
and of course there's all the tests and exams that are coming up.

whoo i've decided to forget abt getting a part time job this yr.
i'll start working next yr after i quit the sch badminton team.
then i'll be able to save some money and go travel!! ^0^

k i promise i'll update abt my bday party last wk soon!
im typing it out in Word first at home,
then saving it in USB and bringing it here to post.

take care everyone!

back.

2007-05-28T16:03:00.000+08:00

", the sweetness in this bitterness."

so much happened ytd.
it changed everything.

but i guess it was a reminder from God that we must always be patient and trust in Him.
and never forget that He is always in control of all situations, good and bad.

i cant say im sad now.
but im not exactly as happy as before.
lets just say that im humbled and broken inside once again,
becoz of what the Lord has done.

this time He didn't shower His blessings upon teddy and me directly.
it was good at first, but then things took a turn and ended up rather horribly.

we were both emo-ing last night,
becoz reality struck us and we realised we may eventually still have to split.
it was as i feared all along.
that things may end before they even started.

basically, my parents made it clear they hoped for me to try for a scholarship to america.
they believe i have the potential and to waste it would be a disappointment to God.
they think im trying to take the easiest way out by choosing to go to UC.

so at that time, i felt so crushed as i realised i cant go on being so emotionally attached to teddy.
i felt guilty and a strong desire to be a full time geek so that my parents have nth more to complain abt.

i txted teddy and we both agreed we would take a step back in our feelings and go back to being incredibly normal friends.
we would go on a long long journey seperately,
a journey of waiting and persistent prayer.
and eventually, hopefully, we will meet again.

it felt terribly like a break up,
except there's nth to break in the first place.
we've always just been friends,
only the emotions were complicated.

today, i knew things would be different between us.
and they are.
the barrier is back again.
and im not pinning this on my parents.

i admit i feel disappointed, maybe even angry, with teddy,
becoz he's so willing to take back his feelings and seal them up until its safe to release them again.
i know its not easy for him, but he's willing to cooperate.

but then now...
perhaps the Holy Spirit is working in me,
but i feel suddenly relieved.
immensely relieved and somewhat happy.

we are friends again.
no more emotional responsibilities,
no more late night calls that sacrifice sleep or study time,
no more chiding from parents coz of our cellphone bills,
no more hiding or sneaking around when we meet in church.

it's not like it was bad when our feelings for each other was wide and open,
but becoz of our duties in our seperate lives,
we have to handle our parents, studies, friends...
and it gets mentality and emotionally draining for us to unofficially be "more than friends".

we were never in a relationship, i should make this clear.
we never did anything to dishonour our parents.

now that we both have put some restrain on our feelings,
and set out clear guidelines to what we can/can not do,
it feels so much easier and lighter.

we're both waiting and praying.
our feelings are still there.
but for now,
due to the circumstances,
we choose to harness our feelings and turn it into sth good.

like a driving force that moves us forward,
spiritually together.

i dont know what the ending for us will be like.
but i feel God has spoken to me today.

i fasted and prayed this morning,
becoz i felt so in need and desperate.
i read Proverbs 30 and i prayed for 20mins.

then i went to sch and met my prayer buddy agnis during study period.
she was thoughtful all the time, after i told her abt my problem with my parents and asked for her to pray for me.

eventually she turned to me and said sth so incredibly amazing and beautiful that i wanted to leap up and scream with excitement:
"Jenny, i had a dream last night... sort of like a dream...
i was praying for u, and many other ppl, and a name came into my head,
as though God was speaking to me.

"and i was just wondering...
the guy u like...
his name is not ____, is it...?"

she did say teddy's actual name,
and i was so amazed my jaw dropped.

i have NEVER told her ANYTHING abt teddy,
except that i like someone.

and yet she heard his name while she was praying for me.

when i confirmed the name that she had heard was the name of the guy i like,
she looked so happy i wanted to hug her.

"i was so afraid to ask u,
coz im worried that if the name is wrong...
then it probably came from the devil!"

then she looked at me, smiled, and said:
"dont worry Jenny...
i think you two will be fine."

and with those words,
my mood changed completely
and my entire day was all right.

one can argue what "you two will be fine" means.
does it mean we'll end up together?

i think thats not impt.
impt thing is, God is with us.
and whatever the ending is,
we will both be happy,
even if it is seperation.

it is a journey with an uncertain end.
and when the two of us reach the end of the journey,
we may not find each other there.

but while we're still on the journey,
i at least intend to make the best out of it.

this is truly sweetness in bitterness.

to friendship,
CHEERS.

Life's surprises.

2007-05-22T10:01:00.000+08:00

", the stars were watching."

God has a way of making life more surprising and entertaining than any tv shows.
He works in ways we cannot see and lead us in every footstep into His plans for us, from small to big.

that night teddy and i talked while the stars watched us.
it's the first time we ever talked in real life,
just two of us.
and standing side by side.
(well technically he was sitting and i was standing next to him)

he wasn't feeling happy,
a good friend made him angry.
i prayed and thanked God for giving me the courage to go find him.

i thanked God for making everything out of nothing that night.
we had lost hopes but He proved himself yet again to be faithful.

because of what happened,
i am determined to pursue an even closer relationship with God.
i've finally picked up the book A Young Woman's Call To Prayer
and it will teach me to pray.

i want to know God's will for me in this matter
and i believe learning to pray wholeheartedly and sincerely will help me.

i have had a change of heart regarding which univ to go to.
but i dont know if this change is from the Lord,
or from selfish wants.

last night i talked with teddy again,
and as usual, he was very honest with me abt his feelings.

he wants to go to University of Canterbury (UC) to study electric engineering.
and he says he hopes i would go there too,
but he knows it's just a selfish want.

coz my dad hopes for me to go to america/england.
but somehow... now... i dont want to leave either.
im not just staying because of teddy.
like i said, it's a sudden change of heart.

i read the study guide and info from UC,
and it really does seem to have a promising arts and fine arts course.
something is telling me im meant to go to UC.

seriously, i know some of you will think, "yea right who does she think she's kidding? she's got to be feeling that way coz of that guy..."

fine, think that way.
i've been through so much these past few mths that i honestly dont care what other ppl think and say anymore.
our conscience is clear.
we have maintained a healthy level of friendship despite how we feel,
and we have not let this strange friendship distract us from our studies.

the more serious issue he raised last night was the question of how long we can maintain this friendship.. how much longer can we endure this secrecy and undefined relationship.

it's easy to say take it easy,
be friends first and get to know the other person.

but we've been there done that.
we have developed a rapport and it's like we know what each other is feeling and thinking.
when we talk, it's not just surface things like,
oh how was ur day?
nice weather today eh..
my tchr/friend/parent did this and that today..

we actually discuss abt the future and our lives and the relationships we have with friends and family.

that good friend who annoyed him asked me sth:
do u guys have, like, the same personality?
(coz he was suspecting sth going on between us)

i said not really...
but inside i was thinking,
but our personalities are complementary.

he knows what to do and say to make me feel better,
and he knows how to handle my personality,
unlike some guys are know who are either too sticky or too cold.

so last night when he raised the issue of going into a relationship,
(it took him pretty long to get the words out and meaning across,
that shy kid XD)
i was actually really glad he took initiative to bring up the subject because i've been wanting to discuss it properly with him.

we dont want to rush,
but we dont want to sneak around and hide things from our parents either.

he's ready, i can tell,
but im being held back by my past..

i told him abt what happened to me 2yrs ago,
that i went to church after that becoz of what a church counsellor did for me.
(and that church counsellor is probably reading this right now,
i'll just like to thank her again for her patience with me back then)

he was very understanding,
and his honesty gave me courage.
but still,
the past has scarred me more than i realise.

im scared to even acknowledge the words "i love u".
im scared to even try to understand the concept of "love".
i start questioning myself how mature i am really.
and i wonder if im ready now.

i thought i was ready, 2yrs ago.
i thought i could handle a relationship and my studies at the same time.
i thought i found love.
i thought one guy could feel up the emptiness in my life.

mum wrote me a note at that time:
"it's not that i dont want u to go into a relationship,
im just worried your small shoulders are not strong enough,
to handle the committment and responsibilities that come with it,
and that you're too young to know what is love."

now, 2yrs later,
those words keep coming back to me.

i have been happy for a yr after that,
i found friends in school and church,
and i found God.
so for one year i didnt give my past a single thought.

now im forced to confront it once again.

have i matured?
are my shoulders stronger now?
do i have a clearer idea now what is love?
do i know better what kind of guy is suitable for me?

i dont know,
i want to say yes to all.
coz i feel like i do.
but i really dont know.
maybe im just living in self denial.

maybe i am still the same kid i was, 2yrs ago.

but here are the things that make me feel like this time it's different from 2yrs ago:

*teddy is real, not virtual,
we met in a church social outing and we started off as friends.

*i didnt know God 2yrs ago, but now i do,
and im praying for His guidance in this matter everyday.

*i feel that this is a relationship that can glorify the Lord,
because both parties pray and wait patiently together.

*my dad knows him personally and likes him,
and vice versa with his mum and me.

*so far, a mth since we confessed our feelings,
our studies have not gone slack at all.

*our good friends in church who know abt us approve of our relationship.

*we can communicate well and speak each other's mind.

*teddy does not make me cry;
he makes me feel blessed.

*we went through a time of inner struggle and self questioning regarding our feelings before letting one another know abt it.
therefore this is not an infatuation or crush.

*God seems to be helping us in small and big ways,
drawing us closer together.

(or is this another self denial?
is this just my own wishful thinking again?
why would God help us if, eventually, His plan for us is to seperate?)

i told teddy i want to give us a chance,
to give it a shot.
but im scared.
i havent gotten over my past yet.

i dont want to fall and hurt myself again.
im unsure of myself.

i dont hope to go into any relationship now,
but i hope maybe next yr, or end of this yr.

he said he would never hurry or force me into this,
he will wait until im ready.

i trust him,
and i trust God.
but i dont trust myself to know what to do.

it sounds ironic.
but i really am thinking a lot abt this.
thats why i need all the prayer help i can get.

im not gonna allow myself to get depressed/stressed abt this.
teddy is a blessing from God,
no matter what satan is up to,
i will only want God's will for me,
for us.

i will be patient, and give thanksgiving.
i will persevere in my prayers and seek for answers in the Lord.

i will not let my normal life be affected becoz of this.
i will not let history repeat itself.

after i get over my past,
there's still the matter of our parents.
as like many other,
they believe high school focus shld be on studies,
and a relationship is a definite NO.

but like teddy says,
if both parties are willing and prepared,
and both mature enough to know their priorities,
then why not?

they also say we shld only get into that when we're in univ,
coz we're not mature enough in high sch to know what we want.

but then i have an argument for that...
if "Univiersity" is the standard to measure how mature we are to get involved in a relationship,
then since australia kids go to univ at age 17 and here we go to univ at 18,
does that mean the kids there are a yr more mature and ready than us for bgr?

to be honest,
many univ students have messed up relationships.
age shld not matter when it comes to relationships.
maturity differs with everyone.

i dont know if the two of us are mature enough now,
but i know to say we cannot go into a relationship becoz we are still in high sch is a lame reason.

i hope to first overcome my past now,
then talk to my parents with him.
i dont know how we're gonna do it,
but we'll manage.

God is our defender and witness to our trials.
i believe everything will work out fine eventually(:

exam tmr.

2007-05-16T19:01:00.000+08:00

", ppl do stupid things when they are sleepy."

i overslept till 9-ish...
so i didnt have much time to revise for calculus exam happening tmr T.T
thank God it's just a common test and not worth credits, which contributes to the end of yr results.

i havent been doing too much deep reflections abt life and stuffs these days.
i will, once my midyrs are over.
you darlings in sg are gonna have holidays soon eh!

so then someone call me to chat pls.
anytime from 12nn - 4pm sg time, any day except wed and thurs.
i cant call anymore coz the last time i did, i used up all the credits in my mum's IP card >~<"

badminton competition in school started today and will continue every wed with different schs.
it was hardly a competition, ppl were just fooling around and not taking it seriously.
but ohwell(:

hmm starting to notice the dark side of ppl in the youth group here.
ppl are pretty on the outside, but they are empty inside.
(not that im full or anything = =")

really innocent girls are rare and so far only victoria, my closest friend here, truly qualifies as one.
really mature and sensible guys are few too, and so far, only teddy truly qualifies as one.
oh and ah di, which is great, and im happy for him and vic(:

ok gonnna continue doing calculus qns...
seeya~

mondayness.

2007-05-14T19:49:00.000+08:00

", mummy, what are the stars saying?"

thanks to constant prompting from good friends, im here to do a quick update(:

today all the yr12s in my school went to Careers Expo, which is basically a huge exhibition with lots of booths set up by all the univs and institutions in nz.
the girls were there for, like, freebies and goodies la.

i wasnt interested in all that so i left the crowd and went off by myself, gathering anything that has info on design and media courses.
my arms were aching by the end of the hr.
took so many study guides and course outlines T.T

(in case any one is lost, right now my main interest is still media, but im considering taking design as a minor.
yes i know.
jenny doing design??
surprise surprise.
haii... God fills our lives with so much wonder and surprises eh ^-^)

hmm.. so yea, after the trip to the expo, i realised the unvis here arent so shabby after all.
they might not even be bad.
and despite what my dad says, telling me not to go UC, which is the university he works at, i think it's actually not a bad place.

so.
i will discuss my univ options with him again, to see if he's still bent on sending me to america/england.

ok jamie needs to sleep now.

sorry guys i'll update again asap! ><"

un-emo.

2007-04-30T17:17:00.001+08:00

", who said teddy is a bear? i say he's a piggy! XD"

my first un-emo post since many days! ^0^

hmm yea after i read TP's email and meditated on the matter that was bothering me, i feel lighter and happier now.
no i havent found a solution or answer, but i know i will, sooner or later(:

okok so whats happening in sch now?
firstly, mid yrs coming up in 2 wks time!
mainly for english and maths.

and badminton teams shld be playing soon, so thats good.
coz i can almost feel the fat accumulating in me = ="
it's not funny, i've gained 2 kg (give and take) since coming here!! ><"

good thing teddy's getting fat too! XD
or so he claims... but that makes two of us!
:P

the topic of formal (aka prom, in sg) is becoming increasingly hot in sch now.
the yr12 girls especially are busy discussing what to wear, who to go with, to go or not to go...
and alot of them are hoping to go with a yr13 guy to their graduation prom (which is held later than the yr12 formal).
hahh.
so what else is new.

u must understand that here in a western country, the formal is like an official date to announce and introduce ur bf/gf (or someone u like) to other ppl.
so like, yea...
it's a bigggg thing.

sheesh who cares!
i told teddy im going to stay home that night and chat with him on msn(:

ohoh OMG.
someone added me on friendster and she's my long lost p.sch buddy!!!
YOGHURT!!

thats what we used to call her, somehow XD
cute name, just like her.
she used to be a real tomboy, but now she's in dance and it feels really cool?
awesome~

aww gee.. wish i can meet her again.
and jovial and tracy and amy..
they were my biggest supporters when i first started writing stories.

ok now im more than determined to save up and buy my own plane ticket back to sg at the end of this yr!!

un-emo.

2007-04-30T17:17:00.000+08:00

saturday YG.

2007-04-28T17:27:00.000+08:00

", the sun is shining in my world.!"

these few days it's been raining and the skies are cloudy and grey.
but my world is sunny.

but when i think abt us going to universities, i get really sad.
i dont know whats gonna happen in the future and even though i say i gladly follow God's will, it still takes patience and faith to figure out where He wants me to go and what to do next.

in case u're thinking the wrong thing, jenny is not in any relationship except for friendship.

whats happening is...
well, there's this guy in church whom i met abt 4 mths ago.
basically.. well, yea, he sort of caught my attn.

so that period of time when i got all depressed and emo on the blog?
earlier this yr?

yea, it's coz of him.
i didnt know what i was feeling.
and i felt really lost.

and the frustrating thing was, he never seem to ever look at girls.
or expressed any emotions.
or any thoughts.
he's like a typical sports geek who studies real hard.

these 4 mths have been a bumpy emotional roller coaster ride.
sometimes i feel like we have sth special in our friendship.
sometimes i dont.

then after camp, which was only last wk, it happened.
it happened just a few nights ago actually.
we were talking on msn and he made it clear who he likes.
and i told him how i felt too.
so that night, two ppl were deliriously happy.

thing is, i dont think this is just a casual crush or liking.
we're both serious.

i know thats what every teenage couple says, but we both love God and we both want to do whats right as good christians.
we both want to build each other up and we both know now's not the time.
so in a way, i dont like to classify this as a teenage crush.

it's funny really...
half a yr ago, yulan gave me a book called Boy Meets Girl, which talks abt dating and stuff, from a christian's p.o.v.
at that time i read it and felt v.inspired, but at the same time, thought, "gosh, thats not gonna happen to me, is it? like find a guy who really loves God, his family and friends, and me?"

but now it's happened.
and TP's really happy for me.
so are u guys.

but then... what now?
he's going to university next yr, probably remaining in christchurch.
and me, im going to university the yr after next, most definitely going out of christchurch.

im afraid, confused and worried.
i dont want all these to end before it even starts.

what is God's will for me?
what am i supposed to do?

i want to talk to my parents..
i tell them everything..

but bgr matters are so complicated.
i dont know if they will understand.
because this time... it's different.

i dont think there's anyone else i know who is in my situation...
good friends who like each other and both parties know it...

they pray together, share problems, respect each other physically and emotionally...
yet they arent in a relationship...

God, pls guide me in this matter.
im going to talk to the youth counsellor in church abt this soon.
guide me and help me know what to say to her.

Amen.

happy, shalalala.

2007-04-26T18:23:00.000+08:00

", 我的爱和未来. dreams really do come true."

thanks boy for telling me all that last night.
it was good you found the courage to finally tell me how u feel.
and vice versa.
we're both really happy now(:
stupidly happy.

it seems so innocent and immature right now, our feelings.
but we both love God, and like u said, He will lead the way.

as for me, i believe His plans are the best ones.
i submit everything into His hands and im not too worried whats going to happen to us eventually.
but we will walk on the path of righteous, together, even if just for now.

thank you Lord, for helping me find the courage to face up to my own feelings, to seek Your Will in my decisions and thank you for pointing me in the right direction.

my life has never been so good.
but i know Satan will try and ruin it for everyone.
so i continue praying for your merciful guidance and blessing hand upon us sinners.

forgive us our sins, in thought, word and deed.
renew us and change us so that we may be truly like u.

amen.

confused.

2007-04-24T17:41:00.000+08:00

", not by my Will, but by Yours."

stupid camp.
changed everything.

i'm truly happy that we can talk face to face now, instead of just hiding behind the computer screen...
im really glad that on the last day we could goof around naturally and not feel awkward.

it confirmed the friendship we have and now i know...
you are real.

it started with what they call love at first sight.
but it grew and deepened.
and i believe u feel it too.
but neither of us is saying anything.

thats alright.
im just thankful that both of us acknowledge the immense trust we have between us.

i want u to know, that i thank God for u.

but now there's someone else getting involved.
he's a very sad soul.
he's been through alot on his journey for true love.

i dont want to be a murderer.
a murderer who killed someone's last streak of hope for a better tomorrow.

i was the one who told him he would find someone better.
i was there as a good friend to support him that fateful night, when the one with him shld've been her.
but this isnt how i want things to turn out.

on one hand, u're being very silent and reserved.
on the other hand, he's going to keep advancing and it's hard to miss the signals he's sending.

both of you are really great.
both of you have got brains, sensitivity, the willingness to listen more and speak less...

he's a music talent and academic genius.
composer of the 2 theme songs for this yr's camp.
and student of 5 accelerated classes.

u are a pro in badminton.
probably one of the star players in the sch team.
and u use ur brains and wits in everything u do.

i dont want a choice.
sometimes no choice is the best choice.

i pray to God.
i know His plans are to prosper us.
i know all these will work for the best of all of us.

after all, we're all followers of Christ.

Dear Lord,
thank you for answering my prayers made before the camp.
you have strengthened me and given me answers to the questions in my heart.

im sure this change of events is planned and under ur control.
i pray for patience and a good heart to stay focused on u and let nth distract me.

shine light on the devil's temptations so that i may see them and avoid them.
help me stay on the path of righteousness and faithfulness to You.

the future is in ur hands i know.
knowing this, i have no fear and no worry.
i pray u bless all the hearts who love you.
and forgive us all for our transgressions.

Amen.

lost friendship.

2007-04-12T16:03:00.000+08:00

", to all my besties out there, i wish for true love to always prevail, where ever u are.!"

i never really believed in "friends forever".
i knew ppl use it too casually and with too little expectations.
few ppl use it with sincerity.

but most importantly, it just never seemed possible to me, for friends to be forever.

to me, friends always seemed to be a passing wind.
sometimes a breeze, sometimes a gust, and sometimes they come with the storm.
but nevertheless, they pass after some time,

i believe God gives us two kinds of friends.
the first type comes into our lives when we need help or simply need a friend, or not, depending on the situation.
these are the friends who make an impact on our lives at that time and then we never hear of them again.

the second type stays with us for a longer time in comparison.
they dont make such a big difference in the short run, but at the end of the day, we see the significance of such lasting friendships.

this doesn not mean the second type of friends is more superior or better quality than the first.
it simply differs according to the will of God and the role each of us plays in the life of another.

friends have a purpose in our lives, each one of them, just like we have a purpose in our friends' lives.
of coz, there will be times when casual strangers stroll past us and we call them our hi-bye friends.
and they have a purpose too.

so anyway, today, i want to remember those friends who had made an impact on me while i was in sg, and at that time were very significant to me (still are now), yet now not so close anymore.

i want to remember these friends who changed me in small and big ways, and i wish them all the best wherever they are now.

this is not the complete list, i'll be adding more as i rmb.
those not included here could mean two things:
1) we were never so close until we shared heart felt problems, to begin with.
2) we were close and still are.
-------------------------------------
Jiamin:
My lower primary bestie.
She was the first christian i ever met and showed me what it meant to be a dutiful christian.
In a way, God first made contact with me through her.

BeeHoon&gang:
Class monitress of my p4 class.
she and her groupies made me feel v.welcomed as a new kid in CHIJ(BT), after i transferred there from Qifa.
They were all faithful catholics and attempted to bring me to catholic classes.
another attempt from God to reach me, but failed at that time.
i remained a free thinker.

TheDGS:
mel, gill&shani.
only mel and shani started out as christian and catholic respectively.
the four of us were a clique and we have a huge secret no one shall ever know.

praise the Lord, all four of us are baptised and believers of Christ this day.
the magic has indeed worked.

GirlsOfTheSwing:
pz, hf, yv and dx.
i rmb the times when we used to sit on the swing in nanyang and talk abt everything under the sun, sharing chips (or not = =) and occassionally pushing someone off coz only 4 ppl can get on.

yv is from a good catholic family, and although she made no attempt to convert me, i still thank God for planting a believer among my friends.

Shaun&Mark:
we've been through alot.
we met in a rather unconventional way and the two of you opened my eyes to a world i never knew - a world probably more real than the one im living in.

i wasted a lot of time, i know.
things could've been better.
but i've learnt and grown, thanks to you two.

one was a brother to me, another a good friend.
no one can ever replace the memories i have of you two and i'll always rmb the day when we all met at the bus stop for the first time.

things didnt end on a good note for one of us, but still, i wont forget you guys.
be well.

Haowen:
one of the dear daoshis of hcmc yf.
when i first knew him, i didnt think much of this chap and i wasnt too thrilled when he was appointed my mentor in the yf exco.

time proved me wrong and i saw his servant's heart and willingness to serve and obey.
i rmb the many times when i bombard him with qns abt the christian faith and bible and he was always serious and sincere in answering.
he would research and ask other daoshis in order to give me the best possible answer.

he was also my unofficial math tutor nearing my sec4 eoys.
he would be there during the study grps and he could always solve any math qn thrown at him.

i also rmb my 16th bday last yr.
it was very significant to me and i was incredibly anxious that day.
i had invited seriously all the friends i had.
i invited the DGs, the yfers, sixers... just abt any friend from all parts of my life.

it was the biggest party i ever self organised and i was losing faith in myself and God.
but haowen turned up with his guitar and i knew nth could go wrong.
and nth did.

Nicholas:
my emo binny for a period of time.
he never told me everything abt himself and till today i feel i know little abt him.

but during that time when i was uncertain abt my own identity, he was there (on msn = =), ready to listen to my rants.
he was the only one who saw the real side of me, the complaining, rude, short tempered me.
and he accepted this friend nevertheless.

i've changed now, nicholas, into a better person i hope.
and im happy with who i am now.
thank you for believing in me and teaching me self acceptance.

Coco:
you are one of the few girls who know almost everything abt me.
i'll always rmb that night at the chalet when we talked till midnight and you supported me while i made that difficult decision to call someone.

it's a pity it all had to end just as we were getting to know each other.
time is against us and it's no one's fault that we dont know whats happening to one another now.

but still, i wish you all the best in whatever u're facing now, and whoever is with u now.
God bless and guide you, my dear friend.

Junan:
lion man with a kid's heart.
i rmb the trip to balai; i rmb the outing at sentosa; i rmb the times when u were leading bible study when i first joined hcmc yf.

those were hilarious times becoz u were there with ur sense of lameness.

i didnt really share alot of my problems with u, but i told u my past once, and u're one of the few who know.

im not sure how far things have progressed between you and someone, but i wish u happiness and blessing all the same.
may God use u to bless and enlighten lost souls in the christian faith.

thanks for being such a good brother while i needed one.

Zhixuan:
I rmb discussing politics and worldly issues with u through email and on msn.
those times made me feel grown up and i learnt alot from u.

i rmb how u used to tell me on msn to get off and go study.
and i rmb how u take God's work and words really seriously.

sometimes u're like the big brother i never had, and other times u're a daoshi of the church.
and then for the rest of the times, u're a really good friend who made me realise what are the more impt things in life.

i know u will go on to do great things for God.

Yulan:
i like to call her my angel and benefactor.
she pulled me out of the dark times and directed me towards light.
God has been working to reach me and touch my heart all my life, and he suceeded through this lady.

yulan, i know how difficult things get for u, and it's probably not even half of what i imagine, for God's work is never easy.
but u have a good heart and i know He will bless u.

i pray that u'll have emotional and spiritual strength in ur work, also physical strength, and may all who get to know u be blessed as well.

Gloria:
i still rmb what u told me after my bday party last yr, at the sidegate of my condo.

have faith in the way u were created, dear girl.
i hope u're happier now in a new environment.

i wont forget ur sophisticated ways with language and music.
i hope when we next meet, u'll be a more secure person with plenty of good friends.

god bless.

term 1 break.

2007-04-09T15:37:00.000+08:00

", thank you for the cross, my friend."

term 1 break now.
woots.
i've got an entire wk to myself before i head off for church youth camp for the second wk of the hols, next wk.

hmm sorry for my long absence from this blog.
was in a deep emo pit for some time.
stuffs kept coming up and i had trouble being emotionally stable.

so yea.
but things are pretty much alright now.
big thanks to those who went on emo binge with me:

peter, for listening to me despite his own problems and insecurities.
jason, for always being so cool abt me unloading emo stuffs onto him.
amy, for saying she'll support me (even though she has no idea abt any of my problems).
vic, for being so sane and sensible whenever i need advise and someone to talk to.
TP, for doing email relays with me and forgiving me when im late in reply.
sixuan, for sharing with me her own problems and still remembering me when she's unhappy.

cheers, you ppl are the best(:

ok so now that happy jenny is back, i shall discuss some of the things i learnt during this emo period.

firstly, i realised i am still not spiritually strong enough to know what to do at certain times.
or what not to do.

the bible tells me to hold my tongue for it is wise to do so.
but many times, especially the past few wks, it has become increasingly difficult to do so, mainly because other ppl have been loading their own problems onto me and i found the need to talk to a listening ear.

i chose my confidantes carefully and im confident they will not spill the secrets.
however, it does not change the fact that i have in fact broken my promise to those friends with the problems of not telling others.

so here's a qn for you:
if i revealed the secrets of another to a friend without any intention of spreading the news insensibly or gossip, but purely out of need for spiritual support and help (and im positive my friend will not spill the beans), did i then go against the words of the bible?

also, in doing so, did i also betray the trust of those who confided in me?

this has been eating at my inner conscience but personally i feel that as long as my intentions do not stem from evil and foolishness, but rather, conveyed after much thought and consideration, i have done nth to be ashamed of.

in fact, i think if i tell those ppl who confided in me that i told their secrets to so-and-so, they would understand because they know that friend too and they trust him/her too.

(i put him/her because i have a few close friends whom i confide such things with.)

but anyway, im probably living in self-denial.
so do feel free to tag ur opinion and let me know what u think.

secondly, God has a way of making things better.
after a rather bad badminton session last night, i was positive my easter sunday night was screwed.
but eventually, my friends said some v.nice things on msn and i went to bed feeling cheered up and remained in a good mood for today ^-^

it is true indeed, in all that we do and experience, give thanks constantly and never lose faith in Him.

ok enough of the reflections.
mann it's so frustrating to type now coz dad has forced me to start learning to type the proper ways, using all ten fingers instead of four.
so im typing...... like...... v e r y slooooow....nooowww....

movie outing tmr!!
going to watch Mr Bean with the girl twins and jamie.
and possibly joyce too.

surfed the net for publishers today.
found 5 or 6 possible publishers so as soon as im done editing The Magicator for the last time, im gonna start sending the manuscript out and hopefully i'll get at least one publisher responding.
pray for me yes? ^-^

ok i'll post again soon.
this one's getting wee bit too long XD
BYE!

badminton trial.

2007-04-04T16:01:00.001+08:00

", i should just shut up and accept who i am."

in case you dont know, i had badminton trial for A team today.
and in case you dont know even more, there are 4 sets of teams in any sports.
A, B, C and possible D.

in each set, there are 3 teams.
e.g. A1, A2 and A3.
in which, of coz, A1 would be the best and the A team being the best among all the teams.

therefore, you would understand it's not easy getting into A1.
oh and also, higher than A1, you have the premier team.

and below is a reflection i wrote soon after i arrived home from the trial.
it is deeply emo and depressing.
but kindda inspirational at the end?

so yea, do feel free to leave this blog now if you want to.

---------------------

Badminton trial was a horrible mess. Below is the list of emotions I had after that:

Angry – Because the trial was so disorganized and we weren’t given fair chances, plus I wasn’t able to perform my best because I was too used to warm up practices before any actual game. So my limbs didn’t cooperate with me. AND my shoes weren’t rubbery enough and I couldn’t run well coz kept slipping.

Embarrassed – Apparently the trial was for A1/premier ONLY and I thought it was a general trial for A teams. If I had known it earlier, I wouldn’t even have gone and let myself look like one of those kids who obviously know nth about badminton but still want to go anyway to show off whatever skills they think they have.

At the end, out of 20 over people, more than 10 were gathered and dismissed. “I think you guys are probably going to be in A2, A3, or a B team, but you’re not A1 and premier material. Thank you for coming *big smile* you may go home now.”

That’s when I knew about the trial being for A1/premier teams. I felt like kicking myself all the way home. Fancy wasting my own darn time to trial for sth even a fool knows he cant get.

Now I look just like the rest of the dismissed people – sad dejected bunch of people who should’ve known better what kind of “material” they are. But truth is, I don’t think I suck completely. And I detest being viewed as the same sort of people as the others (like another William Hung who went for sth he obviously wasn’t cut out for). I know I can do better, maybe not good enough to get into A1, but still not too badly until I have to be dismissed, which is why I’m angry too.

Apologetic – Because I was a nervous wreck and I think it affected Victoria’s performance. She said I was making her nervous too. In the end, she got dismissed with me. We were playing as a team all the way, so I feel really bad. She probably had a good chance but like I said, I screw things up for myself and everyone else around me. It’s just bad luck for Vicky to be playing with me.

Self pity – I pity myself for believing for a split second that I’m just like my dad – capable, confident and always ready. For a split second there I thought one day I could become successful like him. I would never let the people around me down, not even myself.

I’ve always been told I’m confident, because I’ve been brought up to be a confident kid. But I never really believed in anything I do, deep down inside. I never believed I could top the last calculus common test until the results came out; I never believed my Macbeth essay would be good enough to be chosen and read out in class; I never believed I’ll get Excellence for Classics practice qns twice in a row…but I did. I just never believed.

But today, just before the trial, for a split second there, I really did believe.

Which was a big foolish mistake. One should just stick to being who she really is. And one should never forget God. I learnt this important lesson today. I was too proud, too sure of what Jenny can do. I forgot whatever skills she has come from God, her good luck spills from His grace and love.

I was influenced by my friend and started criticizing some players; I forgot nothing can be accomplished if God isn’t with me; I didn’t humble myself and thought only of winning (because that’s apparently how they select people for A team, by looking at the scores).

God saw all these and forsake me purposefully to teach me a lesson. I don’t blame him. I’m glad of the reminder. I see now that the trial was so trivial compared to what I have learnt and what more I can accomplish in life in His name of love.

Still, it doesn’t change the fact that the trial was crushing for me emotionally. I remember thinking at the start of the trial, “I’m sure some of these people aren’t even as good as they claim to be.” And now I’m one of them.

But spiritually, I have grown a little bit more. And I hope this will help me overcome this little setback. Compared to eternity, this is nothing. God is trying to change me, and I will gladly let him, for this is what I’ve been praying for. But to tell you the truth, though I was prepared for anything in order to be transformed by God, I didn’t think it’ll hurt so much.

It’s not about me not getting into the best team; it’s not even about the trial itself. It’s about me always forgetting to who am I, thinking I can do this and that, then realizing I can’t and have to fall back on my family and friends to comfort me. I’m like one of those poor morons in the cartoons, dreaming about flying and then jumping off a cliff thinking they actually can fly. God made me this way, so when can I just shut up and learn to accept who I am?

..

2007-04-02T17:08:00.000+08:00

", 生长在水里的蜗牛叫水牛. o.O"

whee~HELLO(:
okiedokes what to talk abt today!

ok start with the funny bits ba!

was walking home with jamie today after school and i couldnt help opening a book i just borrowed from the library and reading small sections of it, just to get a feel of what it's gonna be like.

then jamie was like:
dont read while u're walking!it's bad for your eyes...

and i was feeling v.indignant for some reasons and just retorted without thinking:
im not reading! im just looking at the words...

>"<

urpps.
hahaha yea that was lame but i wasnt really thinking.

then the other stupid thing that happened was at the dinner table.
and we were having mussels.

mum insisted u could eat the whole thing, with all that black disgusting looking stuffs.
and i said u couldnt.
even when u eat water snails, u need to leave out the end of it coz it's not edible there.

thats when i said the headline of today's post.
hahh.
read it carefully again if u havent yet got the joke.

^-^

yepp ok so anyway.
ohoh good news!!
i got Excellence for creative writing internal assessment(:

i was sooo nervous when tchr was handing out paper.
coz only 15% of the class (meaning 4 ppl) got Excellences and majority got Not Achieved...

to me, this Excellence is more than just an E.
it's proof for myself and a sign from God that writing is indeed sth i can perform well in and i have been blessed with this talent for a purpose in Him.

i am still searching and praying for answers.
there are many careers and fields in which writing is useful.
im not sure where to go yet.
but im sure He will lead and guide me(:

whee~
suki is becoming such a good boy.
he gets too hyper and hard to control occassionally.
but thats fine.
i just snarl at him and then beg for forgiveness ^-^

he's becoming a handsome little fella too!
white and black gleaming coat, always standing tall with his head cocked and ears perked up.

ahhh~
i've decided my future bf shld look like suki.

HAHAHA.

yayy i can see the shining full moon and it's making me highhhh!!!

yepyep daily QT still going well.
and im taking up more roles in the YG.
keyboardist for this wk's YG worship and singer2 for next wk.

and then im down for keyboard duties several times during the camp and one singer2 duty.
whoo...gotta memo all the lyrics and learn the songs!
not to mention learn the keyboard, which isnt too different from piano so shld be fine(:

yayy today is a happy day coz only 3 more days before 2wks break!! ^0^

tmr i shall put up a list of To Dos for the holidays.
till then,
keep the smiles turned on, ppl!! :D

YG fun.

2007-03-31T16:11:00.000+08:00

", to receive help, first learn to trust."

morning today sucked.
the devil was against me.
dont even wanna talk abt it.

but the afternoon was heaps of fun!!
^0^

YG was outdoor games!
played all sorts of games in grps of 7 or 8.
learnt alot abt other ppl.

like... the pig actually has brains.
good ones too.

and...
the puppy is actually more mischevious and hyper than i thought she was XD
BURST MY WATER BALLOON.
boowahh...

oh comp time up le...
gtg now ):
SEEYA~

fridayness.

2007-03-30T15:56:00.000+08:00

, "You need to be PEEing throughout the essay.!" point.evidence.elaboration.

woots.
suki frenched me today.
such a darling.
hehh.

i was showering him today in the bathroom.
he was licking around, trying out the water and the shampoo.
then at one moment when my face was just next to his, he turned to lick me and my lips were partly open.
yea so u know what happened next.
but it lasted barely 0.1 sec so wasnt that disgusting ^-^

OOOH suki boy...
ahhhh~

no wonder they say the chances of a girl falling for her first kiss guy is higher than 90%.
if my puppy alone looks so much cuter and hugable after just a lick on the face, guess what'll happen if its actually a guy! XD

ok sorry abit sick.
in case u're lost, suki is my PUPPY.
as in, an actual puppy, like, a dog.
yea, so dont go thinking im a sickass(:

anyway!
i've finished 40 days of reading The Purpose Driven Life!
yay for me.
so d, u can come back now.

it wasnt as easy as i imagined.
but i prevailed and overcame temptation.
sleep was indeed luring and often i wanted to just collapse into bed and snooze.
but then i told myself to just pick up the book and read what was instored for me.

i admit on many days im merely scanning the pages and not actually absorbing anything.
that was very bad and i've made up my mind to re-read the book again during the term 2 holidays.

currently im reading Proverbs and it's proving to be an extremely insightful and interesting book.
i hope my daily QT continues because a strong relationship with God does make a difference.

anyway just invented a fun quiz for myself.
it's targeted at my nz friends this time.
next time i'll use it for sg friends ^-^
have fun reading(:

---------------------------

Name five friends within 3 seconds:

1.Stephany
2.Victoria
3.Peter
4.Jason
5.Vincent

Name an animal that would represent him/her:

1. Hyper puppy.
Always frolicking around, laughing, talking and making friends with everyone! bounce bounce bounce. never stays down for too long ^-^

2. Happy bunny.
Always looking prim and proper and cutish. makes ppl wanna pat her, literally!

3. Mole.
coz moles are blind and they're kindda cute in a funny way XD

4. PIG.
the word speaks for itself eh...

5. umm... chucky from rugrats?? o.O
HAHAHA. thats the most hilarious thing i ever thought of. i was watcing Rugrats one day and it dawned upon me how much my fav character chucky looks like vincent with his specs. of coz, the boy isnt as scaredy-cat and clumsy as the cartoon kid.

Describe how u got to know them:

1. Ahhh the well known story of Bento... (bian dang, in chinese, meaning packed meal).
It all started one sunday when i went to Christchurch Chinese Church with my family.

It was our first time so everyone was very warm and welcoming.
Pastor Jack took me over to a girl by the window, after sunday service.
She was concentrating on her Bento and eating with alot of focus.

so i sat down and pastor jack started talking.
after he left, stephany and i started chatting.
and tada~

2. She was the one who brought me around school on my very first day in burnside.
She was introduced to me by stephany, as her "sister".

When i first saw this girl, i thought she was korean or sth.
hehh.
(oops running out of time, gotta cut short)

3. First met him at a badminton session on sunday.
He was wearing a red shirt.
thus ended up with the famous nickname:
Chuan Hong Se Yi Fu De!!
(the one who wears red shirt)
><"

dunno since when started talking to him abt my problems and now he's one of the first ppl i talk to whenever some crap comes up.

4. Youth Group New Yr BBQ Outing.

we had to sit in a circle to play icebreakers and he happened to sit down next to me.
he was extremely reserved and quiet (still is, actually, towards me at least) and i had to tell him my name first before he told me he's jason.

thereafter, i discovered his prowess in badminton and sciences and probably math, though i stubbornly refuse to admit this fact in his face.
coz i think i own him in math :P

5. Oh umm... well, this one came in the Twin Package.

hehh. he was with jason on the outing. so yea, got to know him later.
he too is a pro in badminton and sciences and probably math.
but he doesnt challenge me in anyway, so thats cool ^-^

more design.

2007-03-26T17:22:00.000+08:00

", resist the music of the Pied Piper."

more design images!

pencil sketching part 2:

logo design:

yepp this is the only puny logo i've completed.

1 down, 19 more to go...

design images.

2007-03-25T11:31:00.000+08:00

", omg TP has gone M-I-A!!?"

earth to TP, earth to TP...

come in, come in...

this is TP1,

do u read me?

(TP! is everything ok with u? dont scare me k!! email or send me an offline msn msg or STH. it's starting to feel like im being cut off from u.

oh i know!!

did ur comp crash?

that'll explain ur mysterious disappearance from the virtual world.)

ok anyway,

in case TP is fuming coz i havent yet send her the promised scanned images of my design work, here they are for everyone to see.

i spent a long time figuring out to get the scanner to work and in some cases, i had to scan 2 files and use photoshop to join them into one picture coz my design sketch book is A3, and my scanner can only can max A4 images.

plus i had to resize every other image with photoshop.

assignment 2.1 (Merit)

it's called the Circle, Sqaure, Triangle Problem.

we were given loads of such shapes and using them we have to add other elements to the basic shapes such that we got rather complex pictures such as these:

assignment 2.3 (Merit)

(yea the tchr assigns us work in non-chronological order)

for this one we had to choose 3 themes from a given list.

for each theme we choose, we have to draw 4 black and white designs using the concept of postivie and negative spaces.

and then from each grp of 4, we pick out the best one and enlarge it.

yes ENLARGE.

i had to painstakingly measure every inch and enlarge it.

haii.

oh btw the 3 themes i chose were Light, Nature and Computer respectively.

assignment 2.4

(from here onwards no grading coz tchr hasnt taken it back to grade)

this one eh...

it's basically a loooong one which went on for wks.

it comes in stages so everyone was like pia-ing the first stage for a wk.

then after we were done and feeling pleased, tchr walks in and says, "rightie oh, let's go on with STAGE TWO. by MONDAY."

=.="

STAGE 1:

very important part of the process, says tchr.

IDEAS AND DEVELOPMENT.

we had to draw mind map and think of all the silhouetted objects related to the chosen theme.

in my case, it was TRAVEL.

STAGE 2:

using the images drawn, select one to be the general shape and fill it up with silhouettes of smaller images related to the theme.

do this for two different themes.

in my case, TRAVEL and NATURE.

STAGE 3 (linear drawing):

select one theme and one image related to it.

fill it up with linear drawings of other stuffs related to it.

i chose TRAVEL.

as usual, the sides are chopped off.

but u can still see it's a plane.

right?

anyway the wings are my main focus.

i didnt know stick figures can look so awesome on linear drawings(:

oh the end of the plane is actually a boat and a train.

i love the boat.

but u cant see it properly.

hahh!

metamorphasis:

i spent a darn long time doing the stupid ballerina.

but the scanned image sucks.

u cant actually see her feet properly so she just looks like some weird, sharp, unproportional THING.

=,="

assignment 2.2 (logo designing):

another super long assignment.

currently working on it.

select a given theme (i picked ANIMATION) and do two A3 pages of pencil sketching of related objects.

i did pencil, pen and the computer mouse.

unfortunately time has run out for me so i'll upload the sketchings of the mouse next time.

also stage 2, in which i have to do 20 black and white logo designs.

i've only done one so far.

haii sad.

and omg.

the scanned image doesnt do my drawings justice!!

my sketching of the pencil looks better than that ><

i drew in all that detail below the rubber part and it looked better than what u see here on the screen >~<

STAGE 1:

friday again.

2007-03-23T17:03:00.000+08:00

", billet doux."

it means "a sweet note" in french, apparently.
note, as in, short letter.
thats what form tchr said.
quite cute i thought(:
sounds nice and posh.

anyway.
this wk has been pretty average.
sailed right past my eyes.

nth much to report either.
except dad's talk was brilliant today!
first time i heard my own dad lecture in a university(:
pretty cool actually.
yayy feel proud of him.

but gosh.
how can i ever meet up to his expectations?
other ppl's expectations of a professor's daughter?

The Purpose Driven Life says all these are not impt.
i shld be driven by God's purpose for me.
not the world's expectations of me.

so yea.
i'll meditate on that concept and try really hard not to shift my focus from christ.

blahh.

2007-03-22T18:04:00.000+08:00

", 'alright lets see... who's not here, raise up ur hand!! o.O'"

SO HILARIOUS.
it seems like after every depressing stage i have, life will take a turn and become hugely interesting and funny.
so many lame stuffs happened today i dont know where to begin.

the header was spoken by Mr West, my media studies tchr.
it's like, the school arranges for freshmans to be runners and go to every class halfway through every lesson to collect pink slips of paper that records who has been absent.

so today, the runner on duty came to our media class and Mr West hurriedly searched for his pink slip.
apparently he hasnt yet taken attendence so he doesnt know who's absent.
so he was like peering at the name list.
and i think he was trying to save time coz the runner was waiting by the door.

so he absently said (while looking at the name list): "ok lets see... who's not here, raise up your hand..."
and everyone went UHHHH.... =.=

HAHAHAHA.
ok not sure if u got the joke and saw the incredibly large degree of humour in that statement...
but still(:
IT WAS FUNNY at that time.

whatelse!
ohyes i invented a song just now coz i realised im wearing orange all over.
it goes like this:

I'm a little Carrot,
Long and SLIM!!
Here are my tippy toes (cue: stand on toes like ballerina with arms stretched upward over head),
Here are my SPROUTS (spread hands out like the leafy top part of a carrot).
When u pull me out of the soil,
Hear me shout!
Cut me up and eat me for dinner~~~

LALALALA^0^

okyea abit sick, the last part ><><" hmm ok... school is fine. dad'll be meeting subj tchrs next tues. im confident nth can go wrong. my tchrs all love me. yea really. im sure Mr Gardiner, my design tchr, is only joking whenever he says, "No...i dont want to talk to u o.O " when i raise up my hand to ask him sth. = = " yepp ok v.late le! i would like to blog more abt my so-so life here. but Dreamland calls! oyasuminasai everyone~ ^-^

babysitting.

2007-03-20T16:41:00.000+08:00

", the world is a bad bad place.?"

my babysitting job interview was screwed.
mum went with me and basically lost it when i told her my job would require me to spend the night at michelle hall's hse on fri/sat nights. (the employer).

so she insisted on talking to the woman...
blahblahblah.
in a nutshell, mum made me out to be a dependent, unexperienced daddy's girl who cant leave home for too long.

so yea.
she blew it.
not me.

but it's alright.
i was annoyed for an hr or so.
but since today is her bday, and i know she was only concerned for me (too concerned, maybe, but still), i shall forget abt this whole thing.

i'll just look harder for another part time job.
and who knows, maybe mich STILL wants to hire me after that drama episode ^_^

ok funny highlight of the day!!

the family went to a chinese restuarant to have dinner to celebrate mum's bday.
jamie and i finished eating and were bored so went outside to take pics.

we looked up and saw the starry night sky and got excited.
in sg we never got to see a clear night sky with twinkle twinkle little stars.
so u can imagine how thrilled we were by the idea of capturing the beautiful scene with our camera!

so i held up the camera to the sky, zoomed in to the max...
then jamie held up her hand in front and the camera screen went blank.

so i said, "move away ur hand!! i cant see anything!!"

i waited for a few seconds.
the screen remained blank.

"I SAID MOVE AWAY YOUR HAND!!"

"i have!"

i looked away from the screen.
jamie was standing a metre away from me, staring at me in a puzzled way.

"oh."

apparently the sky was waaay too dark and whatever for the cam to capture anything.
=.="

funny stuffs.

2007-03-19T17:20:00.000+08:00

", ROBOTS INVASION, by Assoc. Prof Chen Xiaoqi, this friday at 5pm, C3, Canterbury Univ."

TWO super funny highlights today:

(after media studies, vic and jenny walking to locker, discussing whether they shld choose their careers according to their interest, or by how much money they can earn.
and at a certain point of their conversation, somehow they sidetracked to their interests)

victoria: i feel like i learn abit of everything... but dont do very well in any of them.

(the girls walk past block F, the senior block, where the lockers of yr13 students are located)

jenny: (interrupts) yea me too!! =0=

victoria: like i learnt dance, and i wasnt very good... and piano too. i suppose if i practised lots and lots and LOTS in the past, i would be as good as peter wu now...

jenny: nobody can be as good as peter...

someone from behind: BOORAWWRR!!!

girls: (scream and freak out)

it was peter wu.

=___="

~~~~~~~~~~~

NUMBER TWO HIGHLIGHT:

i was surfing blogskins.com, checking out the skin of the day.
it's a really cute design, clouds and a kiddish looking character, that kindda stuff.

then i clicked to preview it.
and at the navigations column, i noticed the disclaimer.

1)do not spam
2)do not sthsth (cant rmb. but it's sth quite typical)
3)hate me then press alt F4
4) sthsthsth.

and i was like.
OOH cool!!
whats alt F4???!
never seen anyone put that in a disclaimer before.
will sth pop up??
like a secret bitch msg??

yayy i wanna try!!

so i pressed down on the ALT button, searched the keyboard for F4, found it, happily jammed it down, looked up....
EHHH!!!
WHERE'S THE BLOGSKIN WINDOW??!!

>"<

yea ok thats all for today folks!(:

shatterday.

2007-03-17T14:54:00.000+08:00

", I SHALL NOT CONFORM. ohmann who am i trying to kid..."

tennis was ok.
dance was ok.
dinner was ok.

the entire day was ok.

as in, nth unexpected happened.
it was expected that he wouldnt turn up.
expected (and prayed for) that it wouldnt rain or be too hot.
expected that the dance would be cool and fun to learn.
expected that dinner would be good.

hmm but i guess if i think hard enough, there are unexpected thoughts that jumped to my mind today.
like during dance, i realise u can actually learn alot abt someone from the way he/she behaves in front of a grp and his/her attitude towards things.
and i mean that in a negative way.

why are the ppl around me starting to seem so imperfect and unlike what i thought they were...?
i know everyone is imperfect.
i just detest myself for trusting and believing in the goodness of ppl so easily.
and also seeing their dark side so easily.

i'd rather be a fool till the end of my life, believing the world is beautiful and everyone has a heart of gold.
but no.
i get taken in for a short while, then reality comes in slowly and i see through the disguise of all things.

yet i continue to choose to play the fool.
smile and pretend i still think the world's beautiful and we're all angels.

i wonder why.

maybe ignoring the ugly things in life will help me see what i want to see.
maybe repeatedly telling myself "we're all imperfect and sinful human beings" will stop me from being bothered by the true nature of my friends here.
maybe doing QT everyday will help me love all of them despite them being who they are (this has worked before for me).
maybe one day God will let me know why so many young christians are not portraying christ-like characteristics.

and they're not even trying.

i guess i've been blessed with so many nice friends that i've forgotten how it feels like to meet "unlovable ppl", as the bible calls them.
but problem is, only i seem to find some ppl unlovable... the rest of the world seems to think they are genuinely sweet.
so whatever.
it's just crummy jenny's problem.

gosh i just hate long, silent and depressing nights...

whee.

2007-03-16T16:13:00.000+08:00

", i am me;shaped by Him."

yayy im happy coz it's friday(:
ohh but boo...
feeling weird coz the night is long and silent and depressing ):

woots.
got excellence for classical studies practice qns 1.
the first practice paper we did this yr.
considering classical studies is a completely new subject to me, im really happy with my excellence(:

ohoh and math common test 1 got top mark in class^-^
but it was easy peas.
differentiation and algebra.
wasnt too happy with my marks though.
couldnt do 3 qns and 2 were easy ones.
><

hmm what else...
tennis and dance tmr.
andand.
farewell party for dad's colleagues tmr night.

hehh ok just got off msn with someone.
was telling her sth and now i feel like i can finally let go off the past lo~
new place, new ppl.
time to move on!
^-^

so anyway, for all ye faithful patronisers of this blog, one day i may just be nice and let u know what is the so called "dark secret" thats going on in my life here in christchurch.
but for now, just know that it's nth terribly bad and depressing.
(:

yepp a good news since i came here would be:
after 30days of reading A Purpose Driven Life,
i was finally enlightened last night and im very sure now that im on the right track to fulfilling God's purpose for me.
so even though dad and mum are worried for my future (next yr, to be precise, coz they're hoping i can go univ then), im not too concerned.

im just gonna do my best in school now
coz school is such a fantastic way of distracting myself from the temptations and all the screwed up things in this world.
hip hip hurray for school...!! \^0^/
(yea i think im nuts)

ohoh 11pm le!!
bedtime (even though it's friday night =.=)

gosh i just realised holidays for u guys in sg are nearly over!!
treasure the remaining weekend k!
and all the best for term 2 ^0^

blahh.

2007-03-15T16:50:00.000+08:00

", looking into the mirror;what do i see.?"

im so disappointed in you?
yes i am.
i thought u were different.
but why did u have to go running around saying and doings stuffs behind my back?
ruining my friendship with other ppl?

she's one of my closest friends here.
i tell her everything and i trust her.
did u think what u said was a funny joke?
it wasnt.
u made her really pissed.
and im pissed now too.

how could u?
were u really that desperate to know what she knows?
she's a good friend and u're making things hard for her.
i wish i can make u apologise.
i probably shld give u a chance to explain.
but u dont know that i know what happened.
so it's hard to breach the topic.

but anyway.
she doesnt lie either.
so i suppose u know everything now.
but like TP says, the pressure is on u, not me.

so to heck with everything.
we're still friends.
but now im confused abt u too.
i dont understand why u seem like two different ppl to me and to others.
plus i have no idea whats going on in ur mind now.
maybe u're more than what i think u are.

that's sad.

back.

2007-03-14T15:19:00.000+08:00

", i can walk on the water;trusting in Your power."

yayy im back from emo holiday(:
hmm...yea im fine now.
the storm is over.
or rather, i've gotten used to it already!

hehh ok sooo.
lots of stuffs happened over the past few days.
nth of great importance though.

hmm...except im finding out more abt the YG and how it really is.
like the ppl in YG.
yea...
some not so pleasant.
but well concealed.
i was fooled into thinking this YG is different.
holier and more united.

i guess every church has it's differences and shortcomings.
but no matter!
i shall work for God to build up the church and do what i can to change things(:
for it is His purpose for us to make a difference in this world!!
^0^

wheee msgs to ppl AGAIN:

TP:
EMAIL RELAY!!!
woots.
was fun while it lasted ^0^
sorry i had to stop the chain.
math test tmr. i'll write u again during weekends!

d:
u've disappeared again!
are u even reading this?
is getting into Harvard that difficult?
dad is pushing me to get a scholarship for next yr.
guess i will see u pretty soon(:

peizhi:
vice monitress wor...
hehh all the best for ur duties and responsibilities!
always knew u had it in u(:

huifang:
jiayou oh!!
and lighten up(:
things arent always as bad as they seem.
and stop thinking badly of urself!!
u're a great person ^.^

sixuan:
thanks for tagging time and again(:
u're one of the few from YF who constantly reminds me u're there for me.
ganbatte for everything lo~

alicia:
u too!!
biggest fan and supporter of The Magicator(:
im pia-ing bk2 now!
thanks for the encouraging words ^-^

momo:
yayy so cool~
feels good to know that someone doesnt think im a stupid pig!
hehh.
have u killed that giant poisonous spider yet?
eeew...gross!!

pighead:
i swear im gonna kill u for that lousy txt4000 joke!!
gosh... u had stephany hell laughing at me for AGES.
grrr.
IM NOT A BAI CHI!! >~<

xia zi:
u are seriously one mysterious guy.
ur msn nick is never happy.
it's always depressing.
i really hope u'll come to the camp even though u have ur own reasons for not going.
things will never work out if u keep on doing them ur way and refusing to let God lead the way.

doraemon:
i understand now why u say u're not v.well like in church.
it's not ur problem.
it's theirs.
they have no right to be so mean.
i wish i can smack some of them.
i've heard jokes abt u, and i wish i have the courage to stand up for my friend.
but i can only walk away.
im sorry im such a wimp.

--------------------------

the stars are fading and so is the heart.
is it because one has gotten used to the dark?
or has one seen the light and hopes for a change?
drifting, drifting...
someone else in this world will see the stars.
but who will catch the heart?

declaration.

2007-03-08T11:53:00.000+08:00

", it's not what it seems."

im here to declare something once and for all.

I
AM
NOT
IN
LOVE.

hmm yea that was eye catching enough.
ok i know the poems and 暧昧hidden messages are kindda strange, and everyone reading (yes you too, jamie) are guessing stuffs.

i am not a shallow despo kid who is insanely in love with anyone.
i am well focused on my studies, trying to do my best to please my parents, do my daily Quiet Time, and not get distracted by the temptations of this world.

you're probably thinking i've changed (or am changing) because the ang moh culture is like this and like that.
but no.
im interacting and socialising with asians who share the same values and beliefs as anyone in hcmc yf and my clique in ny.

i am still the same kid.
the kid with feelings.
some of what i have written are very personal stuffs and i am forced to use nicknames and sometimes just a general "You" to protect the identity of the actual character and also avoid unnecessary questions from readers.

im really glad there are ppl reading abt my life here in nz.
i feel responsible for updating you nice ppl and so i try to post as frequently as possible.
but i beg for your understanding and be sensitive towards what im feeling too.

the first part of the my posts are always daily stuffs and usually nothing serious.
the last section is what i call my emo space.
where i write irrationally and on impulses whenever im emo-ing.
so pls read and forget when it comes to that particular section.
or better still, just skip it.

you may not know it,
but as much as ur tags please me,
it's disturbing when you ask too personal questions
that even i cant answer.

so pls,
dont judge me.
dont guess and imagine whats happening to me.
dont even tell me what not to do.

you've got no idea whats happening.

dont read my posts with all kinds of opinions in your mind which u think are better than how im handling stuffs now.
dont read my posts while thinking this is so lame, so stupid, so childish.
dont read my posts while thinking of me as the girl u last saw.

i am still the same jenny, yet i have changed.

truth is, no on really knows what im going through.
my posts are just a small percentage of what is actually going on.
我的内心世界是无法以言语来形容的.

im sorry, im not pissed.
i am just really confused about what im going through now too.
i cant answer any questions and the inner jenny doesnt want to be interrogated.
it's all very strange for me too and im trying to slowly sort out my thoughts.

------------------------

Jamie,
i know you're very concerned abt me.
dont worry, im fine.
you know me,
jenny always butts her way out of all kinds of nonsense no matter what.

im sorry im not telling you certain stuffs.
we've always shared all our secrets and thoughts.
but this time it's different.
and the time isnt right to tell you yet.

it's nth serious, you might even find it absurdly childish and stupid.
but still, it's weird for me and i'll like some time to let things settle down.

i've gotten to a stage in life whereby i have to seriously start thinking abt life.
whereas u're still in ur early teens.
i know u'll understand that there are some things i cannot even tell you.

Stephany,
it's really great that we're taking the same boat together.
and im glad u're here to share all these crap with me.
ganbatte for ur YKW.
and get well soon u lamo.

YY,
it's so not cool that im on the boat and u're on the shore.
you can only hear me if i yell really loud.
but you never turn your head away when i do.
thanks for that.

Vic,
the newest and cutest friend i've made in christchurch.
thanks for listening and accompanying me in school.
it's awesome that u've sorted out ur thoughts and feelings.
now it's my turn.

Xia Zi,
you promised you wouldnt beat yourself up.
i'll hold you to that.
dont ever let me see depressing msn nicks no more.
seeya on saturday.

Lucier,
get the message will ya.
i dont like you.
i had no intention of even befriending you.
but now that we are friends,
it's not in my nature to ignore you.
so pls just stop on your own accord.

flies.

2007-03-07T14:52:00.000+08:00

", i brought Death upon them while they were mating.?><"

hahh thats the highlight of today.
SO HILARIOUS.

i came home and found 2 flies stacked on top of one another on my dining table...
i was like, "huh?? WHATS THAT."
then realisation dawned upon urs truly...

and the first thing my reaction was:
WHERE'S THE FLY SWAT??!

i found it.
crept up to those 2 oblivious creatures (obviously too immersed in pleasure or sth to notice my existence =.=)
and WHAM.
they're squashed as lemonades.

funny thing is.
half an hr later, another couple was on almost the exact same spot on the table.

WHAM.
squashed.

woohoo~
killed four flies with two stones (or swats, in this case)!!

erpps...
ok i think im cruel.
they were gonna have puny baby flies ):

haha dad was commenting this morning that the flies in our hse seem to be getting smaller in size.
as i was pondering what this means, he went on to say:
"i think the baby flies are hatching!"

yea so apparently he wasnt being lame.
it IS the mating season for flies.
goodness.
or is my hse so filthy that it's the perfect place for breeding all yr round?
>~<

monday nthness.

2007-03-05T14:45:00.000+08:00

", walk beside me."

HELLO.
monday(:
the slackest day of the wk.
for me at least.

made friends with a few ppl in vicky's gang.
there's joy and another girl's whose name i never quite caught.
and then there's theresa of grace's grp.
she's from malaysia.

hmm yea so i felt confident enough to join vicky's gang for lunch today.
wasnt too bad~~
ppl like annie and jasmine were very welcoming and included me as much as possible.
and the grp didnt seem too clique-ish or isolated at all.
it was pretty good and i think i can get used to it(:

AHHH i finished those 2 stupid designs.
BUT the assignment was extended today and now i have to do ANOTHER 2 similar ones...
plus i need to draw 2 strips of drawing showing 2 metamorphasis.
like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.
or tadpole turning into frog.
that kindda thing.
except it doesnt have to make sense.

all these by next monday!!?
gahhh.
i'll be doing design for every single study period and home study for this entire wk...
ohgoody.

nowadays all the homework i ever get is design and classical studies?
yea.
dad's gonna be so glad if he ever knows...

hehh was in a hilariously good mood ytd and today and i think will continue to be for the rest of this week.
ehhh... whats the reason for this strange joy u ask?
HA HA.
thou shall not know...
^0^

so anyway!
glad that jamie's txt2000 is being used.
open up k girl!
im sure u'll start babbling and being urself soon in YG and school(:
then everyone will know u're actually a super lame and drama kid, not quiet and shy like they think! ><

----------------------------

today we made conversation for the first time.
it was v.short, random and basically crap.
u dont seem to find it very significant.
but to me, it is.
040307.
i'll always rmb.

sunday.

2007-03-04T07:09:00.000+08:00

", dont exasperate your children."

sermon was good today.
pastor jack talked abt building a christian family.
it's a series of talks and today is the second talk.
What Is A Christian Family?

Basically:
1) God is first.
2) Dad is respected.
3) Mum is loved.
4) Children are nurtured.
5) Grace
6) Gratitude
7) Generiosity (spelling error?).

i think my family is more or less a christian family.
like, we have almost all the listed elements, except i dont think we put God in the first place.
hmm..yea, we've got to work on that.

i felt like pastor jack was talking abt my family, somehow?
like he gave an example of dads dragging their families halfway round the world for their jobs.
it's an example of NOT putting God in first place, but their WORK in first place.

was i thinking too much or does that sound like my dad?
i guess im still trying to figure out what im doing here across the pacific.
if, like what dad claims, God really meant for us to be here, im sure He will lead me into His purpose for me here in christchurch..

and speaking of dad, i was annoyed with him on friday night coz he ganged up with mum to nag me abt responsibility, treasuring my youth, aiming high (i.e. get a bloody scholarship and go to america) ETC ETC.

im not saying im not listening.
it's just that i dont think they know me well enough to be telling me all that.
dad's so busy being a professor and mum only cares abt the state of my room.

do they know hows school for me now? good or bad?
do they know if i fancy anyone?
do they know if i like the idea of getting a scholarship?
do they know the real reason why im playing along and working towards a scholarship?
do they know how it is for me to come to a new place and meet new ppl?

no.
they dont.

so whatever.
you two just keep on talking like u know it all.
and i dont think pastor jack's sermon got through ur thick head.

CHILDREN ARE NURTURED.
yes, we are.

but he also mentioned the verse in ephesians.
"fathers, dont exasperate your children..."
i rmb another verse in ephesians which tells children to honour their parents.
so i will, and i'll listen and obey you and mum.
but im really disappointed.
u're so full of yourself and what u've accomplished that even such an obvious msg didnt get through to you.

the men just dont get it.
boys too.

SO ANYWAY(:
abt the blog publicising thing, i've come to a clever (hopefully) decision.
i wont let any of my nz frens know my blog url unless they ask abt it.
as in, i wont be initiative in letting them know.

becoz i think as much as i write abt them here, it's actually nth bad?
like i dont gossip here or badmouth?
i think? ><

pls let me know if i do, k.
coz i really want this to be a clean and holy blog.

hmm...whatelse.
xia zi asked me what i thought abt the YG.
i said i think it's not all that it seems and there are 2 sides to everyone in YG, as far as what im discovering these days.
he agrees and asks me what i think abt him.
jamie nagged me to get off msn so he said we'll talk today in badminton.

gahh.
how shld i tell him... i dont even know why i said what i said.
like, he's a really nice kid, but when u're asked to describe someone and all u can say is, "hmm...ohyea, he/she is nice!"
then sth's wrong.
coz "nice" is just a vague word.
it doesnt have personality.
yet everyone has a story and personality.

so what i think im trying to say is.
when someone becomes too nice and shows no personality, he/she becomes a rather mysterious character?
like u know deep under, they've got their own secrets and troubles too.
but they just dont show it, or they ignore it by burying it so well.

ahh whatever.
i'll deal with xia zi when the time comes.

mm... sunny boy doesnt look too happy today.
seated far away from pighead.
wonder what happened.

ok lunching now.
Mcdonald for dinner!!
yayy ^0^

saturday.

2007-03-03T14:14:00.000+08:00

", dont you get it.?"

had YG and dance just now..
sooo tired @_@
hehh but it was fun.
coz finally YG had a decent attendence.
lots of ppl turned up, including those who said they might not i.e. doraemon, superman and xia zi.
(*note: doraemon=josh)

so anyway, dance was pretty cool.
embarked on a new dance journey.
this song is rather egyptian and harder than the first one!
challenging(:

jamie decided she wants to play bball with the guys rather than continue in dance.
=.="
traitor.
she refuses to believe me when i say she has slimmed down because of dance, and not the occassion hoop shootings.
WHATEVER LA JIAN MEI.

ohoh i prepared a dish for dinner later, and i bought a huge packet of chips on the way home from church!
gosh chips here come in large quantities.
$1.40 for a large packet.
which is like... 3 times of singapore Mac's large fries??
so yea... chips are cheap here.
hey that rhymed(:

argghhh...
DESIGN.
ideas ideas... Oh pls come to me...
im SO stuck and i need to hand in 2 designs on monday?
gahhh.
so gonna die.
at this rate, it'll be a miracle if i even get Achieved.
forget Excellence and Merit.

ok there's an issue i'll like to discuss with everyone.
(imagine we're in a meeting room, seated around a long table, serious expressions and hands holded professionally. hmmm....)

me: since coming to christchurch, i have made some friends in church and school. and many of them, i realise, own blogs. and they have kindly given me their blog url. and i think it is only right if i give them mine too.

BUT. i feel like this blog is a private space for me to communicate with u peeps in SG and would it be weird for u guys if nz ppl started tagging and reading the same stuffs im supposed to be sharing with you?

PLUS i actually talk abt my church and sch frens on this blog.. so like, even though i've nicknamed almost everyone, it's still not very nice to let them read abt themselves? ><
pls vote on the taggie!
thanks~

oh but i think one of my nz churchies might be reading this now!
HELLO stephanie(:
did u find my blog from jamie's links?
hehh.
sorry i didnt mean to ban you from here.
just havent made up my mind if i want to publicise my blog yet :P
dont let anyone else know my blog yet k!
thanks ^-^

----------------------------

i believe in this friendship.
i believe we can sail through this drizzle.
i know it isnt just me.
i know u know it too.
i will be brave and happy.
i will pray for you.

friday reds.

2007-03-02T10:51:00.000+08:00

", in self denial."

jamie are i were playing stupid just now.
we were eating Arnotts Tiny Teddy and imitating each facial expression as we ate the choc teddies ><
SO LAME.

did this blogthing test which i found on tiffany's blog.
the results are seriously screwed.
me? a peacemaker??
ho ho ho...

You Are 9: The Peacemaker

You are emotionally stable and willing to find common ground with others.

Your friends and family often look to you to be the mediator when there is conflict.

You are easy going and accepting. You take things as they come.

Avoding conflict at all costs, you're content when things are calm.

What Number Are You?

-----------------------------------
i cant believe u really did it..

is it because of bratty me?

now it just feels weird.

is this the end or has it never started?

the virtual and real you are 2 different ppl

pls shed off your disguise?

suki class.

2007-03-01T17:19:00.000+08:00

", life minus love equals zero."

no i am not referring to bgr love like what someone thinks.
i've been reading the purpose driven life and this is a quote from the chapter ytd.
love is universal.
the love im referring to here is love for our fellow human beings.

so someone pls stop thinking im head over heels in love with anyone =.=

anyway.
suki had his first puppy class just now!
his classmates were... interesting.
ahem.
yarr, but i feel pretty good abt darling suki now(:
hehh.
reckon he's gonna be a brilliant and adorable dog in 7mths time!
whee.

oh but suki's a wimp.
seriously.
he was scared silly by puppies smaller in size and younger in age.
sighh...
i guess this runs in the family...

------------------------------

YYY, pls dont do what u're gonna do..
i'll go into serious depression?
yea but too bad.
no way of telling u that.

back.

2007-02-28T17:28:00.000+08:00

", it's a crazy crazy love."

even though it's not the weekends, i shall post due to OVERWHELMING response from my dear readers...
haha.
ok anyway.

(glad to see a silent reader tag on the taggie ^0^)

it's been a quiet week, quite exciting though.
tmr is suki's first ever professional puppy training class!!
woots.
wonder how he'll respond to his trainers and classmates.

hehh.
doggy classmates.
sounds funny!! :P

anyway, there is this thing called the Stage Challenge where kids from over 100 schools would participate.
It's a dance and drama competition and my school is holding girls auditions tmr.
vicky has dragged me in so im going with her tmr.
i think i stand no chance against those melodrama kiwis?
but whatever, i love dancing, so might as well go take a look(:

i have managed to come up with a nickname for Peter Wu.
XIA ZI (blind guy).
hehh coz he fails to spot me in the library every time, even though i may be just next to the girl he's tutoring.
so yar.
yayyness coz jenny once again managed to be creative in coming up with nicknames for ppl(:

went to canterbury university library today after school.
went with vicky and found ah di and annie there as well.
josh joined us afterwards.

wandered off halfway to buy food with annie, came back to crap with ah di and vicky, then disappeared to 11th floor to chit chat with vicky.
hhehh.
she told me alot of things abt YG wor...
and we talked abt loads of girly stuffs.
feels quite shuang to be able to tell someone everything :P
coz we're both similar in terms of interest, taste and experiences.

umm but i think i wont go there with her after school in future unless im super free and up for a good long girly chat.
it's too distracting and the fact that there are frens there makes it even harder to concentrate.
just feel like talking ><

yea anyway...
haii, XXX, STOP QUESTIONING ME.
i dont know if i like anyone, alright?
and im so NOT in love?
so just stop teasing me stupid.
><

and YYY, pls stop being such a dumbass..
open ur eyes and READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
it's more than just the fun and jokes u know..

gawd.
boys are such idiots.

end of 2nd wk.

2007-02-23T14:11:00.000+08:00

", you dont have to be cool to rule my world."

woohoo.
end of second wk.
have some reflections to share now.

after 2wks in burnside, i have realised two things abt the education in NZ:
1) It is very coordinated and - um - same in every school.
As in, every school in Christchurch, and possibly other cities in NZ, learn the same syllabus, do the same sort of practise papers, use the same kinds of textbooks, and adopt the same system of recording results.

it's not like in singapore whereby better schools like raffles are independent and no one outside really knows what kind of practise papers they doing and the students are not allowed to pass on the papers to their tuition tchrs or whatever.
all that secrecy and i-want-to-get-top-Olevel-results rubbish.

here, you can grab any friend from any school and ask them abt ur homework, and they'll know what you're talking abt, coz chances are she'll be going the same thing.
nice(:

2) in terms of content, depth and exposure, the education here isn't as good as in singapore.

like i rmb in singapore, during chinese lessons, we would watch cultural films, listen to old but brilliant chinese poem songs (like that liang shan bo thingy), discuss ancient and modern chinese issues etc.
here, it's all very on-the-surface.
math doesnt feel so in-depth and challenging, even though im doing one level higher.

i rmb in mr khoo's class, i used to go in feeling pretty calm and relaxed, and come out with my mind spinning and math formulas blinking in front of my eyes.
the curriculum is that heavy.

i think that's what makes schooling in singapore so stressful.
it's the amount and the depth of content.
here, it's pretty results driven too.
like they have this NCEA (kindda like O levels?) every yr from yr11-13 (our sec 4-JC2), so u can just imagine having to do O levels every yr for 3 consecutive yrs.

but it's not that intense for the students coz u can pass with both eyes closed.
it's getting excellence that is difficult.
but still.
it shows how tough it is in singapore.
we have one O level and we're groaning for mercy to high heavens above.

if i wont be forced to take science in singapore, and if they provide a wider range of subject choices, i think i'd much rather be in singapore.
i feel like my brain is deteoriating here, if i could use that word this way.

but anyway(:
im here now, and nth's gonna change that, so might as well make the best out of my situation!

yayy weekends ^0^
praise and worship night tmr with YAG and WAG!!
it'll be brilliant, i hope(:
everybody be high and sway your hands!!! whee~~~

went to ask abt tennis today with vicky.
apparently it's been cancelled for this term and wont resume until term4, which by when we'll be busy with exams.
so i guess that's it for joining tennis.

as for dance, it seems to be only for pro ppl, so vicky and i decided we'll just join the church dance club, which isnt very pro but we learn new dances every 2mths or so.
so it's all cool(:

but now im left without any activitiy to join! ><
of coz one last option is film club, but there hasnt been any notices abt it and i think making films whole yr for competitions is... kindda boring?
especially if i have to do video editing.
urrghh.
had enough of that in ny.

so im just looking forward to term 2 and 3 now, when winter sports will be in play.
then i can join badminton with vicky!
cool...can improve more and defeat superpig.
HAHH right...

anyway vincent was asking me the other (in sms) why issit that jamie and i always seem unwilling to play with him.
i told him honestly that it's coz he's way too pro and it's such a challenge for us to play with him that there's almost a pressure.
but he insisted it was coz he looks scary and ugly ><

now come to think abt it, it's isnt just abt him being pro.
it's him being pro AND being slack when playing with us.
like, he'll play with that air of laziness around him and u just know u're boring him..
it's kindda disrespectful and sucky for us, coz we sort of get discouraged.
and for me, i like to give my oponents some sort of fight, but whenever i play with him, i only create fights for myself.
so like... STOP BEING SUCH A SUPERMAN, VINCENT HUANG!!
>~<

superpig is nice, i like playing with that kid.
but he doesnt talk in real life, and neither do i.
hahh so we're only virtual friends :P

okie dokes gonna change comp account now... need to type and print out some stuffs for my employer...
sheesh when am i ever gonna quit...

nth much.

2007-02-22T11:01:00.000+08:00

, "of course you can differentiate it the easy way. but it wouldn't be COOL!".

haha thats what my math tchr said today.
we were learning differentiation from first principles and he kept saying, "Now isnt that COOL? look at it... we could've differentiate x^2 within one second (knowing it is 2x), but no, we're going to use our new fanciful formula and go one big round to find the answer, 2x!! Isnt that just cool!"

ahhh i have no idea if it's sarcasm or serious infatuation with math,
but a girl put up her hand and asked if we could just differentiate x^2 straight away in an exam without using the first principles formula,
and thats what the tchr replied (the heading).
=.="

THEN another guy asked straight out, "Whats so cool abt THAT?"
and the tchr was blinking at the entire whiteboard of algebraic eqns and saying, "well look at that! all that rows of algebraic...and the way they all fit together...how the "h" cancels out and disappears and then u get an answer! it's just COOL!"

HAHAHAHA.
so hilarious.
geek tchr.
blur students.
best combo.

so anyway, things are definitely getting better here.
shuttling between the YG and Ester&Chrys for lunch, and hanging out with vicky&gang for intervals.
so it's all cool.

found out today that vicky and i have a lot of common interests.
like we went to check out the Animal Welfare club during lunchtime today (decided not to join for now), and tmr we're going to sports office to ask abt tennis and then go for the Dance Club meeting.
so, yayness coz i dont feel so foreign in her grp anymore, and also coz now i'll have a partner in whatever cca im gonna join.

but like i was telling stephany on msn ytd, i dont think i'll be making any good friends yet,
coz i've brought alot of my past with me and most of my memories are in singapore.
i cant just throw away all that and transform into a new person with no records and no stories.
true friendship is made through the sharing of a past and certain memories.
so only time will help me find real friends here.

but that doesnt mean i dont miss and remember those in singapore(:

made friends with my math table partner, robin.
came from china a few mths ago so he's new in burnside too!
math is fun now coz at least im learning stuffs and the kids arent unfriendly (mack and douglas from YG are in my class), so *big smile*!

jason&vincent have officially been nicknamed superpig and superman by yours truly.
and no, i didnt get the nickname "superman" from Let It Shine.
it just fitted him coz he was trying to make everybody happy in badminton even though he wouldnt possibly play with everyone.
and superpig...well it's obvious.
he's really a pig in human disguise.
and he can fly (3rd in school for high jump? wtheck and he was still pissed off coz he said he could've done better).
so he's super.
yeppyepp.

umm...still trying to come up with nicknames for others.
but not too familiar with anyone else in YG yet.
oh daniel is Lao Ren, everyone shld know that already.
and peter is Hong Se Yi Fu De (The One In Red Shirt), nicknamed by jamie.

ohoh!
suki completed his series of vaccinations ytd!!
so jamie and joyce has taken him out on his first official Walk(:
so cool~~
i get to walk him this evening!!
whee.

transfer.

2007-02-20T16:02:00.000+08:00

", beware of him&his black magic skills of turning ppl into PIGS. oink oink."

yayy successfully transferred to yr13 maths class today!!!
didnt even need to take any test(:
yr13 math is split into 2 seperate classes - calculus and statistics - and they are considered as 2 subjects.
i can do one this yr, and have to do the other next yr, coz uni entry require math result, so as much as i detest stats, i'll have to face it next yr.
ohwell.

but for now i shall have fun txting jason all our tough NY trigo qns coz he's doing calculus too.
muahahaha.
he was so pissed off when i txted him: prove the identity (cosec@+cot@)^2=(1+cos@)/(1-cos@>, where @ is an unknown angle.
coz i dont think he's learnt that yet.
hahahaha.
so fun.
for once i'll beat that superpig at something.
i hope.

GO NY MATH DEPARTMENT.
WOOHOO.
GO MR KHOO.
MISSYA HEAPS!

umm..i think u guys in HCI are learning sequences and series more in-depth?
im learning those formulas like... Tn=a x r^(n-1)?
like, i cant even be bothered to practise those qns...no challenge and those with asterisk also so straightforward...
i want to attend mr khoo's maths lessons!!! ):

my yr12 math tchr is like...write short notes on the whiteboard in informal writing, give us the formulas, and tell us to do qns from XX page to XYpage.
then he sits down there and read magazine or do some simple marking.
=.="
mr khoo is always telling us he has to teach even when he's not feeling well, and i've never seen a single tchr in NY sit down and slack during lesson.
wth...
education is soo slack here.
whatever.

okok what else to report!
hmm.
ohyea Praise and Worship night this saturday in church(:
so cool.
shld be loads of fun and high-ness.
hehh.

end of first wk.

2007-02-16T14:49:00.000+08:00

", they&their big fat attitude problem."

first wk of school has ended.
let's look back at my moods for the past five days:
mon - crap
tues - less crap
wed - same as tues
thurs - ok
friday - crap

math tchr is lousy.
cant teach. and i can come up with better solutions than him for those so called challenging qns he set.
i cant believe the school put me in a normal math class.
it's bad enough im doing yr12 math (which is basically our ny sec4 syllabus and less), but im not even in the MAX class, which is like a special yr12 math class for brainiacs.

math is such a bore now.
we're going series and sequences now, which is basically like number patterns.
darn i need to speak to the HOD of math.
dont wanna waste time doing repeated math topics.

felt sick today. sore throat and tiredness.
think it's PMS. but whatever.
it's the weekends now!!
wheee(:

was a wandering soul again during interval.
that 20mins is like torture everyday.
i walk the long way to my locker to kill some time, then take my time to open the locker, hang around vicky and gang for a few mins, leave becoz i was feeling extra and mute, go for my next lessons 10mins earlier, sit down and do some studying, and then lessons starts.

whoo what a life.

i seriously miss everyone in singapore.
i miss TP's dramatic narration of her family's quirkiness,
lynn's exciting encounters with a gazillion guys,
sinyee's lame jokes,
jas&yoyo's squabbling voices from behind me,
gloria's cheem-ness when it comes to music and literature,
aud&kelly's wonderful two-ppl productions,
and all the sixers' unique behaviours.

and in the yf:
michelle&pam productions,
minnie&sixuan's drama mama acts,
the daoshis and their seriousness when it comes to the bible,
nicholas my emo rubbish bin,
coco the teenage drama queen,
the fantastic worship teams,
and every other single yfer that made up that weird crazy family.

i had a life in singapore, 2 lives actually.
but here im starting from zero once again.
it sucks and i havent felt this way for a long time.
i know i can only pray and hope now,
but honestly, i dont care.

i've lived 16yrs trying to find my true friends and establish a unique social circle.
it may seem small and strange, made up of an assortment of ppl.
but at least it's there and i'd done it.
but now it's gone again and i just dont give a damn abt trying again.

the koreans in school stick to their own species,
the taiwanese are all cutsey pies with their striking poses and giggly voices,
the caucasians are hard to understand becoz i've never in my life had interaction with them,
and the only singaporeans i know might have already formed a two ppl clique.

so whatever.
these past few days i've been reading the purpose driven life.
and it keeps reminding me not to care too much abt things that dont matter.
so true.
i shldnt be bothered abt making ppl like me and all that.
i shldnt be bothered even if ppl see me as a geek who hugs a math textbook all the time and draw ugly images for design class.

i'll get used to hanging around during interval and joining the YG for lunch every day.
most of them are yr13 and next yr they'll be gone.
i'll worry abt my social status then.
for now i'll just be the kid without a clique.

hmm sounds cool actually(:

p.s pls dont worry or think jenny has changed in any way.
i just dont have the energy and time right now to start being a social butterfly anymore.
plus i dont see a need to find a crowd at this point of time.
im being inactive, i know.
but it's alright, really ^-^
im not depressed abt it anymore!
everyone stay happy in wherever they are right now, k?
i'll see you guys soooon...(:

second day.

2007-02-13T12:07:00.000+08:00

", the Oh Mighty King&me."

whaddaya know...
God DID make me feel better. although not directly.
i wandered back to my room after blogging ytd and caught sight of this book on my shelf.
The Purpose Driven Life.

Somehow i decided to pick it up and read it.
Apparently it had 40 chapters due to biblical reasons, so im meant to do one chapter a day.
i figured this'll do for my daily QT for now.
so i finished chap1 ytd.
and it was fantastic.
it reminded me who i'm living for and i must say, the idea of discovering God's purpose for me is thrilling.

so anyway, i was distracted from school for a while, but today reality kicked in again.
but reality was so much nicer today(:

met this germany girl called morija (hmm wait..that looks strange...must've got it wrong).
she was early at media studies with me so we were both chased out by the tchr and told to return only at 9.
i talked to her and realise she didnt go for form mtg. she went straight to media studies classroom.
she didnt know she had to be in her form class for roll call and announcements.
so she probably missed out on alot, not to mention she would've been marked "absent" already.

so we went to north division DP to find out where is the south division DP (she's from south div, kindda like our hse colours in singapore), so then we made our way there and explained the situation to her.
she was nice.
then we returned to media studies class, which was just starting.

hahh morija is new in christchurch too. arrived just a wk ago.
and she's so confused abt the school!
in addition to missing form class even though she was in school, she doesnt know when is interval break, and she got her lunch time all wrong.
she doesnt know her locker yet since they announced it during form mtg this morning.

so i offered to share locker with her until she find out what's her locker number.
BUT i couldnt find her during break AND lunch time...so i think she was wandering around for quite some time on her own >.<
i dont think she has too many friends.
must find her asap..probably have to wait till next media studies class...
aww mann...i hope she didnt feel too sucky today...

but anyway, spoke to the 2 singaporean girls in my media class.
ester and chrys (her shortened name coz i cant rmb her actual name. i only caught the first part).
they were nice too.
so im quite happy today.
plus i sorted out all my courses.

Now: 12Math, 12Eng, 12Classics, 12Media and 12Design. ("12" is the yr level).
which are all plenty of fun and challenge. except for maths. have to find some time to speak to the HOD abt changing to 13Math.

yayy LOVE SCHOOL(:

hmm...im seriously considering reconstructing my blog such that there are 2 sections, one for daily updates, one for more cheem and reflective entries which are not so frequent.
Also, i want a section where i can upload a few pages of my writing so you guys can give me some feedback if you ever have time to read.

gahh. seems like i need a proper website now.
maybe we'll cover that in Design.

me&myself.

2007-02-12T17:52:00.000+08:00

", me&myself."

nemo says: "first day of school, first day of school...!!!"
well i had the same excitement just last night. and actually today was pretty alright.
i coudnt find my classrooms and were late for most of my classes, but it's still ok.

the sucky thing is, i've got no social life, yet.
i know a few ppl, but they're just, like, hi-bye friends and my churchies arent exactly very chummy with me.
so even when jamie and i were eating with the church grp, no one really came to talk to us.
which was pathetic, really.
plus i wasnt really in the mood to tune in to Chatty Jenny.
felt too dizzy and knocked out by my new envinronment, the new ppl, new courses, new school system...

made a new friend though, chi chi.
jap girl.
she probably doesnt know it, but she made my day. im eternally grateful for her spontaneous act of talking to me first.
as a newcomer who cant speak that posh accented english, i can hardly randomly introduce myself to just anybody, can i?
so i was wandering around school, alone, most of the time.
and u know how much i hate that. being alone, i mean.

u could be thinking poor loner jenny and picturing me wandering around school, clutching my bag, a blank expression on my face.
chances are, u're probably spot on.
i dislike the me today. dont wanna go into details, but i wasnt the confident, smiley and voluntary girl i was.
i think i gave my new bio table partner a rather bad impression too. but thats another story.
and whatever.

the classes are interesting and good, like i expected.
hopefully 6 subjects wouldnt prove to be too much for me.
but thats not likely.
students from singapore are highly capable of handling extreme stress level.
one thing to be proud of, eh.

badminton was alright.
lost most of the matches, as usual.
coz i spent 2hrs warming up and it was only in the last 45 mins that i could start playing my best.
so the only match i won was the last one in which i played with jason, vs jamie and stephany.
haii.
pathetic.
honestly.

i think i'll go and do my QT now.
maybe God can make me feel better.

spring cleaning.

2007-02-10T13:20:00.000+08:00

", she&her cat-scaring tactics. MEOW!"

today it was spring cleaning in church.
youths gathered in the building in the morning at 10 plus.
i had to go becoz my employer wanted me there to help in the kitchen.
lets not go into the details of what happened in that gruelling 3hrs...

basically, i was tired, famished, and annoyed.
i have also decided i will quit my whatever part time job in the church kitchen ASAP.
as soon as school starts and i can convince my employer that becoz school is sooo busy with 6 subjects and 2 ccas, i HAVE to quit.
sobsob.

yea that'll be a good enough reason.

ok then.
after the spring cleaning, jamie and i played bball with the guys - ah di, johnny, john and kevin.
i only played coz they needed even number of players.
duh.
i said i couldnt hold a ball right.

AFTER that.
we went to the little room at the back of the church to drink juice and coke, and chat.
it was so weird.
im usually very chatty, but somehow when the guys started talkin abt random stuffs in their taiwanese slangs and accent, i just couldnt open my mouth.
partly becoz it's so darn stupid and tiring trying to talk in their accent, and partly coz i dont have such a wide chinese vocab and slang knowledge.

turns out, thats completely normal for someone who came from a largely english speaking country.
apparently jason feels the same way among taiwanese.
he prefers hanging out with koreans and malaysians.
alright!!
GO ENGLISH(:

school is starting in 36+ hrs!! ^.^

and tmr there's badminton!! ^0^

yayy so thrilled.
im going to start design and it'll be so cool to start sketching in my Visual Diary, this huge A3 sketching block that was included in my stationary list.
IM GOING TO BE AN ARTIST!!!
a failed one maybe, but still one nevertheless(:
next yr when i go back, i can compare skills with TP!!
whee.

somehow joyce found a rubber lizard somewhere.
urghhh.
stupid brat.
freaked the hell outta me when she dangled it in front of my face and jamie smacked it onto my head later.
=.=~

i have cleverly hidden it in jamie's sock.
HA.
dont tell her.
lets see how long it takes for her to find out.

oh wait.
HI JAMIE(:
yea u shld go check ur sock now...

sudoku&officemax

2007-02-09T14:07:00.000+08:00

", me&my neverending feud with SUDOKU."

i attempted to do sudoku today for the first time since it was invented.
shucks.
i hate those rotten numbers and blanks.
>.< myself=".="">"<

yea ok the in the aftnn, jamie and i took bus to city centre to get our stationaries for the new term.
sooo fun.
we walked for 15mins from the bus exchange and found Office Max.
then we had fun finding the stuffs we need and double checking my list (all students have a similar stationary list issued by the school).
then for the first time, i got to pay with my cash card!!

whee.
so thrilling.
except there was account error...
so jamie tried with her card, and still the cursed thing showed "Account Error".
i panicked larr, of coz..
it was exactly like the sort of nightmare i expected.

which is funny, coz before that i was doing a tickle test abt psychic strength and they said that i have a strong psychic ability to predict the future.
so it probably wasnt surprisingly the stupid card wasnt working.

ANYWAY.
i called dad and he told me to try another account.
i used "cheque" for the first few times, so after that i tried with "savings" and it worked!
TADA.
so we left the shop happily ever after.
the end.

then on the bus, jamie was being mean to me again.
i was sitting by the window, as usual, and she said, "eh! look up!" in a really surprised tone.
so i looked up at the window and...
YUCK.
there was white bird poop smudged all the way down the window.
stupid twert =.=

after a few mins, jamie once again said, "eh, jiejie! look up!"
im not stupid, duh. so i refused and plainly rolled my eyes at her to let her know her trick is not working.
hahh!so there.

then later, she suddenly exclaimed, "EH! it's not there already leh!!!"
i was so shocked.
then i was thinking, "wahh! really ar! maybe the wind blew it away!!"
so i hurriedly look up.
...
and what do u know.
...

CHOU4 JIAN MEI!!!
she was laughing like hell.
hurr.
pls lor..
i was nice enough to believe her and that was what she did in return..
i was so darn digusted by what i saw once again.
grrr =.=

so today was basically made up of tickle tests, sudoku, suki, walking, and loads of jamiecrap.
whoo.
now thats the best day anyone can have.

course approval

2007-02-08T14:30:00.000+08:00

", 12NCW&me."

whee back from course approval(:
mann it was soo hectic but FUN.
i was alone most of the times, but thank God for being with me and leading me to the right ppl who helped and guided me along.
THANKYOU.

so finally after many redirections and asking around, my 6 subjects were sorted out and confirmed:
-Media Studies
-Classical Studies (sort of like a study of greek and roman literature, architect and culture)
-Math
-Eng
-Visual art: Design
-Bio

bio was kindda like an accident, or rather, an impromtu decision.
i mean, i HAVE thought of continuing with it, but thats only if im not allowed to take jap.
turns out, before i even took the jap test, i agreed to putting down bio as my 6th subject.
THEN just now i went to take the jap test.
which was heavily screwed.
they wanted me to write a compo. 150words.
pls..i cant even form a sentence in jap apart from "watashiwa Jenny des".
so like...the tchr told me i shld either just drop jap and leave it at 5 subjects, or choose another subject to replace jap.

duh. of course i'll replace it.
visual arts will be SO fun. i mean, graphic design, that kind of thing?
AWESOME!
i just love messing around with adobe. hmm. but the freehand drawing part might get difficult.
im not very artistic actually.
but im sure a smart girl like me will make it through somehow(:
hahh.

ooh i love the way God eventually sorted out all my subjects!
they're all very balanced, dont u think?
there's math, sci, art and language...
nice(:

so anw.
12NCW is my class. "12" is the yr level, "N" is my division (north), and "CW" are the initials of my form tchr.
school officially starts next monday at 9am and i am absolutely thrilled.
i already got to know 2 chinese from my class, jenny zhou and...XXX (cant rmb her name >.<).
BUT.
im determined to make friends with ppl from other countries and races.
afterall, i come from a multi-racial country(:

tickle test.

2007-02-07T13:34:00.000+08:00

YOU'RE AN IRISH SETTER.

No bones about it, you're a devil-may-care Irish Setter. Fun-loving and light-hearted, life is an adventure for you — an attitude your nearest and dearest find refreshing and inspiring. Witty, with a nose for fun, you can turn any social gathering into an unforgettable event, which is why you're always at the top of the guest list. Your varied interests — anything and everything from sky-diving to club hopping — make you extremely well-rounded. Just make sure you don't get distracted and lose sight of your responsibilities. As long as you stay balanced, you're a lucky dog who will always be a kid at heart — woof!

"Hmm...objections, anyone?" - Jenny

hanmer springs.

2007-02-06T12:54:00.000+08:00

", their weird fascination with 40 degree celcius thermal pool&the sky above."

back from Hanmer Springs!(:
it's public holiday today (Waitangi Day, whatever that is) so dad took the family out of Christchurch to a place called Hanmer Springs.
It's really like our Jurong East Swimming Complex, except it is made up of thermal pools (each pool is heated to a different temperature, ranging from 29~40 degrees!) and you could float around any pool u fancy for as long as you like.

but of coz, no one sane would float around for hrs, coz then his or her skin would get all wrinkly and horrible looking.
one except my parents.
jamie, joyce and i went around the various pools (we stayed in each one for abt a min, just to feel the warmth of the water), then went on the waterslides, which arent as exciting as those u find in singapore...

but my parents...
haii. they finished lunch, dad went to swim for 700-800m in the cold pool, and then together mum and dad went to the 40 degrees thermal pool and pao4 in there for..close to an hr?
they were gabbling with excitement how wonderful and soothin it felt and mum was saying she felt so blissful, floating there and watching the sky.
=.="

hmm what else...
ohyes~
tmr im going to call lynn!(:
yayyy. havent talked to her for over 2mths, even before she went to china!
we decided we've got loads to tell each other, so im going to call her. but coz of the time diff, we have to arrange the time according to her timetable and my schedule.
but we managed to find a common time, so im excited and praying i wont forget to call >.<
which would be stupid coz i fixed an alarm for the call! ^0^

just something.

2007-02-05T04:55:00.000+08:00

", me&gingerbeer."

hahh so hilarious.
jamie was vacuuming the house in the morning and i heard her shouting to joyce: "JOYCE you're scaring him AGAIN!"
haha coz we found out that suki is actually afraid of Oddie and the weird quacking toy duck.
so joyce keeps imitating the stupid duck by standing at the window and repeatedly saying to suki, "quack, quack, QUACK..." in this annoying stupid voice that freaks him out.
=.="

ok anw! badminton update(:
last night was soo thrilling. coz just 10mins before the courts closed, me&dad vs jacob&jamie in a match.
it was SO tough. dad&i were lagging behind by 5pts and i was losing all hopes.
THEN.
we started to catch up. i think probably coz the other team ran out of stamina or sth. but it was luck, i can tell u.
so we caught up and ended up in a deuce (spelling error??) of 20-20.
then later became 21-21.
so eventually we won by 23-21.
CLOSE FIGHT MANN.

can u imagine my embarrassment if we'd lost?
like, even with the super pro dad on my side, if we still lost?
it would only mean i really REALLY suck.
but thank god we won. (sorry jamie, no offence!).
even if it was a darn close fight.
hahh dad said jacob looked bu4 fu2 shu1 :P

and just now on msn jason commented that jamie and i are really gettin good at badminton. and stephany commented last night that i bian4 qiang2 le4!
hee. wheeee!
im happy(:

yea and last night, alot more youths turned up so i was warming the benches half the time.
alot of youths i dont know and didnt get to talk to.
stephany says it's so typical of teenage guys. they dont talk to newcomers unless they have to. so i have to be more spontaneous around them.
whatever.
im so not the kind to make the first move.

anw. jason was telling me on msn that alot of ppl at badminton think jamie and i are TWINS.
puh-lease...

...
...

SO NOT.
IM 3YRS OLDER THAN THAT BRAT!!

mygosh. when is the world ever going to see me as a mature, sophisticated and confident young woman, instead of a premature, kiddish, hyper energetic 13yr old...
grrrr.

ok shant talk abt such things.
affects my vibrant, sunshiny personality.
*big smile*

i intended to go and explore the city centre today with stephany, jamie and other YGers. but stephany said her mum wouldnt let her out.
and apparently same case scenario for the twins.
so then i decided i'll go anyway with jamie, to the central library. BUT she wasnt feeling well so i was stuck at home while the perfect weather floated by outside my window.
seriously.there wasnt a single patch of cloud in the sky. it was completely velvety blue!
ahhh...

so i compensated myself by going out with mum, joyce and jamie to visit mum's friend who lives across the park that was opposite kendal ave (which happens to be near our street).
we have 3 bikes, and there were 4 of us.
a simple calculation will tell u there is no way everyone is going on a bike.
so i made a huge sarcrifice and rollerbladed. coz jamie wasnt feeling well and it only made sense to let her go on the easy way.

the trip wasnt as long as i thought..
BUT on the way home, mum suggested we cut through the park instead of go around it, via a nice walkway.
so with all that stupid grass and me on my blades, what else did u expect me to do?

so i think my socks are totally soiled now. urghh. i'll have to wash them myself.
yaya i know..i could've just protested. but i thought i could easily cut through the park with blades.
how did i know the "shortcut" was going to be so darn long?

hahh anyway. had fun.
and i discovered my true blading potential(:
yeah man.
i can go the distance!

rants.

2007-02-03T14:41:00.000+08:00

you think you're so blardy educated and wise.
so much so that you dont understand where im coming from.
well i dont care. coz guess what. i've finally found the courage and voice to stand up to you.
dont get the wrong idea. it's not like i've been deprived of any joy in life.

life has been good these 16yrs. so far.
i've happy childhood memories (except the ones in which you cane me like siao), and you're a good dad in general.
you have many brilliant qualities dads these days are lacking. and you are willing to listen to us whenever we have sth to say.
but now here's the problem.

we talk, yes, you listen, uh huh.
but then the next day. you had a tired day at work, you come back feeling weary and grumpy. mum starts a small complaint abt someone not doing the dishes.
and BAM.
your scolding spree starts.
nag nag nag. grumble grumble grumble.
all agreements and discussions we had previously were cancelled out.

it's just too bad, isnt it?
that i cant really talk to u abt anything now.coz i've realised, that u listen, but u dont follow up.
from ur P.O.V, u're always right, always talking sense.
maybe thats true.
maybe 10yrs later, i'll look back and think i've been such an ungrateful fool.
but for now, seriously, i think i can get nothing into ur head.
ur thick head of so called wisdom and education.

i've always taken pride in the fact that my family is one that has good communication.
sth that is lacking in many others.
but good communication is only valid when all parties are taken into consideration and the effect is seen in the family.

i still love you, and i'll forget this official quarrel of ours soon enough.
but then, i know this problem is never solved. and it probably never will be.
it's been enjoyable living in this family under one roof.
but u know.
sometimes a little distance is good for everyone.
they always say absence makes the heart fonder.
and i think being apart will help us appreciate each other more.

i'm praying for the day i graduate from high school, dad.
i'm praying for the day i can go to univ and live with my own frens.
i know when that day comes, i'll probably find myself in tears, unwilling to leave this warm home.
but then i will be thrilled.

and then later, perhaps i will regret my firm decision.
i will want to come back to you.
if i do, the whole cycle will start again. maybe.
but if i ever do come back,
i know you'll always welcome me.
with open arms.

afterall.

that's what dads are for.

quail island.

2007-02-03T12:11:00.000+08:00

", he&his irrational fear of ODDIE."

there wasn't a single quail in sight...
=.=
darn. i was soo looking forward to at last mtg the wonderful bird that lays those delicious polka dotted eggs i often eat.
ohwells.
someone SHOULD have at least mentioned to me that the quails have been extinct for YEARS on that peanut sized island..
it would give me one more reason NOT to go.

and oh, the boat ride?
yea, it wasnt fantastic at all.
we got to the top to catch some breeze, but it got so darn cold that we snuck back downstairs.
and the ride was only 15mins.
we didnt even get to chat with the other youths and take some photos.
but it was kindda hilarious coz kevin was being so kiddish.
he always gels and styles his hair in a bao4 za4 fashion so it looked pretty cool and funky with his black&white specs.
so on the rooftop of the boat where the wind was so blowy, he kept patting his hair and peering anxiously at us and saying, "我的头发ok吗?...很讨厌...风一直吹...!"

that was the only thing that was funny and then after that, everyone kept makin fun of him becoz of that.
like when we were all ready to go trekking, he was lagging so far behind that we couldnt see him. so grace, our youth grp counsellor, was like asking what's he up to.
so i was saying, "应该又在弄头发吧..."
then sara laughed and we realised everyone had noticed this weird thing abt kevin. like he even cares abt his bag getting dirty if he puts it on the grass. hahh :P

yea but i regret in sayin we only have 2pics of the island, and both are focused on the scenary.
i was so hopin that i could have a few snaps of my new frens here, to show u guys. but sighh. i thought the camera was with jamie and even got pissed off that she didnt wanna take it out on our way to the island.
then later, when we were leaving, i realised it was with me all the time.
haii.
wasted.

but anyway!
i managed to talk for abit with amy. funny girl. hahh.
i guess if not for her, jamie and i would be completely friendless and bored.
not that the puny island wasnt already boring.

so...well i guess nth much to narrate...except the beach was littered with piles of greenish dung. it was like an obstacle course and we had to avoid hitting the targets.
blehh.
jamie stepped on one. HAHH.
ok sry...im not very sympathetic..
but thanks to her, i became more careful for the rest of the stay.

and um...
yea today was not as exciting as i imagined. and i think given another chance, i wouldnt go >.<
although the number of youths who turned up was more than expected, it made no diff coz we didnt get to talk or anything.
we just trekked for an hr and lame jokes poured forth and we just laughed.
then that monkey alan kept acting stupid and complaining to grace, saying he's not feeling well.
ohoh the wacky thing that sara said was when we had just started the trek.
grace checked the map and decided we shld take the Long Circuit path, which will take us 1hr.
so the start of the trek was immediately an upslope walk and everyone was gumbling and wailing that we shld turn back and take the Short circuit.
then halfway up the slope, alan was moving like an old man and saying stuffs like, "我不行了...!"
THEN sara said, "还好吧... ...只剩五十九分钟了啊!!" =.="

tmr is badminton night(:
so plenty shld be happening.
coz more youths are back now.
and also especially since amy has promised a good show for us. starrin her and vincent(:

ok im SOOO tired now..
lousy trek..took us over the hills and down zig-zaggy slopes.
im going to SNOOZE now.
jamie is downloading ep12 of tokyo juliet. so we can watch when i wake(:

ESOL test.

2007-02-02T15:45:00.000+08:00

", me&my darn cute new bestie."

i feel the need to explain the header in case anyone gets overly curious or confused.
firstly, if you know me well enough, you will know i dont have besties. i rank all my friends on equal platforms and everyone is special to me in different ways.
secondly, if you know if even better, you will know i do have some besties in life.
thirdly, if you know me so blardy well, you will know my besties frequently change.
and lastly, if you know me to the bones, you will know that all my so-called besties are non-living(:

example.
my first bestie in yr2005 was the watercooler down the corridor. he became my bestie since i have a long term habit of not bringing the water bottle to school and TP started making a private joke out of it.
then in yr2006, my bestie was changed to youtube. i became aquinted with her when TP introduced me to the series of Hard Gay videos which are HILARIOUS. after that i started using my bestie for all sorts of things, like watching sailormoon.

so with a new yr, of course i'll have a new bestie.
hehh. and this time my new bestie is GOOGLE. it's just a temporary bestie because it's not really that fascinating.
(i decided to call my bestie IT since i think Google is unisex.)
how it came to be my bestie?
it's stupid, but i'll tell u anyway. it's all coz of jason huang. dumbdumb boy.
hurr.
i know im stupid, but he didnt have to keep directing me to google search engine everytime i ask him a qn =.=
"what's bandwidth?"
"i've never seen a quail!"
"arent torrents fast flowing streams?"
haii.
so eventually i found myself visiting google more and more often. when i was in singapore, i didnt like using google at all.
well, THANK YOU ARH, jason huang.

yea so anw.
SO THRILLED NOW. coz tmr we're going to Quails Island(:
we get to sit the boat~~boat~~
WHEE.
and see quails^^

saw kevin at the ESOL test today. hehh. funny guy.
only here for abt 2wks? from taiwan.
he looked so darn shocked to see us. like, HUH??!what you doing here...??
hahh. jamie was v.impressed coz he finished his paper within half of the given time and was slouching on his chair, posing and being casual.
but i said he probably didnt know how to do sooo many qns that he gan1 cui4 leave the entire paper blank.
><

personally, my ESOL test was quite screwed, since i expected myself to score full marks.
the writing section was totally unfair. they tested me MATH qn.
a chart graph and a line graph were given.
and im supposed to write a report to the university lecturer describing the graphs.
like.what!
and the graphs are abt fast food consumation in Britain from 1970 to 1990. like i care!!
im not trained in this area of writing! we dont do this kind of thing in singapore!! T.T
or at least not in depth.

haii. so apart from the writing section, i think i did fairly well in the reading, writing and vocab sections.
easy as peas.
whatever that means.

ANW(:
im feel LOADS happier and relaxed now.
OHOH. last night darling joyce found the CD that TP gave me before i left singapore.
i thought i had lost it, or worse, dropped it back in singapore!! ):
i was sooo thrilled i nearly cried. then i insisted i HAD to watch the contents of the CD before sleeping.
jamie was grumbling coz the comp is in her room. but i clicked on the lights and she ended up watching with me.
it was super touching!!
it was full of photos and really sentimental words. i just knew beneath the silence of dear TP, she actually has alot of things to say.
awww. such a sweet girl.
i just LOVE my TP(:
so of coz after watchin the video, i couldnt help but feel that i MUST email TP at once.
jamie was like, "i KNEW you wouldnt ba4 xiu1 after watchin the video.. >.<"
^^"

hmm.whoa.
this post ended up pretttty looong.
i didnt think i'll have alot to say.
ohWELLSsSs.
(haha, the "S"s are a private joke b/w jamie and me)

okok!finish blogging le(:
tmr jamie shall upload lots of lovely pics from Quails Island!
Stay tuned...

yayyness.

2007-01-31T15:35:00.000+08:00

", he&his new eccentric hobby of swatting flies."

ahhh.imagine the joy of a blogger when she sees her taggie flooded, by frens AND strangers(:
thats so sweet. I LOVE YOU PPL!
nth much to update once again.except i went to see the vice principal of burnside high sch and she isnt very keen to let jamie and me skip a grade. coz apparently, the sch likes to keep students within their age grps, including foreign students.
that makes sense. so i accept it. but this way, it seems im almost doomed to stay here for 2yrs instead of the planned 1yr.
which is ok with me.im in no hurry to go univ, graduate, find job, get married, have a family, get a career and scram into the coffin.
but tell that to my dad.
sheesh.

the way he was grumbling abt jamie's english test.honestly. it's as though she failed?
she just didnt manage to finish her paper on time. big deal. i leave loads of maths qns blank when i did tests in ny. but then again, i suppose he thinks doing an english paper shld be second nature to us.
brrr.
trembling at the thought of our upcoming ESOL test. it's another english test which examines our english abilities more thoroughly. in terms of speakin, writing, and...um. something else. forgot what it is.
anyway. it's this friday. and lucky jamie. she's got experience already and knows what to expect.

yea anyway..been talkin some ppl from hcmc these days..brings back loads of memories.
like...eating lunch at dover with yfers(: ohoh.and singspiration in the humanities room!and then we always have cha dian in the canteen, chattin abt minor stuffs.
i kindda regret not spending more time with everyone in hcmc. and i felt like i seriously wasted one yr there coz it wasnt until last yr that i started to make frens and open up to everyone?
what was my problem??!
so here in a new land, among new ppl, im determined not to make the same mistake becoz i may also be stayin here for only 2yrs.

ok lets see.what else..ohyar. finished buying school uniform.except the school fleece jacket coz they dont have XXS in the shop now.
but ohmann the school skirt is like, below our knees and the minimum requirement is "no shorter than 10cm above the knee when kneeling". so obviously jamie and i want our skirt to be at least above the knees.
but mum was like.
"NO, you see, as long as it's no shorter than 10cm above the knees, it's fine!"
but gawd!nobody wears their skirt 10cm BELOW the knees!! =.="
and in case u dont know, our sch skirt is those sort of tight ones, not flappy like the ny sch skirt.
so now i have to figure out how to edit the hem of the skirt. FAST. coz by next wk i'll need to wear it officially to sch for course approval meetings.
and mum certainly isnt going to help.

hmm.what else.oh yes im lookin forward to this sat.
the YG is going out to Quails Island!!yayy we'll get to sit a BOAT(: and then spot some quails, if there are any left on the island.
The Twins are so evil.jamie must've bugged vincent a hundred times to go but he wouldnt budge.says he'll be bored off his pants there.and jason thinks they'd been there before.
and speakin of the twins. imagine our shock when we realise both of them have ZERO idea who is who between the two of us.
=.="
so like we see them every weekend and play badminton with them.but they are absolutely clueless who is jenny and who is jamie. and dont ask me why they never asked us on msn. as far as they're concerned, they'd been talkin to almost complete strangers on msn called "jenny" and "jamie".
... ...
hahh. the wonders of the human guy mind.

so anw. wadeva.

i miss everyone in yf!!
and in HCI!!
and others scattered all over the world!!
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE(:
coz i have no idea when is the actual cny =.=

nothingness.

2007-01-30T05:04:00.000+08:00

", she&and her sudden infatuation with basketball&THE person related to it."

hehh i have decided to turn up the creativity of this blog by a notch. so i have decided to put my msn nick as the header for every entry, since i seldom see you guys online due to the time difference):

jamie has just gone to school to take her tests.good luck jamie(:
before she left the hse, i yelled to her to make some frens, since all the students takin the tests are yr9 new students. she was like, "huh? ORH. ok. i'll try." you know. typical of her. haha.

i dont understand her prob seriously. i mean, she thinks she's fantastic with a great sense of humour, hip, fun and nice. and she is. but then she has this problem with makin new frens. she doesn't talk, for goodness sake. she just smiles alot (shyly), reply with a one word answer when someone fires a qn at her, and then moves off.

sometimes i feel it's unfair to her. she can be a great friend if ppl will just try her. but then they usually take a long time to notice her. unless she was shooting hoops. so now she's called tou2 fen1 wang2 on the courts. but off court, i dont think anyone comes forth to talk to her apart from those few we know.

and stupid ahdi is tryin to steal her from me.that lao ren.

hmm.yea i was askin joyce if she'd miss me when i go abroad for uni and she said yes. "i want you to go yr12!" she insisted loudly.
"But i want to go yr13!"
"NO!! I WANT YOU TO GO YR12~!!!!!"
she actually screamed the last part. goodness. she said if i went to yr12, i'd be able to stay in christchurch for 2yrs, so i wont leave so soon.
aww. that was sweet of her.
and i notice that sometimes when we all go blading around the neighbourhood, she'll come up to me and quietly slip her hand through mine.
(:
BUT.irionically, her daily actions dont seem to prove she'll miss me.that twert.she always sides with jamie and talks to me in a mei2 da4 mei2 xiao3 manner thats really annoying.
haii. i guess kids are just weird.

hmm ok whats next.
yepyep my english test is on friday. and i have course approval mtgs with the various head of departments next wk >.< color="#ff0000" size="4">so cute of amy coz vincent must be at least a head taller than her and he's a big boy (not that she's inferior in size). she's like those kindda of tomboys who just loooves pickin on young guys. but that girl has some spunk!i'd love to meet her(:

i'll upload pics of the youth grp here ASAP k! as soon as everyone comes back and im familiar with more or less everyone(:

till next time, sayonara!

another episode.

2007-01-29T06:34:00.000+08:00

yay back with another episode of Jenny&TheShuttle(:

hmm.yea well.jamie was like sayin she wants to play badminton with the twins.coz apparently she's not afraid of pros and she wants to experience playing with them.oh haha.so i told jason to make sure he'll put aside some time to satisfy jamie.

so last night we played a match.me&jason VS jamie&vincent.obviously my team lost.coz vincent is actually a tad better than jason.and i have a strong suspicion jamie is better than me too.so like.yea.DUH.

and last night more youths came. peter came again. ah di finally showed himself. and then there's the new guy kevin. jamie kept runnin out to play bball with them and poor me had to tag along just so she wont feel awkward. please. i cant even HOLD a bball right.

i didnt fulfill my dream of defeatin ah di, even in badminton, which is so unfair. coz i have improved. seriously. i won two matches. no need to mention how many i lost. but STILL!

im feelin quite happy coz im finally gettin to know the youths better(: and burnside is startin to seem more appealin by the minute.

P.S d, it's SO not possible we'll fall for the same guy.coz i like good boys and u like bad boys. but in case u havent seen my last msn nick, it says, "if we ever have the same crush, dee, i'll let you have him."

i dont want to see the mean side of u when a fight starts >.<

explanation.

2007-01-27T15:45:00.000+08:00

um. for those who read my tagboard constantly, there is no need to panic over what someone called "d" has said. it is completely untrue and based only on her own womanly instinct, which really isnt very accurate(:

so therefore just think of me as a single, cheerful, intelligent and sophisticated teenage girl. anything that d says which contradicts to any of the mentioned is FALSE(:

yep ok on with the official post!

well there isn't much to update really. basically, i've discovered today that i not only suck in badminton, i suck even more in basketball. yep so im an all round amateur. whoopee.

DANIEL KUO AH DI I WILL WIPE THAT SMUG GRIN OFF YOUR FACE SOME DAY!

ok now i feel better.

hmm. not lookin forward to the appointment with the school. or the entrance tests. gettin the jitters now. gahh.

tryin to get used to my part time cleaning job and my super jie2 pi4 employer.

tada end of post!

loveya and missin everyone in singapore(:

p.s d, is the length of this post more to your humble liking?

boingboing.

2007-01-25T09:56:00.000+08:00

YES.
i found the inspiration to blog again(:
hmm now lets see...what shall i blog about...

yea nth in my mind right now. im being angry with the mouse coz it keeps clicking on urls that i dont want to go. im telling it to work with me.

hmm..supposed to go peach picking now. but mum's not back with joyce. and it looks like it's going to rain..oh well. thats good. coz now i'll probably get to watch yu-gi-oh(:

oh, but there's the uniform second hand sale later at 4.30p.m. arrgh >.<

didn't sleep well last night coz was chatting with ppl from spore as well as youths from my new church. turned in at midnight. woke up several times coz jamie kept jerkin and kickin the blanket off in her sleep. gave up and went back to my bedroom to sleep.

haii.that girl. it's impossible to share bed with her.

had weird dreams abt the youths in church here. dreamt of that idiotic girl too. umm. woke up at 8.40am. which is my record time since coming here. i usually wake at 10? yea. but today i had to wake early coz i didnt do the dishes from last night. so mum said either i wake up early to wash them, or wash them for the whole of today. which wouldnt be fair coz it's supposed to be that girl's turn today.

so yea. im tired now. but still feel like doing sth.

ok i'll find someone to chat with on msn.

bye!(:

sadness.

2007-01-22T13:18:00.000+08:00

(before i officially start this entry, i'll just like to let everyone know that if you tag on my tagboard, i'll reply on your blog in return, and not on my tagboard. i think it's more convenient this way for everyone.

coz sometimes when i tag on someone's blog and she replies on her tagboard, if i dont visit for a some time, the next time i check back, my tag (and her reply) would be pushed so far down that i have to click "older msgs". so i'll prefer to tag back on ur blog, unless u have none, then i'll just reply on my taggie.)

----------------------------

it's been exactly 24hrs since the most recent badminton session. and my mood hasn't improved a bit. ok maybe just a weensy bit. but thats only coz i busy myself so much i dont have time to think.

for those reading abt my exciting weekly badminton sessions for the first time, i'll just fill you in on the basic details:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

it is held every sunday night, at st thomas college (spelling error?). it is organised by the church and the number of players who turn up every wk ranges from 16-20. and their ages range from 13-40+.

the pros tend to play tournaments in the first two courts. the intermediate will take the third, and the amateurs (such as yours truly) will be playing in the last.

there is a riccaton gang, labelled by jenny as the riccaton badminton alliance. they are one mean, smashing team of pros. all from the riccaton high school badminton team. there are 5 of them currently, more to come as the summer hols are ending.

there is supposed to be a burnside alliance too (jamie and i are supposed to be in it since we're due to start in that sch in 2wks time). but the members had gone back to taiwan for the holiday. so jenny is currently anxiously waiting for the return of her unknown alliance members, who will, hopefully, join forces with her so she doesnt look so weak and pathetic in front of the other party.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

yea ok enough of the crap talk.
truth be told, one burnside member was there ytd. he's called peter (i think) and he's pretty good even after a long break from badminton. as i'd hoped, he was nice and played with us amateurs. i hope even more that all burnside seniors will be as nice as him. if so, my days of worries are over.

so anw. thats not the main point actually.
main point is, i was forced into an tournament (with dad as my team mate) against The Twins.
DA DA DA DA!!!(imagine dramatic music at this point)
so, like, you would know The Twins are one major part of the riccaton alliance. they're so pro together there are no words to describe them. older one is jason, younger is vincent. both cool, both pro.
and on the other hand, there's my wonderful dad, who can take on the 17 yr old twins, not with ease, but with relative power.
and partnering him is...
jenny.
the amateur.
excuse me. the picture is wrong here!!
i told dad i can't do it. i cant even use my backhand right yet. but he was eager to play another match before the stadium closed. and the pros on the benches were all takin their rightful break. so that left me.
i walked towards the court (no,actually,i was wobbling there) and i whined quietly to dad to tell him im not ready for this big thing. i mean, yea, i played against jason once (no need to mention i'd lost pathetically), but never against TWO of them.

but what do you know.
dad dad that FIRE in his eyes. like, seriously, really fierce and raging. like, show some back bone or you'll get it when we get home.
dad wouldn't let me be a quitter. but honestly, i knew i couldnt be his partner. i'll just fail him terribly. but he seemed so confident i could do it that i just went on court.
so the game began.

and thats when the problem comes in.
he keeps bossying me and ordering me to stand right in front of the net to hit the short distance ones. but he forgets that my reaction is not as fast as the pros and short distance ones require alot of quick reflex. which i sadly lack.
he was so focused on the game that i could feel the disapproval radiating from him whenever i miss a shot or hit the cock in the wrong direction. he was being absolutely critical of me and i felt worse and worse by the second.
i tried to put up some sort of fight, but it was draining. The Twins weren't even tryin their best and you can so tell they're going easy on the weeny amateur starin in their faces.
it got to a point whereby no one was even telling me the score and The Twins weren't even bothered whats their score. They just played real casually and i was just so embarrassed but angered at the same time.

it was downright insulting.
behind me was dad naggin at me, telling me how i should hold the racket, what i'd done wrong just now, where i should serve to, where i should stand... and in front of me were The Twins, playing like it was second nature to them (which, i think, it was).
do u understand how i felt?
of course you dont.
you'd think im being oversensitive.
but how would you feel if your dad was always disappointed in ur playin skills even though you'd improved a hell lot over 3wks?
how would you feel if you had to play in a tournament against two pros because you secretly wanted to prove to ur dad that you CAN play well but in actual fact you embarrassed yourself beyond humanity and caused your dad to lose the game by a large margin?
and not to mention ur dad is someone who treats a game like a matter of life and death and when he is into the game, he forgets who he is playing with, playing against, and playing for.
so by losing the game for him, it's a terrible blow for him.
but it's worse for you because you know you have done ur best, and you feel like you actually did really well, but his silence denied all ur efforts and hard work.

but above all, how would you feel if your secret aim was to improve so much that you could match up to the pros and make ur dad feel proud, and you keep waiting to hear someone comment on how much u've improved and how well you played, but then nothing was said and everyone is silent after playing with you, except a polite word of "thanks for the game"?
how would you feel?

im not sayin i suck at badminton. i can hit the shuttlecocks most of the times and im improving alot in terms of power and agility. i would think dad would've said sth abt my skills at this point of time. but no.
he's too focused on the lost game and the fact that i cant win any games.
and worse of all, jamie pointed out last night that she had won every doubles with catherine. and i said thats becoz catherine is a pro from the riccaton alliance. and jamie said, "yea, but you lost that match when you partnered with her right?"

i dont think jamie realises the impact of the words she spoke. i dont know what she was really tryin to say. maybe she was tryin to tell me it's not catherine that won the game, but she and catherine.

but then again, her reply to me made me feel alot worse than what i already felt. it's like im not just an amateur. im an amateur doomed to fail anyone who dares partner me.
hell. oh, no, God forbids. just step away from jenny. she never wins any match.
it shouldn't matter too much, really.
but u dont understand my dad.
sports is his LIFE.
he wants us, his family, to enjoy sports. but im telling you. to him, sports is more than just an enjoyment. when he plays, he really competes. and he puts his heart and soul into the game. which is good, really, but im not sure i like it that way.

becoz when he's like that, it's like as his daughter, i have to do equally well in sports. i feel the pressure and it's suffocating. he doesnt mean it that way, im sure, but it's just an effect on me.
he's really impressed by The Twins and ppl like catherine. you can just tell. the way his eyes shine whenever he's up against one of them and always telling me to learn from catherine and surpass her one day.

well, yea, im sorry im not as good as some ppl, dad. thats just too bad for u, isnt it.
i'm going to keep trying, but not for you anymore, dad. coz im sick and tired of always tryin my best for you.
i would feel sorry for myself. sorry that i have to bear the humiliation of playing against the pros, waste the time, and having them go easy on me. and sorry that at the same time i have to face your critical eyes.
but i wont. coz God has blessed me with many other good things. and i wont let some stupid badminton match get me down.
so there.

ooo.

2007-01-21T11:49:00.000+08:00

since coming here, i have felt sincere gratitude towards those who have been faithfully reading my blog, taggin encouragements and replying me emails. so here's a big THANK YOU to one and all ^0^

it has always been one of my worries that i will lose contact and closeness with my frens in spore. but technology has proven to be a good friend in this case. so im really thankful that God made the world this way. minus all the racial/religion discimination and political wars, that is.

today during sunday service, the sermon was about counting our blessings, not troubles. i wont drone on abt the content of the sermon, coz im sure everyone knows the importance of remembering our blessings from God. so here i shall make my own list of Blessings(:

Jenny's List of Blessings (at age 16.5):

1. Although she found out this aftnn that she's actually only 155.5cm in ht (and not the assumed 156cm), which makes her exactly 0.5cm shorter than her sister, jamie, she is still thankful that at least she grows. There are people in this world who remain at a child's ht even after they reach adulthood. Jenny prays for God to bless those ppl with mental strength and courage to overcome their daily obstacles.

2. Even though she does not have a blasting long line of suitors like some of her friends, at least she has an average lookin face and a strong healthy body. so she can play badminton =,=

3. Her greatest regret in life is that she doesn't have a charming, caring older brother. but she has two younger sisters - one who is half idiotic and half lame, another who is half tasmanian devil and half angel. and both of them can kill her with their silly gags.

4. Her family is not rich, but her parents work hard to provide her with a comfortable living and study environment. For this she is entirely grateful.

5. Her friends are not popular in school, neither rich nor famous (well, actually, TP is rich, but thats not the point), but they are loyal and trustworthy. they have made her laugh, listened to her problems, and stood up for her. she has faith in the friendships she has forged over the years in singapore.

6. Her puppy is noisy, time and energy demanding, smells like rotten cabbage, pees in her room, barfs on her bed, annoys her dad...but she is still grateful for this little creature to enter her life at this point of her life, to teach her compassion and kind firmness in handling. this training will equip and prepare her for the future when she ever has kids (pls note: puppies = kids), assuming she ever finds her other half.

7. She is not top of the class (yet), but she has good brains that can push her to that spot if only she'll get off her butt and start working.

8. She has found a part time job, however unlikely she fit the bill. (For those who dont know Jenny very well, her trademark personality is: junkyard bedroom, loathing for housework, irregular and short fiery passion for weird things like gardening etc, late sleeping and waking hrs etc...). Because her part time job is the clean the church kitchen once a week, for an hour or so. This includes scrubbing the floor, stove, arranging stuffs in the drawer...

9. She will be starting the new term in a very prestigious high school and she is determined to make use of the brains God has blessed her with.

10. She has published a novel online at this age.

so on and so forth...

i like to keep the numbers within 10(: i dont know why. 10 just seems like a good place to stop ^.^

so anw. i cant think of any troubles i have now. except maybe worries for the new term in a new school. but im sure God will guide me.

i encourage everyone to make a list of their own blessings! :D it's a good way to kill time (if you have too much of it), entertain urself, and reflect upon God's love in your life.

badminton(:

2007-01-14T22:10:00.000+08:00

just came home from my second badminton session for this mth. it was...smashin(: and i improved! more speed, more accuracy...just still not enough power >.< and my arm didnt hurt one bit. last wk it started burning just after 15mins!

ohh and i realised today there's a nasty little badminton alliance in the church badminton club. catherine, ling an, jason and vincent (twins), and another jason, are actually from Riccarton High School badminton school team! sheesh. i felt so tiny and betrayed T_T booo. thankfully there's still jamie, stephany and jacob (siblings), who play for fun but are pretty good too. hehh. according to catherine, there are alot of Burnside students in the church too, it's just that they've gone back to taiwan for the summer hols. yay so when they return, i'll get my own Burnside alliance! hopefully(:

but catherine and older twin have been really nice when they're playing with amateurs like me. they go easy on us but they still win eventually. by a small margin. but still. anw. catherine said jamie and i play pretty well. we just need more practise. so maybe one day i'll be good enough to play with the pros.

i learnt alot from the games actually. like when we play doubles, it's really abt trust and teamwork. knowing the style of your partner and knowing each other's limits. sometimes when the cock comes shuttling over my head and i'll go, "oh no thats it then..they score one." but then miraculously, my partner will hit it from behind like an angel. then we'll end up scoring. so thats how it works. in pairs.

but it's different when we play in singles. i dont like playing in singles actually. kindda lonely and the court seems alot bigger. harder to play.

ok so enough abt the badminton stuffs.

things are really startin to fall into place now. and im hopin after school starts, i'll have a normal life again. but im really missin my frens in singapore and when i go blog surfing and emailing them, i get a little pang in my heart, coz life goes on as usual for them and even though they complain and rant, i can tell they're still glad to be with their frens there.

so, like, i kindda feel a little jealous when i read abt their lives. they still go cine to watch movie, take neos, eat at pastamanic...all the things i used to do. and it's so sad for me to think that everything is still the same in singapore, even without me. but of coz i know my frens havent forgotten me. it's just a rotten feeling i get. so now im not really readin blogs anymore. but i know u guys still are! so thanks for still showing concern for me(: i'll be praying for u ppl!

oh and read Psalm 32(:

something.

2007-01-12T13:49:00.000+08:00

okie dokes...my first post of yr '07!(:
just to remind my few but precious reader, im not a big fan of blogger photo uploader, even though i really want to share the things here with you. plus, when i blog, i do long and detailed posts, so dont expect frequent updates ^.^ thus, for recent pictures of my days here in nz and a short and funked up version of daily happenings, visit jamie's blog instead(:
of coz, pls be warned that jamie tends to make me look bad. see, makin fun of me is her new hobby this holiday. so dont believe the jokes abt me on her blog. and those dumb pics of a horrible looking girl with no dress sense?
so not me.
thanks.

ok so on with the post!

alot has happened actually,but not exciting enough to be posted. hmm.basically, the family has decided to join the church badminton club and we play every sunday evening. it's cool coz there are ppl of all age groups, so we can always find someone to practise with. but i just feel soo inferior at the practises. coz, like, all the kids are regulars and they're damn pro. but like jamie says, if we become regulars too, we'll get better and better too!(:

the family is getting on really well, but as i inch closer to college days, dad is startin to get on my nerse.

be an all round student.
pls. i play, like, 6 different kind of sports and have read a wide range of books. im sry im not hugely competitive in these areas and yes i havent won any major awards. but im just a jack of all trades, master of none, OK??
do well in school because ppl here pay alot of attn to abilities.
oh yea like i havent been doing well enough by gettin into EM1 stream (top in class); 263 for PSLE, thus securing a place in NY special stream; good results into sec 2 that allowed me to enter the IP, BSP and triple sci class. come on, trust me. i may go slack for the first few mths. but i never kid with the end of yrs.
it's not hard to get a scholarship.
what, just becoz ur fren says so and all ur frens' kids are gettin scholarships into the Ivy League?I'll get a scholarship if i want to and can. i dont need to get a scholarship for you. You're makin me rethink abt goin to sydney for univ. not good, alright. I've made up my mind abt goin in the media direction. There arent many scholarships for that area. hello. reality check. thats not the usual route for most students.
I dont think im gettin much support here.
Stop reading those childish novels and read the newspaper.
Im doing both, dad, and i dont see a problem with "childish novels" like harry potter and deltora. They keep a kid's imagination lively. i dont see why i have to lose my ability to fantasise just becoz im growing up. and yes, im goin to continue watchin my fav cartoons like teen titans and yu-gi-oh.
oh, and abt the newspaper? I tried reading, honestly. but just give me more time. i only learnt today that Bagdad is the captial of Iraq, and i learnt that from the show Beauty and The Geek. see? tv IS GOOD.
You need to be more responsible for the puppy.
Dad. pls. puppies require attn ALL THE TIME. and unless i sit next to him for 24/7, he'll just keep yelping. oh why dont u try doin that? and am i not supposed to be studying like u told me to? im doin my best ok. just becoz u dont like poops lying around in the garden and suki barking at nth doesnt mean it's my fault. you're not even lifting a hair to help. JUST - BACK - OFF.

the issues gets worse becoz im finding more guts in me. im startin to talk back, which surprises myself. becoz im not used to talkin back. the old me used to just sit and take it. and i swear this change is not becoz of the new environment. i have NOT gone bad. and i DO NOT have anger management issues. and i certainly am not in an identity crisis.
if anything, im seeing my life clearer now. im seeing all the parts where it's screwed, but at the same time, im beginning to appreciate things i never did before. like helping mum prepare meals. except when i have to wash and chop broccoli into weensy eensy bits to make salad. that just stinks. but apart from that, it's been fun.

oh, and little conversations i have with jamie. we sometimes make joyce laugh so hard dad had to yell at us to shut up. and jamie's sense of humour has seriously grown wicked. see, here's how it works between us.
im usually the lame one.
i'll go, "lalalalalalaLALALALA~~~!!!" of coz, i wont hit the highest note. so i'll just stop, beam into the air and say, "I think i have the most beautiful voice."
That usually happenes when we're on long walks or when im super bored in the shower. then jamie will respond in something witty or just ur average snappy reply. which will make me laugh like a donkey and she'll blink at me.
"So funny meh?"
of coz, we take turns. sometimes she plays the idiot spontaneously and my respond will be stare, blink, roll eyes. then it'll be jamie's turn to laugh her pants off.
so the other day after an especially moronic episode of Jamie and Her Acts, i told her i dont know why anybody except me bothers to even respond to her and her dumbness.
and she said, yea, i dont know why i do that for you too. you must be darn grateful to me.
ok she didnt actually say that, but sth like that.

so yea. me and jamie. yep. we're building a strong rapport.

hmm ok let's see...what else.
OOOOHHH.
jamie is by the window and she said the sky is pinkish purple right now. as in, it's 11pm here. so thats really unusual.
...
yea it's really pinkish-purple. i went to the window to see. so pretty(:
hmm.
-___-"
jame is outside in the garden, waving at me through the window like a lunatic.
ok enough abt her.

i've started designing blogskins again. my first one for this yr will be up soon. forced to be created by the oh-ever-so-pushy jamie. nag.nag.nag. i've yet to finish it. but it will be soon. thanks to the babbling mouth that never stops yaddering next to my ear.

why is my post today FULL of Jamiecrap???

God save me.

Just knock me out.

.

2006-12-28T12:23:00.000+08:00

when you're in a foreign land with no friends and no memories, you tend to question the purpose of being there and how you will go about starting life afresh.
these questions can sometimes drive you nuts, especially when it's during the holidays there and you have all the time in the world to think about such things.

to keep my precious sanity (dad has this weird theory that all good fantasy writers and poets have loose screws coz they drive themselves crazy trying to come up with new and exciting plots. i suppose his theory is not entirely wrong, i mean i can name a couple of poets who are either gays, criminals or live in an asylum..except i cant really rmb any one right now. but no matter. fact remains that dad's theory made me worry about my sanity. i mean, i love fantasising and writing, but hell, i want to be SANE~!!), i have come up with a fantastic list of things i could do and think about that will keep my focused on my ultimate goal. or rather, God's goal.

of course, i have no idea what's God's purpose for me, but after a serious interrogation with myself and good observation of my parents, i more or less know what's expected of me by the ppl in my life.

they say we shouldn't live for others, and i agree. so i won't shortchange myself in any way. i want to do what i like and what interests me. so i'll find some way to squeeze everything into a frame that will satisfy everyone. or the majority. and hopefully that includes my Lord - but if it doesn't please Him, i'll definitely allow Him to change my will according to His and walk the path He has chosen for me.

but anw, before that day comes, here is my fantastic list that might not be so fantastic to you:

To Jenny:
Reasons to be happy and sane:-

1) You have chosen exciting and new subjects for the next two yrs, including media studies and japanese, which you have regretted 3yrs for dropping it when you were takin it.

2) You are working on The Magicator Bk2, which is coming along great except for a few minor probs that shall not be named here. It will be another exciting read for your supporters - few, yes, but supporters nevertheless - and you will be happy because they are happy.

3) You have found inspiration from your new churchie, stephanie, and you want to start drawing again (not that you ever did) - anime characters in particular. And you dream of the day when you can realistically draw out the characters in your own book.

4) You are now immensely drawn to taiwan idol series and are having the time of your life watching the shows on youtube (your first best friend now, rmb? and TP is your second best friend. dont you DARE forget that).
The list of shows you can watch is as follows:
=>Tokyo Juliet (currently)
=>Hana kimi (waiting for next ep to load)
=>It Started With A Kiss
=>Hana Yori Dango (jap version of meteor garden)
And more recommendations to come.
Oh, and you can always check out some animes while you're at drawing. TP, if you're reading, pls recommend some animes to jenny. you know she's a couch potato when it comes to finding resources.

5) Due to the idea of media studies classes and the possibilty of joining the film club in your new school, you have a new vision of your future, a dream that you only dreamt of. You are also intrigued by the works of the movie world and you know you enjoy watching the behind-the-scene works. You yearn to be part of such a team and so you hope to join the media industry in future. Hopefully, one day, you can write and produce your own movie or tv series. But you know also that your roots are still in Asia and you feel more attracted to its culture, and not so much of all that Hollywood glitter.

6) When school reopens in a mth, you will make frens with all sorts of ppl from all over the world. Unlike in nanyang, you will actually be able to meet ppl of other races and cultures. An inspiration for a new story might just come out from there.

7) You are feeling recharged and ready to combat the new term with its homework and tests. You have set your eyes on gettin a scholarship after 2yrs in your new school and that is also your dad's vision for you. Hopes are high, so are the stakes. You have betted your future on a career path that is non stereotypical. It might or might not work out and you could wake up one day in your bed, lose your passion, and realise you've accomplished nothing. So it's all the way with it, or nothing at all.

8) You are inspired by the culture of this new land and you want to do your best in all areas. You want to start practising your piano and take up dance classes, which is your one big passion that'll never die. And you also want to pick up the pen and start writing songs again. Chinese songs, obviously. You need all the practise you can get in this foreign land.

9) Because you want to do your best to keep up your Chinese standard - no matter how poor it is - you also want to try your hand at writing chinese novels, those simple romance sort, about high school girls and their unrealistic dreams. In addition to that, to your own disbelief, you are willing to start reading the entire history of China - all 5000 years. (yes, you did say that. at dinner ytd.)

10) You have never been down for too long and your friends in singapore all believe in you. You mustn't let them down. And your family too. You have God on your side and nothing is more powerful than that. You only need to ask and it will be given. You have found a new church with lotsa really funny friends who will give you support when you need them. A new life isn't a bad thing. You are standing on a platform that is one step closer to the life God has planned for you. So wipe those grey clouds from your eyes and put on a smile, you bai chi!

------------------------------

hey that was pretty good. it's my best effort so far to reorganise my life. for those who dont know me well, i do this frequently when im not in the best of spirits. yepp, this is one very encouraging list for me. i feel i can live with this list forever. maybe i'll print it out and paste it in my room to remind myself everyday. then i'll always be smiley and positive ^0^

hmm.

... ...

darn. i was almost convinced.

xmas.

2006-12-24T07:58:00.000+08:00

things are definitely gettin better around here.
i've got my internet connection now, and on fri night, i earned my first buck while babysitting this kid of my dad's colleague.
jamie and i went together.babysat for abt 3 hrs, then spent 1hr watchin telly after he fell asleep.his mum paid us both 15bucks each, which was like whoa to us. coz imagine us not havin any pocket money or part time income. so ytd was really thrilling for us.jamie suggested we put our money together and get mum something. i think it's a brilliant idea. except i dunno how to get to the malls. transport is not so convenient around here.

suki is turning 10wks old on tues. his appetite is growing and so is his size. but anyway,have to start teacing him manners soon. he likes to play chasing, which drives the family nuts, coz we cant exactly pounce on him in case we crush him.

had a gathering ytd aftnn for with our neighbours. mum made a huge production out of everything - fat sausages, roasted chicken wings, salad, chips, potato wedges, smiley faces. but yea, we had good fun. i got to know Hannah,went over to her hse after the party and talked to her for abit. she graduated from burnside five yrs ago. it's pretty cool talkin to someone so into music and art. she does pencil sketching and sells them. im so inspired. now im even more sure i want to start drawing managa characters. i tried abit, and joyce says they're good. but you know kids. everything is good to them.

so anw,tmr is xmas. hmm. dont really feel anything. i mean,i know the true meaning of xmas and everything (i just came back from church), but still, shldnt we celebrate the birth of jesus everyday instead of just on xmas? so you'll probably understand why im not unusually hyped abt tmr, apart from giving joyce and dad their surprise gifts.

how many ppl actually love xmas becoz it's the day that marks the birth of jesus? some christians probably get that buzzy, loving feeling whenever it's xmas. but it only comes once a yr. so that makes it pointless. i'd rather feel the value of Christ the whole yr round, and treat xmas like any other day, than go through the yr feeling spiritually drained and then jump up and yell Hallelujah only when it's xmas.

hmm. i dont know. anyone can challenge my p.o.v? seems abit wrong to me, but i cant exactly put a finger on it...

so, yfers, did you guys have fun UBing? i heard abt the papaya game. sounds messy. but im sure everyone had a good time. the UB buzz will probably last a mth after it's over, but i hope the bond you guys have forged will remain for a long time. especially coco, i hope you've found some good frens who you can trust and confide in(:

SIXERS!!i didnt hear a single thing from those who went to china.hmm.does graduation equate to seperation?i guess so.i mean,no matter how bonded a class is,after we graduate,it's only possible to keep in touch with a small circle of frens. so im thankful i still have my Corner Friends.yes,TP,you and the other five.

blessed xmas everybody(:

no connection.

2006-12-15T09:23:00.000+08:00

still.
after like a lifetime i STILL don't have a connection at home.like,the broadbrand and everything is set up and can be connected,but IE just doesn't show up.as in,they have those annoying words. THIS PAGE CANNOT BE SHOWN.sth like that.
so im here at the lib again(:
HELLO.
glad to know everything is still same in s'pore,boring for coco and sometimes thrilling for the cousins (mini and sx).i have a few major updates myself.

firstly,suki totally BARFED on my BED last night.and i was kind enough to let it share my precious bed becoz it kept yelping non stop in the pantry.i didnt want him to wake the house (which, i found out in the morn, wasnt a concern coz no one heard a single hoot in the night -.-).
but poor guy.his nose was all pinky and he had that "pls rub my tummy and make me feel better" puppy look on him.

yea,of coz,in case you're wondering.suki IS a puppy.MY NEW PUPPY!!!(((: im thrilled k.i've wanted to tell u guys for so long but there wasnt a chance since IE has dumped me at home.

anw.i know SUKI sounds kindda gay (as in,homo gay,not happy gay),but i thot it sounds really cute.it means "like" in jap,as in,xi huan. And we really do xi huan him, so we named him SUKI. In fact,we LOVE him to pieces, despite the fact daddy keeps calling him a nuisance for peeing all over the house, joyce screams at him often for chewing on her sch trousers while she was wearing them and i locked him up back in the pantry last night as punishment for barfing AND pooping in my room.

yepp.we love him.

i just pray he'll grow up into a sensible and loyal dog who will become the family's best fren.but wadeva.for now,i have to deal with his morning cries. oh btw,he's a pure bred border collie,black and white.we got him at a real bargain.200bucks. one pup like him usually costs a thousand.

*Note: If tiff or henry or any dog owner is reading this,pls tag and let me know how to solve suki's poop and wee probs. This is especially urgent becoz my house floor is carpet, so the liquid goes right in. Thanks.

Secondly,im so having cookin lessons now.seriously.all that cook-and-clean-up-the-kitchen-after-you're-done lessons.i've learnt how to cook fab noodles,proper fried rice,spare ribs soup,cook veggies etc etc.

i'll tell you how it all started. it's becoz of my mum's sickening fren. she commented my mum is a failure coz her daughter cant cook. like, hello? i stayed in singapore with jamie for two whole wks on our own and we survived.

and my mum got all insecure becoz of that stupid statement and got really pissed off in the kitchen when i ask stupid things like "do i put the egg first or the tomato?". so now i cook and help her in the kitchen for every meal. i cooked 3/4 of our dinner last night. which didnt taste bad. in fact, it was pretty good, even dad said so. but wadeva.

mum's an insecure middle aged woman. and im an insecure teenage girl who gets barf on her bed in the morning. end of story.

thirdly,i havent started sch yet,but i've found some new frens.but i cant get to know them better without my trusty MSN.not to mention i havent been in touch with sixers in china. lynn,jas and the lot.lost the stupid phone card and dunno their number there. as for you,dd,i realised since you flew off to NJ you havent once called me.

which reminds me,i need to let you guys know my new address. somehow. maybe i'll mass email, or tag ur blogs. but i certainly cant post it here. i'll also mass email my new telephone number so you can call or vice versa(:

fourthly,there's the issue of me finding a part time job and takin driving lessons (kids here can officially get driving license as soon as they turn 15!). and on top of all that, im thinkin of takin up dance classes again.of coz, there's still my piano. im left with one more grade to go. all these, plus i want to take riding lessons.

bummer.i figured i'd have to leave riding lessons till later.for now,im considering joining the tennis club,which plays every sat. there's really quite alot to do here but diff from what i usu do in spore.

movies show a lot later here. like, happy feet is not showing till xmas. and tix are incredibly expensive.so i cant just go off to a cinema anytime i want to kill time.

found all my CDs and movies, but havent found the video TP made for me.WHERE IS IT!!!? i darent ask TP to find some way to show it to me coz it seems the video is lost for good.hmm,may i suggest youtube? that's what michelle from yf did(: i really really want to watch the video she made.

lastly, we havent settled down in a church yet. we didnt go church last sun coz we went to buy suki. we drove all the way out into the countryside coz he was born on a farm. honestly, we PLANNED to get back in time to go to church,but time wasn't on our side. and apart from miscalculations of time, mum keeps makin new random frens all over the place and so we keep havin to make plans to go some other fantastic church her frens go to. not like we have to, but we all think it's a good idea to check out more churches before we make our decision. though the decision is quite obvious already. at least with me.

(btw, HOW WAS UB?? gosh i totally forgot abt it in all the mess here. but pls let me know how it went k!)

i really really hope to start attending church regularly again soon. my QT is going down like rain in the drain and i havent seen my bible for ages. my whole day revolves around running after suki, making sure he doesnt pee on the carpet, and picking up his poops.and if im lucky, i don't have to do dishes.

ARGH.

my glamorous life in christchurch.

.

2006-11-28T06:56:00.000+08:00

life's gettin hilarious these days.
i think it's the weather (or probably the ham.they sell the best ham in the world here k.), but sth's giving me the giggles almost daily.
ppl like TP,dd,and gang will know i get hysterical at a particular time every day.sometimes it's towards the end of sch,sometimes it's just after recess.so like,im glad im still normal in that sense.even if it's,yea,laughing like a maniac at nth..

started on bk2 of my magicator series.it's goin to be full of surprising characters,both new and old,and a really dark plot.u might not even like the characters anymore.but wadever.im a little stuck currently.cant find motivation to write on (type on,actually),so i stuff up my time with bks and more bks from the lib,where yours truly is seated right now.

(i strongly recommend Blinded By The Light, by Sherry Ashworth.it's about cult grps and their beliefs.it reminds us christians how we can end up if we take our beliefs too mechanically and do not reflect upon what we do.the bk also shows us what it means to truly believe in sth,and questions the essence of believing in a force.)

but i just read an email from alicia.i had asked her what she thot of the first bk,and her reply gave me reasons to continue(: so thanks alicia,my number one fan!(:

im really lookin forward to sch.but that's not for another 2 mths (HAH),so im thinkin of takin hip hop classes again with jamie.and we've been reading "classified" for puppies on sale,though personally i would prefer a dog,coz less hassle and experience needed.

hmm...there's alot more to say,like the weird things we do at home.but basically,i sleep at 10 daily and wake up 12 hrs later.hehhs.and i get nice dreams abt L. yea,the weird and funny guy in deathnote.

time's running out.

enjoy hols and church,ppl!seeya soon (i hope)!

much better.

2006-11-22T16:30:00.000+08:00

heyy thanks everyone for ur tags.have to do a quick one here,coz rushing home soon (in dad's office again).

things are improving here after one wk.i guess after a while,even the weird start to seem normal.and im gettin used to everything,even the weather.i've stopped hugging my heater already,probably coz we're officially entering summer.

the family's really starting to settle in,we even got our new seven seater car today!(: and by next sat,we'll be out of the lousy rental house and in our own bunglow with a really pretty garden!

i took some pics of this lousy rental house,as well as my first batch of muffins(: will host them up asap!

went to see some labrador pups together.thinkin of gettin one.but they're pure bred,and super ex.plus mum keeps goin on abt responsibility and puppies being cute but dogs being naughty and stuff...sheesh.i've made up my mind,alright.i want a four legged friend to listen to me,coz nowadays,im startin to think i cant really talk to anyone.

as in, jamie's really nice and stuff,so are my parents,but some things just cant be said so easily.you know that feeling?talkin to a dog will be better than talkin to the mirror in any situation,right?

right.

so,i'll just let mum know my firm decision and she'll see im serious abt this whole dog thing.

mum found us a church too,a chinese one,near where we're stayin now.we dropped by it this aftnn,and i must say,it feels really great and comforting seeing so many chinese all in one place.it's like one big family.i dont see many chinese on the streets,but today at the church,they were appearing from all directions,like ants gathering for a feast or sth.and i just felt so proud,becoz even in a foreign land,us chinese can still survive becoz of our common love for God(: we're like wild seeds or sth,no matter where we're scattered,we can still sprout and grow!and sooner or later,we'll come together as one body, encouraging and supporting one another.

okies dokes gtg now.

take lots of care, minnie,dd,dingjia,coco,yulan,daoshis,yfers,sixers,dgs,and everyone else reading this!have lots of fun in the holidays and i'll call asap!(:

p.s posting letters are SUPER EX here.like,S$2.40 for ONE LETTER??including stamps and stuffs.so like,i figured i wont be writing letters to you guys any day soon...really sorry,but it's really not an affordable rate >.<

LOVE YA GUYS!

jenny <3

HELLO.

2006-11-17T15:58:00.000+08:00

IM FINALLY IN TOUCH WITH THE WORLD AGAIN.BUT I CAN ONLY POST A QUICK ONE NOW COZ JAMIE USED THIS COMP IN MY DAD'S OFFICE FOR A V.LONG TIME JUST NOW SO WE NEED TO RUSH HOME NOW.

i just read the tags and well,thanks everyone,they make me feel alot better,but my post is not going to be the happy me.things here are different from what i expected,and i expected myself to take it with a better mood too.

i havent got a card that can let me call back,or use the internet (im in dad's office now),so like,i feel so distant and far from everyone.it's so depressing.and i wonder how i can live here for the next 2 yrs,assuming im goin somewhere else for uni.

i miss everyone like hell ok.my first night 2 days ago was NOT enjoyable.i squeezed in with jamie and joyce even though we have one bed each.they think it's coz im scared of sleeping alone,but truth is,im scared to face the night alone.it's so sad and lonely and depressing for me right now.

the things i seek comfort in these few days is the bible study i got from the daoshis,and the taiwan drama series Devil Beside You starring Rainie Yang.these are the only things that remind me of who i am and my chinese origins.i tell jamie not to watch the show too quickly,coz she is like chiong-ing through the discs,coz im scared of what will happen after i watch finish the show.i will have no more chinese shows to watch,seeing that the temporary hse we're stayin in has no internet or television.im scared of going crazy being in a place that doesnt smell familiar.

it's weird suddenly being the minority,but im gaining comfort after going out this aftnn and seeing other ppl of other races too.the ppl here seem nice enough,but it's really hard not to wonder if ur race matters to the majority.identity crisis?maybe.

pls pray for me.im like praying every min when i feel depressed now,coz i know im at my weakest point,and it's the easiest time for Satan to attack...

the night here is short.it only gets dark after 8pm,and it's bright as the sun by 5pm.thats sth i like abt this place,coz nights are lonely and they made me feel sad,so it's good to keep them short.

it's cold here only in the morning and evening.i found a new bestie,and it's the heater by the kitchen.it's like a metal casing that radiates really strong heat,so im literally hugging it every morning and evening coz it's FREEZING.and it's supposedly starting of summer already!i cant imagine winter here...

they speak funny here.they pronounce letter E literally,like my name,JENNY CHEN,becomes GENIE CHEEEN or sth,and CHESS becomes CHEESE.hmm -.-"

i've received several cultural shocks already,like the fact that some big grocery shops dont pack ur food nicely into plastic bags like they always do in singapore.they just scan and put the food back into an empty trolley,and expect u to do the packin by the side yourself.

and the fact that we have no telly and internet really doesnt improve the situation.pls.God.i need a miracle.i need a miracle to tide me through all these,to start a new life after spending 14yrs in singapore and to get used to everything here...

like introducing myself as GENIE,to start with...

im startin sch only in mid feb and i've decided to choose media studies,jap,classical studies (which is really great coz it includes historical,cultural and literacy studies of ancient rome,greek etc),maths and eng(which is compulsory).of coz,they might not let me take jap coz the other students would have started a yr ago.if they dont allow,then i'll just take the pointless economics.

the subjects are cool right.they even have subjects like history of art,performing music,multimedia,physical education,horticulture...lots and lots!(:

but im prepared to just be quiet and be the study geek for the next 2 yrs in my new high sch.im tired of makin frens already,especially when im the new kid all over again,and i have to leave my bestie and everyone else in singapore.im sure the kids in my sch have besties and cliques too,so maybe i'll just be on my own.and i dont think i'll mind.i'll just work hard and get a scholarship or sth.and i thought i'll be really sporty and nice when i get here,join a hip and sporty cca like tennis or dance,but now i think im destined to be a "club person" afterall.im thinkin of joining the christian group,or the radio/film club,but dad is thinkin of the debate club.hmm.so like,yea,im the club girl...

just as i thought,im having another identity crisis all over again. like,whoo,well done GENIE.you thought you were so secure and confident with all that frens in singapore,but apparently,you werent,coz now put to the test,u're not sure again.

major shit ok.im pissed off with myself for not being able to be cool abt everything and just submerge into the new environment.maybe im giving myself too much pressure,but i really dont see how i can get used to this place.

i want to go home and i want to go to for yf outing on sunday.i want my blanket that i left behind and i want to see TP.i want to go hwa chong and i want to tell lynn personally abt the sermon by andrew peh.the last sermon that i heard in hcmc.abt true christian friends.

if not for my family,i would have mentally broken down million of times le.but the fact that im not alone here makes things better.i hope i can be strong and just be myself here.but it'll take some time.

shit.i shouldnt be worrying everyone here on my blog,but i probably am.like u must be picturing me crying in a sad little corner of the hse or sth.i've only cried once so far,and that was at night.

now,i try to tire myself out as much as possible in the day,so i can fall asleep immediately at night.then when i wake in the morning,there's so much to do i dont have to think.as much to do as just watchin Devil Beside You,that is..

and i cant find my Upper Room.

this is annoying and frustrating.i misplaced the cd with a video TP made for me,but i just watched the video mich made.i want to go hcmc this sunday,and not some strange place with zero chinese.i want to go hmv and hear all those chinese songs.i want to hear good and pure chinese,even those with heavy china accents.

i never thought my origin will be so impt to me.im missing yes933 and i want to watch channel 8.it's so shitty.i cant speak their weird english with the E and stuffs.i cant be all smiley and OH HELLO YES GOOD DAY TO YOU TOO to every shop assisstant i meet.and i cant live here for the next 2 yrs.

i went back to singapore last night in my dreams,i was in nanyang,and i saw sandy and lynn in rjc uniform.they were leavin for china immersion and then the classroom was all empty,only i was there alone.i woke up and for a split second i couldnt remember where i was.then of coz i knew.

im in christchurch,new zealand.in a bed on the second floor of 11 Montana Ave.(this is not my final address,so dont post anything yet).

everything still seems so unreal.i can still remember everything in singapore as though i can just take a bus back.but duh.i cant.i cant even take a boat back.i have to take a plane.which makes the distance between me and everyone seem even greater.

plus there is a 5hr time difference.im 5hrs faster than u guys,so in the day,im always thinkin stuffs like "nicholas shld be playin comp in class now", "is lynn suffering in china coz of her cramps?", "TP should be enjoying her comp game now", "coco could be writing now", "are the daoshis preparing for the yf outing?"....

i feel like u guys are always behind me and i keep wishing i can slow down the time so we can at least be experiencing the same hr together.but thats not possible,coz God made the world this way,and i gladly acccept it,even if it's suffocating.

im sry no pics yet.no time to have fun so far.i'll upload pics asap.but till the next time i get to touch a comp with internet connection,u wont be hearing from me,and vice versa.

take care my frens.miss you lots and lots.

with deepest love,
jenny

ten.

2006-11-10T19:08:00.000+08:00

i had food poisoning at 2am this morning. Puked for 3 hrs before i finally convinced dad n mum that i seriously need the doctor. He gave me a jab to stop the volmitting (which didnt exactly work, thankyou), and a whole pile of pills that not only looks disgusting but taste equally bad.

well, all that is over now, and im finally feeling abit better, after more than 16hrs of rest. And then while i was napping, i though of ten things that will make me happy in new zealand.

I will be happy in my new country if:
1. They sell Pokka Green Tea and any kind of decent ice lemon tea (it's, like, a sin not to have these. i mean, ice cubes taste the best in these 2 drinks.)
2. They show Deathnote 2 in cinemas.
3. They have neoprint machines, which i highly doubt >.<
4. They have good and clean public swimming pools.
5. Mum decides to start breeding dogs, which i think crossed her mind once or twice(:
6. I dont do poorly in school and embarrass the name of Singapore.
7. I can find a church as good as the one im in now.
8. I can make frens who are as lovable as the ones i have here.
9. I get to decorate me own room, which will be really exciting coz for once in my lifetime, i'll have some privacy while sleeping.
10. Get a webcam and mic so i can still keep in contact with ppl here!

There. Not too much to ask for, is it? Hah. of coz not. I'm always reasonable when it comes to happiness(: easily satisfied.

Hm.. These words are starting to get blur.. maybe the effects of not wearing my specs while using the comp is finally showing. I'd better stop now.

Missing everyone already!(:

IMPORTANT.

2006-10-31T18:41:00.000+08:00

WATCH DEATH NOTE.

I never thought there'll be another that can be compared to The Prestige this yr, but here it is: death note(:

for those who have not heard of it yet, it is a jap movie based on the popular manga series death note. the plot is rather straightforward, but wait till u watch the trailer of part 2 after the credits. of course, the best thing abt part 1 is the characters. they have personality and they are unique.

L is one of the main characters, and he's a total sweetie with a personality that makes u squeal. and the scary looking devil inside? he's the death god who adores apples. and believe it or not, he's the one that actually makes the movie funny, he's like this pet dog of Light, the other main character, the one who uses death note.

so, i shant say any more to spoil the fun. but trust me, this is a movie not to be missed!

*Note: Part 2 coming in december.*

looking back.

2006-10-29T17:22:00.000+08:00

I briefly read through all my entries last december, and I must say, I seem to have lost alot of "colours" this year >.< My entries last yr were so colourful and full of pictures! ahh well..maybe im becoming a boring person @_@

lots have happened these few wks, and im kindda losing the drive to post detailed entries. basically, i have found what i lost, seen what i had been blind to, made sense of some stuffs that had been bothering me, and come to terms with leaving this place.

all this time i told myself the past is not to be hold on to, we shld let it go and move on. but some things seriously dont work that way. i chose to look back and pick up from where i left off, and i might regret later, but for now, im at peace with what i've decided to do.

and maybe...sometimes the things we think we own aren't really in our control...it reminds us that everything in our lives are determined by our Father, and like what many always say, if it's not yours to be, holding on to it will not help, it'll only make urself miserable. im learning to go easy on life and myself, to simply sit back and relax. things are usually not as serious as we think they are.

higher chinese O level tmr.still need to find some way to download the info my chi tchr sent us.haii.where's efficient technology when you need it..

new start.

2006-10-26T16:24:00.000+08:00

(yep ok i changed to another one of my bad designs, and yes i know the taggie looks horrible and out of place, but cbox is down, so i'll change it to pls you nice ppl asap k!)

today was the last day of sec sch, so called, coz i still need to go back on mon for HCL Olevels. anyway, it was a pretty normal day even though it was the last day, and i didn't feel any emotions at all.

then during the second last hr of sch, we did spring cleaning, and it was really painful for me to watch everyone work together to wipe away all traces of 406 from the classroom..it was like our second home. even the CNY deco which won us first in level wasnt sparred.

We took a last class photo with the deco at the back of the class,coz it's just gorgeous,and then that was it. Everything was gone and dumped in a matter of minutes..

Next yr, the new 406 will step into the spick and span classroom and experience a year of specials bonds and fond memories, just like this 406 did. But i have to say, THIS 406 will never be replaced.

Although the classroom now shows no sign of 406 ever inhabiting it, i know the memories we share will stay in our hearts forever. It was so wonderful, seeing everyone working together for one last time to help in spring cleaning, then panicking as they tried to get as many ppl as possible to write in their autograph books, including subj tchrs...

I'm afraid of forgetting all these, because some things are not within our control. We just forget things as time goes by. But right now, i just want to savour this piece of memory for as long as i can..

As usual, audrey ended the day with a big band, showing us this montage she made as a surprise for us. and of course, a montage means lots of pictures and touching words..so it means you have to cry. it's just wrong not to cry during a montage on the last day of school.

so yea, i cried. and it was a really well done montage, despite audrey's bad IT skills, as she puts it. thanks for all the efforts, audrey, 406 will rmb it.

especially if you're kind enough to burn every one of us a copy(:

and for the finale, the whole school crowded into the hall to bid our principal, Mdm Mak, farewell. She's leavin to accept a post in Hong Kong International School as their principal. It was another touchy moment, but as usual, lynn was makin a huge fuss coz the girls took off one of her shoes and had thrown it somewhere -.-"

sighh..i guess some spots in 406 will never be changed(:

post exam.

2006-10-16T18:38:00.000+08:00

You must know that nanyang tchrs are known to set physics papers that are literally impossible to do, they are famous for giving weird questions every yr, and it's like an evil reputation they have to live up to. You must also know the suffering of some physics students, such as yours truly, who fail to listen attentively in class for the entire yr and is unfortunate enough to sit for a paper that is set by her own physics tchr. Lastly, you must know that an average sec4 physics student in ny will generally aim for a pass for any physics paper.

Thus, knowing all 3 points as mentioned above, you will finally know what immense joy and relief it is to me, that I, jenny, not only passed my physics paper this yr, which is absolutely a killer i swear, but passed with a 63(:

WAHHH YAYYYYY!!!!

Honestly. I thought I would definitely fail, like, miserably. But no, I didn't, and though this result is still below average, I exceeded my own expectations, which, by the way, is not very high for sciences.

Oh, and I got the exact same mark for bio, and I must say that is a disappointment, because bio is the only science I can understand and revise for without tearing out my hair and lose sleep.

And not to mentioned I failed the chem paper by 1 mark. But seriously, this yr's chem paper is SO ambiguous. I won't say my answers are wrong, it just so happens what I wrote were not the KEY WORDS, or the CORRECT ANSWER, as they call it. I just detest such papers. So rigid. So inflexible. So evil.

But I don't deny my low capacity of chemical knowledge. My basics are weak, I admit, and chemistry just happens to be one of those subjects that literally live on basics. So since my foundations are weak, I can be prepared to suffer at the hands of chemistry forever, as long as I have to take it. Thus, I shall drop it ASAP. Hopefully when I go NZ.

But strangely, even though I didn't do exceptionally well for this exam, I thought I made improvements, and I actually LIKED what I was studying. Like, I actually really understood some things and found them interesting. I'm even tempted to continue doing practise papers now. So, who knows, maybe I won't drop any science afterall(:

But gosh, I'm telling you, I just SO hate BSP.you know, bicultural programme, the prog my class is in currently. I got a 52% for that, and honestly speaking, I have no idea why my four page answer for a Cultural Revolution question only earned me 6 out of 25 marks.

I studied ok! I probably didn't answer to the point, but the annoying thing is, our form tchr who is the setter, gave us this set of notes with regards to the topic for exam, and she said we just have to memorise everything and write down everything during exam and we'll score.

So those who scored are actually those who cut and paste the notes info from memory, while I, who tried to answer based on understanding and own ability, actually got 6/25. Hmm.

Oh well. At least i passed the overall paper. I'm really tempted to curse now, but something is telling me not to contaminate my blog, so you realise I've been really calm about all these from the start.

Well.

I'M NOT.

School is unfair, and it's really it's a place to pick out the ones whose lives revolve around study from those whose lives revolve around other impt things, like spiritual life and personal interest growth.

And results are just plain stupid and inaccurate in measuring ones abilities. Unfortunately that report card is all that the world sees.

God bless me when dad finds one.

Hmm.

BBQ PARTY.

2006-10-11T23:52:00.000+08:00

I feel like I can't sleep without posting about what happened during class bbq party. It was truly amazing and magical, very much like my birthday party this year.

I have so much feelings and thoughts inside me..and I really don't know how to post them such that you can understand too. It's a feeling of security, warmth, assurance, trust, faith, love, relief, heartache...and many more!

I just feel that I've learnt alot about my classmates this year, about our nature and what is important to me in life, and in friends.These 4 years have been a great journey of self discovery and learning. They certainly have not been wasted.

There are so much I want to say, so many memories I want to keep forever, so many people I wish to remember, and so many things I hope to do before I leave.. but still, I'm satisfied for now(:

And the highlight of the bbq, for me, is not when I gave my farewell speech, or when peggy, huan n marilyn surprised me with a farewell cake (that was a huge surprise, but not really the best highlight)...

the best thing was when kelly declared April 6th of every yr to be known as 406 Day!!

so now, even if I were to lose contact with anyone in 406 in the future, I know there's a day each year when all 30 of us will be thinking of the times we shared together(:

I wonder how I will think when i read this post again 10 yrs down the road...

whee.

2006-10-08T21:48:00.000+08:00

IM SO EXCITED I CANT STOP ANNOUNCING MY EXCITEMENT!!.my gosh i still cant quite believe exams will be officially over in exactly 12hrs!!

woots!i've got my list of To-Dos After Exam List ready already:
1)Class bbq(:
2)Design class blog (havent told 406 abt this idea of mine,but im determined to finish it before i leave)
2)Website for self book
3)Start of bk2 of The Magicator/another series
4)Practise piano
5)Complete autograph bk (i.e.get pics and full mailing address of everyone i know!)
6)Read and buy lots of books=)
7)Take neos and spend quality time with frens
8)Precious yf grp outing!!
9)Go on one day S'pore tour with lynn :P
10)Exco retreat II (gonna suggest to guowei soon)

whee again!*grins*
and then today i was talking to yunfang abt stduying in aust. It sounds great, and fitting in shouldn't be much of a problem, plus the education system there is pretty much like here, but I'm not sure abt NZ though.
anw, gotta find some time to tell yf i'm leaving. Have been putting that off for v.long time already.

thanks for reading!bye for now(:

last paper.

2006-10-07T20:56:00.000+08:00

whee last paper on monday - MATHS.(:
after that i've got a whole lot of things to do.first, i'm finally going to dingjia's hse after the paper,to watch some vcds.and see her older brother :P
then next day after kelly's history paper,going to meet her to discuss bbq details.hopefully it'll be really great!after meeting i might want to drop by lynn or mel's house and do sth.
wed is the bbq,of course.haha.gonna spend my morning marinating chicken wings and doing last min preparation.
thurs is marking day holiday!!thinkin of going k-boxing,but havent found company yet >.<
friday there's sch,to check papers!that'll be fun(:
sat is outing with peizhi,huifang,and possibly yvonne!
sunday after church is outing with minnie and some others ^0^

yes.fun is waiting for me at the finishing line.
who cares if i finish last!
:D

~.:*Christ In Me*:.~

news flash.

last stop

guo yang

beijing still

beijing

wuhan3

wuhan2

wuhan.

hang zhou.

shanghai.

some sharing.

updates

new plans

new sch term

back, i think

thurs exam.

wed study.

CV crap.

last day

vote.

nearing end.

exams.

bmt changes.

SAT/ACT

copied.

new exco.

bday photos.

last day of hol.

pool.

back.

Life's surprises.

exam tmr.

mondayness.

un-emo.

un-emo.

saturday YG.

happy, shalalala.

confused.

lost friendship.

term 1 break.

badminton trial.

..

YG fun.

fridayness.

more design.

design images.

friday again.

blahh.

babysitting.

funny stuffs.

shatterday.

whee.

blahh.

back.

declaration.

flies.

monday nthness.

sunday.

saturday.

friday reds.

suki class.

back.

end of 2nd wk.

nth much.

transfer.

end of first wk.

second day.

me&myself.

spring cleaning.

sudoku&officemax

course approval

tickle test.

hanmer springs.

just something.

rants.

quail island.

ESOL test.

yayyness.

nothingness.

~.:Christ In Me:.~